I'm not Barack Obama bad...buuut...

Last night was fantastic.  Caitlin (yes, apparently it's spelled with a C, and no Y.  Which is weird, because as I recall she typed her name into my phone, and spelled it the other way...but it was late, and I was drunk, so maybe it was me.) came into town, we went out for dinner.  It was wonderful.  She was a joy to talk to.  I had a wonderful time with her and I can only hope she felt the same way I did.  After dinner we went bowling with a few of my friends at Jillian's.  As the title says, I'm not Barack Obama bad, but she beat me.  Pretty handily.  Which was hilarious.  Then we went to another bar for a few drinks.  She got along well with my group of friends and was friendly and outgoing the whole night, which is something I truly value.  Then we came back to my place.

Caitlin stayed over, which was a pleasant surprise.  We didn't...umm...seal the deal as it were.  It is one of those situations where I don't want to do that too soon.  We were both REALLY drunk too, so the fact that we restrained ourselves says a lot to me.  This morning she left early to go home.

Now, she said she had fun, and seemed genuine about it, and that she wanted to see me again, but I'm ridiculous and I can't help having these stupid feelings of doubt. Again, it did seem like she had a good time, and last night she was very affectionate.  But this morning, not so much.  There was affection, but not as much.  I'm sure it was more about morning breath than anything else.  It is so odd, because I am honestly not this neurotic.  I really just need to relax and go with the flow, but for some reason lately I've been all bent out of shape over girls.  It's so stupid.  I barely know this girl.  She seems nice, she is beautiful, and she is fun, but I know NOTHING about her.  She could be nuts.  She could be a spoiled brat.  And here I am legitimately concerned whether she is into me or not.  I need to relax and just have fun.  That is my goal.  I'm going to enjoy the single life while I've got it, and if the perfect girl falls in my lap and it is meant to be more, it will work out.

Wish me luck.

A Question of Ethics

This came up the other day when speaking with a fellow blogger about the Boston Bloggers Party that Susie, et al. are arranging for the middle of next month.  People suggested I should go, and it does sound interesting, but what do I tell people I'm doing?  Now, I blog, and no one close to me really knows about it (which seems a bit unhealthy to me, but that is for another post).  My reasoning for this is that I don't want to censor myself.  I write about my life and the people in it, and I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, and I also don't want to have to hold back.  It's not like I lie to people.  I mean if someone straight out asked me "Do you have a blog?" I would say yes.  But it isn't information that I'm offering to my friends (except 1, but she lives 3000 miles away.  HEY BECK!  Another girl friend.  What is my deal?).

So the point is, if I do decide to go to this little shin dig, what do I tell people I'm doing?  I don't like lying to people, but on the same note, I'd feel a little weird being like, "Oh, I'm going to meet up with some people I don't really know that I've spoken to online a few times."  No offense to anyone.  I'm sure you're all wonderful people, but to me it seems like there is this stigma attached to "online friends."  

I still haven't even decided if I'm going yet.  Not because of all of this, but because I have no idea what I'm doing that weekend.  I do know that it is father's day, so I will be having to make a trip to see dad at some point during the weekend.

At any rate, I guess the "Question of Ethics" that this all started off with has to do with whether my fellow bloggers (yes, you) are in similar situations.  Do your friends know you blog?  If so, does it make you feel like you need to censor yourself or not talk about certain things?  I'm fairly certain that would be the case for me, and honestly, I think this blog would lose a lot of its character (not that it has a lot to begin with) if I were just talking about the P.C. stuff and not dishing on my true feelings about every situation.

Let me know how you all feel.  I'd put up a poll or whatever, but I'm not terribly HTML savvy, so comments would be GREATLY appreciated.

Update!!!! Houston, the problem is solved...

As you can tell from all of the exclamation points, I'm excited.  I made "the call."  It went as well as it could go!  I explained to Kaitlyn that I wasn't going to be on the North Shore this weekend, then said "Well, that is kind of a lie because I will be there Saturday night, but it is my mom's birthday so I will be spending the night with her."  She sounded disappointed, then I said "But." and invited her into the city for dinner, and bowling after at my friend's birthday party.  "I LOVE bowling!" she said.  And that is where we are.  She is coming Friday.  I will keep you all post.

Thanks for reading.  Stay tuned for more.

Houston...we have a problem...

So, people suck.  Most people.  I shouldn't say that.  A lot of people.  If you've been reading, you may remember the Filthy Savages post from a while back.  Well, I brought my car to the shop yesterday to get it fixed, and wouldn't you know it, it won't be done till next Monday.  I know, its kind of my own fault for being the kind of pretentious jerk who drives an Audi, because of course, the dealership doesn't have the part, it needs to be ordered...BLAH!

Now, normally this wouldn't be a problem because I don't drive a lot, but how the HELL am I supposed to call and make plans with Kaitlyn when I have no wheels?!  She doesn't live in the city, so I'm left with few options:

1.  Borrow someone's car - not happening.  The only person I know who would probably let me borrow his car is my roommate, and I don't want to owe him anything.  Just trust me on this one.

2.  Zipcar - now, I don't mind Zipcar I guess, but you know I'd end up with one of those super lame smart cars or something like that, and be sitting in the driver's seat on a first date saying "I swear, my real car is an Audi, its just in the shop."  Would you by that?  Just not the way to start off if you're really interested in someone.

3.  Invite Kaitlyn to the city.

Now, this is an interesting proposition for a number of reasons.  I was invited to a friends b-day party this friday, that I was totally planning on blowing off to take Kaitlyn out (assuming she agreed to go out with me on Friday in the first place of course)  This is a party for a friend who is a girl (funny, I have lots of girls who are friends...how did that happen??) so I'm sure she will have lots of cute friends, and we will be out till all hours of the night, but honestly all I can think of is how I can see Kaitlyn.  It is so wierd!  Also adding to the dynamic is the friend who brought the girl to the party "for me" last weekend.  She will be at these birthday festivities.  Not that anything probably would happen, but you know how loose some lips get with a few martinis.  Also adding to that situation is the fact that the friend of the friend from last weekend may be coming to Boston NEXT weekend...and not to be presumptuous or anything, but she may be expecting something....that may all change if I'm with some other girl the weekend before....though that probably shouldn't be my motivation for doing anything...

I've kind of decided I'm going to extend the invitation to Kaitlyn to come to Boston on Friday.  Chances are she will turn it down, in fact I expect that.  I'm not going to say I won't be disappointed, but that would mean I'd get to spend the night out with a bunch of girls anyway....so I guess it's not all bad....

(Side note:  I've been a different person lately.  Honestly, when I'm in a relationship other women are the last thing on my mind.  I have zero problem being monogamous.  But now that I'm single it is a completely different mind set.  I feel like I need to meet and hang out with as many women as I can...and if it goes further than that...well I'm not going to be the one to stop it most of the time (kind of makes me a little bit of a slut doesn't it?)  It just seems very out of character for me, but at the same time, when you're living this single life (which many of you know I am not used to AT ALL) I guess the point is to get yourself out there and have fun with as many people as you can.....)

The last time I was single I took this approach for a little too long.  I let someone who I was very interested in slip away because I was more concerned with having fun. (There was a bit of a miscommunication here too.  I was under the impression that she was just interested in fun and nothing more.  Had I known she wanted a relationship with me it may have turned out differently.  I only found out that she did about a year into my last relationship, and now she lives with her new boyfriend.)

It is so hard to know if what I am doing is right.  But I'm not going to over think it.  I'm going to make the call tonight and put the invite out there.  If she says yes, fantastic.  If she says no, thats not so horrible either.....I'm honestly not sure what I'm hoping for more....This is strange for me...I always know what I want...

On Vonnegut...and others....But first

Thank you all so much for your comments.  They are great, and enlightening and quite frankly helpful in a way that I would probably not get from friends, because I'm rarely this candid.  I'd like to kind of respond to all without getting very specific to any one.  First of all, it does suck that we all have to be so cynical.  I can remember a time when all I wanted was to be in love, and nothing else mattered.  Now it seems like there is so much B.S. surrounding everything (not to mention my failed attempts at long term relationships) that you have to be cynical until the other person proves to you that you should think otherwise.  And the comment about not one owing anyone anything; well, thats right, and honestly that is how I feel about most situations like this.  But sometimes I run into someone who I just feel like "Wow, I would really love it if there could be something here."  (Full Disclosure:  I've always been quite introspective, and realized a long time ago that the women I tend to "want something to be there" with are the more attractive ones.  It is horrible even to type, but why lie.  Believe me this has led to its share of problems.)  

My position on the whole thing is this: Just be honest, and be who you are and it will sort itself out.  I can say right now that neither of the girls that I was in long term relationships with accurately represented themselves for the first few months that we dated.  I can't claim complete innocence here, but I didn't lie about things or leave out things like "Oh by the way I take 2 Xanax a day and if I don't I lay in bed crying."  I can understand not wanting that to come out on the first few dates, but you're kind of leaving out a biiiig part of who you are if you don't let someone know that within the first few months of a relationship no?  I should edit that last comment: my first long term relationship was amazing for 6 of 6 and a half years.  We grew apart, she didn't mislead me, she just changed in a way that I couldn't deal with.  (In retrospect, were I put in the same situation today I probably would have dealt with it...the old you don't know what you've got till its gone.)

Anyway, thanks for all of your constructive comments.  I'm just gonna go with the flow and not worry.  Or try like hell not to worry.  The best thing about being in a relationship (well, for me during the last couple) is the fact that you can go to sleep at night knowing you have someone you can hold on to if things get tough.  And even if they don't and you just want a hug.

So, in the interest of not being a complete narcissist I would like to quickly write about something OTHER than my personal life.  I've been reading "The Road" By Cormac McCarthy, I'm about half way through.  It is a wonderful, if extremely depressing book.  

The story is good, the writing is good and it is deep in a way that many books are not.  But Mr. McCarthy takes EXTREME liberties with grammar.  I'm no english major (as I'm sure anyone can tell) but for god's sake if you write a sentence with 30 or more words there HAS to be a comma in there somewhere no?  He also uses no punctuation in his dialogue and rarely even explains who is speaking, so I've spent some amount of time re-reading passages to try to figure out who was saying what.  This book won a Pulitzer.  It deserves it.  This will be in high school's required reading long after I'm gone.  I've read other pulitzer winners, and it seems to me that, though it is important that you have a good story (in the fiction category I mean), having a unique sort of writing style goes a long way.

One more thing.  I love nearly everything Kurt Vonnegut ever wrote.  The

 one book, however that I am REALLY not a fan of is Slaughterhouse Five, which of course is what you are FORCED to read in high school.  I was on a Vonnegut strike for a number of years because I figured everything he wrote was probably like the one book I had read.  Finally I was convinced to read the Sirens of Titan, and I loved it.  I proceeded to read every Vonnegut book I could get my hands on.  If anyone out there was turned off by Slaughterhouse Five in high school, give Kurt another shot.  You won't be disappointed.

The Finest Laid Plans...

So, I will try to recap the weekend as best as I can remember.  It was a bit of a blur.  Too much beer, too many people.  Ah, who am I kidding, I loved every second of it.  Anyway, let us start with the phone call, as it seems to be what many people are interested in hearing about.

So, after my post Thursday I went out and met up with a few friends at the Publick House in Brookline for some pre-basketball game beers and dinner.  (Julie, I'm a huge fan, always been one of my favorite bars, though I don't know anyone who works there ;) )  After dinner, I made the call on my walk home.  I do this a lot for some reason.  I feel like when I'm walking I can't think too much about what I'm saying because I need to be concerned with not getting run over.  She answered, I said "Hi it's Nick, do you remember me?"  Not the smoothest opener, I know, but the answer to that question will pretty much tell you how the rest of the call will go (plus a legitimate question to someone who's phone number you got at last call at a bar).  She answered "Of course, I was wondering when you were going to call me!"  I'm not sure there is an answer she could have given that would have made me feel more immediately at ease.  We chatted, I told her I was having a cook-out in Gloucester, and that it would be great if she could come.  She asked what night, I said Saturday, and wouldn't you know it in the irony of ironies she had tickets to a show...In Boston!!!  The one weekend I wasn't going to be in Boston, and she was!  Sucked.  I couldn't (I should say, didn't think I could) hang out Friday night, so I suggested maybe Sunday.  She said definitely, give me a call.

So, Friday night there were circumstances that I believed would make it so I couldn't hang out with Kaitlyn, which is why I said I couldn't on Thursday.  Those circumstances changed, so I figured what the hell, I'll give her a call.  She was at a friend's house in Cambridge!!!  Worst weekend ever to leave the city apparently.

In other news, the cook-out in Gloucester turned into a party, as tends to happen.  A friend of a 

friend came up from Connecticut to hang out, and my friend told me just after their arrival, in no uncertain terms that she was there for me....exact words actually "she is here for you"...and this is a girl 

telling me this about her friend.  At any rate, as any party at one's residence ends up being, I was all over the place throughout the night, talking to people I hadn't seen in a while, making sure everyone was behaving.  At the end of the night (beginning of morning) I ended up in a room with my friend, the girl who was "here for" me, and another friend.  The search for places to sleep started when the birds started singing, and since I had "the biggest most comfortable bed in the house" (not my quote, hers) she asked if I would mind if she slept with me.

I am weak.  I'm a little more than mildly disappointed in myself I would say.  But should I be?  Someone throws themselves at you, it is hard to say no when you're drunk, especially when you're single.  I guess I really have no reason to have not slept with her, other than the fact that I'm really not a HUGE one night stand kind of guy.  (Full Disclosure:  In my life I've had 4 one night hook ups including this one.  I would say 2 out of 4 should not count because they were with people that I knew for some time before actually sleeping with them, but as there was no repeat performance I would say it is a one nighter.  Always seems to happen when I'm drunk, and in the 2 incidents with friends both parties kind of regretted it.)  I just can't help the feeling of...scummyness I guess....that goes along with a 1 nighter sometimes.  Again, if you like 1 nighters, be my guest, I reserve no right to judge, and really would like to think that I don't, its just not for me.  I guess I need more.  Call it Catholic guilt, but I did get her phone number from my friend, so I guess if I make a phone call I can turn it into not a one nighter??  If that is possible?

On Sunday, I was in very rough shape.  That happens when you drink till 4 AM, do whatever till whenever, and wake up at 10 to play golf.  After 18 I had to clean, a lot.  I didn't get in touch with Kaitlyn till about 8PM, and I was honest with her.  I said, "I'm staying home tonight.  I'm so sorry, I was up till 4AM and woke up at 10...I wouldn't be very good company.  If you want to go out another time, I will be back next weekend."  (I said honest, not suicidal...of course I couldn't tell her what had also contributed to my lack of sleep...I don't think that was out of line...tell me if I'm wrong.)  She told me she was at home and was actually planning on staying in anyway "...unless you called and convinced me."  I apologized, and told her that next weekend I wouldn't take no for an answer.  We are doing something.  I don't think I'll wait till Thursday to call this time.

Not the best case scenario of what could have happened this weekend, but a good time none the less, and it seems as though Kaitlyn is interested enough to give me a shot.  Here is a question for comment:  Is it bad that my immediate thought when she told me she had tickets to a show was that I thought she was trying to avoid me?  I mean, she explained it (it turns out she was going to see the same band that we were watching when we met last week) so I'm reasonably certain it was the truth.  It sucks that I even think that, and at one time I never would have, but recently it seems people have been much less genuine with me.  Like honesty is a luxury I shouldn't assume I'm being given.  Sad, really.

Housekeeping! Want me Fluff Pillow!?

So just some random housekeeping.  First, found this link on the Digg (one of my all time favorite web sites) and I thought it tied in nicely with the "That Guy" post from a couple weeks back.  I guess I'm the writer one...or was for 1 day.  Lame huh?

Also, voiceinmyhead made a great point about the "The Myth...The Legend" post.  You are absolutely right.  That "I don't need advice from strippers" was pretty much a horrible thing to say, and honestly, I didn't even think about it at the time.  I know a lot of people would sit here and further badmouth strippers to make themselves not look like a jerk, but I really tend to agree with you on this one.  I guess I am a bit judgmental in that post, and I will work to try not to be.  Thank you for the post.  This is totally what I started this blog for.  If not for voiceinmyhead's post I wouldn't have thought twice about that, so again, thank you.

Also, with regard to the work post, it seems dress codes are the craw in everyone's collective

 paw.  Except you, average girl in average world.  I can't disagree when you say that wearing nice clothes makes you feel good, but what I will say is that the kinds of clothes that I think I look good in are not what my dress code will allow.  Honestly, I think I have far more

 confidence and feel much better about myself in a pair of jeans than a pair of khakis.  (Random Tangent:  What the F is with pleated pants?  Are they the stupidest looking things ever?  I don't own

 a pair, never will, and every time I see someone in pleated khakis I just feel bad.  FLAT FRONT PANTS GENTLEMEN!!! I'm no slave to fashion, but even I know pleated pants are a big fat no no.)  Anyway, thank you all for your comments and PLEASE keep reading and commenting.

Oh!!!!!  So, today is the day that I'm going to call The Girl From The Bar (also known as Kaitlyn).  Honestly, I'm not nervous.  I don't know what I am, but I know what nervous feels like, and this is not it.  I'm trying to think of how to do this without it turning into a weird awkward phone conversation that lasts longer than it should.  I'm thinking my best bet is to stop thinking and just do it.  I may put it off till tomorrow....I'm a serial procrastinator, but I won't be able to hang out with her till Saturday night anyway, though I guess I should probably get my hand in there before she makes other plans.  Eh, we'll see.  I'll keep you all posted.

Jerry and Don

Not in the mood to type, and don't really have anything to write, so I'll just leave you all with some entertainment from Boston's own Don Orsillo (Northeastern grad like myself) and Jerry Remy.

Teddy K

Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor today.  This is not a good thing for a 76 year old man, and probably means that he will pass on soon.  Now, Ted has been a polarizing figure in American politics for many decades, but no one can argue that he has had influence in the way the government has been run since 1962, and people in Massachusetts in particular, whether they agree with everything he stands for or not, should be grateful for all of the things he has done for this state.  For the last few years Ted has been among the most outspoken critics of the war in Iraq, and the Bush administration in general.  He is also an advocate for gun control and for taking responsibility for the health care of citizens of this country who can't afford it.  He has always been a man of the people.  He has flaws, as all of us do, though in comparison the scandals of recent years his transgressions seem a bit trivial.

In the end, to me, Ted Kennedy seems like a man who realizes that the U.S. Senate should work for the will of the people that elected them and should work every day to make their lives better.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Ted, and his family that has already known such tragic loss.  Just one more time Ted, for me, walk on to the Senate floor, and remind all of these self aggrandizing, self righteous fools in the congress that they are there for and because of us, the people of the U.S. who voted them into office.  And that they are responsible and accountable to us, not lobbyist or campaign donors.  This could and should be the legacy of you and your family, and I know that you can do it.  Make us proud, as you have for over 40 years.  Lay it all out there one last time.  You have nothing to lose.  God bless you.

The Myth....The Legend

All of you people who have played golf will understand parts of this post.  Others will not, but parts they will....but there are parts of this post that are not at all golf related, so if you're not a golfer, skip the first paragraph and read on.

So I played 18 holes with my co-workers at a gorgeous private golf club.  I've never really played on a course this nice before.  And I sucked.  I've been playing golf since I was 15 years old, so about 10 years now, and in 10 years I've NEVER played 18 holes worse than the 18 I played today.  I'm not kidding.  Even when I was a 15 year old who had really never played before I could at least hit the ball right.  Maybe not where I wanted it to go, but straight and in the air.  Today, I couldn't hit anything right.  It fucking sucked.  I just wanted to get off the golf course, when in reality I should have been having a great time playing on a great course.  Those who have played this horrible game will know what I'm talking about.  Some days you're just horrible, and there is nothing that you can do about it...that was me today.  Other days you hit the ball beautifully and you love it...its a mystery....

In other news, on the way home I went to a strip club with some co-workers.  Now, I'm not generally a strip club kind of guy.  It's not that I really have anything in particular against s

trip clubs.  If guys want to pay to see naked women, and women want to get naked for money who am I to tell them they are wrong.  I mean, I don't really overtly enjoy strip clubs or strippers, and I don't NOT enjoy them.  To me going to a strip club is more about a social experience than seeing women with no clothes on.  Like there should be a special occasion, a bachelor party, birthday...etc, as a reason to go to a strip club.  People who just go to strip clubs on a random afternoon because they have nothing to do kind of bug me out.

Anyway, We get into the strip club, get a few beers, watch a few strippers dance.  Now, most women don't understand the type of "relationship" that I personally have with strip clubs and strippers.  I don't go to strip clubs to get jollies or thrills or to find a date.  It is a social thing.  I never go with less than 3 or 4 other people.  I'm not the guy who sits next to the stage sticking my tongue out and licking my lips, and honestly, no lie, I don't get lap dances.  It's about going out with the guys.  Is that objectifying women?  Well, yes, I guess you can't treat a woman more like an object than if you're throwing money at her to take her clothes off, so that I am guilty of.  But honestly, if these particular women had a real problem with it they wouldn't be doing it, and lets not pretend like there are no male strip clubs that women frequent and objectify men.  But my point is, strippers are strippers.  It's not like me seeing your best friend taking her clothes off, it's not like seeing anyone I would ever be interested in taking their clothes off.  It's just a random girl on a stage with no clothes on.  If it were up to me, I would pretty much never go to a strip club, but sometimes it's just what happens.

So, while at the strip club with the work guys one of the strippers asked me how old I was, I told her, she said "Wow, you're young."  Apparently 25 is young in stripper years??  Even though she couldn't possibly have been older than 25 herself.  Another stripper told me I was handsome....I mean, thank you sweetheart and all, but you understand that coming from you it seems a little less than genuine.  Yet ANOTHER stripper asked me if I was ok (yes, this many strippers actually spoke to me in the 30 minutes that I was in the club, why I don't know because they never spoke to any of the other guys I was with).  I said "I'm fine, why?"  She said I should smile more....

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but umm....I don't really need advice from strippers.  I left the place feeling like a dirty old man, as I always do after leaving a strip club.  The thoughts going through my head pretty much went like this:

-  Do these women have boyfriends or even husbands?  And if so, who are these men who are just fine with the women that they supposedly love taking their clothes off for money?

-  Does it make me scummy that I was just at a strip club?

-  How would I feel if the girl I was dating was at a male strip club?  (Note: I answered this question pretty much as soon as I asked it:  I really don't think it's a problem because I assume women see strippers the same way as I do; entertainment and a social occasion, not anything to be taken seriously.)

-  If I weren't single, would I actually tell the truth about this whole situation to my significant other or would I lie?

This last question wasn't so easy to answer.  I mean, honestly, it would be a LOT easier to just lie or not mention it because then there is no guilt trip about it.  But that is kind of horrible, and when I think about it, I will try as hard as I can not to do something like that.  Though there are no guarantees, I hope someday I can find a girl who I could say "I went to the strip club with the guys from work today."  And she could say something like "Eww gross" and that would be the end of it because she knows what its like...

Maybe some day...or maybe I should just not go to strip clubs...