Edit: I'm a Lying Asshole...

But allow me to explain...

Friday night E and I went to dinner in Kenmore Square.  We had fun, as we always do, and ate good food, drank good wine and had good conversation.  All the while I had to play cruise director for my friends who on this night weren't even capable of thinking of a place to go to dinner.  So needless to say I receive and send a few texts during dinner.  Normally I wouldn't but I was pretty much responsible for this night, so I had to make sure everyone was taken care of.

"Are you just gonna text people all night, or are you actually going to talk to me?"

Whoa?!  Were did that come from?

"Um, I'm sorry...sometimes with my friends I have to play cruise director to make sure everything goes off right.  But I'm talking."

"Eh, you're just getting too comfortable with me."

Clearly her read of me is approximately as inaccurate as my read of her.

"HA!  That could not be FARTHER from the truth!"

"Really?  You're not comfortable with me?"

"Ummm...sometimes, but honestly, most of the time, no.  Not at all."

"Why?"

"Umm, well.  I guess I feel like I'm still at the stage where I could call you and you'd just decide to stop answering your phone."

"I would answer my phone." She says with a little smile.

Doesn't exactly put my mind at ease.  

So we finish dinner and meet up with Ham and Cheese and my a-hole roommate who decided to tag along.  Head to Bukowski on Boylston for a few beers and I call my other friend who it turns out has wound up downtown.  He was at Gypsy Bar. I texted "Wanna know how I know you're gay?  Because you're at Gypsy Bar. 

 Homo!"

He texted that he and his gf and her two friends were headed down to Boylston momentarily.  We headed across the street to Whiskeys to grab some scotch since they don't serve it at Bukowski (at least that I know of).  We find some stools at the bar and hang out drinking, talking and taking the occasional smoke break.

All the while E is great.  She's sociable.  Talking to Cheese, and Ham.  Not so much the roommate, but who could blame her.  He's an ass.  My other friends finally show up to Whiskeys and we all chill and talk about how drunk we are and the adventure that put us in such a state.  All of the sudden E is really drunk and wants to go.  So we go.  Of course A-hole comes with us because he's too cheap to get a cab home alone, even though he's single and there was more tail running around Whiskeys at last call than you can shake a stick at.  But I digress.

All the way home A-hole (as my roommate will be known from here on out) is talking shit.  I know such and such.  I have such and such money.  I can get tickets to this and that.  All bullshit.  All of it.  Finally I get fed up with the bullshit he's spouting trying to impress the girl who's clearly with me and wants nothing to do with him, that I lean over to her and start calling him out on his bullshit with whispers in her ear.

"I know a guy who has so much money that...."

"PSST!  Thats a lie."

"Then one time we were like on the field at Fenway...."

"ALSO a lie."

She turns to me with the "Why would he do that?" face.

All I can do is shrug and put my palms skyward.

I get out at an ATM to grab cash, because despite all of the money that A-hole claims to have, he's a cheap prick.  I'm literally not in the ATM for more than 15 seconds than E comes in behind me.

"What is his problem?"

"I don't know.  I guess he's trying to impress you, but he's really full of shit."

"Why is he trying to impress me?"

"No idea.  Maybe he thinks if he's rich enough, cool enough and knows enough famous people you'll sleep with him instead of me?"

She burst into laughter.

We get to my place and go to bed.  Before anything starts I tell her that I want to see her tomorrow.  She says "I have plans with some friends."

"So what?  You met my friends, I think I can handle yours.  I get along pretty good with most people."

"Ok I'll call."

So, we sleep together.  She leaves the next morning a semi early to get to work.  I sleep.  Late.  Golf got rained out, obviously.  It's ok though.  I need to not spend $120 on a round of golf.  Its for the better.

The day goes by.  I hang with my friend K and watch some college football.  Ham calls and says he's meeting some friends in Harvard Square and I should come.  I tell him I'm waiting for E to call but that I will give him a shout later on.  So again, I've blown off people, and fun to wait for E.

At 930 I get a call from L.  She is 20 mins from Boston and on her way to meet up with the same friends in Harvard Square and wanted to know if it was OK that she could park by my place and we could maybe split a cab.

This is it.  This is the moment of truth.  I gave up the night for E.  I tried to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't even have the OPTION of hooking up with L.  In fact, I didn't even know she was coming into town until this phone call.  And what did E do?  She pretty much blew me off.  Now what would you do?  Say no to going out with this beautiful girl that wants to sleep with you, or sit at home waiting for a call from E that may or may not come.

"Sure, you know my place right?  There are two hour spots all over the place."

The die is cast.  Can't turn back now, I tell myself.

We go to Harvard Square and meet up with Ham and Cheese and a few other people at Tommy Doyles, move to Grendels and then L, myself, Ham and Cheese decide we're going back to their place in Somerville for scotch and other such night caps.

Ham and Cheese have a guest room.  So, there it happened.  Here is what I have to say: I honestly feel more chemistry with L than with E.  I won't say the sex is better, just deeper in an emotional sense.  Maybe that's just because I've been sleeping with E so much lately, but I don't know.  Also, importantly, afterward L wanted to be held, and touched and kissed.  E doesn't NOT want those things, she just doesn't seem as into them.

I wake up the next morning and head home.  L comes, as her car is there.  I burn her a few CD's and she is off back to Hartford.  I notice a missed call on my phone from E at 1230 AM.  Great, so you went out with your friends, got drunk and wanted to come over for a fuck.  Spectacular.

Yesterday E called as soon as I was out of work.  I was still on the train as a matter of fact.

"I totally spaced on calling you Saturday."

"Seems to be a theme with you."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Folding and putting away my laundry.  What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm not really doing anything.  I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?"

sigh........

"Sure.  I'll be here.  Give me a call."

Two and a half hours later "Hi, I got caught up with my roommates.  I'm on my way over now."

"Oook."

She came over, we watched a movie and started to fool around.  I stopped her.

"Lets go smoke a butt.  I need to talk to you."

"Ok."

We go to my deck.  And this is where I lie.

"So, I told you I'm not comfortable, and yesterday is why.  You were supposed to call me and you never did."

"I.."

"Let me finish.  I was also put in a moral dilemma this week.  I got a call from a friend in CT who I've hooked up with a few times who wanted to come visit me in Boston.  I told her no.  Because of you.  (LIE LIE LIE LIE:  In my defense read above.  Also in my defense, I wanted to have this conversation a LONG time ago, but was never given the chance by her.  I know.  I'm justifying things in my head.  But this is really how I saw/see it.)  And then you blow me off and I'm left to think "Hmm.  Here I am turning down the chance to hook up when the girl that I'm doing it for doesn't even call me when she says she's going to, and for all I know could be out sleeping with every guy she knows.'  So I ask you, would you do the same for me?"

Thought, no answer.  Then she speaks.

"Listen, I told you about my past..."

"I don't care.  I'm not asking about your past, I'm asking about now.  I need to know the truth."

"I've pretty much only been with you."

"First of all, pretty much doesn't cut it.  Second, what you have or have not done is less important to me than what you want to do."

"Well, as far as me and all of my friends are concerned you are the only one I'm seeing.  You're the first person I call when I have free time (LIE LIE LIE) and I really enjoy spending time with you."

Ok, what the hell is that answer?  As far as me and all of my friends?  And I clearly know for a FACT that I'm not the person you call when you get free time.

"Is that the truth?"

"Yes.  It is."

She gets silent.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"I...I can't say."

"Why?"

"Because my head is fucked up and I don't want you to hear about it yet."

"Believe me I've heard it all.  What is going on in your head is not going to scare me."

"I...It's just too soon."

I didn't push it.  I should have.  I don't know why I didn't.  I guess it all felt a bit hypocritical given the circumstances.  We went back to bed and she asked "So who is this girl?"

"Oh just a friend I've known for a while.  We started hooking up when I broke up with my ex."

E left with me this morning.  I forced her to kiss me at the subway stop.

Things aren't looking good.  Becky says I should run away, and I'm not sure she's wrong.  Here's the most optimistic analysis I can give at this point:  She's fucked up from her past.  She is keeping me at a distance so as not to get hurt.  The irony being that is exactly what put me in a position to hurt her.  I want to believe that at some point she could trust me and let me in.  But who knows.  Christ I have never met a single one of her friends yet, and I've never been in her apartment.  Clearly something is amiss.

So there I am.  I've never cheated before in my life.  Ever.  I'm not sure this counts, but either way I don't feel good about it.  I'm now struggling with where I go from here.  It sucks.  I really don't know what the hell to do.

I'm an asshole...

I guess it seems fitting that my 100th post is a turning point in my life to some extent.

I slept with L this weekend.  It's my fault, and I shouldn't have done it, but I did.  And I will tell you why.  But right now I need to call E back and figure out what I'm going to do about that.....

Just as an....anniversary I guess? for my 100th post I would sincerely like to thank all of you who read.  And though I haven't exactly stuck to the mission statement I made when I started this blog, I think that what I have done has been open and honest about myself and my life to an extent that I have yet to be able to reach in my everyday life.

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting.  It does not go unappreciated.

Quick post, pre-date

Just wanna really quickly address some comments because you guys have been great about reading and giving advice.

Lynn, I know where you're coming from.  Since I'm the veteran of a few long term relationships I do know what it's like to find that person that you're smitten with.  I also know what it's like to find a person that grows on you.  The girl I dated for 6 years I was madly in love with nearly from the day I met her.  She was beautiful, smart and wonderful.  I spent some of the best and happiest years of my life with her and honestly, had I met her 5 or 10 years later in my life would have married her, but that is a story for another post.

The girl I dated for 2+ years it wasn't that quick.  She was beautiful and fun, but what endeared me to her was seemingly her relaxed laid back attitude (which turned out to be a total misrepresentation) and easy to like personality.  After seeing her a few times I wanted more.  Fortunately so did she, so it worked out.

I guess the issue with E is that nothing is that clear cut.  It's like, I COULD be into having more with her, and she seems really cool and fun but there's this cloud of uncertainty hanging over everything.  And it's not necessarily about her.  I mean, to some extent it is in that it is her issue with commitment that is making me uneasy, but at the same time if I were a different person I would be able to just deal with that.

G, I do not take offense to your post at all, and I appreciate your honesty.  This is what this blog is about.  I want unfettered unedited thoughts and ideas from anyone who posts here.  With that said, let me try to address some of the things that you wrote.

First off, I am generally pessimistic of people as a whole.  In my experience the vast majority of the population is not to be trusted.  I guess trusted is not the right word.  They just aren't up to snuff I guess, though perhaps I have standards that are too high.

Yes, I do want someone who is open and honest.  I give that to people, and I expect it back.  I personally don't think that is too much to ask.  If you don't want to tell me your deepest darkest secret, thats fine, but as it pertains to me and my relationship with you, honesty is of paramount importance to me personally.  It just makes everything so much easier, and it heads off those miscommunications or misunderstandings that lead to drama.

Take the boss for instance.  Had the two of us been honest and open with each other at the time, things could have ended up very differently.  Or the girl I was in the 2+ year relationship with: If I knew from the beginning that she had OCD, anxiety and was the complete opposite of laid back, I PROBABLY wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her.  These are the reasons that I value honesty and openness in myself and the people I surround myself with.  With that said, none of my friends know about this blog, so I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

I've asked if E could be honest with me, and told her that honesty was the one and only expectation that I had of her.  Right now I'm trying to believe that I'm being given that, but it's hard sometimes.  Why?  Well this all stems from the conversation a few nights ago about commitment and monogamy.  Her attitude toward it is unsettling to me.  In the end, I can either deal with it, or not, but for the time being it puts doubts in my mind for a number of reasons.  First and foremost, is she out sleeping with other people and telling me she's at work till 10?  Second, I really don't have a good bead on what exactly it is she meant by all of that.  I mean, maybe she said it as a point to make sure I know how fucked over she's gotten in the past, hoping it would make a difference to me.  Or maybe she really means that she doesn't have any intention of not sleeping with other people because she just assumes I'd be doing the same thing.  In which case what am I left with?

That is the issue now, and why I feel as though I need clarification.  As in, am I completely wasting my time here?  Should I be treating this as a hook up and nothing more?  Someone saying they don't want to rush into a relationship doesn't exactly count as fuck buddy talk, but it also doesn't exclude that possibility.

The final point I would like to make is that you are totally right in your last point.  If someone doesn't live up to my standards I do start thinking about getting out.  But why shouldn't I?  Why should I stay with someone and forgo other things in my life when they aren't what I'm looking for?  The problem is, I'm unclear at this point whether or not E is what I'm looking for, and that, in the end, is what I need to figure out.

On my way to get E and head out.  Dinner then fun with the friends.  Thanks again for the comments and advice.  You guys are great.

Till next time.

On the phone call...and other nonsense

Ok, she called.  I was at Ham's place in Somerville.  She called pretty early.  Around 8.  Her reason that she didn't call last night was that she was at work till 10.  She explained why to me, I'm skeptical.  But she called I guess.  Here's the thing: I don't believe her.  She works at a retail store in Newbury St. as a store manager.  Who are you managing till 10PM?

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I have to say this: My brother is a bit of a pathological liar, so I've kind of come to a point in my life where it's hard to lie to me without me picking up on it.  Or I'm just paranoid.  Either way, as I said, I'm ignoring that at this point.

I called her back at 10 when I got home.  We made plans for tomorrow night.  I told her I was supposed to hang with some friends, so we're gonna have dinner and then meet up.  Yup, she has to meet my friends.  This should be interesting.

Princess B you bring up an interesting point.  But I don't really know how to change the type of girl that I'm going after.  I see someone.  I think they're attractive, thats the first step.  I go from there.  The problem is, in the last 5 months I'm pretty much 0 for 5 using that method.  I mean, I meet girls, go out with them and have fun, but none of them have been any more than that.  I guess the real question to be asked is why that is a problem?  I guess I'm young, and god knows I've had enough relationships to not HAVE to be in another one so quick.  I think I feel like it's more like a waste of time to just hang out and have sex with someone.  I'm interested to know more, about them and see if there's more to us.

Don't get me wrong, I've been with girls that were just that.  I mean sometimes there's nothing there, and, to use a horrible cliche, it is what it is.  If I knew that about my current situation I would probably be more ok with it.  Instead this one is somewhere in the middle.  I like the girl.  I think she likes me.  It's hard for it to be nothing when you see the person a few times a week.  That's the problem now.

The boss, she was a friend.  It didn't turn into more than that (regretfully in the end) because I treated it as what it was: a few times a month we would hook up.  That I can deal with.  It's this purgatory between casual hook up, and being something more that is making it so hard.

There's my rant for now.  Thanks all again for reading and commenting.

P.S. Where do I find a girl who ISN'T like this?  There's your question.

Important decisions, not to be rushed....

E finally did call me Tuesday night. Quite late. She’s either not good at returning calls, or was avoiding me for some reason, or was just out having fun with her friends. Either way this is the problem with how things are at this point: If I call her and don’t hear back, what exactly is it that is going through my head? I’ll tell you what, it isn’t good.

So she called Tuesday night at about 1130. I was in bed, mostly asleep since I’d been up since 430, but she asked if she could come and stay the night. Who am I to say no? We left in the morning together, and since there were a lot of people at the subway stop outside my apartment there was no kiss good bye. She has odd rules about PDA and when it is and is not acceptable, but a quick kiss good bye does not really qualify as PDA to me. Maybe I’m nuts.

Princess B and G your thoughts on the subject are much appreciated. I’ve consulted my closest friends about the situation and gotten conflicting answers. Becky, my best girl friend from the west coast, says I should no hook up with L. Her argument is whether or not this thing with E is going anywhere I should not out of respect. That’s all well and good, I say, but what if she’s out messing around and I’m sitting her doing nothing?
“Well, then you probably shouldn’t be with her anyway if that’s how it is.”
A very good point.

My buddy Ham says I should just hook up with L. His argument:
“Look, if she can’t commit that’s her problem. Why should you sit around and deny a hook up to a hot girl you’ve known longer if she can’t say she won’t do the same for you?”
Also a good point.

I wanted to talk to E last night about our situation, without getting too dramatic or heavy obviously. I called her on my way home from work (I was there late) to offer her a ride home from work as it was about the time she normally gets out. She didn’t answer. I left a message. She hasn’t returned my call.

I have to be honest; this is not helping to make the decision easy for me. Don’t return my calls and you’re immediately downgraded as far as I’m concerned. Especially when the immediate thoughts for reasons why you wouldn’t be returning my calls are…let’s just say not good ok?

So here I am. I have L waiting on me to tell her yes or no and E is essentially ignoring me for the time being. The whole situation sucks I have to say. Becky told me that it’s never easy. “I’m painfully aware,” I say, “But it really shouldn’t be THIS complicated should it?”

“No. Frankly I think you’re too nice of a guy to have to put up with this shit, but what do I know.”

Thanks Beck. I was really starting to doubt that. It’s interesting to note that it seems like the people who are more sociopathic and bigger douches have better luck with women, and seemingly better lives. Now, I’m not sure if this is because they just don’t give a shit, so no matter how bad their life is, it doesn’t bother them, but I have to say it definitely seems to me that women are more attracted to them for some reason. I was really hoping that at some point I, and the women that I was interested in, would get past the whole “dating assholes to get back at daddy” or whatever that phase is, but I guess I’m not there yet. At the same time, you end up with girls like E, who if it weren’t for all of the assholes she’s encountered in her life might be interested in more with me and might not be too fucked up to commit to a relationship with a nice guy that could be great.

Pseudo Final Thoughts on E for this post: I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t be with E if she wants to be seeing/sleeping with other guys. I don’t know if that counts as a “commitment” from her or what, but I know enough about myself to know that I need that. If she can’t give that to me, then I guess I’m kidding myself. So this is a conversation that needs to be had. Also, I’m still not positive about this weekend. It’s funny, something as simple as her calling me back last night would have made this decision a lot easier. But she didn’t, which to me means I’m not important enough for the 45 second phone call to say “Thanks for the offer, but I got your message too late.” I’m not sure if that is me being neurotic, or if it’s really true. Third party help on this would be and is always much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.

Baggage...Big Time....

It's been a while since I've posted, and I apologize.  But on the bright side I've got plenty of material to write about today.  I'm going to start where I left off.

Last Wednesday E and I went to the Legal Test Kitchen in South Boston for her birthday. (which is actually today)  We had some great food and wine, and a really good time.  We have no problem finding things to talk about and there is never awkward silence.  When dinner was over E suggested we grab a bottle of wine, head back to my place and watch stupid videos on youtube.  It was a great idea.  When we got to the car I gave her the books I got for a gift.  She was amazingly excited and told me she absolutely loved them

"Well, they're two of my favorite books, so I hope you enjoy them."

She kissed me, we got a bottle of wine and we spent an hour or so drinking wine and watching ridiculousness at my apartment.  She stayed the night, and we both left the next morning.  I told her I'd call.

After work, I was beat.  I sat on my couch and started watching the Red Sox game and remembered I was supposed to call E.  I got her on the phone and asked her what was up.  She said she had just put in a load of laundry and was planning on packing for her trip to NYC.  I said, "Aw that's too bad.  I was gonna invite you over to watch a movie."

"I can come over and watch a movie.  It's gonna take a while for my laundry to be done anyway."

We watched Outside Providence, one of my, and apparently her, all time favorite movies.  After the movie was over I kissed her because I figured she had to go.  She got the "I've gotta tell you something heavy." look on her face.  I asked what was up.

"So, you're gonna be mad at me.  I think I might have to stay with my ex for a night in NYC."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know.  Aren't you jealous?"

"Should I be?  Are you gonna fuck him or something?"

"No, we're just friends.  But guys get mad about that kind of stuff."

"Well, I already told you I don't play jealous boyfriend, so.  Yeah.  Not mad.  Would I rather if you WEREN'T staying with your ex?  Sure, but its your life."

"Ok.  Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me.  Just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That narrows it down." she says.

"Well, I don't sleep with guys, so, there ya go."

She laughed and left with a smile on her face.  I told her to call as soon as she was back in town.

The weekend was a bit of a haze.  I spent Friday night with the friend who was at the bar with me when I met E, his girlfriend, her roommate (who is very very good looking) and their German friend who wasn't bad to look at either.

I played golf Saturday and my friend and I almost got in a fight with some douche on the golf course.  Saturday night I went to a cocktail party for a friend who just got over leukemia.  She wanted people to be dressed up, so I got myself together.  I wore a white shirt with vertical black stripes, a black tie with jeans that were nearly black (DARK wash.  Not black.  Thats hillbilly/hardcore.  neither is me) and black shoes.  Kind of emo looking, but not really because I don't wear tight jeans, just jeans that fit.  Quite frankly, I looked damn good if I do say so myself.  Needless to say I got shit for it from my guy friends who were wearing suit pants and blue shirts with lame yellow ties.  They were just jealous.  I grabbed my friend who's party it was and asked her if I looked ok.  "Oh I LOVE that.  Are you kidding?  You look great!"

I just smiled at my friends.  No need to rub it in.  We had many drinks that night and I woke up with a pretty bad hangover the next morning.

Watched the Pats get killed, and then went and played more golf.  E called at about 830.  She was at the Port Authority in NYC getting her ticket home.  She said she had a great weekend, and I told her I wanted her to tell me all about it.  We spoke for a while, and I told her to call me when she was in town.  "Well, if I'm in town at a decent hour tonight do you want me to call?"

"Sweetheart, its 9 and you haven't even gotten on a bus.  You won't be home till 1.  Call me tomorrow."

"Ok.  I'll talk to you soon."

Monday night I was planning to head down to Hartford for work Tuesday morning.  I stumbled into some Red Sox tickets in the State Street Pavilion that made a 5AM drive to Hartford this morning seem like a swell idea.  I called E.  "Awwww.  I wanna go to a Red Sox game!  I've been living in Boston for 7 years and I've never been!"

"If you stick around, I promise I'll get you to a Red Sox game.  I'll call you later."

The Sox lost.  That sucked.  I decided to walk a few blocks toward home to avoid the sardine can that is the Green Line after a baseball game.  On the way I called E.

"Hey beautiful.  Whatcha doin?"

"I just got out of the shower."

We talked for a bit as I walked home, and agreed that I'd call when I got to my place and she'd come over, even though I had to wake up at 430.  She came over, and we went straight to my room.  She got a phone call.  Whoever it was she told them she was at home.  Ummm...SKETCHY!

"How come you're lying to that boy?"  I ask.

She shuffles out and finishes her conversation, comes back and tells me that it was her friend's boyfriend John.

"Oh yeah?  How come you told him you were home and not here?"

"Because he doesn't need to know everything about my life."

I left it at that.  I knew she was lying.

We got in bed and umm...had some fun.  Half way through round two she kind of stops sort of abruptly and says she needs to go the bathroom.  I knew something was wrong, and asked her on her way out the door.  "Nothing."

On her way in she said "I lied to you."

"I know."

"That wasn't my friend's boyfriend.  That was this guy I used to hook up with."

"Uhu.  And he's drunk and wants a booty call."

"Well, no.  Yes."

"Ok, listen.  I don't ask for much.  Just honesty.  You're not still sleeping with him right?"

"No.  No not at all."

"Are you telling the truth?"

"Yes.  I haven't slept with anyone since we started seeing each other.  Have you?"

"No.  I haven't"

By this time she was back in bed with me.  She started to explain the whole situation she "used" to have with this guy.  I stopped her.

"Listen, what you've done in your past is none of my business, and none of my concern.  All I care about is you being honest with me in what you're doing now.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  I'm not asking you to do, or not do anything.  I just want to know so I can decide whether I want to deal with it based on the actual information."

"Ok."

"Could you ever be with just me?" I asked.  (Yup, that's hanging one out there.  Seemed like a good time.)

"I think so.  Could you ever be with just me?"

"Well, yeah.  I mean, I need to know more of you before I can promise you anything, but I think based on the fact that 8 of the last 10 years I've been in monogamous relationships and never cheated on anyone, I don't think I'd have a problem."

"Oh....I don't know about monogamy anymore.  I don't think guys can do it so I don't know why I should."  This opened some stuff up.  I could tell this hit something deep.  Here's the story:

She had a boyfriend in college for a number of years.  He cheated on her.  (Fucking scum bag.  I hate these people)  After that, she hung out with a friend of the now ex boyfriend who cheated on her, and had a casual relationship, because needless to say she was fucked up from the guy she loved fucking around on her.  The new guy spent a year or so convincing her that he was not like that, she finally gave him her trust, at which point.....HE FUCKING CHEATED ON HER!!!!  

"I held out for so long.  I didn't want to trust him for SO LONG.  And then as soon as I did he fucked me over!"

She is in tears at this point.  I'm...I'm a combination of enraged, and so sad for this poor girl that all I can do is hold her in my arms and tell her that I am sorry as I wipe tears from her face.

"I have to go outside and smoke"  she says.

"Hold on."  I turn over and look her in the eyes.

"Listen to me.  I'm sure this means nothing now, but maybe some day it will.  Right now I can't promise you anything.  I can't promise this is going anywhere, because I don't know.  But I can promise you this with my heart and soul.  If you and I are with each other, I will never cheat on you.  Ever.  I dated a girl for 2 and a half years, the last six months of which I could not STAND her, and cheating on her never entered my mind.  I would never do that to anyone.  That is horrible, and I'm so so sorry this has happened to you."

"I can't believe I'm crying in front of you.  This is way too soon."

"No it's not.  You're not scaring me away.  Listen to me.  The only way you'll scare me away right now is if you tell me that you can never trust me and that I'm wasting my time.  But I don't think you believe that."

"I just don't know."

"I know you don't, and I'm not asking you for anything like that now.  But if it's impossible, please let me know as soon as you do."

"Ok."

"Do you think you could ever be with just me?"

"I think so.  But I need time."

"I know."

She went outside to smoke and fell asleep in my arms.  We left early this morning because I had to go to Hartford.  Turns out a friend of hers (she claims a girl) got her a ticket to tonight's Red Sox game.  Her curse is broken.  I'm gonna text and say "have a good time, call me later."  Probably asking for rejection, but I gotta try, and here's why.

L called me when I was at the game last night.  She said she might be coming to Boston this weekend.  You know what this means.  Now, normally I'd say, E and I are not anything.  We don't owe each other anything, and she has not committed to me that she will not be fucking around on the side.  In a normal situation I would just do whatever without a thought, but this is different.  If this girl sees that I've fucked around on her, it might kill her.  Or it might not, since we haven't really promised anything to each other as far as this goes.  I need to find out where we stand before I can say anything to L.

Aye.  This is the drama that is my life.  Comments and suggestions are not only welcomed, I'm quite frankly dying for them.  I don't know how to handle this.  Nothing is ever easy, but I feel like the best thing I can do is be honest with her.  But how do I do that?  "Hey, this girl I've slept with a few times wants to come to Boston this weekend, and I need to know if you're going to be fucking around, because if you are...Umm, we might sleep together."  ???  I have a pretty good idea how that would go over.  But I don't know what else to do.

HEEELP!

Till next time.

(Randomness to the Nth degree:  I have been seriously considering writing something other than this blog.  I love to write, and I think I could adapt some of the real life BS I've dealt with into something good, but I don't know what.  I don't think I could write a book.  I'm thinking a play.  Or a screen play.  I'll keep you posted.)

The Random Entry O'Goodies

First off, addressing some comments.

Princess, you are amazing.  I love that you even read my blog, let alone all of the comments you always leave.  Thanks a bunch.  You're great for my bloggy ego.

Voiceinmyhead:  It's not a girl thing.  To me none of the laps were particularly important.  The race really wasn't at all why I was there.  It was about the experience.

Speaking of the race, I found this pic of the fight in the pits AFTER the race on ESPN.com.  Classic.

Also, in E news (not entertainment, the person) I called her Monday night and spent an hour or so on the phone talking about anything and everything.  It was refreshing, and has really put my mind at ease.  We're going out to dinner tonight for an early birthday thing for her as she will be in NYC all weekend with her friends celebrating.  I got her some books (Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut and The Life of Pi by Yan Martel if you must know), and a blank card that I am trying to think of something good to write in.  Now, generally books=lame present.  But there is thought behind this, as if I didn't see her book on the bar the night we met, I never would have spoken to her in the first place.  These are the things I think of when buying gifts.

In other news, my roommate brought home a girl Sunday night.  She was in the apartment for 5 minutes and didn't say anything really....turns out they spent the day at IKEA.  Nice work on the first date bud....real Don Juan of you.  All I've gotten from him on the subject is "Her family is loaded and she's kind of smart.  She's not bad to look at either."  He didn't sense my sarcasm when I responded "Well at least you have your priorities in the right place...."  If this girl can stand him for more than 5 dates then she's is losing big time points in my scorebook.

Now for some random links I've been building up for the last few weeks:

This story really surprised me.  Not because Megan Fox was all hot on a female stripper.  That to me is kind of par for the course in this day and age.  Mostly because she's engaged to Brian Austin Green.  Are you fucking kidding me Megan Fox?  David from 90210?  We'll see her in a tabloid for some Britney like behavior in the near future.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Think drilling for oil off shore is the solution to our energy problems?  Well, you're wrong.  Does everyone get it now?  More oil isn't going to help.  What WILL work is if we don't need so much.

Maybe this explains my problems with women?  Maybe not.  Who knows.

I really have a local bias toward art and music, but wherever you're from you can definitely appreciate this video.  Amazing.

The best part of this video is that Colbert is shitting on him the whole time and he seems like he doesn't even get it.

Can we all tell that I hate Bill O'Reilley yet? Like, despise him more than anyone else on the planet? Well, I do. Ok Bill, let's call a war veteran unpatriotic. People will buy that. Oh wait! They do?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Oh, right. They're the people who won't fund stem cell research....no matter what miracles they could perform.

I absolutely LOVE this guys photography. I'm not sure what it is. I love the richness of color in the the photos the have it, and the overall composition of nearly every one.

And on that note, I will bid adiue. Thanks again for reading and commenting. All the best.

Why everyone should go to at least 1 NASCAR race in their life.

Let us pick up where we left off shall we?

I'm awakened by my cousin standing next to my bed saying "Dude, wake up, we're gonna miss the race!"  This is the same cousin who was out drinking with me till 3 AM.  I shouldn't say drinking with me, because he abstained, but he knew how much I drank and thought it was pretty damn funny that he was waking me up at 7 AM.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me dude.  I'm still drunk.  At least let me get a shower.  Go get the grill out of the garage I'll be right out."

I shower, dress in the most hillbilly thing I have (jeans and a shirt that says "After partying all night, Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, Chuck throws down."  It was a gift, but I thought it appropriate given my current state of affairs.) and walk outside just as he's getting the grill into the bed of his truck.  He has a cooler full of meat and potato salad, I grabbed the 30 of Bud out of the trunk of the Audi and tossed it in.

"I need coffee" I say.

"We need ice."

"To the Mobil Mart!"  I shout with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

We stop at the Mobil Mart where another cousin is working (this cousin's brother) and stock up on ice, water, iced coffee from the D&D thats in the store, and a 12 pack of Cokes. (Note: when there is a long day of drinking in your future a caffeinated beverage of some kind is absolutely essential to keep you going.)

We hit the road and I plug my iPod into the truck stereo.  If I'm sitting in a diesel pick-up for a 2 and a half hour ride into NH at 7AM on a Saturday I am sure as shit going to be playing DJ.  We shoot the shit on the way up about girls, life, family etc. and arrive at the track a little past 930.  Let's see if I can describe this for you.

Imagine the biggest parking lot you've ever seen.  Now take that parking lot and put another right behind it, except a little higher on a hill.  Do the same again...and again...and again.  Fill every odd parking lot with RV's, pop up campers and those crazy tour bus type things and you're getting what I saw when we first turned off the highway.  No put a road in the middle of all of these parking lots that goes up the hill, and when you get to the top imagine 10 of the biggest parking lots you've ever seen all as one GIANT parking lot with scores of teenagers in red vests with lights (yes, its morning, no need for lights) directing you where to park.  And we're just talking about the parking lot here.

We park, and my cousin goes to get tickets.  A guy pulls up on one side of us in a brand new 3 series BMW with his son in the passenger seat.  He is not going to be fun.  He's less hillbilly than I am, and I'm about the 10th or 11th least hillbilly person this side of NYC.  I look across the lane and see the people I'm looking for.  Four thirty something guys and their wives/girlfriends, a tent, GIANT grill, and flag poles waving their favorite drivers number 30 feet above their Ford F-150.  Those people will be getting rowdy.  This is what I'm looking for.

I hop into the bed of the truck, grab a Bud out of the cooler and light the grill.  "It looks like it's beer o'clock."  Shouts one of the guys at the F-150 as I crack the Bud.   Good stuff. (Note: I'm not sure if there's rules about this or not, but I figured bringing an American beer was a good idea.  I don't think anyone drives the Heinekin car in NASCAR, so despite my penchant for foreign beer I restrained myself.)  

I go through the meat and the cooler and find some marinated sirloin tips.  It's 945 AM and I'm drinking a Budweiser and grilling steak in the bed of a pick-up truck in the middle of the biggest parking lot I've ever seen in the morning sun.  This is why I'm here.  

I look to my left and see the stands and the front straight away and a few cars whizzing by on the track.  My cousin comes back with the tickets and says we gotta hurry so we can see the car that he used to work on in the early race.  I tell him once the steak is done and we eat, we can leave, but I need a base if I'm gonna be drinking all day.  Even if it is steak at 10AM.

We eat and I finish 4 or so beers at the truck.  I tell my cousin to stand on his roof and he'll be able to see the race, but he does one better.  Apparently there is a radio station that has what amounts to minor league car racing on it.  We heard that his friend won the race, and my first thought is "Yes, we get to party with the winners tonight!"  I tell my cousin to make sure we call him before we leave.  

We eat, finish up and I pack the travel cooler.  Now, a lot of people don't know this, but at a NASCAR race you can bring as much beer as you want into the race with you, as long as it is in a can, and your cooler isn't bigger than 14"x14"x14".  This spells trouble for me, but I load the cooler with about a dozen buds, six or so cokes, two bags of chips and ice.  We walk through the parking lot to the gate.

"Got a bit of everything in here huh?" Says the guy checking my cooler.

"Sure do."

We go inside and find seats on the front straight away.

My cousin asks me why I dressed up.  "What the fuck are you talking about?  I'm wearing jeans and a Chuck Norris t-shirt?"

I look around and notice that my cousin and I are among the minority that are actually still wearing shirts.  It was 1015 in the morning and I was surrounded by shirtless beer bellied hillbillies and their hillbilly wives.  Now, one would think that if you get fifty thousand people or so in a small enough area there would be a fair amount of attractive young ladies.  Well, you would be wrong.  Nothing.  I was dumbfounded.  But I guess you can understand why you girls wouldn't want to be surrounded by shirtless old hillbillies.

I drank all day.  Yelled at shit I had no idea what meant.  Watched a fight in the pits, watched a number of fiery crashes and saw all kinds of redneckery in the stands.  It was pretty great.  The sun was out and the races were entertaining.  

There were 3 races and we were inside the track for a long while.  But it didn't matter, because when I ran out of beer, I took the cooler, left, refilled it and came back into the race.  Unfortunately my cousin wasn't drinking so I didn't really have anyone to get rowdy with, but I can see this getting ugly if I go next year with a group of friends.

I guess the point in the end is, even if you don't like car racing, and I really am not a big fan, the experience of actually going to a race, being outside, tailgating and drinking your ass off is a lot of fun.  And in the meantime you get to see some nutty fuckers driving WAY to fast around in a circle with 40 of their closest friends driving WAY too fast on the same small circle, crashing pretty frequently and making a shit load of noise.  Plus, hillbilly watching is one of my favorite past times.  I will be attending again next year.  Hopefully with my friends from the city.  It could be amazing, it could be ugly.  Either way it will be fun.  I'm looking forward to it.

Freaking Friday

Ok, so this is gonna be a two part blog about the weekend because quite frankly, I think it deserves it.  

Before we get to Friday, let's talk about Thursday shall we?

So I had plans with E to have dinner after our little thing earlier in the week so I made a reservation at Fugaku in Brookline.  She called at 730 saying she was going to be a little late getting out of work, which was fine because our reservation wasn't until 9 anyway.  Around 830 I send her a text that says "Are we going to make a 9 o'clock reservation?"

She calls:  "Hi, work sucks.  I'm literally just getting out.  I'm in a bad mood and kind of tired do you mind if we go out some other time?"

"Umm, yeah actually I do.  I blew off other people and have been sitting here waiting for you all night and now you're going to tell me you don't want to go out at 845?  Thats pretty lame."

"I'm so sorry.  I'm just really stressed and in a bad mood.  I don't want to make you deal with that."

"I'm coming to pick you up, and I'll bring you home if you want, but I need to talk to you."

I drive to her work and pick her up.  She starts explaining how shitty her day has been and how she's sorry about the bad mood she's in and a whole bunch of other stuff and I stop her.

"Look, if this is really about work, fine.  But if this is about something else I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me."

"Well, it's 75% about work.  The rest...I feel like I need some space."

(Immediate thought:  I KNOW THAT!  YOU TOLD ME!)

"Ok, I understand that, and that's fine.  I honestly have no problem with that, and I've told you that.  Have you noticed that I ask you to tell me when you want to hang out with me and don't pressure you?  What I DO have a problem with is you making plans with me and then flaking out at the last minute.  If you don't feel like you want to see me, fine.  I have no problem with that.  But really sucks when blow off my friends and wait for you and then you call me and tell me you don't wanna hang out."

"Really?  Are you sure that's ok?"

Oy.  Is she not listening to anything I'm saying?

"Listen, I'm the last person who needs to be rushing into a relationship believe me.  And if you don't feel like you want to hang out with me, don't.  You don't owe me anything.  Do what makes you happy.  The only thing I'm going to ask you to do is not flake out on me.  If you do that to me all the time I really can't deal with it, and I don't want that to happen because I like you.  You figure out when you want to see me and let me know and we'll see what we can work out."

"Oh.  Ok.  I didn't know that was ok."

"Ok well, it is.  So just relax, make yourself happy, and if I get to see you every once in a while along the way great.  If not, that sucks, but what can I do."

After that she seemed to relax and realize there was no pressure on her and really not much in the way of expectations.  We chatted a bit as I drove and she got a laugh out of some of the things I was saying to try to make her feel better about her crappy day.  So I start driving back toward Brighton to drop her off, park and presumably find some take out for dinner.  She realizes this and says "Oh, we can go out if you want."

"What I want doesn't matter.  If you want to go home I'm bringing you home."

"No no.  I'm better now.  You make me smile.  We can go out.  I'm sorry."

"Ok well, we missed our reservation, but we can go see if they can put us in a table."

We end up sitting at the sushi bar and having dinner with a few sakis.  We again have a good time and good conversation.  We walk to the car and drive back to Brighton.  I get to her front door and slow to stop and let her out.

"I don't HAVE to go home."

"Ok, do you want to come to my place?"

"Sure."

So we end up in my apartment.  My roommate is up when we get home so we sit and chat.  She is sociable, which is a good sign, and quite frankly pretty important to me even though I really don't like my roommate all that much.  The ability to be sociable to the people in my life can not be over valued as far as I'm concerned.

My roommate goes to bed, we have a few more beers and I say "Ok, i really need to sleep.  Are you staying?"

"Yes."

Thursday there were no concerns about whether or not I was trying to get lucky.  She left with me the next morning, with a smile on her face saying "I think I'm getting used to this.  I just need us to take it slow."

"I know.  We can go as slow as you want.  I'll be gone all weekend, do you want me to call you when I get back to Brighton, or do you want me to hold of until you call me."

"No, definitely call me when you get back."  Then she kissed me, I walked to my car, her to her apartment.

On my way up to the North Shore Friday after work the stupid Audi starts to stutter on the highway.  I know exactly what's wrong because I really should have replaced this part a while ago, but the damn transmission cost so much that I just put it off.  I pull off of route 1 and call AAA.  "Where are you?"  They ask.  

"I don't know, I'm in a parking lot just off of route 1"

"Ok, what's the name of the business?  I can look up the address."

"(So and So's) Liquors in Lynnfield."

"Ok, well, a tow truck will be there within two hours."

Joy.  Two hours.  But wait, I'm in the parking lot of a liquor store, and I'm damn sure I'm not driving anywhere.  My day is looking up.  I buy a 30 pack for saturday and a 12 pack to tied me over while I wait for the tow truck.  I sit and wait in my drivers seat drinking and reading for a little under an hour when the truck shows up.  I get a ride home and make small talk, call my brother tell him what's broken.  He tells me he can fix it that night, I tell him not to bother, I'm going to be way to drunk to drive soon anyway.

My cousin calls me to see if I'm in town, I tell him that despite my travails I have indeed made it into town and have already begun my own personal party at my parents house.  He tells me that his cousin (not related to me) is in town from Ohio, that she's 23, attractive and that he's promised to show her a good time.  "My aunt and grandmother have been talking you up so you have to be charming."

Ok, well, apparently charming I can do, but even though I know it isn't technically weird, I feel weird about trying to sleep with the cousin of my cousin.  At any rate, I arrange dinner with my brother, his new girlfriend, my cousin, his wife, my other cousin and his cousin from Ohio.  At this point I want nothing more than about 6 mai tais so I suggest we get chinese and my cousin comes to pick me up at my parents house and we meet everyone at the restaurant. (Side Note: The cousin isn't bad.  I wouldn't call her hot, but she is definitely a 1.  OH!  I haven't explained binary girl coding yet.  My friends and I got sick of the disputes that always arise from rating women on a 1 to 10 scale.  Someone always thinks a girl is an 8 and someone else invariably thinks they're actually a 4.  This leads to issues, so we developed binary.  Either you would, or you wouldn't.  1 or 0.  It has simplified all of our lives)

We eat, and I finish up said mai tais.  I believe it was only 5, but who knows.  We head to the bar and stop off at the boat for a few cocktails before going.  I finish 2 scotches and then we hit the bar.  I'm drunk by this point and the cousin decides she wants to dance and needs someone on the dance floor with her.  Well I just happen to be drunk enough to oblige.  I was into it at this point, because she was lookin MUCH better 5 mai tais, 2 scotches and a few beers deep, but I was still not even considering sleeping with her.

My cousin drove us home (he was sober) and the cousin was not discrete about her desire to sleep at my place instead of his.  2 problems.  1, despite my massive alcohol intake and the foray into redneckedness in my near future, I'm still a little freaked out about the fact that she's the cousin of a cousin, and 2, I'd be bringing her home to my parents house.  I haven't done that while my parents were home since high school, soooo not gonna happen.  I passed out as soon as I hit my pillow, and the next memory I have is the next part of the weekend.  To be continued.

Flakeage

Remember the little meet up E and I were going to have on Tuesday night?  Well, let's just say it was...umm...interesting.

She told me the night before that she'd be calling me after she met up with her friend for drinks downtown.  Probably around 9-ish.  Ok, thats cool.  Maybe we'll hang out, watch a movie.  Something to that effect.  So Tuesday night I clear my schedule of everything except for her.  I sit on my couch and watch the Red Sox game, which is perfect, because I love baseball and it's been a while since I've had a night to just sit down, have a beer and some food and watch the Sox.

9 comes and goes with no phone call.  If you've read anything I've written in the past few months you know what this does to my head.  It sends it spiraling off into pessimistic "oh shitsville" and I become completely neurotic.  I tell myself to relax.  She's with a friend, it's taking longer than she thought but she will call.

10 comes and goes with no call, and the baseball game is all but over.  Dejected, I walk into my room, throw on some gym shorts and lay in bed.  I'm having flashbacks to C all over again.  "I like you I really do."  Then no call when it's supposed to come.  I figure fuck it.  I'm gonna at least hold her accountable.  Assuming she decides she wants to respond.

I text "Have I lost you for the evening?"

She replies "Still at pool league." (she is in a pool league.  She doesn't play, she apparently sits around keeping score.  Whatever, either way it's irrelevant to me.)

I reply: "Sooo should I still be expecting a call from you tonight because if not I'm going to bed."

Her reply: "Well I'm probably leaving soon."

Finally I can't take the texting anymore and I just call her:

Me "Hey what's up?  What happened?"

E "I'm still at pool league.  It's running late."

Me "Ok, but remember you were supposed to call after you had drinks with your friend and we were gonna hang out?"

E "Oh my god I totally forgot!  I'm SO sorry!!"

Me "Listen, I don't care if you have pool league.  I don't care if you hang out with your friends every day of the week, but you made plans with me.  If you forgot fine, but all I really needed was a phone call.  I've been sitting on my couch waiting for you to call me since 9 o'clock."

E "I'll be done in 15 minutes.  Can I stop by after?"

Me "Well, sure I guess.  But hurry because I'm literally laying in bed about to pass out."

E "Ok.  I'll hurry."

So she calls from my front door and I buzz her up.  She apologizes and informs me that she's really not good at calling people.  In another situation I probably would have been accommodating and and just said "Oh it's cool.  Just try to make sure you call me next time.  Or remember pool league before you make plans with me."

In yet ANOTHER situation I would have been assertive and said "That's really flakey and quite frankly pretty lame.  How could you have forgotten plans you made less than 24 hours before?"

Instead I was just completely honest and told her how I felt: "Listen, I have no problem with you not hanging out with me.  It's cool.  I understand and I wouldn't even think of asking you to change anything about you or what you do for me.  With that being said, when you make a plan with me, and then don't call me, all I think is that you've stood me up.  And that is a really shitty feeling to have."

E "You really thought I stood you up?"

Me "Well what the hell else am I supposed to think?  You made a plan and you were supposed to call me and you didn't until I called you.  I don't really have a whole lot of prior experience with you personally to go on, but what experience I have with other people would lead me to believe that I'd been stood up."

No, I'm going to sound like an apologist right now, but this is 100% true.  By that night E had been to my apartment 4 times.  The first time completely shitfaced, the others not as much.  Either way, this very night she had to ask me where my bathroom was because she didn't think she'd ever used it.  Lets just say she has, and I don't live in a mansion, so there aren't exactly a whole lot of doors to choose from.  Now, either she's a sly clever girl, far beyond the credit I'm giving her, or her short term memory isn't great.  So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I told her not to worry about it, but that in the future I would really appreciate a phone call in situations like that.  She apologized again and we laid on my couch.  She said she'd have to leave soon.  I was caught a little off guard because she told me she didn't have work until late in the day Wednesday so it shouldn't have been a problem for her to stay over.

I said I thought she should stay.  She said she really didn't think she should.  I finally read someone right and said:

"Listen, I'm not asking you to stay because I'm trying to get lucky.  You say you hardly know me and I see you twice a week for 5 minutes at midnight.  It's kind of hard to get to know someone like that no?  You sleeping with me doesn't mean we have to have sex."

"Oh.  Well.  In that case I guess I can stay here."

She stayed and left with me in the morning.  We made plans that night to have dinner tonight.  Let's hope she doesn't flake out again, because she's got about 1 more chance with that shit before I just quit.

In other news, I guess facebook isn't THAT horrible.  Or is it.  Erin said she facebook stalked me, so I found her and sent her a friend request.  2 days later she accepted, but had ZERO info up.  Now, she either never had any info, or erased it before she accepted my request.  Either is possible, and I'm sure you can guess which way I'm leaning.  That's just the way I am.  I wish I wasn't.

In still OTHER news I sent a friend request to The Boss because she popped up in the "people you may know" tab.  She accepted and I saw that she was engaged to (let's call him) Timmy.  "Hmmm..." I think, "The guy she broke up with to sleep with me for a few months was named Timmy."  After further investigation (looking at her pictures) I ascertain that it is in fact the very same Timmy!  She is marrying the guy that she cheated on with me and broke up with!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

This has sent my head spinning.  I'm just....I don't know.  I want so badly to call her out on it, but I know it is completely inappropriate and would be a horrible idea.  But I just sit and think of all of the shit that she told me about how he was cold and unloving and this and that (not to mention enough of  a douche that she cheated on him with me) and now she's gonna marry the guy?!

I don't know what to do.  Suggestions are welcomed.