WELCOME TO MY HEAD

Here it is....for the world to see....
Please read, and tell your friends...
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COMMENT!!!!

Quote of the....well....however long it takes for me to get a new one.

"You don't miss your water
Till your well runs dry."
-The Black Crowes

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Edit: I'm a Lying Asshole...

But allow me to explain...

Friday night E and I went to dinner in Kenmore Square.  We had fun, as we always do, and ate good food, drank good wine and had good conversation.  All the while I had to play cruise director for my friends who on this night weren't even capable of thinking of a place to go to dinner.  So needless to say I receive and send a few texts during dinner.  Normally I wouldn't but I was pretty much responsible for this night, so I had to make sure everyone was taken care of.

"Are you just gonna text people all night, or are you actually going to talk to me?"
Whoa?!  Were did that come from?
"Um, I'm sorry...sometimes with my friends I have to play cruise director to make sure everything goes off right.  But I'm talking."
"Eh, you're just getting too comfortable with me."
Clearly her read of me is approximately as inaccurate as my read of her.
"HA!  That could not be FARTHER from the truth!"
"Really?  You're not comfortable with me?"
"Ummm...sometimes, but honestly, most of the time, no.  Not at all."
"Why?"
"Umm, well.  I guess I feel like I'm still at the stage where I could call you and you'd just decide to stop answering your phone."
"I would answer my phone." She says with a little smile.
Doesn't exactly put my mind at ease.  

So we finish dinner and meet up with Ham and Cheese and my a-hole roommate who decided to tag along.  Head to Bukowski on Boylston for a few beers and I call my other friend who it turns out has wound up downtown.  He was at Gypsy Bar. I texted "Wanna know how I know you're gay?  Because you're at Gypsy Bar. 
 Homo!"

He texted that he and his gf and her two friends were headed down to Boylston momentarily.  We headed across the street to Whiskeys to grab some scotch since they don't serve it at Bukowski (at least that I know of).  We find some stools at the bar and hang out drinking, talking and taking the occasional smoke break.

All the while E is great.  She's sociable.  Talking to Cheese, and Ham.  Not so much the roommate, but who could blame her.  He's an ass.  My other friends finally show up to Whiskeys and we all chill and talk about how drunk we are and the adventure that put us in such a state.  All of the sudden E is really drunk and wants to go.  So we go.  Of course A-hole comes with us because he's too cheap to get a cab home alone, even though he's single and there was more tail running around Whiskeys at last call than you can shake a stick at.  But I digress.

All the way home A-hole (as my roommate will be known from here on out) is talking shit.  I know such and such.  I have such and such money.  I can get tickets to this and that.  All bullshit.  All of it.  Finally I get fed up with the bullshit he's spouting trying to impress the girl who's clearly with me and wants nothing to do with him, that I lean over to her and start calling him out on his bullshit with whispers in her ear.

"I know a guy who has so much money that...."
"PSST!  Thats a lie."
"Then one time we were like on the field at Fenway...."
"ALSO a lie."
She turns to me with the "Why would he do that?" face.
All I can do is shrug and put my palms skyward.

I get out at an ATM to grab cash, because despite all of the money that A-hole claims to have, he's a cheap prick.  I'm literally not in the ATM for more than 15 seconds than E comes in behind me.

"What is his problem?"
"I don't know.  I guess he's trying to impress you, but he's really full of shit."
"Why is he trying to impress me?"
"No idea.  Maybe he thinks if he's rich enough, cool enough and knows enough famous people you'll sleep with him instead of me?"
She burst into laughter.

We get to my place and go to bed.  Before anything starts I tell her that I want to see her tomorrow.  She says "I have plans with some friends."
"So what?  You met my friends, I think I can handle yours.  I get along pretty good with most people."
"Ok I'll call."

So, we sleep together.  She leaves the next morning a semi early to get to work.  I sleep.  Late.  Golf got rained out, obviously.  It's ok though.  I need to not spend $120 on a round of golf.  Its for the better.

The day goes by.  I hang with my friend K and watch some college football.  Ham calls and says he's meeting some friends in Harvard Square and I should come.  I tell him I'm waiting for E to call but that I will give him a shout later on.  So again, I've blown off people, and fun to wait for E.

At 930 I get a call from L.  She is 20 mins from Boston and on her way to meet up with the same friends in Harvard Square and wanted to know if it was OK that she could park by my place and we could maybe split a cab.

This is it.  This is the moment of truth.  I gave up the night for E.  I tried to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't even have the OPTION of hooking up with L.  In fact, I didn't even know she was coming into town until this phone call.  And what did E do?  She pretty much blew me off.  Now what would you do?  Say no to going out with this beautiful girl that wants to sleep with you, or sit at home waiting for a call from E that may or may not come.

"Sure, you know my place right?  There are two hour spots all over the place."
The die is cast.  Can't turn back now, I tell myself.
We go to Harvard Square and meet up with Ham and Cheese and a few other people at Tommy Doyles, move to Grendels and then L, myself, Ham and Cheese decide we're going back to their place in Somerville for scotch and other such night caps.

Ham and Cheese have a guest room.  So, there it happened.  Here is what I have to say: I honestly feel more chemistry with L than with E.  I won't say the sex is better, just deeper in an emotional sense.  Maybe that's just because I've been sleeping with E so much lately, but I don't know.  Also, importantly, afterward L wanted to be held, and touched and kissed.  E doesn't NOT want those things, she just doesn't seem as into them.

I wake up the next morning and head home.  L comes, as her car is there.  I burn her a few CD's and she is off back to Hartford.  I notice a missed call on my phone from E at 1230 AM.  Great, so you went out with your friends, got drunk and wanted to come over for a fuck.  Spectacular.

Yesterday E called as soon as I was out of work.  I was still on the train as a matter of fact.
"I totally spaced on calling you Saturday."
"Seems to be a theme with you."
"What are you doing right now?"
"Folding and putting away my laundry.  What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm not really doing anything.  I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?"
sigh........
"Sure.  I'll be here.  Give me a call."

Two and a half hours later "Hi, I got caught up with my roommates.  I'm on my way over now."
"Oook."

She came over, we watched a movie and started to fool around.  I stopped her.
"Lets go smoke a butt.  I need to talk to you."
"Ok."

We go to my deck.  And this is where I lie.

"So, I told you I'm not comfortable, and yesterday is why.  You were supposed to call me and you never did."
"I.."
"Let me finish.  I was also put in a moral dilemma this week.  I got a call from a friend in CT who I've hooked up with a few times who wanted to come visit me in Boston.  I told her no.  Because of you.  (LIE LIE LIE LIE:  In my defense read above.  Also in my defense, I wanted to have this conversation a LONG time ago, but was never given the chance by her.  I know.  I'm justifying things in my head.  But this is really how I saw/see it.)  And then you blow me off and I'm left to think "Hmm.  Here I am turning down the chance to hook up when the girl that I'm doing it for doesn't even call me when she says she's going to, and for all I know could be out sleeping with every guy she knows.'  So I ask you, would you do the same for me?"

Thought, no answer.  Then she speaks.

"Listen, I told you about my past..."
"I don't care.  I'm not asking about your past, I'm asking about now.  I need to know the truth."
"I've pretty much only been with you."
"First of all, pretty much doesn't cut it.  Second, what you have or have not done is less important to me than what you want to do."
"Well, as far as me and all of my friends are concerned you are the only one I'm seeing.  You're the first person I call when I have free time (LIE LIE LIE) and I really enjoy spending time with you."

Ok, what the hell is that answer?  As far as me and all of my friends?  And I clearly know for a FACT that I'm not the person you call when you get free time.

"Is that the truth?"
"Yes.  It is."
She gets silent.
"What are you thinking?" I ask.
"I...I can't say."
"Why?"
"Because my head is fucked up and I don't want you to hear about it yet."
"Believe me I've heard it all.  What is going on in your head is not going to scare me."
"I...It's just too soon."

I didn't push it.  I should have.  I don't know why I didn't.  I guess it all felt a bit hypocritical given the circumstances.  We went back to bed and she asked "So who is this girl?"

"Oh just a friend I've known for a while.  We started hooking up when I broke up with my ex."

E left with me this morning.  I forced her to kiss me at the subway stop.

Things aren't looking good.  Becky says I should run away, and I'm not sure she's wrong.  Here's the most optimistic analysis I can give at this point:  She's fucked up from her past.  She is keeping me at a distance so as not to get hurt.  The irony being that is exactly what put me in a position to hurt her.  I want to believe that at some point she could trust me and let me in.  But who knows.  Christ I have never met a single one of her friends yet, and I've never been in her apartment.  Clearly something is amiss.

So there I am.  I've never cheated before in my life.  Ever.  I'm not sure this counts, but either way I don't feel good about it.  I'm now struggling with where I go from here.  It sucks.  I really don't know what the hell to do.

4 comments:

voiceinmyhead said...

you're not an asshole. this is what dating is like. it's not easy, even when you think it should be... you're playing the game my friend, even if it's somewhat unintentionally.

oh. and i hate bukowski's.

Lynn said...

First of all, you didn't cheat on E. You aren't in a committed relationship, not yet anyway. Second, yeah maybe you're right about keeping the distance because she's been fucked over in the past, but I doubt it. If she really felt over the moon about you in every way she would NOT act the way she is right now. I don't think E is a bad person at all, but she obviously doesn't know what she wants right now and you shouldn't wait around for her to figure it out. If she figures it out soon, GREAT, but don't make yourself miserable. The thing with L was certainly not a mistake, from your description.

Anyway thats just my two cents. Good luck with everything.

GM said...

I agree with Lynn.

After the conversation you had with E I would say that you are completely justified in anything you do.

PrincessB said...

Ok, well, no you didn't cheat. And frankly, I'd run fast from this chick. It/she is more drama than you need.

As far as the L thing...all I can say is that I wouldn't continue that type of relationship IF you are wanting a relationship with someone else. I'm not a prude by any means, and I know I'm the voice of dissention, but sleeping with two people at the same time isn't a good thing to make a habit of. Again, I realize I am not going to be in the majority for saying so but I think it's really hard to say you're interested in someone when you're sleeping with someone else.

Also, texting at the table is rude. End of story. I would have said the same thing. Get up and call them and make plans...or don't take someone to dinner.