I'm stuck. I'm unhappy. I really can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have some ideas. It makes me feel like a whiny little jerk to sit here and be unhappy because I have every reason in the world to be happy. Well, a lot of reasons. I have a good job (we'll get into this later), good friends (for the most part) and overall a pretty good life. So why can't I just be happy?
I've been thinking about this for a while now and I've come up with some ideas.
First, I'm single. Now, for a lot of people this would be great, and for me at times it is, but honestly all I've thought about since I've been single has been finding that perfect girl. I should be thinking about hooking up and having fun, but I'm not. I'm out there looking for someone to spend my life with. I think I've come up with a few reasons for this too.
1. I have very little experience not being with someone. I have been in one long term relationship or the other for 9 of the 11 years since I turned 14. I'm not used to it. I guess you could say I've become a bit co-dependent.
2. Being single isn't how I remember it. The last time I was single I was still in college so the opportunities to meet other singles were rampant. Now, I'm old. Ok, not old, but all of my friends have serious girlfriends or wives and are not wing man material, let alone partners in crime.
3. I've become more neurotic with age I guess. (See every previous post about C) I can remember a time when I was easy going and a girl was a girl. If she liked me enough to call or hang out again great, if not oh well. This may be a product of my lack of options, but either way it is not helping in the happiness department.
Another thing that I realized may be effecting my "single behavior" is my family. I have great parents. Honestly, I have always loved them both to death and they have always been there for me while giving me my space to grow up and make my own mistakes. But in a conversation with C over the weekend we started talking about our brothers. I have an older brother and our relationship is....well...strained to say the least. We're not far apart in age and I have always kind of been the big brother because he's immature and has some issues. I said to C, "He's just so distant. I want to talk to him and get to know him and be close to him but every time I try it turns into a fight of some kind. I just want to be like 'Hey, when mom and dad are gone its just gonna be you and me ya know.'" That moment was the first time I've thought about that. I have one brother and my relationship with him sucks. I don't know how to make it better. But I guess what I'm getting at here is that I need someone I can depend on when it's just me and him, and right now I really can't see it being him. I feel like deep down this may be why I'm so gung-ho about finding "the one." Because deep down I know that once my parents are gone I have no one. That scares the shit out of me. I can't believe I'm even thinking about it really, but it does put a lot of things in perspective.
Now, work....work has been horrible lately. I'm doing a lot of work in Washington DC which is ok I guess because I'm getting resume stuff I might not otherwise get. The problem is the project sucks. It's a loser. The manager of the project is an inept woman who just had a child so she is doing NOTHING. I am managing this project and being paid an assistant engineer's salary and getting ZERO help from her or anyone in the DC office with any of this. It sucks. Now, I won't be held over the fire if this whole thing bombs, so I guess that is good, but that isn't the point. I want to do the project, I want to do it right, but to do that I need information and help that I'm not getting. So my days are spent trying to get in touch with a woman, who when I actually DO get in touch with her I have to listen to a screaming child in the background. Now, I'm all for maternity leave and being there for your young kids, but if you can't do your job realize that and ask for some help. She won't. It's just her and me (just me really). So work right now isn't good. I'm seriously spending a lot of time thinking about what I might like doing better than what I do now. That is horrible. I'm 25 and I'm already thinking like this...
Not good.
Anyway, I think I might go talk to someone. I've got health insurance that I never use, why not see if a tiny bit of therapy can kick me back into perspective. Or not. Haven't really decided. Anyone got experiences or advice on this one? I'd really like to know if I'm just being dramatic or if going to see a therapist a few times might be beneficial. (P.S. I will not use drugs. Not even on my radar. Taking prozac every day for the rest of my life sounds much much worse than the little depressed episode I'm dealing with right now.)
3 comments:
The scary thing about using meds like Prozac is like this. Are you really happy? Or is the meds making you feel content? Are you really angry? Or is it the meds? Do you really like/love your SO? Or do the meds make them easier to deal with?
When my son was born (4 years ago) he had MAJOR COLIC - if the sun was up - he was crying. It got so bad I had to call the Dr. and ask for meds, to help keep me calm. I stayed on them for 2.5 years. Until I started questioning every emotion I had - Like I did above. Not knowing if it was a real emotion or not. That is scary. I say stay with the weed. If you get bad munchies - drink water in place of eating that way you don't get pudgy!
I've never done weed, so I don't really know whether or not it helps or not. But I do know that in the long term it can actually cause depression or schitzophrenia ... So I'd say go with the 'talking to someone' option.
It's funny, last night, I was in bed, wide awake, considering whether or not I should go talk to a counsellor. There's not any one thing in particular wrong, but it's just ... stuff, you know? A little of this, a little of that. Work, family, being single ... And I always figured blogging was a good way to get it out, but it's not really like talking to someone who can actually help.
Anyway ... Ya ever wanna talk, shoot me an email.
Catchya later :-)
Is it just me or did your post say nothing about weed? Don't smoke when you're down, it just makes you stay down longer. Sure you'll laugh and things may be better, but seriously you'll never get past this hump going down that road.
Anyway, totally feel you. It's hard doing all things alone and with no real companion in any way. Once the friends start dating seriously they become different friends and if your job isn't keeping you busy then you just realize the truth of your situation. I'm so right there.
Jump on the therapy. I have to say that will be your best choice to just get it out. I have found once you get it out, hear yourself talk, you gain a perspective that doesn't make it suck so bad. At least that's how I work. I have to hear myself talk in order to see my options.
It's always easier to suggest something to just fix it, but, in reality, going through it may be what you have to do. I'm a fixer and am sorry and I'm just throwing out suggestions.
I wish you the best and hope some good distractions come your way until you find the right direction in career, relationships and everything else.
Post a Comment