Where am I? (Thanks Snappz!)

Snappz reminded me that I haven't even really thought about this blog since October, so here's an update in case anyone is still listening:

My hypothesis on not writing and how it would help my mental state has been more true than I could have imagined.  Since E, which was over soon after, or during my last post, I've met a few girls, gone out, and had fun, but have had a much healthier outlook on life in general.  A significant other is no longer an all consuming thought.  I'm living life for myself, and not thinking obsessively about relationships, every word I've said or what I'm doing wrong all the time.  I even met someone who I told about my blog, and she read the whole thing, though I feel as though she may have gotten the wrong impression about me from it, who cares.  That was a big step.

I have been writing some fiction when I find the time, and it has been liberating.  It's certainly more fun to write stories about someone who isn't me, and it's really great to be able to just make things up and have things turn out the way that I want them to.

I've also begun the search for a new roommate, as my current one is unbearable and is bringing me down (if anyone is looking, or knows someone who is let me know).

All in all I'm in a much healthier place in my life, and though I'd really like to get back to blogging I have a lot of uncertainty on how it would effect me were it to be as personal as it were before, and if it were less personal I'm not confident I'd have anything interesting to write about.

At any rate, if you're reading this, awesome, though I'm not expecting a whole lot of readership given my four month hiatus.  Thanks again for all of your comments and support in my tougher times, it did not go unappreciated.  I'm sorry for giving up for now....but it really needs to be this way at the moment.  I hope you all understand.

Lots of love.

-Nick

Blogging...Blessing or Curse

I talked to E last night.  It was not pretty.  It started out well enough, but then I told her I had to talk to her.  She called, and I proceeded to essentially make a fool out of myself.  I told her I was being honest, and I was, but the problem is not her it's me.  She said something telling

"You're thinking about this too much."

I am.  I am thinking about this too much.  It's been a month since we started seeing each other, and 3 weeks ago I told her that I had no problem taking it slow.  Well taking it slow does not consist of me starting shit like this and asking her for, not so much commitment, as time.  She doesn't owe me her time.  She's not my girlfriend.  Somewhere along the line I've lost sight of this fact and I've been trying to figure out where.  I think I've realized.  It's here.

When I blog about my relationship shit, not only do I think about it when I'm writing it, but when I read through it and re-read it.  Because of this blog the last month feels like an eternity and I constantly have thoughts of her in my head, when what I should be thinking about is living my life and dealing with my issues.  Instead the only issue I have in my head is E and the perceived slights toward me.

When I was with the boss I didn't really think a whole lot about it being anything other than the physical stuff, and that worked out great for 6 months.  I think the end that the end of that situation did effect me, but why this much?  Again, I have this horrible feeling that because I write, read and re-read these things and it puts these horrible thoughts in my head.  I need to relax.  And now it's PROBABLY too late with E...which isn't necessarily a bad thing based on what I'm getting from the folks in bloggy world and my friends as well.

So what conclusion have I reached?  I don't know.  I need to seriously think about how this blog is affecting me and how I view my life.  I've never been the type to go remembering things over and over again and obsessing, but having it all written here facilitates that kind of behavior.  

I don't want to stop blogging.  Frankly I love it.  I love to write, it's my outlet.  But I need to seriously reconsider my material if it is going to contribute to me being different mentally in my everyday life.

What I've decided is this:  I'm going to take a few days off from blogging.  I might write another post before I go on vacation for the week next week, but in the meantime I'm going to write some fiction for myself.  I've been thinking a lot about a screenplay, or a book.  Honestly not with expectation that it will ever turn into anything, but more so I have an outlet.  Some type of stress relief.  If you're all interested in reading some of said fiction that I write, please let me know.  Can't hurt to have some proof readers/critics.

I apologize to you all for this break.  I know it seems out of the blue, but I need to see if it makes a difference.  It may, it may not, but I need to try.  Another thing that I'm seriously considering is some therapy.  My mother sent me an email today.  She saw me for roughly 10 minutes this weekend and could tell there was something wrong.  Maybe it's a mom thing, or maybe I'm projecting my neurosis in a way that the outside world can see, which to me means I need to do something about it.  After I told my mother the abridged version of the E story and all of the BS I've been dealing with at work she actually suggested that maybe I should go talk to someone.  It is probably great advice.

Again, I'm so sorry, but I feel I need to do this because my life needs to change, and I truly believe that this will help.  I will keep reading all of your blogs and commenting.  I may post random rants on politics or economics or life in general, but for now I'm staying out of the female issues in my head.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your input.  You've really become a second support group for me and I really really do appreciate it.  If there's another bloggy meet up please let me know cuz I'd love to put some faces with names.

Signing off for now.

-Nick

Not a good audition...

Still no call.  She's not doing very well on her audition.  If I don't hear from her before 9 tonight I'm calling to see what the fuck is up.  If its over its over, but SHE could most certainly do me the courtesy of letting me know.

B, dating doesn't kind of suck.  Dating totally sucks.

All of my friends are telling me to run for the hills, and I can't tell you why I'm not.  Because I'm a rube.  Or something of the sort.  This sucks.

I really don't deserve it.  Or do I?

Epiphany?

So on my car trips to and from Gloucester this weekend I had some time to myself to reflect and think.  I also got to hang out with some close friends I haven't seen in a while, which helped to give me a little perspective.  Probably didn't hurt that I got pretty stoned, pretty much all weekend...which always leaves me feeling more laid back and ambivalent about my personal situation and the world in general.

The realization that I've come to is that I really need to chill the hell out with regard to this and any other relationships that I have with girls.  I need to just deal with the fact that what I have now with E may be all it ever is.  I need to understand that if this is all that it is going to be I can still have fun and enjoy myself.  And if it somehow becomes more, it becomes more.  If it doesn't then it doesn't.

Of course last night I went out in Harvard Square with some friends, and texted and called E to let her know that I was back in Boston in case she wanted to hang out.  She didn't call.  Of course.  And my new approach to not giving a shit hasn't quite kicked in yet, so needless to say I'm not happy about it.  I need to shift my entire attitude toward E and probably let her know about it.  Which will be hard if she never answers her phone or calls me back.

This sucks.  Someday maybe I'll find an attractive intelligent girl who likes me and is somewhat emotionally available.  As yet, no luck in that department.  I'm not desperate....yet.  But if I keep striking out like i have been, I'm sure I will get that way.

Sorry for the short post, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this.  PrincessB you mentioned therapy for E.  I don't know if she is or has or doesn't get any at all, but clearly she needs it.  I'd like to ask her, but I'm not sure if I should.  Speaking of therapy, I've been considering going and speaking to someone myself.  This blog is my therapy, and as helpful as it is, it isn't real help.  I've got insurance, might as well use it.

Revalation.....

E called Wednesday when I was on my way home from work. Unusual on her part to be so timely and forward, and as it turns out she needed to use my computer since hers was broken. I obliged and she came and we hung out while she posted to some job sites as her store is looking to hire. By the time she was done A-hole was home. She hung out for a while longer until another of my friends showed up and she realized that the guys were coming over to watch the baseball game.

"You're more than welcome to hang if you want, but you'll definitely be the only girl."
"No it's cool. I was thinking about meeting up with someone later anyway so I'll just do that."

She leaves. The guys and I drink some beers, have some pizza and watch playoff baseball. (Side Note: The difference between a real Red Sox fan and any other sports fan? Me. When they have a playoff game on the west coast, that starts at 10PM, I am so wound up by the time the game ends that I need to drink a 6 pack if I want to fall asleep within the next hour. And we're talkin 130AM here.)

At about 1030 I get a text from E that says her friend blew her off (karma?) I say I'm sorry that happened to her, and she is more than welcome to come back and watch the rest of the baseball game with us.

She responds 10 minutes later that perhaps she hasn't been blown off.
I respond, ok well, whatever. I'll be here. Let me know if you're coming over.

15 minutes later she texts again "I did get blown off."
I tell her to come over. She says sure, but I just ordered wings at the bar, so I'll be there after.
This is at approximately 1145. Around 120 the game ends and there's no news from E. I'm on my way to try to lay down and get some sleep, so I call. No answer. I send a text "What the hell happened?"

As I'm climbing into bed I'm pretty pissed off. I say fuck it, I'm calling one more time. If this girl doesn't answer I'm done. She picks up, clearly still at the bar.

"Hello?"
"Uuuum hi? Weren't you supposed to be coming to my house?"
"I think I'm just going to go to bed."
"Ok, how many times do you think you can blow me off before I tell you to go fuck yourself?"
"What?"
"I think you heard me."
"I didn't say I was coming over."
"Read your text messages." (Side note: she's clearly shit faced)
"I can't."
"Go outside of the bar so I don't have to yell for you to hear me. I need to talk to you."
"I can't leave. They won't let me back in."
"It's 130. If you don't leave that bar right now so I can talk to you don't bother calling me again."
"Ok. I'm coming over."

She comes to my house and I meet her outside. I show her the text message chain that led me to believe she was coming over. She gets it now.

"I'm sorry"
"I told you I can't deal with this. I asked you to do 2 things for me and this was one of them, and you can't do it."
"I'm sorry" She is literally stumbling drunk. I can't let her walk home alone like this so I bring her upstairs. We go out to the deck to have a butt.

"Am I wasting my time?"
"No. No."
"Well it really seems to my like I am. Look, I understand you keeping me at a distance because of the shit that has happened to you in your past, but ya know what? You need to decide if you want this to go any further because how it is now, it's not."
"I'm sorry. You've been nothing but the sweetest guy to me since the moment I met you. Quite frankly you're probably the best thing in my life right now."
"So why are you always pushing me away?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes. Obviously."
"When I was 20 I was raped by my boyfriend. And when I was younger my father was physically abusive to me and my brothers."

...What. The. Fuck. Again? You can NOT be serious!!??

So. I always kind of had an inkling that there was more to her aloofness than just cheating exes. But I didn't know what. And this does explain the "My head is too fucked up" comment from last weekend. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

My immediate reaction is rage. I want to find this piece of shit and cave in his skull with a 9-iron. But obviously my next emotion is compassion for this poor girl. She's fucked up from this shit. It's this shit that makes her the way she is. So I'm left with this. What do I do? Can she be changed? Can she ever trust me and open up to me? I mean, this obviously was a pretty big step, so maybe?

I told my friend Becky about it and her advice was to get out. She doesn't lack compassion for the situation, but she doesn't think I need this kind of relationship based on the last one I had with someone so emotionally unstable.

I was telling Ham the story, and got halfway through when he said, "Wait let me guess, she got raped." He was totally joking because he knew the Russian story too, but when I told him that she had indeed he was dumbfounded. "How the fuck do you do it man?"
"I wish I knew....so I could stop."
Ham and I have decided that the next couple of weeks will be very telling as far as whether or not I should continue this relationship. My thought is that if she starts to open up to me and trust me more then maybe there is something there. If not, I'll have my answer.

We hung out last night and I finally met one of her friends. It was a good time and the girl we hung out with seemed very nice. Her friend told me that E flakes out on her all the time so I shouldn't take it personally. I told her that doesn't make it ok. E went home instead of staying at my place, and I can't blame her because she had today off, and I obviously had to get up for work. I'm out of town all weekend.

Next week begins her grace period, for lack of a better term. Some serious steps need to be taken between the two of us in the next 15 days or this is going no where. I wonder if I should tell her that, or just see what happens.

I'm starting to feel like God is testing me. I was less than gracious with the last damaged soul He sent my way, but that was a completely different situation. I haven't been great with this one either, but had I known these things before last weekend things may have been different. I feel like this is a challenge, and I don't want to run away from it, but at the same time I can't escape the feeling of hopelessness that surrounds it. Its a battle in my head. I need a sailboat and some time to be alone and reflect, unfortunately I don't have that luxury.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your comments. It's good to have some perspective.

Till next time.

Edit: I'm a Lying Asshole...

But allow me to explain...

Friday night E and I went to dinner in Kenmore Square.  We had fun, as we always do, and ate good food, drank good wine and had good conversation.  All the while I had to play cruise director for my friends who on this night weren't even capable of thinking of a place to go to dinner.  So needless to say I receive and send a few texts during dinner.  Normally I wouldn't but I was pretty much responsible for this night, so I had to make sure everyone was taken care of.

"Are you just gonna text people all night, or are you actually going to talk to me?"

Whoa?!  Were did that come from?

"Um, I'm sorry...sometimes with my friends I have to play cruise director to make sure everything goes off right.  But I'm talking."

"Eh, you're just getting too comfortable with me."

Clearly her read of me is approximately as inaccurate as my read of her.

"HA!  That could not be FARTHER from the truth!"

"Really?  You're not comfortable with me?"

"Ummm...sometimes, but honestly, most of the time, no.  Not at all."

"Why?"

"Umm, well.  I guess I feel like I'm still at the stage where I could call you and you'd just decide to stop answering your phone."

"I would answer my phone." She says with a little smile.

Doesn't exactly put my mind at ease.  

So we finish dinner and meet up with Ham and Cheese and my a-hole roommate who decided to tag along.  Head to Bukowski on Boylston for a few beers and I call my other friend who it turns out has wound up downtown.  He was at Gypsy Bar. I texted "Wanna know how I know you're gay?  Because you're at Gypsy Bar. 

 Homo!"

He texted that he and his gf and her two friends were headed down to Boylston momentarily.  We headed across the street to Whiskeys to grab some scotch since they don't serve it at Bukowski (at least that I know of).  We find some stools at the bar and hang out drinking, talking and taking the occasional smoke break.

All the while E is great.  She's sociable.  Talking to Cheese, and Ham.  Not so much the roommate, but who could blame her.  He's an ass.  My other friends finally show up to Whiskeys and we all chill and talk about how drunk we are and the adventure that put us in such a state.  All of the sudden E is really drunk and wants to go.  So we go.  Of course A-hole comes with us because he's too cheap to get a cab home alone, even though he's single and there was more tail running around Whiskeys at last call than you can shake a stick at.  But I digress.

All the way home A-hole (as my roommate will be known from here on out) is talking shit.  I know such and such.  I have such and such money.  I can get tickets to this and that.  All bullshit.  All of it.  Finally I get fed up with the bullshit he's spouting trying to impress the girl who's clearly with me and wants nothing to do with him, that I lean over to her and start calling him out on his bullshit with whispers in her ear.

"I know a guy who has so much money that...."

"PSST!  Thats a lie."

"Then one time we were like on the field at Fenway...."

"ALSO a lie."

She turns to me with the "Why would he do that?" face.

All I can do is shrug and put my palms skyward.

I get out at an ATM to grab cash, because despite all of the money that A-hole claims to have, he's a cheap prick.  I'm literally not in the ATM for more than 15 seconds than E comes in behind me.

"What is his problem?"

"I don't know.  I guess he's trying to impress you, but he's really full of shit."

"Why is he trying to impress me?"

"No idea.  Maybe he thinks if he's rich enough, cool enough and knows enough famous people you'll sleep with him instead of me?"

She burst into laughter.

We get to my place and go to bed.  Before anything starts I tell her that I want to see her tomorrow.  She says "I have plans with some friends."

"So what?  You met my friends, I think I can handle yours.  I get along pretty good with most people."

"Ok I'll call."

So, we sleep together.  She leaves the next morning a semi early to get to work.  I sleep.  Late.  Golf got rained out, obviously.  It's ok though.  I need to not spend $120 on a round of golf.  Its for the better.

The day goes by.  I hang with my friend K and watch some college football.  Ham calls and says he's meeting some friends in Harvard Square and I should come.  I tell him I'm waiting for E to call but that I will give him a shout later on.  So again, I've blown off people, and fun to wait for E.

At 930 I get a call from L.  She is 20 mins from Boston and on her way to meet up with the same friends in Harvard Square and wanted to know if it was OK that she could park by my place and we could maybe split a cab.

This is it.  This is the moment of truth.  I gave up the night for E.  I tried to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't even have the OPTION of hooking up with L.  In fact, I didn't even know she was coming into town until this phone call.  And what did E do?  She pretty much blew me off.  Now what would you do?  Say no to going out with this beautiful girl that wants to sleep with you, or sit at home waiting for a call from E that may or may not come.

"Sure, you know my place right?  There are two hour spots all over the place."

The die is cast.  Can't turn back now, I tell myself.

We go to Harvard Square and meet up with Ham and Cheese and a few other people at Tommy Doyles, move to Grendels and then L, myself, Ham and Cheese decide we're going back to their place in Somerville for scotch and other such night caps.

Ham and Cheese have a guest room.  So, there it happened.  Here is what I have to say: I honestly feel more chemistry with L than with E.  I won't say the sex is better, just deeper in an emotional sense.  Maybe that's just because I've been sleeping with E so much lately, but I don't know.  Also, importantly, afterward L wanted to be held, and touched and kissed.  E doesn't NOT want those things, she just doesn't seem as into them.

I wake up the next morning and head home.  L comes, as her car is there.  I burn her a few CD's and she is off back to Hartford.  I notice a missed call on my phone from E at 1230 AM.  Great, so you went out with your friends, got drunk and wanted to come over for a fuck.  Spectacular.

Yesterday E called as soon as I was out of work.  I was still on the train as a matter of fact.

"I totally spaced on calling you Saturday."

"Seems to be a theme with you."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Folding and putting away my laundry.  What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm not really doing anything.  I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?"

sigh........

"Sure.  I'll be here.  Give me a call."

Two and a half hours later "Hi, I got caught up with my roommates.  I'm on my way over now."

"Oook."

She came over, we watched a movie and started to fool around.  I stopped her.

"Lets go smoke a butt.  I need to talk to you."

"Ok."

We go to my deck.  And this is where I lie.

"So, I told you I'm not comfortable, and yesterday is why.  You were supposed to call me and you never did."

"I.."

"Let me finish.  I was also put in a moral dilemma this week.  I got a call from a friend in CT who I've hooked up with a few times who wanted to come visit me in Boston.  I told her no.  Because of you.  (LIE LIE LIE LIE:  In my defense read above.  Also in my defense, I wanted to have this conversation a LONG time ago, but was never given the chance by her.  I know.  I'm justifying things in my head.  But this is really how I saw/see it.)  And then you blow me off and I'm left to think "Hmm.  Here I am turning down the chance to hook up when the girl that I'm doing it for doesn't even call me when she says she's going to, and for all I know could be out sleeping with every guy she knows.'  So I ask you, would you do the same for me?"

Thought, no answer.  Then she speaks.

"Listen, I told you about my past..."

"I don't care.  I'm not asking about your past, I'm asking about now.  I need to know the truth."

"I've pretty much only been with you."

"First of all, pretty much doesn't cut it.  Second, what you have or have not done is less important to me than what you want to do."

"Well, as far as me and all of my friends are concerned you are the only one I'm seeing.  You're the first person I call when I have free time (LIE LIE LIE) and I really enjoy spending time with you."

Ok, what the hell is that answer?  As far as me and all of my friends?  And I clearly know for a FACT that I'm not the person you call when you get free time.

"Is that the truth?"

"Yes.  It is."

She gets silent.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"I...I can't say."

"Why?"

"Because my head is fucked up and I don't want you to hear about it yet."

"Believe me I've heard it all.  What is going on in your head is not going to scare me."

"I...It's just too soon."

I didn't push it.  I should have.  I don't know why I didn't.  I guess it all felt a bit hypocritical given the circumstances.  We went back to bed and she asked "So who is this girl?"

"Oh just a friend I've known for a while.  We started hooking up when I broke up with my ex."

E left with me this morning.  I forced her to kiss me at the subway stop.

Things aren't looking good.  Becky says I should run away, and I'm not sure she's wrong.  Here's the most optimistic analysis I can give at this point:  She's fucked up from her past.  She is keeping me at a distance so as not to get hurt.  The irony being that is exactly what put me in a position to hurt her.  I want to believe that at some point she could trust me and let me in.  But who knows.  Christ I have never met a single one of her friends yet, and I've never been in her apartment.  Clearly something is amiss.

So there I am.  I've never cheated before in my life.  Ever.  I'm not sure this counts, but either way I don't feel good about it.  I'm now struggling with where I go from here.  It sucks.  I really don't know what the hell to do.

I'm an asshole...

I guess it seems fitting that my 100th post is a turning point in my life to some extent.

I slept with L this weekend.  It's my fault, and I shouldn't have done it, but I did.  And I will tell you why.  But right now I need to call E back and figure out what I'm going to do about that.....

Just as an....anniversary I guess? for my 100th post I would sincerely like to thank all of you who read.  And though I haven't exactly stuck to the mission statement I made when I started this blog, I think that what I have done has been open and honest about myself and my life to an extent that I have yet to be able to reach in my everyday life.

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting.  It does not go unappreciated.

Quick post, pre-date

Just wanna really quickly address some comments because you guys have been great about reading and giving advice.

Lynn, I know where you're coming from.  Since I'm the veteran of a few long term relationships I do know what it's like to find that person that you're smitten with.  I also know what it's like to find a person that grows on you.  The girl I dated for 6 years I was madly in love with nearly from the day I met her.  She was beautiful, smart and wonderful.  I spent some of the best and happiest years of my life with her and honestly, had I met her 5 or 10 years later in my life would have married her, but that is a story for another post.

The girl I dated for 2+ years it wasn't that quick.  She was beautiful and fun, but what endeared me to her was seemingly her relaxed laid back attitude (which turned out to be a total misrepresentation) and easy to like personality.  After seeing her a few times I wanted more.  Fortunately so did she, so it worked out.

I guess the issue with E is that nothing is that clear cut.  It's like, I COULD be into having more with her, and she seems really cool and fun but there's this cloud of uncertainty hanging over everything.  And it's not necessarily about her.  I mean, to some extent it is in that it is her issue with commitment that is making me uneasy, but at the same time if I were a different person I would be able to just deal with that.

G, I do not take offense to your post at all, and I appreciate your honesty.  This is what this blog is about.  I want unfettered unedited thoughts and ideas from anyone who posts here.  With that said, let me try to address some of the things that you wrote.

First off, I am generally pessimistic of people as a whole.  In my experience the vast majority of the population is not to be trusted.  I guess trusted is not the right word.  They just aren't up to snuff I guess, though perhaps I have standards that are too high.

Yes, I do want someone who is open and honest.  I give that to people, and I expect it back.  I personally don't think that is too much to ask.  If you don't want to tell me your deepest darkest secret, thats fine, but as it pertains to me and my relationship with you, honesty is of paramount importance to me personally.  It just makes everything so much easier, and it heads off those miscommunications or misunderstandings that lead to drama.

Take the boss for instance.  Had the two of us been honest and open with each other at the time, things could have ended up very differently.  Or the girl I was in the 2+ year relationship with: If I knew from the beginning that she had OCD, anxiety and was the complete opposite of laid back, I PROBABLY wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her.  These are the reasons that I value honesty and openness in myself and the people I surround myself with.  With that said, none of my friends know about this blog, so I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

I've asked if E could be honest with me, and told her that honesty was the one and only expectation that I had of her.  Right now I'm trying to believe that I'm being given that, but it's hard sometimes.  Why?  Well this all stems from the conversation a few nights ago about commitment and monogamy.  Her attitude toward it is unsettling to me.  In the end, I can either deal with it, or not, but for the time being it puts doubts in my mind for a number of reasons.  First and foremost, is she out sleeping with other people and telling me she's at work till 10?  Second, I really don't have a good bead on what exactly it is she meant by all of that.  I mean, maybe she said it as a point to make sure I know how fucked over she's gotten in the past, hoping it would make a difference to me.  Or maybe she really means that she doesn't have any intention of not sleeping with other people because she just assumes I'd be doing the same thing.  In which case what am I left with?

That is the issue now, and why I feel as though I need clarification.  As in, am I completely wasting my time here?  Should I be treating this as a hook up and nothing more?  Someone saying they don't want to rush into a relationship doesn't exactly count as fuck buddy talk, but it also doesn't exclude that possibility.

The final point I would like to make is that you are totally right in your last point.  If someone doesn't live up to my standards I do start thinking about getting out.  But why shouldn't I?  Why should I stay with someone and forgo other things in my life when they aren't what I'm looking for?  The problem is, I'm unclear at this point whether or not E is what I'm looking for, and that, in the end, is what I need to figure out.

On my way to get E and head out.  Dinner then fun with the friends.  Thanks again for the comments and advice.  You guys are great.

Till next time.

On the phone call...and other nonsense

Ok, she called.  I was at Ham's place in Somerville.  She called pretty early.  Around 8.  Her reason that she didn't call last night was that she was at work till 10.  She explained why to me, I'm skeptical.  But she called I guess.  Here's the thing: I don't believe her.  She works at a retail store in Newbury St. as a store manager.  Who are you managing till 10PM?

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I have to say this: My brother is a bit of a pathological liar, so I've kind of come to a point in my life where it's hard to lie to me without me picking up on it.  Or I'm just paranoid.  Either way, as I said, I'm ignoring that at this point.

I called her back at 10 when I got home.  We made plans for tomorrow night.  I told her I was supposed to hang with some friends, so we're gonna have dinner and then meet up.  Yup, she has to meet my friends.  This should be interesting.

Princess B you bring up an interesting point.  But I don't really know how to change the type of girl that I'm going after.  I see someone.  I think they're attractive, thats the first step.  I go from there.  The problem is, in the last 5 months I'm pretty much 0 for 5 using that method.  I mean, I meet girls, go out with them and have fun, but none of them have been any more than that.  I guess the real question to be asked is why that is a problem?  I guess I'm young, and god knows I've had enough relationships to not HAVE to be in another one so quick.  I think I feel like it's more like a waste of time to just hang out and have sex with someone.  I'm interested to know more, about them and see if there's more to us.

Don't get me wrong, I've been with girls that were just that.  I mean sometimes there's nothing there, and, to use a horrible cliche, it is what it is.  If I knew that about my current situation I would probably be more ok with it.  Instead this one is somewhere in the middle.  I like the girl.  I think she likes me.  It's hard for it to be nothing when you see the person a few times a week.  That's the problem now.

The boss, she was a friend.  It didn't turn into more than that (regretfully in the end) because I treated it as what it was: a few times a month we would hook up.  That I can deal with.  It's this purgatory between casual hook up, and being something more that is making it so hard.

There's my rant for now.  Thanks all again for reading and commenting.

P.S. Where do I find a girl who ISN'T like this?  There's your question.

Important decisions, not to be rushed....

E finally did call me Tuesday night. Quite late. She’s either not good at returning calls, or was avoiding me for some reason, or was just out having fun with her friends. Either way this is the problem with how things are at this point: If I call her and don’t hear back, what exactly is it that is going through my head? I’ll tell you what, it isn’t good.

So she called Tuesday night at about 1130. I was in bed, mostly asleep since I’d been up since 430, but she asked if she could come and stay the night. Who am I to say no? We left in the morning together, and since there were a lot of people at the subway stop outside my apartment there was no kiss good bye. She has odd rules about PDA and when it is and is not acceptable, but a quick kiss good bye does not really qualify as PDA to me. Maybe I’m nuts.

Princess B and G your thoughts on the subject are much appreciated. I’ve consulted my closest friends about the situation and gotten conflicting answers. Becky, my best girl friend from the west coast, says I should no hook up with L. Her argument is whether or not this thing with E is going anywhere I should not out of respect. That’s all well and good, I say, but what if she’s out messing around and I’m sitting her doing nothing?
“Well, then you probably shouldn’t be with her anyway if that’s how it is.”
A very good point.

My buddy Ham says I should just hook up with L. His argument:
“Look, if she can’t commit that’s her problem. Why should you sit around and deny a hook up to a hot girl you’ve known longer if she can’t say she won’t do the same for you?”
Also a good point.

I wanted to talk to E last night about our situation, without getting too dramatic or heavy obviously. I called her on my way home from work (I was there late) to offer her a ride home from work as it was about the time she normally gets out. She didn’t answer. I left a message. She hasn’t returned my call.

I have to be honest; this is not helping to make the decision easy for me. Don’t return my calls and you’re immediately downgraded as far as I’m concerned. Especially when the immediate thoughts for reasons why you wouldn’t be returning my calls are…let’s just say not good ok?

So here I am. I have L waiting on me to tell her yes or no and E is essentially ignoring me for the time being. The whole situation sucks I have to say. Becky told me that it’s never easy. “I’m painfully aware,” I say, “But it really shouldn’t be THIS complicated should it?”

“No. Frankly I think you’re too nice of a guy to have to put up with this shit, but what do I know.”

Thanks Beck. I was really starting to doubt that. It’s interesting to note that it seems like the people who are more sociopathic and bigger douches have better luck with women, and seemingly better lives. Now, I’m not sure if this is because they just don’t give a shit, so no matter how bad their life is, it doesn’t bother them, but I have to say it definitely seems to me that women are more attracted to them for some reason. I was really hoping that at some point I, and the women that I was interested in, would get past the whole “dating assholes to get back at daddy” or whatever that phase is, but I guess I’m not there yet. At the same time, you end up with girls like E, who if it weren’t for all of the assholes she’s encountered in her life might be interested in more with me and might not be too fucked up to commit to a relationship with a nice guy that could be great.

Pseudo Final Thoughts on E for this post: I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t be with E if she wants to be seeing/sleeping with other guys. I don’t know if that counts as a “commitment” from her or what, but I know enough about myself to know that I need that. If she can’t give that to me, then I guess I’m kidding myself. So this is a conversation that needs to be had. Also, I’m still not positive about this weekend. It’s funny, something as simple as her calling me back last night would have made this decision a lot easier. But she didn’t, which to me means I’m not important enough for the 45 second phone call to say “Thanks for the offer, but I got your message too late.” I’m not sure if that is me being neurotic, or if it’s really true. Third party help on this would be and is always much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.