Really??

I work with a girl who is voting for John McCain.  Now, I'm all for choice and people having their opinions, but how, as a woman, can you vote for a man that says this:

I mean honestly.  The guy is literally saying he will actively be trying to take away your right to make a decision about your life and your body.  I hope she comes to her senses before november....

Back at it...

So I may have ruined whatever it is I have/had with C.  Not that I did anything all that bad, I don't think, but I still may have.

So last night she came to Boston with her friend.  Ok.  Not what I expected to happen, but I can hang.  No biggie.  Then they decided that we were going out downtown.  Now, I don't mind going downtown and going out, but it's really not my scene.  So I went and we met up with another of her friends.  Ended up at a bar/night club where the girls wanted to dance.  Ok.  Fine.  However, I then somehow get stuck on bag guarding duty for her friend's bag.  Not her bag, her friend's bag.  Now, I'm not much of a dancer but I have been known to get on the floor, but since I was on bag duty I had no choice...and looked like one of those dudes who can't have fun and just hangs out at the bar.

So at last call we were waiting around for her friend to get/give her phone number to whatever dudes she happened to be hitting on/being hit on by.  (Side note:  Her friends are a bit slutty.  I don't see girls at bars throwing themselves at guys like these two were very often.  Not that it should matter to me.)  In the meantime the conversation between me and C somehow came to what she liked about me.  "I really love that you're so chill and that you're cool with all of this."  This kind of put the thought in my head "Cool with all of what?  I literally have NO idea what this is."  On the way home she was texting someone.  A friend she assured me.  I looked her in the eye and said "I know you don't owe me anything and I really don't expect a lot, but please just don't play me."  She seemed a tiny bit offended that I would even say that, so I said "Not that I think you are, but you can just never tell.  I'm just asking you to be honest with me.  Thats all."  Her friend and her drove themselves home at about 3.  I sent a text that said "Good night beautiful.  Drive safely and I can't wait to see you again."  No response.  The girl has been texting like a maniac all night long with whoever, but she can't return 1 to me?  That's weird right?

So this morning I sent her a text to call me.  She called at about 930 (yeah, I was up before 930 because I was fucking thinking about this B.S.)  She sounded like she just woke up.  I said "Listen, I don't want to get all heavy and have a deep conversation here but I really need to know what this is.  I'm not asking you for commitment, I'm not asking for anything to change, I just need to know what this is so I know I'm not wasting my time."  I think this caught her off guard, but her response was "I figured we'd have to talk about this sooner or later.  I really don't know.  I was in a relationship for a long time and I'm really trying to find out who I am.  So I really don't know."

She said she needed to think and that she'd call me later today...we'll see.  She is either really flakey or just avoiding me because its anyone's guess whether she will call me when she says she will or not.  

On another note, I felt like her and her friends were really young and immature.  I mean, I'm not the most mature guy, but these girls are like I was when I was a freshman in college which was years ago.  I'm king of over going out and getting shit faced and wild.  They're not.  So I guess that's something I need to take into account in all of this.  I don't know what to think, say, do...I'm lost.  Yet again.

Questions? Comments? Rude remarks?

This is gonna be a potpourri of a post I guess.  Wanna respond to some comments and touch on some news.

First, thank you all for your comments.  Very cool, very helpful.  Would like to respond to a few if I may.  Getting stoned is a funny thing.  It's different for all people, and even different for the same person depending on the conditions they're doing it in.  For me, most of the time I get very relaxed.  However, this is not to say I will be getting stoned every day to relax.  I was just kind of observing the effect that it had on me the other day.  And I understand that some people get depressed and stuff from weed, but honestly it's never had that effect on me.  I can really only say good things, which may lead to a hypocritical moment when I'm telling my kids how bad it is for them to smoke pot (assuming I ever have any).

As far as therapy goes, I'm gonna hold off.  I feel like I'm getting to a better place.  Seeing the forest for the trees I guess you could say.  Writing things here has really helped put things in perspective as far as what is and is not something that I should really let bother me.

Sign that I'm getting better: C had to break our date on Thursday because her mom and brother and sisters were doing a belated father's day dinner for her step dad.  I freaked for like 15 seconds thinking "she's thinking up excuses to not see me."  But convinced myself "No, she really has to be with her family, its all good.  And if she is making shit up, I don't want to see her anyway."

We are hanging out tonight.  Actually I'm still trying to figure out what the F to do with her.  I'll figure something out.

I'd like to touch on these RETARDED girls from Gloucester (my home town) who all thought it would be a great idea to get pregnant and "raise their babies together."  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?!  You think cuz Britney Spears little sister starts shooting out kids at 17 its the right thing to do?  Um, hi.  Major difference here.  SHE IS RICH!  And can pay someone to raise her child.  You, are not.  And these friends of yours that you'll be "raising your babies with?"  Lets see how much they give a shit about you when you've all been up till 6 AM with your screaming children.  Do you understand that your life is over?  Oh, and kiss any kind of normal childhood good bye.  Further more, your children are probably as doomed as you are.  Who are these parents of yours who raised you to think that having a child at 15 with a 24 year old homeless man was a good idea?  (yes, you read that right)  Good luck.  

Oh, and everyone else?  Keep working and paying your taxes, because there are 17 girls in Gloucester now that will be depending on their welfare assistance checks to keep their children alive.  And guess who pays for it?  Yeah.

As my uncle once said "It makes no sense.  You need to get a permit to but a tank in the ground to put shit in (septic tank), but anyone who wants to can just have as many damn kids as they want."

Poignant.

Nature Boy.

Just stopped by my friend's house and got stoned.  I'm better now.  See, I don't need pills...I self medicate.  But in all honesty, I have definitely lost the hopeless feeling I had before.  And I feel good about C and me.  Whether I should or not.  One of the wonders of weed I guess....

Nature's Prozac.

The Proverbial "Rut"

I'll post some pix from the parade this morning later, or some time tomorrow, but right now I need to let some shit out.

I'm stuck.  I'm unhappy.  I really can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have some ideas.  It makes me feel like a whiny little jerk to sit here and be unhappy because I have every reason in the world to be happy.  Well, a lot of reasons.  I have a good job (we'll get into this later), good friends (for the most part) and overall a pretty good life.  So why can't I just be happy?

I've been thinking about this for a while now and I've come up with some ideas.

First, I'm single.  Now, for a lot of people this would be great, and for me at times it is, but honestly all I've thought about since I've been single has been finding that perfect girl.  I should be thinking about hooking up and having fun, but I'm not.  I'm out there looking for someone to spend my life with.  I think I've come up with a few reasons for this too.

1.  I have very little experience not being with someone.  I have been in one long term relationship or the other for 9 of the 11 years since I turned 14.  I'm not used to it.  I guess you could say I've become a bit co-dependent.

2.  Being single isn't how I remember it.  The last time I was single I was still in college so the opportunities to meet other singles were rampant.  Now, I'm old.  Ok, not old, but all of my friends have serious girlfriends or wives and are not wing man material, let alone partners in crime.

3.  I've become more neurotic with age I guess. (See every previous post about C)  I can remember a time when I was easy going and a girl was a girl.  If she liked me enough to call or hang out again great, if not oh well.  This may be a product of my lack of options, but either way it is not helping in the happiness department.

Another thing that I realized may be effecting my "single behavior" is my family.  I have great parents.  Honestly, I have always loved them both to death and they have always been there for me while giving me my space to grow up and make my own mistakes.  But in a conversation with C over the weekend we started talking about our brothers.  I have an older brother and our relationship is....well...strained to say the least.  We're not far apart in age and I have always kind of been the big brother because he's immature and has some issues.  I said to C, "He's just so distant.  I want to talk to him and get to know him and be close to him but every time I try it turns into a fight of some kind.  I just want to be like 'Hey, when mom and dad are gone its just gonna be you and me ya know.'"  That moment was the first time I've thought about that.  I have one brother and my relationship with him sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.  But I guess what I'm getting at here is that I need someone I can depend on when it's just me and him, and right now I really can't see it being him.  I feel like deep down this may be why I'm so gung-ho about finding "the one."  Because deep down I know that once my parents are gone I have no one.  That scares the shit out of me.  I can't believe I'm even thinking about it really, but it does put a lot of things in perspective.

Now, work....work has been horrible lately.  I'm doing a lot of work in Washington DC which is ok I guess because I'm getting resume stuff I might not otherwise get.  The problem is the project sucks.  It's a loser.  The manager of the project is an inept woman who just had a child so she is doing NOTHING.  I am managing this project and being paid an assistant engineer's salary and getting ZERO help from her or anyone in the DC office with any of this.  It sucks.  Now, I won't be held over the fire if this whole thing bombs, so I guess that is good, but that isn't the point.  I want to do the project, I want to do it right, but to do that I need information and help that I'm not getting.  So my days are spent trying to get in touch with a woman, who when I actually DO get in touch with her I have to listen to a screaming child in the background.  Now, I'm all for maternity leave and being there for your young kids, but if you can't do your job realize that and ask for some help.  She won't.  It's just her and me (just me really).  So work right now isn't good.  I'm seriously spending a lot of time thinking about what I might like doing better than what I do now.  That is horrible.  I'm 25 and I'm already thinking like this...

Not good.

Anyway, I think I might go talk to someone.  I've got health insurance that I never use, why not see if a tiny bit of therapy can kick me back into perspective.  Or not.  Haven't really decided.  Anyone got experiences or advice on this one?  I'd really like to know if I'm just being dramatic or if going to see a therapist a few times might be beneficial.  (P.S. I will not use drugs.  Not even on my radar.  Taking prozac every day for the rest of my life sounds much much worse than the little depressed episode I'm dealing with right now.)

Homerism...

See!  I TOLD you if they won I'd be the first one to buy the hokey championship garb!  Ok, I wasn't FIRST, but it hasn't even been 24 hours and I've already got it!  And one for my dad that I promised him on father's day.

So, just a quick recap because last night I was too damn tired to do this right.  KG, you made me eat my words and I appreciate it.  Great game.  Transcendent game.  You will no longer be mentioned with the likes of Karl Malone or Charles Barkley.  Ray, unbelievable man.  Best shooting performance of the playoffs for you by far.  Great work, and god bless.  Ray's son has been diagnosed with diabetes, which isn't the end of the world, but means a life of needles and medicine for Ray and the family.  Paul, thanks for sticking around.  Thanks for game 7 against the Cavs.  You spend a few more years here and I'll see that number of yours up in the rafters with all the rest.

But the reason this game was won how it was had a lot to do with the random role players.  Rondo (21 points 8 assists) Posey (2/2 from 3 and shot 100% for the game) and Eddie "In Tha" House all contributed to this one, and all deserve their rings.

I will be at the parade tomorrow morning.

While I'm here I'd like to address rioting.  I've been in this city for all three of the Patriots Superbowls, both of the Sox Word Series and now a Celtics championship, and every time a team wins a group of mindless hooligan assholes ruins the celebration for everyone else.  I have no problem with people in the streets.  Hell if you're a girl and wanna flash 5000 of your closest friends be my guest.  But WHY do these people feel the need to destroy shit all the time?  Just once I'd like the fans to pour out into the street.  Party like hell, then go home when the police tell you to without flipping cars and breaking windows.  Just because you can get away with it doesn't mean you should do it.

On a sad note, at 2 of these events young people lost their lives.  Now, at Fenway when that girl was hit with a pepper bullet that was a tragic accident.  She was a bystander.  She was not innocent.  I'm sorry.  I was there.  I was in the street with everyone else.  But ya know what?  when the police came with clubs and shields and told me to go home, guess what I did?  I went home.  If everyone did that none of this shit would happen.  If that young lady listened to the police when they told her and everyone else to disperse, she would be here today.  But she didn't because she got caught up in the crowd mentality of "I'm just a face in the crowd, and if everyone doesn't leave, I don't have to leave and I can get away with it" so instead of leaving she stayed.  Accidents happen, and I am by no means apologizing for the untrained officer who was wielding the weapon that day, but if you don't put yourself in a position for something like that to happen to you, the chances are it won't.

Call me an asshole, I'm just stating my opinion.  You have every right to disagree.  It's a free country.

Number 17

Open letter to the Celtics:  Thank you.  Thank you for another championship for Boston.  We are living in the golden age of Boston sports, but this championship is one of the sweetest because it was won in the city.  It's easy to be a sports fan when you're here in Boston, and honestly I take it for granted, but a championship is never taken for granted.  Congratulations.  Another parade is in the works, and I'll be there.  BRING ON THE DUCK BOATS!

Then on to '09.

P.S. Doc, thank you for not letting Sam I Am the Freaky Alien play.  I TOLD you it was for the better!

Legitimate Sports Column...but first.

Text messaged my other girl friend (yes, another one) this morning that was at the concert this weekend with the ex because she had texted me that she had a story to tell me.  She texted back that she'd call me later to tell me.  3 minutes later I got a text from the ex that said "can I ask you for a favor?"  I replied "of course, shoot."  She wrote "So B (the new bf) and I were in a little spat about Petty because he wanted to go with me but I went with H instead" (end of text 1, I'm using initials to protect the innocent, not that anyone would ever know who they are.  Anyway, I could tell where this was going.) "and i didnt want to make matters worse telling him that I hung out with the ex, so if you could just not mention it when you see him at the wedding that would be cool" (end of text 2.  We are both bride/grooms people in the same wedding later this summer btw.)  "Not that he has a problem with you AT ALL (lie...that is a lie.  He obviously has a problem, but as I said yesterday, I can kind of understand) but I didn't want to throw salt in the wound."  I replied "Not a problem, your secret is safe with me.  It was really nice to see you by the way."

So my guess was correct.  This is about the boyfriend more so than the two of us.  Which really sucks because we could be really good friends.  I mean, we were in a six plus year relationship and she knows me and I her probably better than anyone else.  It could be good, advantageous, helpful and just plain nice to have a friend like that, at least from my perspective.  But it looks 

like it is not meant to be.  I'm kind of disappointed, but, to use a super LAME cliche, it is what it is, and there's really nothing I can do about it.

In other news, game six of the NBA finals is tonight in Boston.  The Celtics gave away a winable game 5 in LA on Sunday night thanks in large part to the fact that Kevin Garnett failed to show up.  Don't get me wrong, I love KG.  He is the single most important thing that happened to this team this year, but he has a bad habit of disappearing at the end of important games.  He doesn't take open shots when he has them, has a habit of committing dumb fouls and missed 3 HUGE free throws at the end of the last game.  At the same time Paul Pierce was playing one of the best finals games ever turned in by a Celtic (that is saying something people.  The Celtics have played in more finals games than any other franchise.)  Tonight they need to win.  I want NO part of a game seven with Kobe on the floor, so if you read this and you're going to the game tonight you better be on your feet for 3 straight hours screaming your lungs out.  

I'm already a bit frightened of the dubious officiating crew that has been assigned to this game.  In game five David Stern essentially gave a big fat F you to any skeptics by assigning Dick Bavetta, a man under federal investigation based on allegations that he improperly influenced a playoff game between the Lakers and Kings in 2002, to referee that game in LA.  Bennett Salvator, who is assigned to this game is also implicated as far as I know, and Joey Crawford, another official who will have his hand in this game, was suspended last year after picking a fight with Tim Duncan DURING a game.  Needless to say I will be spending a lot of energy cursing bad foul calls while chugging beers to calm my nerves this evening.  Should be an interesting day at the office tomorrow.

Open Letter to the Celtics:  My father was once the worlds biggest Celtics fan.  You lost him in about 1994 after Reggie Lewis died and the team sank into obscurity/suckitude.  I personally don't remember the glory days in the 80's when Bird, McHale and the Chief were winning championships, but from what I hear it is on par with a Red Sox victory in this town.  So please, for my father, for me and for all of us in this town who have been waiting for the Celtics to be the team and the franchise that tradition and history knows they are, bring one home for us tonight.

I will be the first one in line at the Celtics store buying all the homer hokey fan crap that you guys come out with.  All you have to do is win one more.  Do it for yourselves, your careers and your families.  But most of all do it for us.  The fans of the Celtics who never really went away.

And Doc, PLEASE don't put Sam Cassell in this game.  PLEASE?!  I'm not asking much.  You can do whatever else you want.  Just let Sam I Am the Freaky Alien wave his towel on the bench for this one.  It will be for the better.  I promise.

Oh, and to the fans, could we get a "No means NO!" chant going when Kobe is shooting free throws?  Your chants in this series have been sub-par at best.

17.  Raise it to the rafters.

The Recap

Very interesting weekend.  Very interesting.  So Friday night I was supposed to hang out with C, but there were some complications.  The original plan was centered around her friend's birthday.  She wants me to meet her friends, so I guess what better way than to hang out with them all while they're celebrating one of her friend's birthdays.  I spoke with her Friday after work and she still wasn't clear on what was happening, so I asked her to give me a call when she did.  In the meantime some friends were planning on going out, and the time was coming to make the decision about what I was going to do.  I called C and asked what the deal was.  Turns out her friend's (who's birthday it was)  boyfriend planned a "surprise" party for her at his parents house??  That he didn't tell her best friends about??  I've since been informed that the speculation is that he was doing this more to keep her from going out than to throw a surprise party.  So C said that she had to go, but that I was welcome to come.  I declined.  I mean, honestly, I'm gonna go to a surprise birthday party that I wasn't really invited to at someone's parent's house?  I don't think so.

C sounded legitimately disappointed, and apologized over and over for the situation.  I assured her it wasn't a problem but that I was really disappointed that I wouldn't see her.  I spent the night out with friends getting FAR too drunk, somehow not even thinking about it.

Saturday I spent tailgating and seeing Tom Petty.  It was a great time.  Good show, but a

 horrible vibe overall at the concert.  The venue seemed full of high school drama.  There was tension to say the least.  But, in the meantime at this concert I saw my ex from 2 exes ago.  She couldn't run away this time, and was forced to talk to me.  Honestly, we had a great conversation and caught up a lot.  I hope this means that she now knows that she can talk to me and we could POSSIBLY be friends, but that remains to be seen.  It seems she is now less concerned with the awkwardness between the two of us and more about what her boyfriend will say/do about the two of us possibly being friends.  I didn't say this to her, but honestly he needs to grow up.  There is nothing between us.  It's been over for a long time.  We're friends...Though I guess I can understand where he'd be coming from.

Sunday I went to the North Shore to take my father out for dinner for Father's Day.  We had an early dinner because he had been up at dawn to go fishing and I didn't want to keep him up.  On the way back to Boston I figured what the hell, I'll give C a call.  She answered and I asked if she had plans to watch the game.  She said nothing concrete and that she'd make a phone call or two and get dressed and call me back.

We ended up meeting at a bar, having some drinks and a bit of food and talking and watching the whole game together. (did I mention she is a sports nut?  She was more pissed off about the Celtics losing that game than I was, and that is hard to do)  Toward the end of the night she told me that she was taking today off because she has tomorrow off for Bunker Hill Day??  Yeah, apparently that is a holiday in the state of Massachusetts.  So I asked if she had plans for today and she said, no nothing solid.  I said, "Well, if you want to come to Boston with me I'll take tomorrow off and we can hang out in the city."  This caught her a bit off guard.  She thought I was kidding.  I assured her that I wasn't and she seemed truly excited and said she would love to come to the city with me.  We stopped at her house so she could get her stuff and drove to Boston at around 1 AM.

We went to bed and spent a long time talking about all kinds of things.  Kids came up (not me, I promise.  I would NEVER start a conversation about kids with a girl I've only seen a few times.) and we both shared that neither of us was anywhere near the part of our lives where kids would be a good idea.  Then we went to bed, and again, we did not "seal the deal" as it were.  I'm taking this as a good sign, though I'm not sure I should.

Today we woke up around 10.  We both showered (separately unfortunately) and got ready to go.  I have a Mac....the weather widget for the Mac Dashboard...sucks.  Not even close.  Last night at 1 AM it said today would be sunny and 77 degrees.  Needless to say it was wrong, which kind of threw off my plans for anything to do.  We got coffee and ended up on Newbury Street.  We walked and talked and got lunch.  On our way back to my car it was raining, and I was the hero for remembering my umbrella.  We spent the afternoon at the MFA where we looked at art and talked more.  I drove her back to the North Shore this afternoon.

Now, I was sitting in my car on the way to bring her home thinking "This is the perfect opportunity to ask her where, if anywhere, she sees this going."  I didn't.  I'm a pansy and now I regret it.  But I'm in a good place as far as C is concerned.  We've made plans to see each other again Thursday and I'm truly looking forward to it.  I love talking to her and she is really sweet and down to earth (and did I mention absolutely beautiful?  Have you ever walked down the street with a beautiful girl and just known...and not even thought of looking at anyone else because you've got the most beautiful girl you've seen all day?  That was me today.)

Anyway, needless to say I'm happy.  I'm in a good spot, and I'm not being neurotic or driving myself crazy about this that or the other thing.  In time I'm sure I will be, but for now I'm fantastic.

The NBA its FANTASTIC!!!!

Edit:  Disregard all of the horrible things that I've said about the NBA.  I just watched the greatest comeback in NBA playoff history and it was my Celtics doing it.  This is why sports are the greatest.  At any time history could be made.  I was literally about to change the channel, and during the regular season I would have, but this is the finals.  And I'm glad I watched.  Thank you Celtics for making that 3 hours of my life well worth every minute.

Amazing.  This is why I love sports.

One more gentlemen.  Its your turn.