"You're thinking about this too much."
I am. I am thinking about this too much. It's been a month since we started seeing each other, and 3 weeks ago I told her that I had no problem taking it slow. Well taking it slow does not consist of me starting shit like this and asking her for, not so much commitment, as time. She doesn't owe me her time. She's not my girlfriend. Somewhere along the line I've lost sight of this fact and I've been trying to figure out where. I think I've realized. It's here.
When I blog about my relationship shit, not only do I think about it when I'm writing it, but when I read through it and re-read it. Because of this blog the last month feels like an eternity and I constantly have thoughts of her in my head, when what I should be thinking about is living my life and dealing with my issues. Instead the only issue I have in my head is E and the perceived slights toward me.
When I was with the boss I didn't really think a whole lot about it being anything other than the physical stuff, and that worked out great for 6 months. I think the end that the end of that situation did effect me, but why this much? Again, I have this horrible feeling that because I write, read and re-read these things and it puts these horrible thoughts in my head. I need to relax. And now it's PROBABLY too late with E...which isn't necessarily a bad thing based on what I'm getting from the folks in bloggy world and my friends as well.
So what conclusion have I reached? I don't know. I need to seriously think about how this blog is affecting me and how I view my life. I've never been the type to go remembering things over and over again and obsessing, but having it all written here facilitates that kind of behavior.
I don't want to stop blogging. Frankly I love it. I love to write, it's my outlet. But I need to seriously reconsider my material if it is going to contribute to me being different mentally in my everyday life.
What I've decided is this: I'm going to take a few days off from blogging. I might write another post before I go on vacation for the week next week, but in the meantime I'm going to write some fiction for myself. I've been thinking a lot about a screenplay, or a book. Honestly not with expectation that it will ever turn into anything, but more so I have an outlet. Some type of stress relief. If you're all interested in reading some of said fiction that I write, please let me know. Can't hurt to have some proof readers/critics.
I apologize to you all for this break. I know it seems out of the blue, but I need to see if it makes a difference. It may, it may not, but I need to try. Another thing that I'm seriously considering is some therapy. My mother sent me an email today. She saw me for roughly 10 minutes this weekend and could tell there was something wrong. Maybe it's a mom thing, or maybe I'm projecting my neurosis in a way that the outside world can see, which to me means I need to do something about it. After I told my mother the abridged version of the E story and all of the BS I've been dealing with at work she actually suggested that maybe I should go talk to someone. It is probably great advice.
Again, I'm so sorry, but I feel I need to do this because my life needs to change, and I truly believe that this will help. I will keep reading all of your blogs and commenting. I may post random rants on politics or economics or life in general, but for now I'm staying out of the female issues in my head.
Thank you all so much for reading and for your input. You've really become a second support group for me and I really really do appreciate it. If there's another bloggy meet up please let me know cuz I'd love to put some faces with names.
Signing off for now.