Again....

I'm getting better about it, I swear to god, but it is really hard to not take it personally when someone essentially decides they want nothing to do with you.  I'm getting the same advice from all sides:  She isn't reaching out, you're wasting your time.  In my head I'm still dumb enough to believe that there is more there.  Clearly my head isn't the one I should be listening to, because everyone else is clearly more detached and objective than I can possibly be.  I told my friend Becky about the situation with the weekend and L2 and she said the same exact thing that the girls at the bar, and voiceinmyhead are saying: walk away.

So here it is, laid out there:  Since I've been single I've been on actual dates with 4 different girls, 2 of which pulled the old "I'm just going to disappear from the face of the planet rather than be mature and tell you I'm not interested."  One told me I was a great guy, but that she hadn't moved past her last relationship (whether that is true or not is of little consequence to me.  At least she had the courtesy to tell me she wasn't interested.)  And one is a 20 year old Russian who got raped a few months ago, and who's visa expires in 3 weeks.  What am I doing wrong?

It's so weird, because when I do go out with people it isn't like there are awkward silences, or that they are dying to get out of the situation they're in.  3 of 4 have actually moved beyond just dinner and a movie to more....umm...intimate things.  And yet, after a few dates, they're gone.  Clearly I'm doing something wrong here.  It sucks because I can't ask what I'm doing, and even if I did I more than likely wouldn't get an honest response to that question.  So here I am, left to try to figure it out on my own.

It sucks.  And unfortunately I've lost the self confidence I once had that would lead me to think "I'm a good guy.  These girls don't know what they're missing out on.  Their loss."  Instead I sit here and think "What the hell is wrong with me??"

I mean, am I perceived as damaged goods because I've been in two long term relationships?  Am I not "edgy" enough?  Should I act like more of a douche bag instead of being the nice guy that I am?  What women want in a man is utterly outside my grasp of understanding.  I'm educated, have a good job, have good friends, am social, I've been told I'm good looking, though I would never say that about myself.  I don't get it.  Should I just quit my job and be a stoned slacker?  It's maddening to try to figure this stuff out.  ANY insight would be huge, but asking my readers to decipher the female psyche MAY be asking a bit much.

So this weekend was pretty good.  After VT on Friday night Saturday night's festivities were in serious doubt for me.  I was HUNG OVER.  Badly.  So after getting home I caught a few hours of sleep (sleeping on a couch from 3AM till 9AM is far less restful than you would think.)  I got up and had a few messages on my phone.  One from L saying she was on her way to Boston.  Another from my friend who's house we were all hanging out at asking me to pick up BBQ sauce on my way over.  I did her one better.  I got BBQ sauce, but also got shrimp, mussels and various fixings to add to the BBQ.  L is a pseudo vegetarian, in that she eats fish, so this was a

 HUGE deal for her.  She came with a few friends who were SUPER impressed that I could season and skewer shrimp for the grill, and make steamed mussels.  (Steamed mussels=easiest thing ever to make.  One onion diced, 4 cloves of garlic halved.  Put about half a cup of white wine in a large pan.  Simmer the onions and garlic for a minute or two, then turn up the heat and throw in the mussels and some basil for about 5 minutes and you're done)

So we started the night off with some BBQ then ended up in Harvard Square at Charlie's Beer Garden.  (Note:  It wasn't nearly as good this time as the first time we were there.  It was PACKED with hipsters in tight pants.  Not my scene.)  While we were at the bar, L and a friend were trying to get the bartender's attention.  It was a female bartender, and the last time we were at Charlie's she definitely gave me the eyes and served me immediately every time I strolled up to the bar, so after L and her friend stood there for about 5 minutes I said "Let me try, the bartender likes me."  With a wink.  I stepped up, caught her eye, and got drinks immediately.  The girls were dumbfounded, but I assured them if the bartender was a guy the opposite would be true.

We hung out and drank at the beer garden for a while and then were ready to go.  As people were getting into cabs I stole L, got her in my own cab and took her to Brighton.  She quickly realized we weren't going to the same place we came from and asked me what was going on.  I told her and she had a little mini freak out for a second.  "I didn't tell them I was leaving!  They're gonna think I got murdered!"  I assured her they weren't going to think that, but I called anyway to tell them I had kidnapped her.  She relaxed after that and we had drinks on my roof deck while we smoked and looked at the city.

We had an amazing conversation.  I really haven't thought of L as a potential girlfriend at all because she lives in Hartford, and I really am not thinking of her that way now, but she is really cool, and actually very smart and up on current events, which is pretty refreshing.  There is nothing worse than referencing a major world event that is going, only to have the person you're talking to stare blankly with no idea what you're talking about.

So at this point I was about 5 scotches and probably 8-9 beers deep, and L had finished half a bottle of Sky on her own, so needless to say we were both DRUNK.  We went inside, I used the bathroom and came out to find L in my bed with no clothes on.  

We didn't have sex.  Well, I should say, I don't remember us having sex, though I didn't really have the balls to ask her the next day whether we had or not.  That would have been BAD.  But honestly, I really don't care.  It was great to wake up with her with her head on my chest sleeping comfortably.  That is probably one of the things I miss the most.  Waking up with someone in my arms.

The next morning I brought her back to Somerville where all of her friends were, where she and I both took the appropriate amount of shit for slinking away in the night.  We were going to head out to breakfast before she and her friends headed back to CT, and I was planning to join, but by the time everyone got mobilized and we got to the diner there was a huge line and I had to make a tee time.  I left without saying good bye, like a complete asshole, but there were circumstances involved that made it so it would have been tough to get to her.

I texted her last night to apologize for not saying good bye and tell her it was great to see her.  She said no worries, and that she was happy that she got to see me again too.  I told her to come back to Boston soon so I could kidnap her again.  She said she was sure that she would be back soon.

So here I am.  I have one girl who wants nothing to do with me, and another who could be perfect for me if she didn't live 90 miles away.

Once again, this is the story of my life.  Super.

Till next time.