Blogging...Blessing or Curse

I talked to E last night.  It was not pretty.  It started out well enough, but then I told her I had to talk to her.  She called, and I proceeded to essentially make a fool out of myself.  I told her I was being honest, and I was, but the problem is not her it's me.  She said something telling

"You're thinking about this too much."

I am.  I am thinking about this too much.  It's been a month since we started seeing each other, and 3 weeks ago I told her that I had no problem taking it slow.  Well taking it slow does not consist of me starting shit like this and asking her for, not so much commitment, as time.  She doesn't owe me her time.  She's not my girlfriend.  Somewhere along the line I've lost sight of this fact and I've been trying to figure out where.  I think I've realized.  It's here.

When I blog about my relationship shit, not only do I think about it when I'm writing it, but when I read through it and re-read it.  Because of this blog the last month feels like an eternity and I constantly have thoughts of her in my head, when what I should be thinking about is living my life and dealing with my issues.  Instead the only issue I have in my head is E and the perceived slights toward me.

When I was with the boss I didn't really think a whole lot about it being anything other than the physical stuff, and that worked out great for 6 months.  I think the end that the end of that situation did effect me, but why this much?  Again, I have this horrible feeling that because I write, read and re-read these things and it puts these horrible thoughts in my head.  I need to relax.  And now it's PROBABLY too late with E...which isn't necessarily a bad thing based on what I'm getting from the folks in bloggy world and my friends as well.

So what conclusion have I reached?  I don't know.  I need to seriously think about how this blog is affecting me and how I view my life.  I've never been the type to go remembering things over and over again and obsessing, but having it all written here facilitates that kind of behavior.  

I don't want to stop blogging.  Frankly I love it.  I love to write, it's my outlet.  But I need to seriously reconsider my material if it is going to contribute to me being different mentally in my everyday life.

What I've decided is this:  I'm going to take a few days off from blogging.  I might write another post before I go on vacation for the week next week, but in the meantime I'm going to write some fiction for myself.  I've been thinking a lot about a screenplay, or a book.  Honestly not with expectation that it will ever turn into anything, but more so I have an outlet.  Some type of stress relief.  If you're all interested in reading some of said fiction that I write, please let me know.  Can't hurt to have some proof readers/critics.

I apologize to you all for this break.  I know it seems out of the blue, but I need to see if it makes a difference.  It may, it may not, but I need to try.  Another thing that I'm seriously considering is some therapy.  My mother sent me an email today.  She saw me for roughly 10 minutes this weekend and could tell there was something wrong.  Maybe it's a mom thing, or maybe I'm projecting my neurosis in a way that the outside world can see, which to me means I need to do something about it.  After I told my mother the abridged version of the E story and all of the BS I've been dealing with at work she actually suggested that maybe I should go talk to someone.  It is probably great advice.

Again, I'm so sorry, but I feel I need to do this because my life needs to change, and I truly believe that this will help.  I will keep reading all of your blogs and commenting.  I may post random rants on politics or economics or life in general, but for now I'm staying out of the female issues in my head.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your input.  You've really become a second support group for me and I really really do appreciate it.  If there's another bloggy meet up please let me know cuz I'd love to put some faces with names.

Signing off for now.

-Nick

Not a good audition...

Still no call.  She's not doing very well on her audition.  If I don't hear from her before 9 tonight I'm calling to see what the fuck is up.  If its over its over, but SHE could most certainly do me the courtesy of letting me know.

B, dating doesn't kind of suck.  Dating totally sucks.

All of my friends are telling me to run for the hills, and I can't tell you why I'm not.  Because I'm a rube.  Or something of the sort.  This sucks.

I really don't deserve it.  Or do I?

Epiphany?

So on my car trips to and from Gloucester this weekend I had some time to myself to reflect and think.  I also got to hang out with some close friends I haven't seen in a while, which helped to give me a little perspective.  Probably didn't hurt that I got pretty stoned, pretty much all weekend...which always leaves me feeling more laid back and ambivalent about my personal situation and the world in general.

The realization that I've come to is that I really need to chill the hell out with regard to this and any other relationships that I have with girls.  I need to just deal with the fact that what I have now with E may be all it ever is.  I need to understand that if this is all that it is going to be I can still have fun and enjoy myself.  And if it somehow becomes more, it becomes more.  If it doesn't then it doesn't.

Of course last night I went out in Harvard Square with some friends, and texted and called E to let her know that I was back in Boston in case she wanted to hang out.  She didn't call.  Of course.  And my new approach to not giving a shit hasn't quite kicked in yet, so needless to say I'm not happy about it.  I need to shift my entire attitude toward E and probably let her know about it.  Which will be hard if she never answers her phone or calls me back.

This sucks.  Someday maybe I'll find an attractive intelligent girl who likes me and is somewhat emotionally available.  As yet, no luck in that department.  I'm not desperate....yet.  But if I keep striking out like i have been, I'm sure I will get that way.

Sorry for the short post, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this.  PrincessB you mentioned therapy for E.  I don't know if she is or has or doesn't get any at all, but clearly she needs it.  I'd like to ask her, but I'm not sure if I should.  Speaking of therapy, I've been considering going and speaking to someone myself.  This blog is my therapy, and as helpful as it is, it isn't real help.  I've got insurance, might as well use it.

Revalation.....

E called Wednesday when I was on my way home from work. Unusual on her part to be so timely and forward, and as it turns out she needed to use my computer since hers was broken. I obliged and she came and we hung out while she posted to some job sites as her store is looking to hire. By the time she was done A-hole was home. She hung out for a while longer until another of my friends showed up and she realized that the guys were coming over to watch the baseball game.

"You're more than welcome to hang if you want, but you'll definitely be the only girl."
"No it's cool. I was thinking about meeting up with someone later anyway so I'll just do that."

She leaves. The guys and I drink some beers, have some pizza and watch playoff baseball. (Side Note: The difference between a real Red Sox fan and any other sports fan? Me. When they have a playoff game on the west coast, that starts at 10PM, I am so wound up by the time the game ends that I need to drink a 6 pack if I want to fall asleep within the next hour. And we're talkin 130AM here.)

At about 1030 I get a text from E that says her friend blew her off (karma?) I say I'm sorry that happened to her, and she is more than welcome to come back and watch the rest of the baseball game with us.

She responds 10 minutes later that perhaps she hasn't been blown off.
I respond, ok well, whatever. I'll be here. Let me know if you're coming over.

15 minutes later she texts again "I did get blown off."
I tell her to come over. She says sure, but I just ordered wings at the bar, so I'll be there after.
This is at approximately 1145. Around 120 the game ends and there's no news from E. I'm on my way to try to lay down and get some sleep, so I call. No answer. I send a text "What the hell happened?"

As I'm climbing into bed I'm pretty pissed off. I say fuck it, I'm calling one more time. If this girl doesn't answer I'm done. She picks up, clearly still at the bar.

"Hello?"
"Uuuum hi? Weren't you supposed to be coming to my house?"
"I think I'm just going to go to bed."
"Ok, how many times do you think you can blow me off before I tell you to go fuck yourself?"
"What?"
"I think you heard me."
"I didn't say I was coming over."
"Read your text messages." (Side note: she's clearly shit faced)
"I can't."
"Go outside of the bar so I don't have to yell for you to hear me. I need to talk to you."
"I can't leave. They won't let me back in."
"It's 130. If you don't leave that bar right now so I can talk to you don't bother calling me again."
"Ok. I'm coming over."

She comes to my house and I meet her outside. I show her the text message chain that led me to believe she was coming over. She gets it now.

"I'm sorry"
"I told you I can't deal with this. I asked you to do 2 things for me and this was one of them, and you can't do it."
"I'm sorry" She is literally stumbling drunk. I can't let her walk home alone like this so I bring her upstairs. We go out to the deck to have a butt.

"Am I wasting my time?"
"No. No."
"Well it really seems to my like I am. Look, I understand you keeping me at a distance because of the shit that has happened to you in your past, but ya know what? You need to decide if you want this to go any further because how it is now, it's not."
"I'm sorry. You've been nothing but the sweetest guy to me since the moment I met you. Quite frankly you're probably the best thing in my life right now."
"So why are you always pushing me away?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes. Obviously."
"When I was 20 I was raped by my boyfriend. And when I was younger my father was physically abusive to me and my brothers."

...What. The. Fuck. Again? You can NOT be serious!!??

So. I always kind of had an inkling that there was more to her aloofness than just cheating exes. But I didn't know what. And this does explain the "My head is too fucked up" comment from last weekend. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

My immediate reaction is rage. I want to find this piece of shit and cave in his skull with a 9-iron. But obviously my next emotion is compassion for this poor girl. She's fucked up from this shit. It's this shit that makes her the way she is. So I'm left with this. What do I do? Can she be changed? Can she ever trust me and open up to me? I mean, this obviously was a pretty big step, so maybe?

I told my friend Becky about it and her advice was to get out. She doesn't lack compassion for the situation, but she doesn't think I need this kind of relationship based on the last one I had with someone so emotionally unstable.

I was telling Ham the story, and got halfway through when he said, "Wait let me guess, she got raped." He was totally joking because he knew the Russian story too, but when I told him that she had indeed he was dumbfounded. "How the fuck do you do it man?"
"I wish I knew....so I could stop."
Ham and I have decided that the next couple of weeks will be very telling as far as whether or not I should continue this relationship. My thought is that if she starts to open up to me and trust me more then maybe there is something there. If not, I'll have my answer.

We hung out last night and I finally met one of her friends. It was a good time and the girl we hung out with seemed very nice. Her friend told me that E flakes out on her all the time so I shouldn't take it personally. I told her that doesn't make it ok. E went home instead of staying at my place, and I can't blame her because she had today off, and I obviously had to get up for work. I'm out of town all weekend.

Next week begins her grace period, for lack of a better term. Some serious steps need to be taken between the two of us in the next 15 days or this is going no where. I wonder if I should tell her that, or just see what happens.

I'm starting to feel like God is testing me. I was less than gracious with the last damaged soul He sent my way, but that was a completely different situation. I haven't been great with this one either, but had I known these things before last weekend things may have been different. I feel like this is a challenge, and I don't want to run away from it, but at the same time I can't escape the feeling of hopelessness that surrounds it. Its a battle in my head. I need a sailboat and some time to be alone and reflect, unfortunately I don't have that luxury.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your comments. It's good to have some perspective.

Till next time.