We've been avoiding this for too long

Luxury is temporary then its gone

I thought that we would happen

I guess I'm wrong

We'll say "Hi" on the streeet

And then we'll move along

I know this will be awkward

But not for long

Cause soon you'll have a new boy

To sing you songs

I will not forget you

Nor will I accept the blame

I will see you on Good Friday

I'm sorry I could not do this yesterday

And tomorrow I am I busy

And what it is I can not say

And Saturday's no good, 

Don't you know there's a rock n roll show

So it has to be good friday, 

Then it's so long

       

-The Black Crowes

Pertinent?  This is why I love these guys.  Download the iTunes Originals album (minus the talking.)  I've been playing it for the last 2 weeks.

Wedding Rings???

I realized something a little disturbing lately:  I've begun looking at the ring fingers of attractive girls that I would potentially be interested in to see if they're hitched.  I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but really, it is.

It means I'm at the point in my life where there is a legitimate chance that women I'm interested in could be married.  I remember college, high school, hell even a few months ago, that wasn't even a thought in my mind.  Now it is a very real thought in my mind.  Not Good.  This means I'll be subconsciously thinking "You better get a good one before they're all snapped up!!"  Don't get me wrong, I am all for a relationship (as I'm sure you could tell from previous posts) but to feel rushed to get into one?  That can't be healthy.  Plus my friends are getting married, my family members are getting married.  EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!  AAAH!!! (pardon me while I freak out for a second.....ok I'm good.)

So yesterday my cousin, who is getting married, called to ask if I was bringing anyone to his wedding at the end of the month.  Yyyyyyyeaaahhh....not looking good for that.  Though L2 did get back to me yesterday after all of that, she didn't sound all that eager to hang out again.  Here's how the conversation went:

 

L2:  Hey sorry, what night were you thinking?

(now keep in mind this is about 40 minutes after I suggested we meet up.  So rather than give her a night and make her come up with an excuse why she couldn't I said this.)

Me:  Well, I've got a flexible schedule, so how does this sound  whenever you think you'll have time, you let me know, and we'll work something out.

L2:  Alright that works.

Again, I could be blowing this out of proportion, but she's definitely giving all of the "I don't give a flying fuck if I ever see you again." signals that I've come to know and love.  I guess my point is, I won't be inviting her to come to my cousin's wedding.  Again, I don't wanna put her in a position where she's gotta come up with an excuse why she "can't" come.  Also, asking someone to hang with my family is not small task.  There are TONS of us.  It could be a bit overwhelming.  Not that she'd come anyway.

So here I am.  Contemplating other people's happy pairings/marriages, while I, again, deal with a girl who could probably not care any less about me.  It sucks.  Shall I start the internet dating debate in my head again???  Not yet I don't think.  I think I just need to relax.

Work Blog

Yyyyup, I'm blogging at work again. Why you may ask? Well, because I am the only person in my office today. Yup, that's right. I am sitting in my office. Alone. This is so strange, in fact, that I actually had to reassure myself that today wasn't some type of holiday that I forgot. Alas, it is not.

Now comes the moral dilemma. There is no one else here. I can leave whenever I want. It is 2 right now, and I spent the last 3 days of last week in a different city sitting in a hotel room. Am I obligated to stay till 5 just because no one else showed up for work today? That seems dumb. I mean, if anyone deserves a vacation it's me no?

In other news, L2 and I have kind of been g-chatting back and forth a bit today. I'm thinking there's nothing there. As I said, she did call me Saturday morning. Which made me think maybe she does want to hang out. However, 20 minutes ago I sent this:

so at the risk of sounding like a broken record
if you're not busy all week
it would be nice to see you

Nothing. Seems I have once again found the kind of girl who won't just say "Ya know, I don't think this is gonna work." Instead she'd rather ignore what I've written as if it weren't there. So lame and frustrating. GROW UP! I actually voiced this complaint to her one of the times we hung out. She assured me she didn't operate like that. Seems she was not being completely honest.

Again, I may be blowing things way out of proportion, as I tend to do, but honestly WTF? At the same time, I feel as though I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I've been keeping the Russian at arms length so as not to have her get attached to me without actually telling her why I'm doing it. But I think my situation warrants a little bit of leeway. It's not like I can be honest with her right? I mean, my honest feeling isn't really bad, but at the same time if I presented the actual truth to her it may be pretty tough for her to take. Understandably so.

So here I am. Stuck in girl purgatory again. A girl I may or may not be interested in won't give me the time of day when I suggest we meet up. I mean, even if she is interested, this reflects pretty poorly doesn't it? Aye. Once again I will reiterate my desire for people who can be honest and up front with me. Seems to be like asking for $1 million. It's not IMPOSSIBLE, but probably isn't going to happen. (Note to readers: If you are, or know someone who is the blunt up front honest type PLEASE let me know. I'm not desperate (yet) or anything, but I'm really getting sick of what seems like re-runs of a bad TV drama: Girl meets boy. Girl outwardly has a good time with boy. Boy thinks girl had a good time and would like to see her again. Boy tries to hang out with girl some more. Girl ignores him until he gives up (generally pretty quickly because boy is not the type to pitifully chase girl around.) It's really driving me nuts. And I really believe that if any of them took the time to actually get to know me they may think there could be something more. But what do I know. Maybe I'm an asshole and I have no idea.) The good news is that I'm not feeling bad about or for myself. I do have the stuck in a rut type feeling, but I think that is more the culmination of a bunch of things, rather than just the L2 issue. (i.e.. my shitty roommate, etc.) So I guess I'm making progress.

Anyway, I'm thinking I'm leaving work around 3-ish. I've stayed, tried to be a team player, and done more than my fair share considering. Plus it's not like I'm sitting here overflowing with work to do. In fact, as is evidenced by my blogging, I haven't got a damn thing to do.

In still other news, I'm not feeling the whole facebook thing. I mean, I can understand that some people like it, and it's a good way to keep in touch and all, but honestly, I don't feel like I want to invest the time that would be required to have a good, updated facebook page.

(Random cheesy philosophical metaphor: I feel like I'm alone on the boat that is me, in the ocean that is the world and life. I know that over the horizon there are the people who care about me. My family, (some of) my friends. But I want someone to share the boat with. I want to find that other person sailing alone that has a boat that is just the right size, and wants to invite me on board. Or vice versa. It just seems like that ocean is too big to actually run into that person. And that looking for them only makes them harder to find. So do I just find a beach somewhere and hope they wash up? Or do I keep searching? In the past the beach has worked, but the circumstances were different. Now it seems like there are even fewer people in the sea.)

Back in MA

Thanks for all the feedback on that last post.  Though it is tough to really get a consensus from what you guys are saying.  It seems like doing something like asking a random girl out on the street isn't necessarily out of the questions, but that there are a lot of caveats that need to be satisfied before you do it?  I dunno.  I guess the lesson here is that I just need to stop being a coward and just do it.  We will see how, or if I deal with that fact.

Anyway, the weekend was alright.  Didn't exactly go as I planned.  First, on my way to Florida my flight was delayed for 3 hours.  Joy.  In the morning on the way into work my iPod decided that it was going to have a corrupted file, and therefore not work.  No biggie, I'm flying Jet Blue, I'll have a TV for the 3 hour flight.  I'll be fine.  (Side Note:  An old jewish man who I was talking to while I was sitting waiting for my delayed flight tried to make me promise him that I'd never get married.  With his wife sitting right next to him....I told him that was a promise that I couldn't make, but that I was in no rush.)  So, my TV didn't work.  I sat on a plane for 3 hours listening to these two little brat kids scream, yell and cry for the entire flight.  And it wasn't even like they were 1 or 2 years old.  They were like 5 or 6.  NO excuse for that.  Sorry.  If you can't control your 5 year old for a couple of hours then they don't belong on a plane.  Just my personal opinion.

Got home Friday and played nine holes with my roommate.  He is a miserable prick.  The kid was on vacation in southern California for 10 days, and he comes back and all he can do is fucking complain.  I mean honestly, what the hell?  If I had a 10 day vacation in Cali I'd be happy as hell.  Nope.  Not him.  All he could do was complain about random stupid shit, and his job, the minute he walked through the door.  It's unbearable.

Friday afternoon I got a call from a friend who was in town from Chicago.  She was at the Sox game and wanted to meet up at a bar after for some drinks.  I said sure what the hell, and tried to rally some support to come with.  I called L2.  She was headed down to Faneuil Hall with some friends.  I am all set with that scene, for obvious reasons.  Called a friend who lives by Fenway who was definitely into going out, and another friend called and said he'd come out too, but that he had to meet up with another friend in the area, and that his wife was coming.  No problem, the plan is falling into place.  So we all meet up at my friend's place near Fenway, and all of the sudden the two girls who are there (one being my friend's wife) decide that they don't want to go out.  Which means my friends can't go out.  Which means I'd basically be going alone.  I texted my friend from Chicago to tell her I was losing support, but that we'd be partying on his roof deck if she and her friends were interested.  

Needless to say we didn't meet up.

Spent last night at a few bars in Davis Square.  It was alright.  Not ideal.  I'd have to say overall the weekend has been a bit of a disappointment.  L2 claimed she had friends from out of town to entertain, which I understand.  It's all good.  Assuming it's the truth.  She did call me Saturday morning to ask if I'd be on the North Shore during the day.  I was, but for like 5 minutes to help my friend get a washing machine (I know, I really need to start saying no to people.)

I got texts from the Russian on both nights.  Friday night she wanted to come to my house at like 245.  I assured her that wouldn't work, because much like last time I'd fall asleep before she got here.  Yesterday she wanted to know if I had plans that night.  I did, and they involved bars, which means they didn't involve her.

At this point I am feeling like I'm in a rut again.  Next weekend promises to be fun.  L is coming up from Connecticut, and made sure to text me Thursday night to tell me that I had to make sure  I was going to be around.  So there is that to look forward to.

Again, my time in the airport kind of made me a little depressed.  It would be a lot nicer to deal with business trips and bullshit if I knew that at the end of it all I had someone I loved to come home to.  The fact that I don't has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm trying to make peace with the fact that hopefully that person is out there, and that I will find them sooner or later (hopefully sooner?)  Single is fun.  But lonely.  Plus, as I've said probably 100 times before, I'm not surrounded by the kind for people that its fun to be single around anymore.  They're all attached/married/living with their girlfriends.  I don't even have a serviceable wingman, let alone someone who could actually be beneficial to go out with.

Eh, whaddya gonna do.  Till next time, thanks for reading, thanks for posting.

WEAK!

Ok, random post about how much of a pansy I can sometimes be when it comes to talking to girls.  While it's fresh in my mind.

So, on the B-line home this attractive 20 something gets on the train and stands right in front of me.  She looks at me, I look at her, we both smile, I go back to my crossword, her to whatever.  As I intermittently look up from time to time, I look around, and then without fail back to her.  We make eye contact a few times, and I think, if this was a bar, and I had a few in me I would totally talk to her.  But definitely NOT on the train.

So we are going further and further out on the B-line and I start thinking to myself, "If this girl gets off at my stop I HAVE to say something."  She did.  We stood waiting to cross the street.  I had my in.  Did nothing.  We crossed the street and walked up the sidewalk together.  Again, I had my chance, and did and said nothing.  I went straight, she went right, and I immediately began kicking myself for not saying anything.  But did I go back and say, "Hey, I'm Nick.  I know this is completely random, but would you maybe be interested in grabbing a drink or maybe some dinner with me some time?"  No.  I didn't  I walked into my apartment building instead.

See, I have all these great ideas.  I had something to say.  I had an opportunity to say it.  But instead of doing it, I didn't say a word, and missed my chance.  Chances are she's got a boyfriend, or would be so freaked out by some random creep on the street asking her out that she'd just say no, but how the hell can you know if you don't even try??

I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm more than disappointed in myself.  Here's the problem.  If you read above, as I said, in a bar, with a few drinks in me, 100% go.  Sober, in every day life.  No.  That isn't good.  Liquid courage is not the answer.  I need to grow some balls and just lay it out there.  No risk no reward right?

Then I start to question how I would deal with getting rejected, but honestly, that's just stupid.  Who gives a shit if I get rejected?  I sure as hell shouldn't!

Aye.

Girls, here's a question for you:  If I came up to you after the above situation, would that be completely out of line?  Would I just be that creepy/annoying guy on the street that you just can't wait to get away from?  I mean, I'm no model, but I wouldn't say I'm unattractive.  So if a decent looking guy asked you to dinner on a street corner, how would you feel about that?

Anyway, thats today's disappointment.  Tomorrow I'm off to Florida for the rest of the week.  JOY.  I'll try to get an entry in somehow.  We'll see.

Bad News....

So, as expected Saturday turned into a complete shit show.  3+ hours in the sun, at a baseball game, drinking before, during and after.  Lousy game, they lost.  Seats were pretty good.  So after the game we head over to Cambridge to catch the show.  Stop on the way for a Red Bull and get to the Lizard Lounge a little early.  Who cares, what the hell else do we have to do.  Shoot the shit with Max (the bass player who's a friend of a friend).  Send a quick text to L2 to see what she's up to.  I know she's busy but I figure what the hell, worth a shot.  She texts back the she's in NH and can't come (obviously).  

So the opener is a band that doesn't have a singer.  No one sings for their entire set and they basically play elevator music on an organ, a drum kit and a bass.  It was more than a little bit painful.  I feel bad saying it, but honestly unless you're like this super awesome jazz band (which they indeed were not) get a singer and don't play elevator music.  I had been in the sun drinking all damn day and it was everything I could do to try to stay awake.

The Amity Front came on and played a good set.  We were right next to the "stage" at the Lizard Lounge (which means just off of the carpet where the musicians stand) and got a little friendly chat going with Max and the guitar player between songs.  When their set was done we urged them to play an encore, but they informed us that they were not allowed.  The band that followed had their amps and distortion too loud for a venue that small and basically blasted us out of our seats.  This was a good thing though, because at this point we'd moved on from beer to shots of vodka.  Thats right.  Shots. Of. Vodka.  Apparently the Russians are rubbing off on me.

I remember leaving the bar.  I remember getting in a taxi, but that's about it.  I'm thinking I MAY have given my cabbie WAY too much money.  But I really don't know.

At any rate, I apparently made it home.  I woke up with most of my clothes on, facing the wrong direction on my bed with my cell phone at my feet.  I took stock of my situation.  Wallet.  Check.  Credit cards. Check.  Phone. Check.  Phone.....fuck.  Who did I call?

I had 10 missed calls from the Russian at 230 AM and one call that I PLACED to the Russian at 145.  Details are sketchy, but I gather I called her and invited her over, and then passed the fuck out before she got here.  I texted an apology the next day, and she said she understood and didn't care.  I'm not convinced that is the truth, but in all honesty my transgression may be a blessing in disguise.

That is pretty bad though.  I also found a call that I placed to someone I had NO business calling at that time of the morning, and I can only hope that she didn't pick up because I can't even imaging what I would have said to her.....The good news?  No calls to L2, or anyone else that I really care about for that matter.

Million Dollar Invention: Cell Phone with a breathalyzer.  This way if you blow above a 0.1 you can't call people.  I would buy this.  You would too.  You know it.

Spent yesterday on my couch recovering.  Feeling a little down about...well everything, but I'm thinking it has a lot more to do with the amount of alcohol I ingested this weekend than anything else.

Today I have to call all of my cousin's shit head friends about his bachelor party.  I called them all 2 weeks ago and they were all supposed to get back to me to tell me whether or not they're coming.  No one has.  I can't tell you how much this irritates me.  But now I need to call them all again and pretend I'm not irritated or mad or anything else.  And if they're all cheap pricks and say they can't roll with the bachelor party plan?  Well then I'm going to have to think of something else, because no doubt they won't be offering any ideas.

Wish me luck.

Day Game

So just a quick update because I've been M.I.A.  for a couple of days.  

Hung out with L2 and her friends at a bar downtown on Thursday night.  It was fun, and her friends seemed pretty cool.  Not exactly the type that go clubbing, which is welcome news as far as I'm concerned.  She and her friends were ASTOUNDED that I didn't have facebook.  In fact, so astounded that she set up a facebook account for me that night on her blackberry with a wonderful picture that she snapped on her phone.  So yeah, apparently I'm a new facebook member.  I'll let you know how that goes.

It was cool to hang with her friends but I didn't really get a chance to talk to her one on one.  I'm having a hard time reading her.  In fact I am beginning to realize that I'm not terribly good at reading people at all.  But again, I'm not worried like I was about C.  I'm not gonna sweat it.

Sox Yanks game in a little while.  I've had a few beers already.  I'm getting prepared for a long ridiculous day/night.

I'm off to Fenway.

Go Sox!

My Name Is Earl?

The overall outlook on the Russian, from what I can tell, seems to be that I need to distance myself from her, but at the same time try to be there for her if she needs me.  This is all well and good in theory, but honestly, I'm having trouble figuring out how exactly to go about it.  Monday night she texted me asking for a good night kiss.  I lied to her.  I am not proud of it, but at the time I couldn't think of anything else.  A good night kiss would quickly have turned into a good night of her sleeping over.  I told her I was at my friend's condo helping him paint.

(Random Side Note:  I actually was earlier in the night.  I was last night too.  Will be tonight.  When I tell people this they are absolutely dumbfounded.  As if I'm saving children in a third world country.  I told one friend and she said "what did you lose a bet?"  When I called L2 (more on this to follow) and told her that was where I was she asked if I had taken the day off and if I was getting paid.  I'm not.  I have a friend who bought a condo that needed to be painted.  He is not what you might call handy, and doesn't know shit about painting.  I do.  I've painted A LOT in my life, so the nice thing to do is help.  So I'm helping.  It's just what you do no?)

I haven't heard from the Russian since that text.  I feel like I need to reach out.  Penelope, your advice seems to be the common thread.  I can't be what this girl needs right now and I need to figure out some way to make her understand that without hurting her more and making her feel like she is damaged and worthless.

In other news, I called L2 Monday night.  She was at work still.  At 9:15.  Possible bad thing as far as a future relationship is concerned, but needless to say I'm getting way ahead of myself.  She asked if she could call back later.  I said sure, but at 1030 texted her that I was going to bed and I'd call tomorrow.  She apologized for not being able to talk.  I assured her it was not a problem and apologized that she had to be at work so late.

I went to my friend's last night to paint and was there pretty late.  At about 930 I called and asked if I could call back later (the conversation about painting ensued.)  She said fine and I called at around 1030.  We spoke for a bit about how horrible it is that she has to work that late, and how this is her busy season (just past the end of the fiscal quarter??  I really wouldn't know.  This isn't stuff that engineers need to think about.)  I asked if she could possibly make some time for me at some point.  She said she hoped so.  Her Saturday is booked, which is good, because mine is too.  (Sox-Yankees game, followed closely by The Amity Front at the Lizard Lounge in Cambridge.  Good show, you should all go! (shameless plug!))  

She is planning on meeting friends out tomorrow night after worked and asked if I'd tag along.  A night with the friends already?  Honestly, I'm totally cool with that.  I want to see her again, and your friends say a lot about who you are as a person. (read C!!!)  So that is the tentative plan at this point.  She still isn't positive if she'll be able to get out of work but is supposed to let me know during the day tomorrow.  (Side Tangent:  If this were the C situation I'd be freaking out thinking she was blowing me off or whatever.  I'm not.  I couldn't be more happy about that fact.  Honestly, this is how I normally react to girls.  The C situation was an anomaly.  I still haven't decided if it was because of how hot she is, or my recent break up.  I wish she came along about 2 months later.  I think I would have handled the situation better, but who knows.)

Work news:  I'll be in sunny, hotter than shit Florida for 3 days next week.  It's good because I pretty much waste 2 work days traveling.  But again, Florida, late July?  Gonna be hot.

Check out The Amity Front below:

Faces in the crowd?

So, I went to the bar for the blogger meet up Friday, and JUST before I walked in  the door I realized that I haven't slightest clue what anyone looks like in real life.  I figured, what the hell, I'll stand there and look around and it will become obvious who I'm looking for.  Not so.  I got there right around 7.  Stood in the middle of the place looking around trying to make eye contact with everyone in the room hoping to recognize someone or maybe get a "Hey you're a blogger, here we are." kind of look.  Didn't happen.  So basically I stood in the bar for about 5 minutes.  Perhaps you saw me.  I was the guy making awkward eye contact with everyone in there. I walked out to the deck to look around, and then left.  I propose that the next time there is a meet up we make a banner.  Or name tags.  Or SOMETHING that would help a lost soul such as myself know who I'm trying to meet up with.

I'm sorry I lack patience.  I'm sure if I stood there a little longer SOMETHING might have happened.  Who knows.  I hope the meet up went well.

In other news, I'm still completely lost about the Russian.  I don't have any idea what to do.  I can't and don't want to just drop her.  That would be horrible, and add to an already astounding amount of bullshit that she's no doubt dealing with.  At the same time I don't want to be the first guy she's with after that (which she told me I am) because there will no doubt be some emotional connection that I know I can't live up to.  Especially with her living on the other side of the planet.  Lost.  Just.  Lost.

As far as the weekend goes, it was reasonably uneventful.  Saw my cousin from N.C. who is in the midst of wedding planning.  And of course when she, my mother and her fiance (Note:  I hate the word fiance.  Won't use it in real life.  I call all of my friends fiances "future wives") got together all they could talk about was wedding crap and babies.  Needless to say neither is my particular cup of tea.

Spent Saturay on the beach with the rest of the family.  I have a pretty large family so it is always a show when I get to see them.  My cousin who is becoming an FBI agent was there, and it was pretty cool to talk to him about that, and what they're allowed and not allowed to do.  (Not so Random Tangent:  If an FBI agent pulls a gun on you, stop doing whatever you're doing.  I was told, and I quote, "If an agent ever pulls a gun they are shooting to kill.  Period."  Felt like you all should know that.)

Sunday was golf day, and then I saw the Russian again.  Bad decision.  I need to try to distance myself from her a bit, but not in a way that will be too noticeable.  Does this sound horrible?  I mean, I want to help the girl, I want her to feel comfortable, but at the same time, as I stated above, I can't be her security blanket.  It just isn't possible.

Today I got to work and realized that I hadn't called L2 since our little date on Thursday.  ASS!  She is totally going to think that I'm pulling the whole "wait a few days so you seem cool" thing and that absolutely is not what I'm doing.  I'm going to call her tonight, apologize and make sure I mention that.  I don't want to play games with this girl.  I'm not playing games with this girl.  I truly just forgot based on all of the other peripheral bullshit that I'm dealing with lately.

If any of you have ANY advice on how I handle the Russian situation, anything helps.  Lynn, don't feel bad about your previous post.  I felt the same way.  It happens.  This is one of those kinds of moments in your life that you never forget.  I was the person after a rape.  I AM the person after a rape.  I feel for this girl.  I've honestly been thinking about her for the past few days.  Thinking what I can do or say to help.  I'm realizing that there is really nothing that I can do.  But I feel like I need to try.  I need to do SOMETHING.

I just don't know what.

What do I even say??

Ok, so last night was one of the most intense of my life.  I guess I should start from the beginning.  So I stayed at work late to meet up with L2.  We met at the Salty Dog in Faneuil Hall (Great outside bar, if you've never been there.)  I was there waiting for her and noticed a guy sitting there asking the bartender a bunch of questions about the area.  I asked him if he was in town on business.  (Note:  My week in Baltimore has given me a new appreciation for the business traveller.  I would have killed to have someone start a conversation with me when I was away.)  

We talked for a bit about Boston, work and all that yadda yadda.  So L2 calls me because she is hear and can't find me. (Side Note:  For me this was a completely blind date.  No idea what she looked like.  Though apparently she had gotten a picture of me through my old high school friend who works with my mom, who needless to say was happy to provide a picture.  Doesn't really seem fair.)  I waved, and she waved back and walked around to come in the bar.  The guy in town on business said "Wow, your girlfriend is beautiful."  "Oh no, she's not my girlfriend.  This is actually the first time I've ever met her.  I had no idea what she looked like till just now."  "No way," he said.  "Seriously man.  This girl I went to high school with set us up.  I've never spoken to her face to face before right now."

He put his hand up for the high five.  Now, I don't NOT like the high five.  It has its place.  But this wasn't really it.  I obliged.  L2 came walking over, I introduced myself and asked if she'd like a drink.  My new friend at the bar asked the bartender to give us a round on him.  L2 asked "Do you know him?"  "No not really.  Just met him.  He's in town on business."  "And he's buying us drinks?" she asked.  "Yeah I guess so."  I thanked him and introduced L2 who thanked him as well.  I think she was a little caught off guard by my random friend making abilities.  I guess that's a good first impression to make no?

L2 is attractive.  Dark brown hair with olive skin and beautiful blue eyes.  She isn't what I would call drop dead gorgeous (read: C gorgeous.  Yeah, C is that hot.) but she is definitely good looking.  About 5'4?  Thin.  Physically I'd be far too picky if I had any issue with her appearance at all.

So, a drink turned into dinner.  I was much more relaxed than I thought I would be.  I always get riled up and nervous before first dates, and then when the time comes along I just go with the flow.  We talked, she asked all the first date questions. (Random Tangent:  What is my favorite food??  Honestly?  NO idea.  I haven't a clue.  My favorite band??  Nope, nothing there either.  I like a lot of bands.  A better question to ask would be who am I listening to a lot right now.  I need to think up some stock answers for these situations.  But I digress.)

So she said she was waiting in town to meet up with a friend and that they were going out and I should come.  I had already committed to playing golf with a friend of mine today and had to get his golf clubs in my trunk, get my shit together and get some sleep, so I politely declined.  She seemed disappointed, but I assured her I'd would wait with her till he friends came.

We spoke a bit more.  Made more random bar friends (I have a way of doing this for some reason.  Don't know why.  Apparently I'm approachable...)  Then she had to go meet her friends.  I paid the tab, she protested.  I said "Maybe next time."  She said "What do you mean maybe."  "I mean if there is a next time."

The look on her face told me that I would be seeing her again.  I told her I was teasing her and that I'd love to see her again whenever she wants.  I wrote her an email this morning saying I had a great time and that if she wants we should do it again soon.  I'll call tomorrow.  I would today, but honestly, after last night I'm not sure I have it in me.  (read on to see why)

So I get on the god forsaken green line, get home, get my car, drive to my friend's, get his golf clubs.  As I'm driving away the Russian texts me and says "I'll be home by 11 if you're free."

I text "Sure, text me when you're getting off the train, I've got the place to myself."

(Side Note:  My conscience did at times say to me that this was wrong, but my logic told it to shut up because I really owe nothing to anyone at this point.)

She came over.  Things started getting umm...yeah...I'll spare you the details, but all of the sudden at one point she just said "Stop!"  I did, obviously.  She lay there curled up, shaking like a leaf.  Not good.  Something is wrong.  I ask if she is ok, and wrap my arms around her and pull her close to try to stop her from shaking.  This goes on for about 2 or 3 minutes.  Then she stops shaking and breathes deeply.

She turns to me, looks me in the eyes and says "I need to tell you, 6 months ago in Russia I was raped."

!!!!!!????

Rape to me is about the worst thing there is.  Convicted rapist = death penalty as far as I'm concerned.  Kill them.  They deserve it.  This poor girl is 20 years old and is never going to be the same again.  This person took from her something she will NEVER get back.  I didn't delve into the details, as obviously it is a subject I'm sure she doesn't want to relive.

She said, "You would never do that right?"

??What??

"I would never do anything like that to anyone, let alone you.  That is a horrible horrible thing.  You don't need to worry when you're with me.  That will never happen.  I promise you with all my heart.  You're safe here."  She laid in my arms and fell asleep.  I couldn't sleep.  I am enraged that someone would do this to her.  That someone would do this at all.  Last night I was filled with transcendent anger.  The kind that can keep you up all night and you won't even feel the slightest bit tired.

I am ill equipped to deal with this.  I'm not sure anyone on the planet is equipped to deal with this, but I know I definitely am not.

I told Becky.  She said "How is it that you always find these girls?"  I won't go into specifics, but I've had some...projects...in the past.

I am at a loss.  I tried to comfort her as much as I could.  I tried to let her know that she is safe with me.  But I never can.  I don't know who this person is who did this to her.  I don't even know if he's in jail or what.  But I want nothing more than to beat the living shit out of him for her.  And I barely know her.

Note to Rapists:  You cowardly scummy gutless pieces of shit.  If it were up to me we would round you all up and blow your fucking heads off, but alas it is not.  Instead you go to jail for a year or two, and your victim is in jail for the rest of their lives.  You will burn in hell, but in the meantime I hope your live is miserable.  Full of despair, want and hopelessness.  You are the lowest of the low.  

I don't pray often.  But last night I said a prayer, and asked God to help this girl to get her life back together.

God bless her.

So I just got back from golfing.  Gonna hop in the shower, dress and hopefully get to the blogger meet up for a few drinks before I drive to the North Shore to see all the family.  I don't have time to be fashionably late, so if anyone who is going is reading this, PLEASE someone be there at 630.  If not I'll be on my own for 45 minutes or so, and then I'll leave.

Ok, I'm out.