Social Security

Where am I? (Thanks Snappz!)

2009-02-09T14:54:00.001-08:00

Snappz reminded me that I haven't even really thought about this blog since October, so here's an update in case anyone is still listening:

My hypothesis on not writing and how it would help my mental state has been more true than I could have imagined. Since E, which was over soon after, or during my last post, I've met a few girls, gone out, and had fun, but have had a much healthier outlook on life in general. A significant other is no longer an all consuming thought. I'm living life for myself, and not thinking obsessively about relationships, every word I've said or what I'm doing wrong all the time. I even met someone who I told about my blog, and she read the whole thing, though I feel as though she may have gotten the wrong impression about me from it, who cares. That was a big step.

I have been writing some fiction when I find the time, and it has been liberating. It's certainly more fun to write stories about someone who isn't me, and it's really great to be able to just make things up and have things turn out the way that I want them to.

I've also begun the search for a new roommate, as my current one is unbearable and is bringing me down (if anyone is looking, or knows someone who is let me know).

All in all I'm in a much healthier place in my life, and though I'd really like to get back to blogging I have a lot of uncertainty on how it would effect me were it to be as personal as it were before, and if it were less personal I'm not confident I'd have anything interesting to write about.

At any rate, if you're reading this, awesome, though I'm not expecting a whole lot of readership given my four month hiatus. Thanks again for all of your comments and support in my tougher times, it did not go unappreciated. I'm sorry for giving up for now....but it really needs to be this way at the moment. I hope you all understand.

Lots of love.

-Nick

Blogging...Blessing or Curse

2008-10-07T15:13:00.001-07:00

I talked to E last night. It was not pretty. It started out well enough, but then I told her I had to talk to her. She called, and I proceeded to essentially make a fool out of myself. I told her I was being honest, and I was, but the problem is not her it's me. She said something telling

"You're thinking about this too much."

I am. I am thinking about this too much. It's been a month since we started seeing each other, and 3 weeks ago I told her that I had no problem taking it slow. Well taking it slow does not consist of me starting shit like this and asking her for, not so much commitment, as time. She doesn't owe me her time. She's not my girlfriend. Somewhere along the line I've lost sight of this fact and I've been trying to figure out where. I think I've realized. It's here.

When I blog about my relationship shit, not only do I think about it when I'm writing it, but when I read through it and re-read it. Because of this blog the last month feels like an eternity and I constantly have thoughts of her in my head, when what I should be thinking about is living my life and dealing with my issues. Instead the only issue I have in my head is E and the perceived slights toward me.

When I was with the boss I didn't really think a whole lot about it being anything other than the physical stuff, and that worked out great for 6 months. I think the end that the end of that situation did effect me, but why this much? Again, I have this horrible feeling that because I write, read and re-read these things and it puts these horrible thoughts in my head. I need to relax. And now it's PROBABLY too late with E...which isn't necessarily a bad thing based on what I'm getting from the folks in bloggy world and my friends as well.

So what conclusion have I reached? I don't know. I need to seriously think about how this blog is affecting me and how I view my life. I've never been the type to go remembering things over and over again and obsessing, but having it all written here facilitates that kind of behavior.

I don't want to stop blogging. Frankly I love it. I love to write, it's my outlet. But I need to seriously reconsider my material if it is going to contribute to me being different mentally in my everyday life.

What I've decided is this: I'm going to take a few days off from blogging. I might write another post before I go on vacation for the week next week, but in the meantime I'm going to write some fiction for myself. I've been thinking a lot about a screenplay, or a book. Honestly not with expectation that it will ever turn into anything, but more so I have an outlet. Some type of stress relief. If you're all interested in reading some of said fiction that I write, please let me know. Can't hurt to have some proof readers/critics.

I apologize to you all for this break. I know it seems out of the blue, but I need to see if it makes a difference. It may, it may not, but I need to try. Another thing that I'm seriously considering is some therapy. My mother sent me an email today. She saw me for roughly 10 minutes this weekend and could tell there was something wrong. Maybe it's a mom thing, or maybe I'm projecting my neurosis in a way that the outside world can see, which to me means I need to do something about it. After I told my mother the abridged version of the E story and all of the BS I've been dealing with at work she actually suggested that maybe I should go talk to someone. It is probably great advice.

Again, I'm so sorry, but I feel I need to do this because my life needs to change, and I truly believe that this will help. I will keep reading all of your blogs and commenting. I may post random rants on politics or economics or life in general, but for now I'm staying out of the female issues in my head.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your input. You've really become a second support group for me and I really really do appreciate it. If there's another bloggy meet up please let me know cuz I'd love to put some faces with names.

Signing off for now.

-Nick

Not a good audition...

2008-10-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Still no call. She's not doing very well on her audition. If I don't hear from her before 9 tonight I'm calling to see what the fuck is up. If its over its over, but SHE could most certainly do me the courtesy of letting me know.

B, dating doesn't kind of suck. Dating totally sucks.

All of my friends are telling me to run for the hills, and I can't tell you why I'm not. Because I'm a rube. Or something of the sort. This sucks.

I really don't deserve it. Or do I?

Epiphany?

2008-10-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

So on my car trips to and from Gloucester this weekend I had some time to myself to reflect and think. I also got to hang out with some close friends I haven't seen in a while, which helped to give me a little perspective. Probably didn't hurt that I got pretty stoned, pretty much all weekend...which always leaves me feeling more laid back and ambivalent about my personal situation and the world in general.

The realization that I've come to is that I really need to chill the hell out with regard to this and any other relationships that I have with girls. I need to just deal with the fact that what I have now with E may be all it ever is. I need to understand that if this is all that it is going to be I can still have fun and enjoy myself. And if it somehow becomes more, it becomes more. If it doesn't then it doesn't.

Of course last night I went out in Harvard Square with some friends, and texted and called E to let her know that I was back in Boston in case she wanted to hang out. She didn't call. Of course. And my new approach to not giving a shit hasn't quite kicked in yet, so needless to say I'm not happy about it. I need to shift my entire attitude toward E and probably let her know about it. Which will be hard if she never answers her phone or calls me back.

This sucks. Someday maybe I'll find an attractive intelligent girl who likes me and is somewhat emotionally available. As yet, no luck in that department. I'm not desperate....yet. But if I keep striking out like i have been, I'm sure I will get that way.

Sorry for the short post, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. PrincessB you mentioned therapy for E. I don't know if she is or has or doesn't get any at all, but clearly she needs it. I'd like to ask her, but I'm not sure if I should. Speaking of therapy, I've been considering going and speaking to someone myself. This blog is my therapy, and as helpful as it is, it isn't real help. I've got insurance, might as well use it.

Revalation.....

2008-10-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

E called Wednesday when I was on my way home from work. Unusual on her part to be so timely and forward, and as it turns out she needed to use my computer since hers was broken. I obliged and she came and we hung out while she posted to some job sites as her store is looking to hire. By the time she was done A-hole was home. She hung out for a while longer until another of my friends showed up and she realized that the guys were coming over to watch the baseball game.

"You're more than welcome to hang if you want, but you'll definitely be the only girl."
"No it's cool. I was thinking about meeting up with someone later anyway so I'll just do that."

She leaves. The guys and I drink some beers, have some pizza and watch playoff baseball. (Side Note: The difference between a real Red Sox fan and any other sports fan? Me. When they have a playoff game on the west coast, that starts at 10PM, I am so wound up by the time the game ends that I need to drink a 6 pack if I want to fall asleep within the next hour. And we're talkin 130AM here.)

At about 1030 I get a text from E that says her friend blew her off (karma?) I say I'm sorry that happened to her, and she is more than welcome to come back and watch the rest of the baseball game with us.

She responds 10 minutes later that perhaps she hasn't been blown off.
I respond, ok well, whatever. I'll be here. Let me know if you're coming over.

15 minutes later she texts again "I did get blown off."
I tell her to come over. She says sure, but I just ordered wings at the bar, so I'll be there after.
This is at approximately 1145. Around 120 the game ends and there's no news from E. I'm on my way to try to lay down and get some sleep, so I call. No answer. I send a text "What the hell happened?"

As I'm climbing into bed I'm pretty pissed off. I say fuck it, I'm calling one more time. If this girl doesn't answer I'm done. She picks up, clearly still at the bar.

"Hello?"
"Uuuum hi? Weren't you supposed to be coming to my house?"
"I think I'm just going to go to bed."
"Ok, how many times do you think you can blow me off before I tell you to go fuck yourself?"
"What?"
"I think you heard me."
"I didn't say I was coming over."
"Read your text messages." (Side note: she's clearly shit faced)
"I can't."
"Go outside of the bar so I don't have to yell for you to hear me. I need to talk to you."
"I can't leave. They won't let me back in."
"It's 130. If you don't leave that bar right now so I can talk to you don't bother calling me again."
"Ok. I'm coming over."

She comes to my house and I meet her outside. I show her the text message chain that led me to believe she was coming over. She gets it now.

"I'm sorry"
"I told you I can't deal with this. I asked you to do 2 things for me and this was one of them, and you can't do it."
"I'm sorry" She is literally stumbling drunk. I can't let her walk home alone like this so I bring her upstairs. We go out to the deck to have a butt.

"Am I wasting my time?"
"No. No."
"Well it really seems to my like I am. Look, I understand you keeping me at a distance because of the shit that has happened to you in your past, but ya know what? You need to decide if you want this to go any further because how it is now, it's not."
"I'm sorry. You've been nothing but the sweetest guy to me since the moment I met you. Quite frankly you're probably the best thing in my life right now."
"So why are you always pushing me away?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes. Obviously."
"When I was 20 I was raped by my boyfriend. And when I was younger my father was physically abusive to me and my brothers."

...What. The. Fuck. Again? You can NOT be serious!!??

So. I always kind of had an inkling that there was more to her aloofness than just cheating exes. But I didn't know what. And this does explain the "My head is too fucked up" comment from last weekend. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

My immediate reaction is rage. I want to find this piece of shit and cave in his skull with a 9-iron. But obviously my next emotion is compassion for this poor girl. She's fucked up from this shit. It's this shit that makes her the way she is. So I'm left with this. What do I do? Can she be changed? Can she ever trust me and open up to me? I mean, this obviously was a pretty big step, so maybe?

I told my friend Becky about it and her advice was to get out. She doesn't lack compassion for the situation, but she doesn't think I need this kind of relationship based on the last one I had with someone so emotionally unstable.

I was telling Ham the story, and got halfway through when he said, "Wait let me guess, she got raped." He was totally joking because he knew the Russian story too, but when I told him that she had indeed he was dumbfounded. "How the fuck do you do it man?"
"I wish I knew....so I could stop."
Ham and I have decided that the next couple of weeks will be very telling as far as whether or not I should continue this relationship. My thought is that if she starts to open up to me and trust me more then maybe there is something there. If not, I'll have my answer.

We hung out last night and I finally met one of her friends. It was a good time and the girl we hung out with seemed very nice. Her friend told me that E flakes out on her all the time so I shouldn't take it personally. I told her that doesn't make it ok. E went home instead of staying at my place, and I can't blame her because she had today off, and I obviously had to get up for work. I'm out of town all weekend.

Next week begins her grace period, for lack of a better term. Some serious steps need to be taken between the two of us in the next 15 days or this is going no where. I wonder if I should tell her that, or just see what happens.

I'm starting to feel like God is testing me. I was less than gracious with the last damaged soul He sent my way, but that was a completely different situation. I haven't been great with this one either, but had I known these things before last weekend things may have been different. I feel like this is a challenge, and I don't want to run away from it, but at the same time I can't escape the feeling of hopelessness that surrounds it. Its a battle in my head. I need a sailboat and some time to be alone and reflect, unfortunately I don't have that luxury.

Thank you all so much for reading and for your comments. It's good to have some perspective.

Till next time.

Edit: I'm a Lying Asshole...

2008-09-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

But allow me to explain...

Friday night E and I went to dinner in Kenmore Square. We had fun, as we always do, and ate good food, drank good wine and had good conversation. All the while I had to play cruise director for my friends who on this night weren't even capable of thinking of a place to go to dinner. So needless to say I receive and send a few texts during dinner. Normally I wouldn't but I was pretty much responsible for this night, so I had to make sure everyone was taken care of.

"Are you just gonna text people all night, or are you actually going to talk to me?"

Whoa?! Were did that come from?

"Um, I'm sorry...sometimes with my friends I have to play cruise director to make sure everything goes off right. But I'm talking."

"Eh, you're just getting too comfortable with me."

Clearly her read of me is approximately as inaccurate as my read of her.

"HA! That could not be FARTHER from the truth!"

"Really? You're not comfortable with me?"

"Ummm...sometimes, but honestly, most of the time, no. Not at all."

"Why?"

"Umm, well. I guess I feel like I'm still at the stage where I could call you and you'd just decide to stop answering your phone."

"I would answer my phone." She says with a little smile.

Doesn't exactly put my mind at ease.

So we finish dinner and meet up with Ham and Cheese and my a-hole roommate who decided to tag along. Head to Bukowski on Boylston for a few beers and I call my other friend who it turns out has wound up downtown. He was at Gypsy Bar. I texted "Wanna know how I know you're gay? Because you're at Gypsy Bar.

Homo!"

He texted that he and his gf and her two friends were headed down to Boylston momentarily. We headed across the street to Whiskeys to grab some scotch since they don't serve it at Bukowski (at least that I know of). We find some stools at the bar and hang out drinking, talking and taking the occasional smoke break.

All the while E is great. She's sociable. Talking to Cheese, and Ham. Not so much the roommate, but who could blame her. He's an ass. My other friends finally show up to Whiskeys and we all chill and talk about how drunk we are and the adventure that put us in such a state. All of the sudden E is really drunk and wants to go. So we go. Of course A-hole comes with us because he's too cheap to get a cab home alone, even though he's single and there was more tail running around Whiskeys at last call than you can shake a stick at. But I digress.

All the way home A-hole (as my roommate will be known from here on out) is talking shit. I know such and such. I have such and such money. I can get tickets to this and that. All bullshit. All of it. Finally I get fed up with the bullshit he's spouting trying to impress the girl who's clearly with me and wants nothing to do with him, that I lean over to her and start calling him out on his bullshit with whispers in her ear.

"I know a guy who has so much money that...."

"PSST! Thats a lie."

"Then one time we were like on the field at Fenway...."

"ALSO a lie."

She turns to me with the "Why would he do that?" face.

All I can do is shrug and put my palms skyward.

I get out at an ATM to grab cash, because despite all of the money that A-hole claims to have, he's a cheap prick. I'm literally not in the ATM for more than 15 seconds than E comes in behind me.

"What is his problem?"

"I don't know. I guess he's trying to impress you, but he's really full of shit."

"Why is he trying to impress me?"

"No idea. Maybe he thinks if he's rich enough, cool enough and knows enough famous people you'll sleep with him instead of me?"

She burst into laughter.

We get to my place and go to bed. Before anything starts I tell her that I want to see her tomorrow. She says "I have plans with some friends."

"So what? You met my friends, I think I can handle yours. I get along pretty good with most people."

"Ok I'll call."

So, we sleep together. She leaves the next morning a semi early to get to work. I sleep. Late. Golf got rained out, obviously. It's ok though. I need to not spend $120 on a round of golf. Its for the better.

The day goes by. I hang with my friend K and watch some college football. Ham calls and says he's meeting some friends in Harvard Square and I should come. I tell him I'm waiting for E to call but that I will give him a shout later on. So again, I've blown off people, and fun to wait for E.

At 930 I get a call from L. She is 20 mins from Boston and on her way to meet up with the same friends in Harvard Square and wanted to know if it was OK that she could park by my place and we could maybe split a cab.

This is it. This is the moment of truth. I gave up the night for E. I tried to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't even have the OPTION of hooking up with L. In fact, I didn't even know she was coming into town until this phone call. And what did E do? She pretty much blew me off. Now what would you do? Say no to going out with this beautiful girl that wants to sleep with you, or sit at home waiting for a call from E that may or may not come.

"Sure, you know my place right? There are two hour spots all over the place."

The die is cast. Can't turn back now, I tell myself.

We go to Harvard Square and meet up with Ham and Cheese and a few other people at Tommy Doyles, move to Grendels and then L, myself, Ham and Cheese decide we're going back to their place in Somerville for scotch and other such night caps.

Ham and Cheese have a guest room. So, there it happened. Here is what I have to say: I honestly feel more chemistry with L than with E. I won't say the sex is better, just deeper in an emotional sense. Maybe that's just because I've been sleeping with E so much lately, but I don't know. Also, importantly, afterward L wanted to be held, and touched and kissed. E doesn't NOT want those things, she just doesn't seem as into them.

I wake up the next morning and head home. L comes, as her car is there. I burn her a few CD's and she is off back to Hartford. I notice a missed call on my phone from E at 1230 AM. Great, so you went out with your friends, got drunk and wanted to come over for a fuck. Spectacular.

Yesterday E called as soon as I was out of work. I was still on the train as a matter of fact.

"I totally spaced on calling you Saturday."

"Seems to be a theme with you."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Folding and putting away my laundry. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm not really doing anything. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?"

sigh........

"Sure. I'll be here. Give me a call."

Two and a half hours later "Hi, I got caught up with my roommates. I'm on my way over now."

"Oook."

She came over, we watched a movie and started to fool around. I stopped her.

"Lets go smoke a butt. I need to talk to you."

"Ok."

We go to my deck. And this is where I lie.

"So, I told you I'm not comfortable, and yesterday is why. You were supposed to call me and you never did."

"I.."

"Let me finish. I was also put in a moral dilemma this week. I got a call from a friend in CT who I've hooked up with a few times who wanted to come visit me in Boston. I told her no. Because of you. (LIE LIE LIE LIE: In my defense read above. Also in my defense, I wanted to have this conversation a LONG time ago, but was never given the chance by her. I know. I'm justifying things in my head. But this is really how I saw/see it.) And then you blow me off and I'm left to think "Hmm. Here I am turning down the chance to hook up when the girl that I'm doing it for doesn't even call me when she says she's going to, and for all I know could be out sleeping with every guy she knows.' So I ask you, would you do the same for me?"

Thought, no answer. Then she speaks.

"Listen, I told you about my past..."

"I don't care. I'm not asking about your past, I'm asking about now. I need to know the truth."

"I've pretty much only been with you."

"First of all, pretty much doesn't cut it. Second, what you have or have not done is less important to me than what you want to do."

"Well, as far as me and all of my friends are concerned you are the only one I'm seeing. You're the first person I call when I have free time (LIE LIE LIE) and I really enjoy spending time with you."

Ok, what the hell is that answer? As far as me and all of my friends? And I clearly know for a FACT that I'm not the person you call when you get free time.

"Is that the truth?"

"Yes. It is."

She gets silent.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"I...I can't say."

"Why?"

"Because my head is fucked up and I don't want you to hear about it yet."

"Believe me I've heard it all. What is going on in your head is not going to scare me."

"I...It's just too soon."

I didn't push it. I should have. I don't know why I didn't. I guess it all felt a bit hypocritical given the circumstances. We went back to bed and she asked "So who is this girl?"

"Oh just a friend I've known for a while. We started hooking up when I broke up with my ex."

E left with me this morning. I forced her to kiss me at the subway stop.

Things aren't looking good. Becky says I should run away, and I'm not sure she's wrong. Here's the most optimistic analysis I can give at this point: She's fucked up from her past. She is keeping me at a distance so as not to get hurt. The irony being that is exactly what put me in a position to hurt her. I want to believe that at some point she could trust me and let me in. But who knows. Christ I have never met a single one of her friends yet, and I've never been in her apartment. Clearly something is amiss.

So there I am. I've never cheated before in my life. Ever. I'm not sure this counts, but either way I don't feel good about it. I'm now struggling with where I go from here. It sucks. I really don't know what the hell to do.

I'm an asshole...

2008-09-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

I guess it seems fitting that my 100th post is a turning point in my life to some extent.

I slept with L this weekend. It's my fault, and I shouldn't have done it, but I did. And I will tell you why. But right now I need to call E back and figure out what I'm going to do about that.....

Just as an....anniversary I guess? for my 100th post I would sincerely like to thank all of you who read. And though I haven't exactly stuck to the mission statement I made when I started this blog, I think that what I have done has been open and honest about myself and my life to an extent that I have yet to be able to reach in my everyday life.

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. It does not go unappreciated.

Quick post, pre-date

2008-09-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just wanna really quickly address some comments because you guys have been great about reading and giving advice.

Lynn, I know where you're coming from. Since I'm the veteran of a few long term relationships I do know what it's like to find that person that you're smitten with. I also know what it's like to find a person that grows on you. The girl I dated for 6 years I was madly in love with nearly from the day I met her. She was beautiful, smart and wonderful. I spent some of the best and happiest years of my life with her and honestly, had I met her 5 or 10 years later in my life would have married her, but that is a story for another post.

The girl I dated for 2+ years it wasn't that quick. She was beautiful and fun, but what endeared me to her was seemingly her relaxed laid back attitude (which turned out to be a total misrepresentation) and easy to like personality. After seeing her a few times I wanted more. Fortunately so did she, so it worked out.

I guess the issue with E is that nothing is that clear cut. It's like, I COULD be into having more with her, and she seems really cool and fun but there's this cloud of uncertainty hanging over everything. And it's not necessarily about her. I mean, to some extent it is in that it is her issue with commitment that is making me uneasy, but at the same time if I were a different person I would be able to just deal with that.

G, I do not take offense to your post at all, and I appreciate your honesty. This is what this blog is about. I want unfettered unedited thoughts and ideas from anyone who posts here. With that said, let me try to address some of the things that you wrote.

First off, I am generally pessimistic of people as a whole. In my experience the vast majority of the population is not to be trusted. I guess trusted is not the right word. They just aren't up to snuff I guess, though perhaps I have standards that are too high.

Yes, I do want someone who is open and honest. I give that to people, and I expect it back. I personally don't think that is too much to ask. If you don't want to tell me your deepest darkest secret, thats fine, but as it pertains to me and my relationship with you, honesty is of paramount importance to me personally. It just makes everything so much easier, and it heads off those miscommunications or misunderstandings that lead to drama.

Take the boss for instance. Had the two of us been honest and open with each other at the time, things could have ended up very differently. Or the girl I was in the 2+ year relationship with: If I knew from the beginning that she had OCD, anxiety and was the complete opposite of laid back, I PROBABLY wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her. These are the reasons that I value honesty and openness in myself and the people I surround myself with. With that said, none of my friends know about this blog, so I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

I've asked if E could be honest with me, and told her that honesty was the one and only expectation that I had of her. Right now I'm trying to believe that I'm being given that, but it's hard sometimes. Why? Well this all stems from the conversation a few nights ago about commitment and monogamy. Her attitude toward it is unsettling to me. In the end, I can either deal with it, or not, but for the time being it puts doubts in my mind for a number of reasons. First and foremost, is she out sleeping with other people and telling me she's at work till 10? Second, I really don't have a good bead on what exactly it is she meant by all of that. I mean, maybe she said it as a point to make sure I know how fucked over she's gotten in the past, hoping it would make a difference to me. Or maybe she really means that she doesn't have any intention of not sleeping with other people because she just assumes I'd be doing the same thing. In which case what am I left with?

That is the issue now, and why I feel as though I need clarification. As in, am I completely wasting my time here? Should I be treating this as a hook up and nothing more? Someone saying they don't want to rush into a relationship doesn't exactly count as fuck buddy talk, but it also doesn't exclude that possibility.

The final point I would like to make is that you are totally right in your last point. If someone doesn't live up to my standards I do start thinking about getting out. But why shouldn't I? Why should I stay with someone and forgo other things in my life when they aren't what I'm looking for? The problem is, I'm unclear at this point whether or not E is what I'm looking for, and that, in the end, is what I need to figure out.

On my way to get E and head out. Dinner then fun with the friends. Thanks again for the comments and advice. You guys are great.

Till next time.

On the phone call...and other nonsense

2008-09-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, she called. I was at Ham's place in Somerville. She called pretty early. Around 8. Her reason that she didn't call last night was that she was at work till 10. She explained why to me, I'm skeptical. But she called I guess. Here's the thing: I don't believe her. She works at a retail store in Newbury St. as a store manager. Who are you managing till 10PM?

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I have to say this: My brother is a bit of a pathological liar, so I've kind of come to a point in my life where it's hard to lie to me without me picking up on it. Or I'm just paranoid. Either way, as I said, I'm ignoring that at this point.

I called her back at 10 when I got home. We made plans for tomorrow night. I told her I was supposed to hang with some friends, so we're gonna have dinner and then meet up. Yup, she has to meet my friends. This should be interesting.

Princess B you bring up an interesting point. But I don't really know how to change the type of girl that I'm going after. I see someone. I think they're attractive, thats the first step. I go from there. The problem is, in the last 5 months I'm pretty much 0 for 5 using that method. I mean, I meet girls, go out with them and have fun, but none of them have been any more than that. I guess the real question to be asked is why that is a problem? I guess I'm young, and god knows I've had enough relationships to not HAVE to be in another one so quick. I think I feel like it's more like a waste of time to just hang out and have sex with someone. I'm interested to know more, about them and see if there's more to us.

Don't get me wrong, I've been with girls that were just that. I mean sometimes there's nothing there, and, to use a horrible cliche, it is what it is. If I knew that about my current situation I would probably be more ok with it. Instead this one is somewhere in the middle. I like the girl. I think she likes me. It's hard for it to be nothing when you see the person a few times a week. That's the problem now.

The boss, she was a friend. It didn't turn into more than that (regretfully in the end) because I treated it as what it was: a few times a month we would hook up. That I can deal with. It's this purgatory between casual hook up, and being something more that is making it so hard.

There's my rant for now. Thanks all again for reading and commenting.

P.S. Where do I find a girl who ISN'T like this? There's your question.

Important decisions, not to be rushed....

2008-09-25T07:20:00.001-07:00

E finally did call me Tuesday night. Quite late. She’s either not good at returning calls, or was avoiding me for some reason, or was just out having fun with her friends. Either way this is the problem with how things are at this point: If I call her and don’t hear back, what exactly is it that is going through my head? I’ll tell you what, it isn’t good.

So she called Tuesday night at about 1130. I was in bed, mostly asleep since I’d been up since 430, but she asked if she could come and stay the night. Who am I to say no? We left in the morning together, and since there were a lot of people at the subway stop outside my apartment there was no kiss good bye. She has odd rules about PDA and when it is and is not acceptable, but a quick kiss good bye does not really qualify as PDA to me. Maybe I’m nuts.

Princess B and G your thoughts on the subject are much appreciated. I’ve consulted my closest friends about the situation and gotten conflicting answers. Becky, my best girl friend from the west coast, says I should no hook up with L. Her argument is whether or not this thing with E is going anywhere I should not out of respect. That’s all well and good, I say, but what if she’s out messing around and I’m sitting her doing nothing?
“Well, then you probably shouldn’t be with her anyway if that’s how it is.”
A very good point.

My buddy Ham says I should just hook up with L. His argument:
“Look, if she can’t commit that’s her problem. Why should you sit around and deny a hook up to a hot girl you’ve known longer if she can’t say she won’t do the same for you?”
Also a good point.

I wanted to talk to E last night about our situation, without getting too dramatic or heavy obviously. I called her on my way home from work (I was there late) to offer her a ride home from work as it was about the time she normally gets out. She didn’t answer. I left a message. She hasn’t returned my call.

I have to be honest; this is not helping to make the decision easy for me. Don’t return my calls and you’re immediately downgraded as far as I’m concerned. Especially when the immediate thoughts for reasons why you wouldn’t be returning my calls are…let’s just say not good ok?

So here I am. I have L waiting on me to tell her yes or no and E is essentially ignoring me for the time being. The whole situation sucks I have to say. Becky told me that it’s never easy. “I’m painfully aware,” I say, “But it really shouldn’t be THIS complicated should it?”

“No. Frankly I think you’re too nice of a guy to have to put up with this shit, but what do I know.”

Thanks Beck. I was really starting to doubt that. It’s interesting to note that it seems like the people who are more sociopathic and bigger douches have better luck with women, and seemingly better lives. Now, I’m not sure if this is because they just don’t give a shit, so no matter how bad their life is, it doesn’t bother them, but I have to say it definitely seems to me that women are more attracted to them for some reason. I was really hoping that at some point I, and the women that I was interested in, would get past the whole “dating assholes to get back at daddy” or whatever that phase is, but I guess I’m not there yet. At the same time, you end up with girls like E, who if it weren’t for all of the assholes she’s encountered in her life might be interested in more with me and might not be too fucked up to commit to a relationship with a nice guy that could be great.

Pseudo Final Thoughts on E for this post: I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t be with E if she wants to be seeing/sleeping with other guys. I don’t know if that counts as a “commitment” from her or what, but I know enough about myself to know that I need that. If she can’t give that to me, then I guess I’m kidding myself. So this is a conversation that needs to be had. Also, I’m still not positive about this weekend. It’s funny, something as simple as her calling me back last night would have made this decision a lot easier. But she didn’t, which to me means I’m not important enough for the 45 second phone call to say “Thanks for the offer, but I got your message too late.” I’m not sure if that is me being neurotic, or if it’s really true. Third party help on this would be and is always much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.

Baggage...Big Time....

2008-09-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted, and I apologize. But on the bright side I've got plenty of material to write about today. I'm going to start where I left off.

Last Wednesday E and I went to the Legal Test Kitchen in South Boston for her birthday. (which is actually today) We had some great food and wine, and a really good time. We have no problem finding things to talk about and there is never awkward silence. When dinner was over E suggested we grab a bottle of wine, head back to my place and watch stupid videos on youtube. It was a great idea. When we got to the car I gave her the books I got for a gift. She was amazingly excited and told me she absolutely loved them

"Well, they're two of my favorite books, so I hope you enjoy them."

She kissed me, we got a bottle of wine and we spent an hour or so drinking wine and watching ridiculousness at my apartment. She stayed the night, and we both left the next morning. I told her I'd call.

After work, I was beat. I sat on my couch and started watching the Red Sox game and remembered I was supposed to call E. I got her on the phone and asked her what was up. She said she had just put in a load of laundry and was planning on packing for her trip to NYC. I said, "Aw that's too bad. I was gonna invite you over to watch a movie."

"I can come over and watch a movie. It's gonna take a while for my laundry to be done anyway."

We watched Outside Providence, one of my, and apparently her, all time favorite movies. After the movie was over I kissed her because I figured she had to go. She got the "I've gotta tell you something heavy." look on her face. I asked what was up.

"So, you're gonna be mad at me. I think I might have to stay with my ex for a night in NYC."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know. Aren't you jealous?"

"Should I be? Are you gonna fuck him or something?"

"No, we're just friends. But guys get mad about that kind of stuff."

"Well, I already told you I don't play jealous boyfriend, so. Yeah. Not mad. Would I rather if you WEREN'T staying with your ex? Sure, but its your life."

"Ok. Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That narrows it down." she says.

"Well, I don't sleep with guys, so, there ya go."

She laughed and left with a smile on her face. I told her to call as soon as she was back in town.

The weekend was a bit of a haze. I spent Friday night with the friend who was at the bar with me when I met E, his girlfriend, her roommate (who is very very good looking) and their German friend who wasn't bad to look at either.

I played golf Saturday and my friend and I almost got in a fight with some douche on the golf course. Saturday night I went to a cocktail party for a friend who just got over leukemia. She wanted people to be dressed up, so I got myself together. I wore a white shirt with vertical black stripes, a black tie with jeans that were nearly black (DARK wash. Not black. Thats hillbilly/hardcore. neither is me) and black shoes. Kind of emo looking, but not really because I don't wear tight jeans, just jeans that fit. Quite frankly, I looked damn good if I do say so myself. Needless to say I got shit for it from my guy friends who were wearing suit pants and blue shirts with lame yellow ties. They were just jealous. I grabbed my friend who's party it was and asked her if I looked ok. "Oh I LOVE that. Are you kidding? You look great!"

I just smiled at my friends. No need to rub it in. We had many drinks that night and I woke up with a pretty bad hangover the next morning.

Watched the Pats get killed, and then went and played more golf. E called at about 830. She was at the Port Authority in NYC getting her ticket home. She said she had a great weekend, and I told her I wanted her to tell me all about it. We spoke for a while, and I told her to call me when she was in town. "Well, if I'm in town at a decent hour tonight do you want me to call?"

"Sweetheart, its 9 and you haven't even gotten on a bus. You won't be home till 1. Call me tomorrow."

"Ok. I'll talk to you soon."

Monday night I was planning to head down to Hartford for work Tuesday morning. I stumbled into some Red Sox tickets in the State Street Pavilion that made a 5AM drive to Hartford this morning seem like a swell idea. I called E. "Awwww. I wanna go to a Red Sox game! I've been living in Boston for 7 years and I've never been!"

"If you stick around, I promise I'll get you to a Red Sox game. I'll call you later."

The Sox lost. That sucked. I decided to walk a few blocks toward home to avoid the sardine can that is the Green Line after a baseball game. On the way I called E.

"Hey beautiful. Whatcha doin?"

"I just got out of the shower."

We talked for a bit as I walked home, and agreed that I'd call when I got to my place and she'd come over, even though I had to wake up at 430. She came over, and we went straight to my room. She got a phone call. Whoever it was she told them she was at home. Ummm...SKETCHY!

"How come you're lying to that boy?" I ask.

She shuffles out and finishes her conversation, comes back and tells me that it was her friend's boyfriend John.

"Oh yeah? How come you told him you were home and not here?"

"Because he doesn't need to know everything about my life."

I left it at that. I knew she was lying.

We got in bed and umm...had some fun. Half way through round two she kind of stops sort of abruptly and says she needs to go the bathroom. I knew something was wrong, and asked her on her way out the door. "Nothing."

On her way in she said "I lied to you."

"I know."

"That wasn't my friend's boyfriend. That was this guy I used to hook up with."

"Uhu. And he's drunk and wants a booty call."

"Well, no. Yes."

"Ok, listen. I don't ask for much. Just honesty. You're not still sleeping with him right?"

"No. No not at all."

"Are you telling the truth?"

"Yes. I haven't slept with anyone since we started seeing each other. Have you?"

"No. I haven't"

By this time she was back in bed with me. She started to explain the whole situation she "used" to have with this guy. I stopped her.

"Listen, what you've done in your past is none of my business, and none of my concern. All I care about is you being honest with me in what you're doing now. I don't think that's too much to ask. I'm not asking you to do, or not do anything. I just want to know so I can decide whether I want to deal with it based on the actual information."

"Ok."

"Could you ever be with just me?" I asked. (Yup, that's hanging one out there. Seemed like a good time.)

"I think so. Could you ever be with just me?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, I need to know more of you before I can promise you anything, but I think based on the fact that 8 of the last 10 years I've been in monogamous relationships and never cheated on anyone, I don't think I'd have a problem."

"Oh....I don't know about monogamy anymore. I don't think guys can do it so I don't know why I should." This opened some stuff up. I could tell this hit something deep. Here's the story:

She had a boyfriend in college for a number of years. He cheated on her. (Fucking scum bag. I hate these people) After that, she hung out with a friend of the now ex boyfriend who cheated on her, and had a casual relationship, because needless to say she was fucked up from the guy she loved fucking around on her. The new guy spent a year or so convincing her that he was not like that, she finally gave him her trust, at which point.....HE FUCKING CHEATED ON HER!!!!

"I held out for so long. I didn't want to trust him for SO LONG. And then as soon as I did he fucked me over!"

She is in tears at this point. I'm...I'm a combination of enraged, and so sad for this poor girl that all I can do is hold her in my arms and tell her that I am sorry as I wipe tears from her face.

"I have to go outside and smoke" she says.

"Hold on." I turn over and look her in the eyes.

"Listen to me. I'm sure this means nothing now, but maybe some day it will. Right now I can't promise you anything. I can't promise this is going anywhere, because I don't know. But I can promise you this with my heart and soul. If you and I are with each other, I will never cheat on you. Ever. I dated a girl for 2 and a half years, the last six months of which I could not STAND her, and cheating on her never entered my mind. I would never do that to anyone. That is horrible, and I'm so so sorry this has happened to you."

"I can't believe I'm crying in front of you. This is way too soon."

"No it's not. You're not scaring me away. Listen to me. The only way you'll scare me away right now is if you tell me that you can never trust me and that I'm wasting my time. But I don't think you believe that."

"I just don't know."

"I know you don't, and I'm not asking you for anything like that now. But if it's impossible, please let me know as soon as you do."

"Ok."

"Do you think you could ever be with just me?"

"I think so. But I need time."

"I know."

She went outside to smoke and fell asleep in my arms. We left early this morning because I had to go to Hartford. Turns out a friend of hers (she claims a girl) got her a ticket to tonight's Red Sox game. Her curse is broken. I'm gonna text and say "have a good time, call me later." Probably asking for rejection, but I gotta try, and here's why.

L called me when I was at the game last night. She said she might be coming to Boston this weekend. You know what this means. Now, normally I'd say, E and I are not anything. We don't owe each other anything, and she has not committed to me that she will not be fucking around on the side. In a normal situation I would just do whatever without a thought, but this is different. If this girl sees that I've fucked around on her, it might kill her. Or it might not, since we haven't really promised anything to each other as far as this goes. I need to find out where we stand before I can say anything to L.

Aye. This is the drama that is my life. Comments and suggestions are not only welcomed, I'm quite frankly dying for them. I don't know how to handle this. Nothing is ever easy, but I feel like the best thing I can do is be honest with her. But how do I do that? "Hey, this girl I've slept with a few times wants to come to Boston this weekend, and I need to know if you're going to be fucking around, because if you are...Umm, we might sleep together." ??? I have a pretty good idea how that would go over. But I don't know what else to do.

HEEELP!

Till next time.

(Randomness to the Nth degree: I have been seriously considering writing something other than this blog. I love to write, and I think I could adapt some of the real life BS I've dealt with into something good, but I don't know what. I don't think I could write a book. I'm thinking a play. Or a screen play. I'll keep you posted.)

The Random Entry O'Goodies

2008-09-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

First off, addressing some comments.

Princess, you are amazing. I love that you even read my blog, let alone all of the comments you always leave. Thanks a bunch. You're great for my bloggy ego.

Voiceinmyhead: It's not a girl thing. To me none of the laps were particularly important. The race really wasn't at all why I was there. It was about the experience.

Speaking of the race, I found this pic of the fight in the pits AFTER the race on ESPN.com. Classic.

Also, in E news (not entertainment, the person) I called her Monday night and spent an hour or so on the phone talking about anything and everything. It was refreshing, and has really put my mind at ease. We're going out to dinner tonight for an early birthday thing for her as she will be in NYC all weekend with her friends celebrating. I got her some books (Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut and The Life of Pi by Yan Martel if you must know), and a blank card that I am trying to think of something good to write in. Now, generally books=lame present. But there is thought behind this, as if I didn't see her book on the bar the night we met, I never would have spoken to her in the first place. These are the things I think of when buying gifts.

In other news, my roommate brought home a girl Sunday night. She was in the apartment for 5 minutes and didn't say anything really....turns out they spent the day at IKEA. Nice work on the first date bud....real Don Juan of you. All I've gotten from him on the subject is "Her family is loaded and she's kind of smart. She's not bad to look at either." He didn't sense my sarcasm when I responded "Well at least you have your priorities in the right place...." If this girl can stand him for more than 5 dates then she's is losing big time points in my scorebook.

Now for some random links I've been building up for the last few weeks:

This story really surprised me. Not because Megan Fox was all hot on a female stripper. That to me is kind of par for the course in this day and age. Mostly because she's engaged to Brian Austin Green. Are you fucking kidding me Megan Fox? David from 90210? We'll see her in a tabloid for some Britney like behavior in the near future. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Think drilling for oil off shore is the solution to our energy problems? Well, you're wrong. Does everyone get it now? More oil isn't going to help. What WILL work is if we don't need so much.

Maybe this explains my problems with women? Maybe not. Who knows.

I really have a local bias toward art and music, but wherever you're from you can definitely appreciate this video. Amazing.

The best part of this video is that Colbert is shitting on him the whole time and he seems like he doesn't even get it.

Can we all tell that I hate Bill O'Reilley yet? Like, despise him more than anyone else on the planet? Well, I do. Ok Bill, let's call a war veteran unpatriotic. People will buy that. Oh wait! They do?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Oh, right. They're the people who won't fund stem cell research....no matter what miracles they could perform.

I absolutely LOVE this guys photography. I'm not sure what it is. I love the richness of color in the the photos the have it, and the overall composition of nearly every one.

And on that note, I will bid adiue. Thanks again for reading and commenting. All the best.

Why everyone should go to at least 1 NASCAR race in their life.

2008-09-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Let us pick up where we left off shall we?

I'm awakened by my cousin standing next to my bed saying "Dude, wake up, we're gonna miss the race!" This is the same cousin who was out drinking with me till 3 AM. I shouldn't say drinking with me, because he abstained, but he knew how much I drank and thought it was pretty damn funny that he was waking me up at 7 AM.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me dude. I'm still drunk. At least let me get a shower. Go get the grill out of the garage I'll be right out."

I shower, dress in the most hillbilly thing I have (jeans and a shirt that says "After partying all night, Chuck Norris doesn't throw up, Chuck throws down." It was a gift, but I thought it appropriate given my current state of affairs.) and walk outside just as he's getting the grill into the bed of his truck. He has a cooler full of meat and potato salad, I grabbed the 30 of Bud out of the trunk of the Audi and tossed it in.

"I need coffee" I say.

"We need ice."

"To the Mobil Mart!" I shout with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

We stop at the Mobil Mart where another cousin is working (this cousin's brother) and stock up on ice, water, iced coffee from the D&D thats in the store, and a 12 pack of Cokes. (Note: when there is a long day of drinking in your future a caffeinated beverage of some kind is absolutely essential to keep you going.)

We hit the road and I plug my iPod into the truck stereo. If I'm sitting in a diesel pick-up for a 2 and a half hour ride into NH at 7AM on a Saturday I am sure as shit going to be playing DJ. We shoot the shit on the way up about girls, life, family etc. and arrive at the track a little past 930. Let's see if I can describe this for you.

Imagine the biggest parking lot you've ever seen. Now take that parking lot and put another right behind it, except a little higher on a hill. Do the same again...and again...and again. Fill every odd parking lot with RV's, pop up campers and those crazy tour bus type things and you're getting what I saw when we first turned off the highway. No put a road in the middle of all of these parking lots that goes up the hill, and when you get to the top imagine 10 of the biggest parking lots you've ever seen all as one GIANT parking lot with scores of teenagers in red vests with lights (yes, its morning, no need for lights) directing you where to park. And we're just talking about the parking lot here.

We park, and my cousin goes to get tickets. A guy pulls up on one side of us in a brand new 3 series BMW with his son in the passenger seat. He is not going to be fun. He's less hillbilly than I am, and I'm about the 10th or 11th least hillbilly person this side of NYC. I look across the lane and see the people I'm looking for. Four thirty something guys and their wives/girlfriends, a tent, GIANT grill, and flag poles waving their favorite drivers number 30 feet above their Ford F-150. Those people will be getting rowdy. This is what I'm looking for.

I hop into the bed of the truck, grab a Bud out of the cooler and light the grill. "It looks like it's beer o'clock." Shouts one of the guys at the F-150 as I crack the Bud. Good stuff. (Note: I'm not sure if there's rules about this or not, but I figured bringing an American beer was a good idea. I don't think anyone drives the Heinekin car in NASCAR, so despite my penchant for foreign beer I restrained myself.)

I go through the meat and the cooler and find some marinated sirloin tips. It's 945 AM and I'm drinking a Budweiser and grilling steak in the bed of a pick-up truck in the middle of the biggest parking lot I've ever seen in the morning sun. This is why I'm here.

I look to my left and see the stands and the front straight away and a few cars whizzing by on the track. My cousin comes back with the tickets and says we gotta hurry so we can see the car that he used to work on in the early race. I tell him once the steak is done and we eat, we can leave, but I need a base if I'm gonna be drinking all day. Even if it is steak at 10AM.

We eat and I finish 4 or so beers at the truck. I tell my cousin to stand on his roof and he'll be able to see the race, but he does one better. Apparently there is a radio station that has what amounts to minor league car racing on it. We heard that his friend won the race, and my first thought is "Yes, we get to party with the winners tonight!" I tell my cousin to make sure we call him before we leave.

We eat, finish up and I pack the travel cooler. Now, a lot of people don't know this, but at a NASCAR race you can bring as much beer as you want into the race with you, as long as it is in a can, and your cooler isn't bigger than 14"x14"x14". This spells trouble for me, but I load the cooler with about a dozen buds, six or so cokes, two bags of chips and ice. We walk through the parking lot to the gate.

"Got a bit of everything in here huh?" Says the guy checking my cooler.

"Sure do."

We go inside and find seats on the front straight away.

My cousin asks me why I dressed up. "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm wearing jeans and a Chuck Norris t-shirt?"

I look around and notice that my cousin and I are among the minority that are actually still wearing shirts. It was 1015 in the morning and I was surrounded by shirtless beer bellied hillbillies and their hillbilly wives. Now, one would think that if you get fifty thousand people or so in a small enough area there would be a fair amount of attractive young ladies. Well, you would be wrong. Nothing. I was dumbfounded. But I guess you can understand why you girls wouldn't want to be surrounded by shirtless old hillbillies.

I drank all day. Yelled at shit I had no idea what meant. Watched a fight in the pits, watched a number of fiery crashes and saw all kinds of redneckery in the stands. It was pretty great. The sun was out and the races were entertaining.

There were 3 races and we were inside the track for a long while. But it didn't matter, because when I ran out of beer, I took the cooler, left, refilled it and came back into the race. Unfortunately my cousin wasn't drinking so I didn't really have anyone to get rowdy with, but I can see this getting ugly if I go next year with a group of friends.

I guess the point in the end is, even if you don't like car racing, and I really am not a big fan, the experience of actually going to a race, being outside, tailgating and drinking your ass off is a lot of fun. And in the meantime you get to see some nutty fuckers driving WAY to fast around in a circle with 40 of their closest friends driving WAY too fast on the same small circle, crashing pretty frequently and making a shit load of noise. Plus, hillbilly watching is one of my favorite past times. I will be attending again next year. Hopefully with my friends from the city. It could be amazing, it could be ugly. Either way it will be fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Freaking Friday

2008-09-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is gonna be a two part blog about the weekend because quite frankly, I think it deserves it.

Before we get to Friday, let's talk about Thursday shall we?

So I had plans with E to have dinner after our little thing earlier in the week so I made a reservation at Fugaku in Brookline. She called at 730 saying she was going to be a little late getting out of work, which was fine because our reservation wasn't until 9 anyway. Around 830 I send her a text that says "Are we going to make a 9 o'clock reservation?"

She calls: "Hi, work sucks. I'm literally just getting out. I'm in a bad mood and kind of tired do you mind if we go out some other time?"

"Umm, yeah actually I do. I blew off other people and have been sitting here waiting for you all night and now you're going to tell me you don't want to go out at 845? Thats pretty lame."

"I'm so sorry. I'm just really stressed and in a bad mood. I don't want to make you deal with that."

"I'm coming to pick you up, and I'll bring you home if you want, but I need to talk to you."

I drive to her work and pick her up. She starts explaining how shitty her day has been and how she's sorry about the bad mood she's in and a whole bunch of other stuff and I stop her.

"Look, if this is really about work, fine. But if this is about something else I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me."

"Well, it's 75% about work. The rest...I feel like I need some space."

(Immediate thought: I KNOW THAT! YOU TOLD ME!)

"Ok, I understand that, and that's fine. I honestly have no problem with that, and I've told you that. Have you noticed that I ask you to tell me when you want to hang out with me and don't pressure you? What I DO have a problem with is you making plans with me and then flaking out at the last minute. If you don't feel like you want to see me, fine. I have no problem with that. But really sucks when blow off my friends and wait for you and then you call me and tell me you don't wanna hang out."

"Really? Are you sure that's ok?"

Oy. Is she not listening to anything I'm saying?

"Listen, I'm the last person who needs to be rushing into a relationship believe me. And if you don't feel like you want to hang out with me, don't. You don't owe me anything. Do what makes you happy. The only thing I'm going to ask you to do is not flake out on me. If you do that to me all the time I really can't deal with it, and I don't want that to happen because I like you. You figure out when you want to see me and let me know and we'll see what we can work out."

"Oh. Ok. I didn't know that was ok."

"Ok well, it is. So just relax, make yourself happy, and if I get to see you every once in a while along the way great. If not, that sucks, but what can I do."

After that she seemed to relax and realize there was no pressure on her and really not much in the way of expectations. We chatted a bit as I drove and she got a laugh out of some of the things I was saying to try to make her feel better about her crappy day. So I start driving back toward Brighton to drop her off, park and presumably find some take out for dinner. She realizes this and says "Oh, we can go out if you want."

"What I want doesn't matter. If you want to go home I'm bringing you home."

"No no. I'm better now. You make me smile. We can go out. I'm sorry."

"Ok well, we missed our reservation, but we can go see if they can put us in a table."

We end up sitting at the sushi bar and having dinner with a few sakis. We again have a good time and good conversation. We walk to the car and drive back to Brighton. I get to her front door and slow to stop and let her out.

"I don't HAVE to go home."

"Ok, do you want to come to my place?"

"Sure."

So we end up in my apartment. My roommate is up when we get home so we sit and chat. She is sociable, which is a good sign, and quite frankly pretty important to me even though I really don't like my roommate all that much. The ability to be sociable to the people in my life can not be over valued as far as I'm concerned.

My roommate goes to bed, we have a few more beers and I say "Ok, i really need to sleep. Are you staying?"

"Yes."

Thursday there were no concerns about whether or not I was trying to get lucky. She left with me the next morning, with a smile on her face saying "I think I'm getting used to this. I just need us to take it slow."

"I know. We can go as slow as you want. I'll be gone all weekend, do you want me to call you when I get back to Brighton, or do you want me to hold of until you call me."

"No, definitely call me when you get back." Then she kissed me, I walked to my car, her to her apartment.

On my way up to the North Shore Friday after work the stupid Audi starts to stutter on the highway. I know exactly what's wrong because I really should have replaced this part a while ago, but the damn transmission cost so much that I just put it off. I pull off of route 1 and call AAA. "Where are you?" They ask.

"I don't know, I'm in a parking lot just off of route 1"

"Ok, what's the name of the business? I can look up the address."

"(So and So's) Liquors in Lynnfield."

"Ok, well, a tow truck will be there within two hours."

Joy. Two hours. But wait, I'm in the parking lot of a liquor store, and I'm damn sure I'm not driving anywhere. My day is looking up. I buy a 30 pack for saturday and a 12 pack to tied me over while I wait for the tow truck. I sit and wait in my drivers seat drinking and reading for a little under an hour when the truck shows up. I get a ride home and make small talk, call my brother tell him what's broken. He tells me he can fix it that night, I tell him not to bother, I'm going to be way to drunk to drive soon anyway.

My cousin calls me to see if I'm in town, I tell him that despite my travails I have indeed made it into town and have already begun my own personal party at my parents house. He tells me that his cousin (not related to me) is in town from Ohio, that she's 23, attractive and that he's promised to show her a good time. "My aunt and grandmother have been talking you up so you have to be charming."

Ok, well, apparently charming I can do, but even though I know it isn't technically weird, I feel weird about trying to sleep with the cousin of my cousin. At any rate, I arrange dinner with my brother, his new girlfriend, my cousin, his wife, my other cousin and his cousin from Ohio. At this point I want nothing more than about 6 mai tais so I suggest we get chinese and my cousin comes to pick me up at my parents house and we meet everyone at the restaurant. (Side Note: The cousin isn't bad. I wouldn't call her hot, but she is definitely a 1. OH! I haven't explained binary girl coding yet. My friends and I got sick of the disputes that always arise from rating women on a 1 to 10 scale. Someone always thinks a girl is an 8 and someone else invariably thinks they're actually a 4. This leads to issues, so we developed binary. Either you would, or you wouldn't. 1 or 0. It has simplified all of our lives)

We eat, and I finish up said mai tais. I believe it was only 5, but who knows. We head to the bar and stop off at the boat for a few cocktails before going. I finish 2 scotches and then we hit the bar. I'm drunk by this point and the cousin decides she wants to dance and needs someone on the dance floor with her. Well I just happen to be drunk enough to oblige. I was into it at this point, because she was lookin MUCH better 5 mai tais, 2 scotches and a few beers deep, but I was still not even considering sleeping with her.

My cousin drove us home (he was sober) and the cousin was not discrete about her desire to sleep at my place instead of his. 2 problems. 1, despite my massive alcohol intake and the foray into redneckedness in my near future, I'm still a little freaked out about the fact that she's the cousin of a cousin, and 2, I'd be bringing her home to my parents house. I haven't done that while my parents were home since high school, soooo not gonna happen. I passed out as soon as I hit my pillow, and the next memory I have is the next part of the weekend. To be continued.

Flakeage

2008-09-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Remember the little meet up E and I were going to have on Tuesday night? Well, let's just say it was...umm...interesting.

She told me the night before that she'd be calling me after she met up with her friend for drinks downtown. Probably around 9-ish. Ok, thats cool. Maybe we'll hang out, watch a movie. Something to that effect. So Tuesday night I clear my schedule of everything except for her. I sit on my couch and watch the Red Sox game, which is perfect, because I love baseball and it's been a while since I've had a night to just sit down, have a beer and some food and watch the Sox.

9 comes and goes with no phone call. If you've read anything I've written in the past few months you know what this does to my head. It sends it spiraling off into pessimistic "oh shitsville" and I become completely neurotic. I tell myself to relax. She's with a friend, it's taking longer than she thought but she will call.

10 comes and goes with no call, and the baseball game is all but over. Dejected, I walk into my room, throw on some gym shorts and lay in bed. I'm having flashbacks to C all over again. "I like you I really do." Then no call when it's supposed to come. I figure fuck it. I'm gonna at least hold her accountable. Assuming she decides she wants to respond.

I text "Have I lost you for the evening?"

She replies "Still at pool league." (she is in a pool league. She doesn't play, she apparently sits around keeping score. Whatever, either way it's irrelevant to me.)

I reply: "Sooo should I still be expecting a call from you tonight because if not I'm going to bed."

Her reply: "Well I'm probably leaving soon."

Finally I can't take the texting anymore and I just call her:

Me "Hey what's up? What happened?"

E "I'm still at pool league. It's running late."

Me "Ok, but remember you were supposed to call after you had drinks with your friend and we were gonna hang out?"

E "Oh my god I totally forgot! I'm SO sorry!!"

Me "Listen, I don't care if you have pool league. I don't care if you hang out with your friends every day of the week, but you made plans with me. If you forgot fine, but all I really needed was a phone call. I've been sitting on my couch waiting for you to call me since 9 o'clock."

E "I'll be done in 15 minutes. Can I stop by after?"

Me "Well, sure I guess. But hurry because I'm literally laying in bed about to pass out."

E "Ok. I'll hurry."

So she calls from my front door and I buzz her up. She apologizes and informs me that she's really not good at calling people. In another situation I probably would have been accommodating and and just said "Oh it's cool. Just try to make sure you call me next time. Or remember pool league before you make plans with me."

In yet ANOTHER situation I would have been assertive and said "That's really flakey and quite frankly pretty lame. How could you have forgotten plans you made less than 24 hours before?"

Instead I was just completely honest and told her how I felt: "Listen, I have no problem with you not hanging out with me. It's cool. I understand and I wouldn't even think of asking you to change anything about you or what you do for me. With that being said, when you make a plan with me, and then don't call me, all I think is that you've stood me up. And that is a really shitty feeling to have."

E "You really thought I stood you up?"

Me "Well what the hell else am I supposed to think? You made a plan and you were supposed to call me and you didn't until I called you. I don't really have a whole lot of prior experience with you personally to go on, but what experience I have with other people would lead me to believe that I'd been stood up."

No, I'm going to sound like an apologist right now, but this is 100% true. By that night E had been to my apartment 4 times. The first time completely shitfaced, the others not as much. Either way, this very night she had to ask me where my bathroom was because she didn't think she'd ever used it. Lets just say she has, and I don't live in a mansion, so there aren't exactly a whole lot of doors to choose from. Now, either she's a sly clever girl, far beyond the credit I'm giving her, or her short term memory isn't great. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I told her not to worry about it, but that in the future I would really appreciate a phone call in situations like that. She apologized again and we laid on my couch. She said she'd have to leave soon. I was caught a little off guard because she told me she didn't have work until late in the day Wednesday so it shouldn't have been a problem for her to stay over.

I said I thought she should stay. She said she really didn't think she should. I finally read someone right and said:

"Listen, I'm not asking you to stay because I'm trying to get lucky. You say you hardly know me and I see you twice a week for 5 minutes at midnight. It's kind of hard to get to know someone like that no? You sleeping with me doesn't mean we have to have sex."

"Oh. Well. In that case I guess I can stay here."

She stayed and left with me in the morning. We made plans that night to have dinner tonight. Let's hope she doesn't flake out again, because she's got about 1 more chance with that shit before I just quit.

In other news, I guess facebook isn't THAT horrible. Or is it. Erin said she facebook stalked me, so I found her and sent her a friend request. 2 days later she accepted, but had ZERO info up. Now, she either never had any info, or erased it before she accepted my request. Either is possible, and I'm sure you can guess which way I'm leaning. That's just the way I am. I wish I wasn't.

In still OTHER news I sent a friend request to The Boss because she popped up in the "people you may know" tab. She accepted and I saw that she was engaged to (let's call him) Timmy. "Hmmm..." I think, "The guy she broke up with to sleep with me for a few months was named Timmy." After further investigation (looking at her pictures) I ascertain that it is in fact the very same Timmy! She is marrying the guy that she cheated on with me and broke up with!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

This has sent my head spinning. I'm just....I don't know. I want so badly to call her out on it, but I know it is completely inappropriate and would be a horrible idea. But I just sit and think of all of the shit that she told me about how he was cold and unloving and this and that (not to mention enough of a douche that she cheated on him with me) and now she's gonna marry the guy?!

I don't know what to do. Suggestions are welcomed.

"I have to talk to you...."

2008-09-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I called E last night. I told her I was headed to Somerville to my friend's place to have dinner and do my laundry. (Back story: My father is a builder. He had an extra brand new washer, and my friend had a dryer with only washer hook ups. My father gave him the washer, there for I have inalienable rights to go over and do free laundry whenever I want.) Needless to say this isn't exciting, but the point I really had was to try to see her later on in the night when I got back. She says she's planning on meeting up with a friend because she left her camera at his house last weekend so she can't come, but that I should call her when I get back to Brighton.

So I go to my friend's house. (Tangent: I've realized that I always say "my friend" or "My friend's girlfriend" all the time and never give them names. That ends today. Needless to say, the names have been changed to protect the pseudo-innocent.) Let's call him Ham. Ham lives with his girlfriend, let's call her....Cheese. HA! Clever, I know.

So I have dinner with Ham and Cheese and do my laundry. 2 loads, whites and darks. (Side Note: I'm a bleach man. I know. I know. It's not good for your clothes or whatever, but your whites never get really blindingly white if you don't use it, and frankly nothing drives me crazier than dingy ass white tee shirts or socks, and it is worth it to me for them to lose a little of their life to look that way. I guess that is one of my little OCD's.) We watch the baseball and football games while I'm waiting for my clothes and get a little stoned.

My clothes are done. I fold the important ones (read: the ones I will have to wear outside of other clothes and am trying like hell to iron as little as possible) and toss the rest in the bottom of my basket. I thank them for their hospitality and head home. Drop my clothes off and go on the hunt for a parking spot. Now, normally Brighton isn't THAT bad to park in. I mean, I used to have to try to find parking down by Fenway Park and Northeastern all the time, so this is comparatively not that bad. Last night was the exception. I was driving around for about 20 minutes when I finally called E. She was clearly in a bar.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me. What are you up to?"

"Oh, I'm at Harry's with my friend Oliver. We're just finishing up trivia and then I was gonna call you." (Harry's is literally right across the street from my house)

"Ok well, I've been driving around looking for a parking spot for 20 minutes, so I should be home in about 20 more, so no rush. Give me a call when you're done."

So, I drive around for about 15 more minutes and finally say fuck it and park in the valet spot at Zocalo. I go in to make sure they're done valeting.

"Excuse me, are you guys done valeting cars for the night?" I say to the cute blonde bartender.

"Ummm, I don't really know. We might not be."

"Oh, ok. Well where is your valet, I'll ask him."

"Oh, he went home." This is rude, but I'm typing it anyway: Get used to being behind a bar sweetheart. I'm sorry but Jesus Christ, how do you not know if you're done valeting if you don't have a fucking valet anymore?! Despite how dumbfounded I was, I was not a jerk to her.

"Ah, so I'll be fine. Thanks, have a good night."

I head home to sort out my laundry basket. No sooner am I done hanging, folding the rest of my clothes, and putting them away than E calls.

"Hey I'm on my way over to your front door right now."

"Ok, buzz me and I'll let you up."

She comes up, we hop on the couch and have some small talk for a bit. She says she wants to have a smoke and stands up to go to my deck.

"I'll join you."

"Good, I kind of need to talk to you anyway."

FUCK!!!! ALERT ALERT!!! YOU'RE FUCKED!!!!!

Needless to say, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, but I try to make light and not show that I'm nervous, "You're not gonna get all heavy on me are ya?"

"Maybe a little bit."

Aye. This looks bad. Very bad.

We sit down, and I ask for a cigarette. I was a blindfold away from the perfect outfit for my coming execution.

"Ok." she starts, "I've been thinking about this, and this is really hard, but I'm going to say it anyway." NOT GOOD.

"I really like you." Nothing good ever starts this way. "And I really have a lot of fun with you."

"But..." I say.

"But...." Here is where the shoe drops. Here is where she walks out of my life. But at least she'd be one of the few that had the courtesy to say it to my face right??

"But I really need to take this slow."

The relief I felt at that moment is nearly incomparable. It's like the moment right after your doctor tells you that you don't have any STD's.

"I really like you, and I want to spend time with you, but I just can't rush into a relationship. I don't want to get into a relationship just because I want to be in one, or just because I think I want to be with you."

Ok, well the first part I totally understand. Makes perfect sense. The second part is a little more ambiguous to me personally, but whatever, I didn't think anymore about it.

"Are you mad?"

"Am I mad? Are you kidding of course not. This is the exact same thing that I SHOULD be saying to you, but I don't have the self discipline, or quite frankly the guts. I have no problem with this. We can take this as slow as you want to."

"Oh thank god I thought you would be like 'bye.' I just feel like we don't even really know each other. I'm so happy you're not upset."

"No no, this is absolutely fine. I'm sorry if it felt like I was pushing you for some kind of relationship. I was inviting you to hang with my friends all the time because of what you said to me the other night. I'm absolutely fine with this going slowly. Were you really worried that I'd be mad?"

"I was. I really was. I had no idea what to expect."

"Oh god, I'm sorry! No no, this is good. This is great. You have nothing to worry about ok? Everything is fine. I don't want to be the reason that you stress about things because that sucks, but I'm really happy that you could come to me and talk about this. I really appreciate it."

So, disaster averted I guess? I tried to make her understand that I really actually did appreciate her candor. You don't get that very often. (Side Tangent: I was telling my friend Ham about this today on G-chat as I sat around my office with shit to do. Now, Ham used to be one of those semi crazy, definitely hilarious college buddies who has since settled down because he's got this serious girlfriend that he lives with. He's still down for a good time here and there, and when his girlfriend is not around, but he's definitely good for a gem or two a week. When I was telling him about E's and my little conversation this is what I got: "She's just pullin back a little bit. She needs to justify the fact that she let you get your filthy paws on her holiest of holy's after the first date. Don't worry about it man, everything will work out.")

We sat on the couch and she said she had to head home soon because she had an early morning. I tested the waters.

"You don't HAVE to go home."

"No, I do. I have to be to work by 730, and I'd have to get up, go home, shower, iron blah blah. But Wednesday I don't have to work till noon, so I can stay over then?"

I guess I just found out what "taking it slow" is? Aye. I don't know.

So anyway, she's meeting a friend downtown after work for some drinks and then she's gonna call me. There is definitely a much better vibe coming off of her than the last few girls I've seen.

Random other story: She says she's dying her hair blonde. She has this beautiful naturally dirty blonde wavy hair that I absolutely love, and she's going to go completely blonde. If this were six months from now, I'd say something like "Oh but it's so beautiful now. You really don't need to dye it." But that's over the line. I just hope she doesn't end up looking like Brooke Hogan. Thats just too much.....but I digress.

Thanks for reading and posting.

Till next time.

The rest of the weekend...

2008-09-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to realize that my friends and I are pretty lame. We really don't party like we used to/should. For instance, Friday night I went to my friend and his GF's apartment in Somerville with my other friend and his wife (yup, I'm the fifth wheel, as usual) and cooked out and watched a baseball game.

I told E about this when I saw her on the street, but didn't invite her because I figured it was too soon to subject her to the middle-aged behavior that has become the norm for myself and some of my friends at times. She texted me around 1115 and asked if I was having a good time in Somerville.

(Random side tangent: There was the remote possibility the L would be in town this weekend, which complicated things. Again, I guess I'm not at the point where I owe anything to anyone, but at the same time I have this conscience that won't let me get away with crap like that without at least making me think about it. In the end L didn't end up coming, so it really made no difference and I didn't have to lie to anyone, which honestly was quite a weight off of my shoulders.)

I responded to E's text "It's pretty good, but I'll probably be home soon. Will you be around?"

"Yup, I will be home in 15."

So I left with my friend and his wife (they were driving, so I could drink) and got back home. I called E and she answered and she agreed to come to my house after she picked up a slice of pizza. I met her at my front door and she came up. She ate and we had a beer or two and got to talking.

me: what did you do tonight?

e: well, I was supposed to go this bbq with my friend oliver, but one got cancelled, and by the time we got to the other all the food was gone.

me: oh, that really sux.

e: no not really, I didn't really want to go to either one.

me: you should have told me you were doing crap you didn't want to do tonight, you totally could have come and hung out with my lame friends and me.

e: oh no, you didn't invite me because you didn't want me to meet your friends.

Now, this is an interesting statement. It could be legitimately defensive, or it could be a test to see how I respond. Either way I responded with honesty.

me: That is not true at all! I just didn't want to scare you away by inviting you to girlfriend things like that so soon! Are you kidding? I was the fifth wheel all night!

e: Is that true?

me: Of course it's true. I'd love you to meet my friends.

So we got to talking more. She said "I have a lot of guy friends, and that's been a problem for some of the guys I've dated."

Honestly, not a problem for me unless she and her guy friends are all grab assy and physical in a way that is inappropriate.

"I did the jealous boyfriend act when I was 17. I'm over it, you don't have to worry about it."

We got into a semi deep conversation about relationships and what had happened to her and myself in the past, and in the end it came down to this

Me: "Look, I really can't promise you much. What I can promise you is that I would never cheat on you, and that I will always be honest with you."

E: "I can promise you the same."

I've heard this before. L2 promised that she would let me know if she wasn't interested. Needless to say she didn't. So I guess we'll see how that goes.

She stayed the night. She had to wake up early the next morning for work, I kissed her at the door and told her I'd see her soon.

Saturday night I was going to meet some friends in Harvard Square, so I called her and left a message on her voicemail. She called back.

"I'm going to meet some friends in Harvard Square, if you want to come that would be awesome."

"I'm sorry but I'm really beat. I was planning on an early night in with a bottle of wine and a movie. (a veiled invitation to join her? you decide) But you go and have fun."

I went and got SOAKED!!!!!! Perhaps that had something to do with why she was staying in a.k.a. she's clearly more intelligent than me when planning for the weather.

Now, normally my neurotic mind would read into this that she was avoiding me, or whatever else, and to be honest, those are thoughts that I've had. They're not consuming me, but they're there. I'm guessing the reason that this isn't a bigger deal to me is the sex. I mean, she's slept with me twice, which could mean one of two things: A: she actually likes me or B: she really needed to get laid, and I was good enough the first time to get a second chance.

Now, B is definitely possible, but based on all of the things she's said about how she really likes me and how that's what she tells her friends, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume A is the reason. Again, WTF do I know. I think we all know how good I am at reading people.

At any rate. I'm heading over to my friends place tonight to do laundry. Long story. I didn't call E yesterday cuz Sunday is guy day when the guys come over and we eat like pigs, drink beer and watch football for 12 hours. Sorry, it's sacred. Call it church for heathens. I'm planning on calling her tonight to see what she's up to.

I hope she answers, and I hope I see her. But again, who knows.

If anyone else can read anything into what you've seen laid out here, please do, as I clearly haven't a clue.

Thanks for reading.

(Side note: I just started reading "I Hope They Server Beer in Hell by Tucker Max (Thank you yourgirlfriendisugly). Honestly, hysterical, but man what an asshole that guy is! If you want a good laugh (and you're a guy, because I'm sure the vast majority of women in this world would be more than offended) pick it up. Definitely the kind of guy I absolutely despise, (I call them hambones) but some if the stories are too funny to not talk about.)

"OMG I'm marrying you!"

2008-09-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, here's a quick recap of the date last night....

I had a missed call from E at 6 yesterday. Needless to say my neurotic brain thought the worst. I called back, no answer. Texted, and got a call back about 10 minutes later. Turns out her phone died and she had a bunch of voicemails and rather than going through them all decided she'd call me to see if it was me.

I met her at her door at 7 and we hopped in a cab to kenmore square to have dinner at Eastern Standard. (Random Side Note: I've kind of realized that she sort of looks like the girl from Heroes. Hayden Panattiere. (Thank you google.) I've never watched that show, but you can't get away from gossip mags these days.) At first she didn't seem as thrilled as I'd would have liked to be there. I asked her if she liked oysters, which she said she loved so we got a bunch. Had wine, and then dinner. All the while talking. I guess I was making progress, as she seemed like

she loosened up a bit.

We talked about all the normal first date stuff. Family, friends, all of that fun stuff. She was really actually fun to talk to once she settled in. She got up to have a smoke (which I have to say I'm not WILD about, but definitely not a deal breaker) and I joked "No running away!"

"Of course I'm not gonna run away. I'm really having fun talking to you."

I was caught off guard, because I was having a great time too, but you normally don't get that kind of blunt honesty.

"Are you not having fun?" She asked.

"Oh, no. Of course I am. I'm having a great time. Hurry back ok?"

She smiled and left to smoke. The waitress came with the dessert menu. When E came back I asked if she wanted dessert and she said she wasn't really in the mood, so I suggested a dessert drink.

"What do you have in mind?" she asked.

"I was thinking scotch, but take a look, they have port and..."

"Oh no, scotch is perfect!"

Wow. Don't see that every day.

So I ordered a couple of glasses of scotch and we sat and drank. I got the bill, paid and said "Shall we?"

She said, "Do you maybe wanna go grab a drink somewhere else?"

"Of course!"

We walked up to Match on Mass Ave. Walked through the front door and it was packed. She suggested we go somewhere that we could hear each other talk. I suggested the Otherside Cafe on Newbury.

"Oh my god I love that place! Let's go!"

We went, sat down got some beers and talked. Politics came up. She came with the "Are you a liberal?" "Nope."

"Oh, if you're a conservative we can't hang out anymore."

"I'm not a conservative either. I don't agree with either of them 100%, and agree with both on some things."

She asked me all of the controversial questions about abortion, gun control etc. Apparently my answers were good enough because she said "Oh my god I'm going to marry you. I can't believe I met someone who actually has intelligent reasons for their political stances!" She leaned over and kissed me right then.

(Side Rant: Let's talk economics for a second. Hey republicans, ya know how you wanna make tax cuts for rich people permanent? Well, you understand that the economy is going in the shitter right? Remember "stimulus checks?" Remember how it helped the economy? Well, if you STOP giving money to rich people, and start giving it to the poor and middle class THEY'LL GET A STIMULUS CHECK EVERY YEAR!!! HELLO!!!! If you give a 30k tax cut to a guy with $5 mill in income a year it isn't going to make ANY difference on how he spends his money. If you give a $1500 tax cut to 20 middle class and poor people they will spend it on groceries, clothes and gasoline, hence stimulating the economy. It isn't rocket science. Am I missing something here?)

Anyway, we left the Otherside and hopped in a cab home. She asked if I wanted her to come over. Of course we were a little drunk at the time, and i obviously wanted her to come over. In the cab she crawls on my lap for some sloppy make outs. The cab driver told her she needed to sit down...too bad.

So we get to my place, go on the roof deck for a smoke and talk for a bit. She asks, "Are you going to call me tomorrow?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I am. Now that I know you want me to I will definitely be calling you tomorrow."

We go downstairs and end up in my room. I sit on my bed, she sits on my lap, and...ummm....she left with me and waited with me for the subway this morning. She says "Ugh, I hope you don't think I'm a slut. I really like you but I feel like we shouldn't have done that last night."

"I can assure you I don't think any less of you because of what happened last night. When can I see you again?"

I ran into her on my way into the apartment coming home from work. She asked what I was up to, I told her I'm on my way to Somerville to hang out with some friends for a bbq. She told me to call her when I get back to Brighton, so there we are.

She seems like a pretty cool girl. Isn't offended by bad language or lame jokes and seems genuinely interested in me. She has some baggage, as do I, but where am I going to find anyone without at least a little bit of baggage at my age.

Oh, and here's a shocker: she's eastern European. Half Polish, half Greek. Aye. It's like a disease with me.

Anyway, until next time. Thanks for reading.

Every Intern's Dream...

2008-09-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, I kind of promised a story, which seems to have gotten some interest (princessB cough) so I guess here it goes. It's a good one, though rather long.

My 4th year of college I worked for an engineering company based in Cambridge as a co-op. So for 6 months I worked here, pretty closely with this girl we'll call the boss (though she was only 3 years old than me.) From the first day there I thought she was beautiful. About 5'5, blonde, beautiful blue eyes and a great figure. At the time I was not single. I was with the girlfriend that I lived with (2 exes ago who still can't talk to me even though we were in the same wedding.) She had a boyfriend too, not that anything would have happened.

So we worked together without incident, though I have to say there was more than a tiny amount of unspoken tension when we'd go out for post work drinks. When my co-op ended I wend back to school. During this semester I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 plus years. I got my next co-op job with a company that worked rather closely with the one in Cambridge on a number of projects so I got to see the boss every once in a while in a professional setting.

One Friday she asks me to come to central square to join her and my former co-workers for drinks. I say what the hell, I've got nothing else really going on and go join them. We hang, have drinks, shoot the shit for a while, and after everyone leaves it ends up being just her and I. She says "I'm going to Kenmore square to meet up with some friends if you want to come." At the time I lived a block from Fenway Park, and would have been going home alone to the apartment my ex and I had formerly shared, so I said sure, what the hell. We met up with her friends, 7 girls and 1 scottish guy, and hung out and drank. I shot the shit with the scottish guy (random side note: I wish I had a scottish accent. Honestly, if I had a choice of accents, that would be it.) Throughout the time we're hanging at the bar, I'm sitting on a stool, and the boss is standing by the bar table we're at. She gets closer and closer. At one point she's between my legs, and I'm thinking "no way." Ten minutes later she's on my lap.

Mind you, she still had a boyfriend at this time, so I had zero thoughts of anything happening between us. At the end of the night she gets into a cab back to the north end where her apartment was, and I walk home to pass out. Half way home I get a text from her that says "It's a good thing you're not in the north end right now." I reply "why is that?" Her response "Because I could get into a lot of trouble."

Now, I'm not proud of what happened next. In fact I kind of despised myself for it for quite some time. I responded "Well, I could be in the north end if you wanted me to." Again, I hate the guy that sleeps with another guy's girlfriend. In fact, I still really don't like that I did that at all. But I will try to justify it with the fact that we were both shitfaced.

At any rate, she says "Yes. Come to the north end."

I hopped in a cab on Lansdowne street and met her at her apartment.

We didn't have sex that night. We laid in her bed talking. Kissing. A little heavy petting I guess you would call it, but she was pretty adamant about no actual sex going on, which I was fine with. She fell asleep in my arms as I ran my hands through her hair and thought about how random the situation I was in was.

The next morning she woke up and said "I thought for sure I was going to wake up this morning and regret this, but I don't at all. That's why I didn't want to have sex with you."

I said "Honestly, I do kind of regret it. You have a boyfriend, what the hell are we doing?"

"No," she said, "We're through. I just needed a reason, and now I've got you."

"I can't be your reason for this ending. I would never forgive myself."

"Don't worry. It's not only you. This has needed to happen for a long time." And she kissed me, and we made love for 2 hours that morning. Honestly, some of the most amazing sex I ever had.

After that we had an interesting relationship. It basically consisted of us going out with our respective friends and meeting up at the end of the night for amazing sex. This went on for about 6 months. The semi odd part of it was that she wanted me to keep the situation relatively quiet, as I was still an intern with another company, and we worked together professionally. I had no problem with that. Hell, I was 22, sleeping with a stunning 25 year old, and still had all the freedom in the world to do whatever I wanted.

After a little over 6 months of this she sent me the email "I don't think we can do this anymore. I think you're great, but the whole hooking up at night thing just isn't working for me. It has been great while it's lasted."

I will be completely honest, I was a bit crushed. It was hard for me, because I guess I knew what we had, but I always wanted it to turn into more.

A few months later she called and asked if I wanted to hang out. By this time I had started dating my most recent ex. We weren't really serious yet, but I thought she was talking about the same type of relationship we'd had before and I didn't want to give up something that could be more than that.

Well, apparently I was wrong. About a year into dating my most recent ex I get an email from her, semi out of the blue, though we talk from time to time. She asked what was new, I told her about my new long term thing. She said she had found herself in a long term thing (with the guy she's now engaged to) as well. Then she wrote "I kind of always regretted that there was never more between us. I really wanted to date you and see where it went."

?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Talk about your all time miscommunications!!!!!! Jesus Christ! If I knew this girl wanted a relationship I would have dropped my most recent ex like a bad habit!!!!

And now here we are, 2 or so years later, and she's engaged, and I'm playing the singles game.....

I try hard not to think about what could have been, but it's tough. I want to be truly happy for her now that she's found the person she's gonna marry, but again, it's tough.

So there's the story. Shakespearean almost isn't it? I guess all I can do is feel lucky for what I had when I had it, and try to move on.

Hope it didn't disappoint.

BTW, E and I are going out in about an hour. Dinner in Kenmore Sq, and then who knows. I'm 100% improvising after that.

Wish me luck.

Till next time, thanks for reading, and thanks for commenting.

Black Hole?!

2008-09-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

So I'm blogging at work again. Why you may ask? Well because my office is empty and I'm the only one here....and there is a story to that.

So a professional organization in Boston, which I don't belong to, because quite frankly I hang out with engineers all day, I don't need to hang out with them after work to, gets tickets for a Red Sox game every year that they sell at a profit to fund their procedings for the year. My company bought tickets this year. I bought them last year, but wasn't on the ball enough to ensure that I bought a few for myself this year.

My company bought four tickets. One for my boss, one for another older guy I work with, one for the kid who is a member of the organization, and one for another guy I work with, we'll call him Fredo. So my boss is in NYC for business today, and therefore couldn't take the ticket. He told Fredo this, but didn't tell anyone else, assuming Fredo would offer said ticket to me and I'd go to the game. Well, Fredo didn't offer me the ticket. Instead he offered it to some random bartender who he met that gave him a few free drinks.

Can you believe this shit? So, some random chick gets a ticket that MY company paid for, my entire office empties out, and I'm left here on a beautiful day while they attend the Red Sox game. Fredo has a RUDE awakening coming the next time I see him, because quite frankly this is bullshit. I'm not sure if my boss knows about what went down or not, but I'm sure he'd frown upon fredo giving a company purchased ticket to some random bartender. I'm not going to tell him, but Fredo is going to hear about this.

To add insult to injury, when I bought tickets last year, I gave one to Fredo. We went to the game, and he spilled beer all over me. I have to be honest, Fredo is really wearing on me. He's moody, whiney and one of those guys who can dish out shit but can't take it without turning into a little crybaby.

So here I am. I am angry, but I would be much angrier if I hadn't attended the game last night. It was a whooping. And a good time. I'm deliberating on how long I really need to stay in the office today as we speak.

In other news, I still haven't figured out what to do with E tomorrow. I'm gonna call her tonight to make sure we're still on (YIKES!) and hopefully think of something fun to do between now and then. Again, suggestions are welcome.

In still OTHER news, the girl that I hooked up with that was friends with the girl from the boat this weekend (see below) sent me an email today. Presumably random because it said "I was thinking of you because J was up in Gloucester for the race." No mention of her engagement though....which is interesting. The story with her is, again, for another post. Maybe later tonight. It's a good one. Fun, tragic...and a bit steamy. Your interesting is piqued, you know it ;)

Thanks for reading.

Parade of Sail

2008-09-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

We finally won! The boat that I once worked on, and now crew on for the Mayor's Cup race in Gloucester finally won after 12 years of trying!!!!

It was an absolutely amazing day on the water. It was sunny and windy as hell. In fact it was a bit TOO windy. We had to dump half of our sail area so we wouldn't break our masts. And it's a good thing we did, because as we were passing one of our competitors prior to the race their top mast (smaller section of mast about 60 feet above the deck) snapped and came crashing down. A crew member near the rail missed having his head crushed, and in all likelihood being dead, by about 2 feet. It was pretty intense. I've attached a few pictures of the race below. I can't take credit for them all. One is a photo that appeared in an article in my home town newspaper, and one was taken by my cousin's new wife because I was busy pulling on ropes....

So needless to say after the race, and prior to the awards ceremony we...ummm...celebrated. As any pirates would celebrate we celebrated with obscene amounts of beer and rum. So we went to the coast guard station where the ceremony was. We were needless to say the rowdiest of crews. Our captain was awarded the cup. He promptly gave it to us, and we promptly filled it with rum and passed it around. I didn't have my camera at this point, which is probably a good thing since I at some pointed ended up wearing said cup as a hat.

At the ceremony I saw a friend of a girl that I had hooked up with for a few months the last time I was single.(A whole other story for a whole other time) She told me that her friend (the one I had a thing with for a while) was now engaged. Joy. Another one bites the dust I guess....I got her number and told her I'd give her a call once we all figured out where we were going to end up for the night.

We retired back to the boat and continued to celebrate and accept congratulations from our competitors. I called the friend and she came to the boat for a few drinks and we moved on to the bar, where we continued to drink and be the most ungracious possible winners. Give us a break. It's been over a decade. Hell when I started racing in this race I was 15. So yeah, big monkey off our backs.

I'm pretty sure the friend who's number I got was and has been interested in me for a while. She's nice enough, but really not my type. She's a boat person, and contrary to what you may assume from above, I really am not. Which isn't to say I don't like boats. I love them. But she is making a career out of it, and I decided long ago that was a life that I didn't want.

We closed the bar, and went home. I woke up this morning more than a bit hung over. Played 18 with my cousin and a nice older couple who were really cool. Had dinner with my mom, dad, aunt and her boyfriend for her birthday, and now here I am. I turned down tickets to the Red Sox game tonight because of dinner with my aunt, which I totally could have blown off, and because I really need to not get wasted, and it would be nice if I could get a decent nights sleep too....

E and I are planning to meet up on Thursday. I have to think of something to do with her. Just going to dinner is all well and good, but I need to think of something to do after. Any ideas would be appreciated. At this point I've fucked so many of these things up I guess I really don't have any expectations.

Till next time, thanks for reading.

(P.S. Average girl has decided that she wants to bash me some more and not accept my explanation for why I didn't address her comment. Quite frankly, I'm done trying to make her happy. Clearly it won't make any difference regardless. I hope you all don't feel the way she does.)

UPDATE:

2008-08-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

I called, left a message. She called back. We're planning to meet up next week because I'll be at a sailboat race all weekend.

Good times.

I kissed a girl.....

2008-08-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, I got a call from a friend last night who wanted to head out to the bar across the street to watch the sox yanks game. I figured what the hell. My apartment is a mess, but I can always clean it tomorrow. I met him at Harry's and we got some food and beer. His girlfriend was with him, which I have no problem with, and we hung out and shot the shit and watched the game.

His girlfriend said, "I think it's trivia night!"

I responded, "No, trivia night is Monday. Believe me I avoid this trivia guy like the plague."

Turns out it was trivia night because they had a party in the bar the night before and had to postpone it. I was THRILLED (sarcasm). She wanted to play, so we said what the hell, and got to it.

It was around this point that I noticed the cute blonde next to me (a lot of blondes for me lately? Normally not my thing.) Let's call her E. So we played, I got to talking to her about books, which was great because I read like a fiend. So there was a question about geometry. I had already told her I was an engineer when we went out to smoke together, so you would think she would believe me. She didn't. She put the wrong answer on her paper, and I bet her a drink that I was right.

I won. It was math...it really wasn't fair. I told her not to worry about paying up. I had plenty to drink already but she insisted. At this point my friend and his girlfriend were ready to go, so they stood up and got read to leave and I said I needed to stay with E to finish my drink and chat.

"Do you know that girl?"

"Umm, I do now."

"You're unbelievable."

(Side Note: Turns out my friend and his girlfriend wanted to "introduce" me to her roommate that very night, but she had to stay in because she had an early morning apparently.)

So they left, we chatted a bit more. The normal first time you meet people chat, but we got into some very personal stuff about her and how asshole guys had hurt her in the past. Needless to say I was incredulous to some extent, though I tried to contain my frustration with douche bags who would hurt a girl in the ways she was telling me she'd been hurt. I finished my drink and she hers. She excused herself to use the ladies room, and I asked the bartender about her, since she seemed to know him.

"Is she an alright girl?"

"Oh yeah she's great. We have some deep conversations every once in a while. But yeah, she's definitely pretty cool."

When she came back she asked if I wanted a shot. I said what the hell and we did a shot of whisky....yup, she is apparently a whisky drinker.

I offered to walk her home, and she agreed with a bit of excitement. She only lived 2 blocks away, so it didn't take long to get her to her door.

"So, I don't suppose you would want to give me your phone number?"

"Of course! Here I have a pen."

I took out a business card and wrote E's number.

"No B.S. I'm calling you tomorrow. I want to see you again."

She smiled, put her arms around my neck and kissed me.

"I can't wait."

So, we were both kind of drunk. Her moreso than me, and I'm reasonably certain that she wanted me to come inside, but I have some morals. She kissed me again, hugged me and then opened her door.

"I will talk to you soon."

I turned and began walking away. As I left I looked back and saw her looking at me from her door. I didn't turn back.

So here I am with E's number, and a TINY bit of a dilemma (a.k.a. my neurotic tendencies acting up again) I don't THINK she was too drunk to remember me, but nothing is impossible. So here I am, sitting on her number, being an asshole and not calling her because I'm having doubts about whether she remembers giving me her number.

Fuck it. I'm calling. I'm not letting my stupid obsessive thoughts fuck up something like this.

Wish me luck.

And we're BAAAACK!

2008-08-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, after some absence her I am. I apologize for not writing for a while. I think this may be the longest time I haven't had an entry since I started blogging. So let's recap the weekend shall we?

First, I left work Friday at noon. My boss decided he was going to give me shit for it, at which point I said "Well, I have plenty of vacation time, and since I haven't taken a vacation all summer, I don't think its really a big deal that I take a few Friday afternoons off. If you really have a problem with me doing so, then let's discuss it." We didn't discuss it, I left.

Got to Gloucester, got a haircut and went to parent's house where the reception was going to be. We have a huge back yard with a big lawn and a great place to have a band. I helped my cousin who was getting married with a few of the last minute set up things that he had to do, and then we left for the rehearsal dinner.

This was the first time I saw the ex with her BF since...oh I don't know, 2 years ago or so? She made a point to completely avoid me at every opportunity. Her boyfriend, however, was very friendly and we talked a few times, in a more than civil manner. Though that made no difference to her. We had dinner and drinks and the grooms brother (we've spoken about him) got up and gave a little toast. I didn't like it. It wasn't really personal or heart felt at all. He tried to be too funny, and really didn't say anything very deep about the bride or groom, which I guess is to be expected since he really doesn't know either all that well.

After dinner myself and a friend of mine went to the liquor store to get cigarettes and some after dinner refreshments for a little gathering at my parent's place. We hung out, and at the end of the night it was myself and the groom with a couple of cigarettes and glasses of scotch talking things over. He wasn't nervous at all. It was great. I'm not sure what I would have said if he was, because clearly I'm not the person to be giving advice, but he was calm, relaxed, and as far as I know looking forward to the day ahead. We toasted our lives thus far, and hit the sack.

The next day I woke up early to help finish up the last of the last minute stuff, and get my wedding attire ironed. (Yup, my mom ironed my clothes....she likes it though, I swear to god)

The groom got in my car and we left for the wedding. They got married on a boat, and it was honestly a beautiful ceremony. It could not have been a better day on the water. It was warm, sunny and windy. After the ceremony we went for a sail and had some drinks. Again, the ex avoided me like the plague.

So at the reception dinner was a bit late. During dinner I made it clear to the groom's brother that I would be giving the toast. I didn't write anything. I simply decided on a time (after everyone had a while to eat, but weren't getting up yet) got the mic from the band and spoke from the heart.

To be honest, I don't remember exactly what I said. I believe it centered around how the groom was always a brother to me, and how great it was that he had found someone so amazing and beautiful. I was self deprecating, in that I said "I'm clearly not one to be giving advice here," I do remember one thing that I said.

"It seems to me that the key to true and lasting love is never forgetting or taking for granted how lucky you are to have found the person that makes you so happy."

I thought that was nice. Kind of off the cuff, though I had thought about it before. Then when it came time to actually toast I realized that I didn't even have a glass. Now, I have a reputation as a bit of a drinker within my family, so again, in self deprecating style I said "And look at this, one of the few times you see me without a glass in my hand..." and my cousin (who is probably 12, blonde and female) ran up from the crowd with a glass of water for me. It was adorable.

Throughout the night people complimented me on how well I did, but the most important thing was from the groom. When I went back to the head table he stood up, hugged me and said, "That was perfect man. You are my brother. I love you."

So the night went on. The band was good. If you get a chance to see them in Boston definitely check out Elephant House. They're kind of raggae/hip hop type stuff along the lines of Sublime. Their lead singer has a great voice and is a really good guitar player. I danced my ass off, per princess B's recommendation, though they didn't play shout. It was fun, and as is implied by the fact that I was dancing, I was a bit more than three sheets to the wind.

So at some point in the night I get to talking to the ex's parents. They love me, always have. I designed a house for them that I never got to see finished. The whole time we were talking I could see the ex standing a few feet away eves dropping. It was pretty funny. So at one point the groom realized that he didn't have his check book to pay the band. He asked if I could run to his house and grab it. I said sure, but I am WAY to drunk to be driving. The ex's dad offered a ride and off we went. It was good to talk to him, as I haven't seen him in 4 years or so. When we got back I got the STINK EYE from the ex. Her dad caught a glimpse and asked me, "What's her problem?" "I don't know M. I don't know. But if you figure it out let me know."

Her mom and dad invited me over to see the finished house. Her mom saying "look, I know there's.....whatever, but I really want you to come see the house."

I haven't taken her up on the offer, but I may next weekend as I'll be in Gloucester participating in the Schooner race either way.

Throughout the night I had TONS of interaction with the ex's new bf. He seems like an alright guy. We got drunk and he got me stoned since I didn't have any weed. We talked a bit, but I really didn't get a chance to sit him down and just be like:

"look, you know you have nothing to worry about right? Like that shit was a LONG time ago, and its over and always will be. I think you're cool, but if you're uncomfortable with me around, I can understand. Just know there's nothing there."

Maybe another time....when I see him again in 2 years or so?

Anyway, the night went off without a hitch, and my father and I were the last ones up at around 230. We had a cigar, some scotch and a chat and went to bed.

As far as female prospects were concerned, it was kind or a tough situation. The groom's cousins were gorgeous. Right around my age and definitely my type, but with all the crap I had to do, and all the people I had to talk to I really didn't have a chance to say more than a few words to them. My cousin brought her roommate, who was absolutely stunning. Of course she was 19. That didn't stop my brother from shamelessly trying to get in her pants in front of the whole family, but I'm not shameless. My cousin introduced me to her with a wink and a nod, but I couldn't in good conscience do anything about it. We talked for a little while, and she was definitely giving off the "He's older and cute and I'm so excited he's talking to me" vibe, so I was nice and cordial, but I didn't make any moves of any kind, aside from helping her walk my drunk cousin to her car so she could give her a ride home.

All in all a pretty good weekend. Can't complain about anything other than the female situation really. So there it is. Thanks for reading, and I hope I haven't lost you all because it's been so long since I posted.

Till next time.

The weekend....belated

2008-08-19T15:24:00.001-07:00

Alright, so the bachelor party turned out better than I thought. There were some rumblings and grumblings about money and rooms, but I just completely disregarded it and had a good time despite all of that.

I lost my shirt at the tables. Too much money. To the point where I had to stop myself from gambling at about 5PM on Saturday night...with another 16 hours left in the casino. It was good though. I hung out with the non gambling crowd and showed them around the casino. They were newbies, needless to say, I'm a veteran.

Mohegan sun is an amazing place. Very easy to get "lost" but also has some great bars and restaurants. My favorite has to be Leffinwell's in the Sky casino. Anyone who has been to Mohegan has to know about Leffingwell's. There is a large "glass" mountain in the middle of the sky casino, above which is an active planetarium with stars, the moon, and active lights that imitate the dawn and rising moon. On top of the mountain, below the planetarium, is Leffingwell's. It has amazing comfortable seats and couches, and has views of the entire sky casino. If you haven't been, I would definitely recommend it. Check out the picture below.

I took a few of the newbies there. They had NO idea it was there, and were pumped when we got up there and got some great seats, smoked a few cigars and had a couple of glasses of scotch.

Now, after many questions and much debate to check with the crowd to get some buy in on strippers, the general consensus was that it isn't a bachelor party without strippers. So I made a phone call. Scheduled 2 girls to come at midnight. I collected the money and got everyone in the room at about 10 of 12 for the show. Right about then I got a phone call from the "driver" saying one of his girls had gone home sick. Ok, I said, what can you do for me? "Well, I can have 2 girls for you at 3AM or 1 girl at 12." I said 1 girl at 12 would be just fine.

At about quarter past 12 I got a call from a different "driver" who said "I have two girls for you, I just left Providence I will be there in a half hour." Now, anyone who has driven from Providence to Mohegan Sun knows that it take at least an hour, so I called him on it.

"My GPS says 40 minutes"

"Well, your GPS is wrong. I've made that trip at least 5 times and it has never taken less than an hour. So what, you'll be here at like 130?"

"No guy, I'll be there at 1230."

(I fucking HATE it when people call me "guy" or "Chief" or "bud" its trashy.)

"Look, I'm not an idiot. I know how long it takes. And you're sitting here telling me a half hour because you know if you tell you're gonna be here at 130 I will just say no. That isn't gonna work for me. What happened to the guy who was here with 1 girl for 12?"

"I don't know guy, thats not my fucking problem. You gonna flake out on my like a bitch or what?"

WTF????

"I'm gonna flake out on you? You're gonna be here an hour and a half later than you're supposed to. You're the one who's flaking out. Half of these guys didn't sleep last night, and honestly it's everything I can do to keep half of them awake, and the other half out of the casino, so don't start giving me shit cuz you guys fucked up."

The whole time two friends are watching me have this conversation. At this point they're both like "fuck this guy, cancel."

"Ya know what man, forget about it. I'm not waiting till 130, paying you full price for a show you're gonna be an hour and a half late for. So forget it."

"Oh yeah? Forget it? I'm comin there anyway. I know what room you're in."

"Are you threatening me?"

"I'm not threatening, I'm just saying"

"Ok tough guy, well here's what I'm just saying. I'm sitting in this room with 10 other guys. You wanna roll up like a tough guy be my guest, but I would say it wouldn't be a great idea."

"Fuck you mother fucker. You think I can't get more action at Mohegan Sun? I'll get another show."

"Good I hope you do."

"Rather gamble than see some girls. You some kind of homo?"

"Go fuck yourself you piece of shit. You call me again and I'm calling the cops. You show up to my room, I take no responsibility for what 10 drunk guys do to your ass. Fuck off."

Thats when I hung up.

I walked out to the living room into the circle of guys expecting a show, and said "Well gentlemen, no show tonight. Go to bed or gambling." I explained the situation to my cousin who understood. Didn't look like he was too disappointed.

So I guess thats what you get when you're dealing with those types of people. They guy lied to me, then got pissed off when I called him out on it. Then when I cancelled he really freaked and literally was threatening toward me until I told him it wouldn't be a good situation for him to show up. Asshole.

I spent the rest of saturday night drinking like a fish until about 530 AM. Yes, the bars close at 130 at Mohegan, but since we had a suite with a refrigerator we had a few 30 packs that we poured into Dunkin' Donuts cups and walked around. A few people gambled, but even though I was completely trashed I restrained myself. At about 515 a friend of mine sat down at a table. Played for a little while, and then hit 30-1 on a 5 dollar bet. I said "Dude, walk away. You're up, the weekend's over. Let's go." We went to the suite and crashed till about 9 am.

I woke up, showered, checked out, paid. Drove two and a half hours to Boston just in time to make the Sunday afternoon Sox game and sit in the bleachers in 90 degree heat. Not the best experience, but since they got smoked we "upgraded" to seats literally right behind home.

I finished the weekend up by crashing at about 8 sunday night. All in all a great weekend. Would have been better if I won money and possibly saw some naked women, but I can't complain.

Next weekend is the wedding. I've run it by a few people and it seems I should be prepared to say something at the reception. I'm not worried. I don't care about speaking in front of people, and given the time I've got I can come up with some good stuff to say.

As I've said, I'm flying solo. My ex from 2 exes ago is in the wedding party. Should be interesting since she's got a jealous boyfriend type who doesn't really like me. I'm sure he'll be giving me the evil eye all night. Becky told me I should dance with the ex just to piss him off, but I don't want to cause the drama that I know would be caused if I even had the gaul to ask.

Till next time.

(BTW, I'm glad people are kind of realizing that I'm really not a douche and didn't really deserve the "Worst Blogger of the Year Award." Your support doesn't go unappreciated. I truly don't mean to offend anyone, and again don't mean to hurt feelings. Thank you all for reading.)

Seriously?

2008-08-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I want to thank PrincessB for calling my attention to my first known blog bashing. Seems AverageGirl felt slighted that I didn't address her comments directly. I tried to explain it in a comment on her page, but let me delve in a little more here.

First of all, it's pretty lame to give a "Worst Blogger of the Year Award" to anyone. Period. Now, my blog is very personal, as anyone who reads it can tell. I try to address comments as much as I can, as quickly as I can. I admit that I miss some. I admit that I don't address them all. If anyone else out there feels slighted by this, I apologize, but honestly, you all know how hard it is.

Now, according to AverageGirl it seems that the comment she left on this post is the one that makes her the most upset. This is not a posting that I ignored. This is not a posting that I didn't want to address. The real reason why I didn't say anything is specifically because it was personal, and because she did seem to struggle with whether or not she should post it. Rather than call attention to something like this, and address it in an open blog, I avoided doing just that. Again, if AverageGirl was upset about this, I apologize, but rather than inquire as to my reasons for doing what I did, she trashed me on her blog.

I'm going to try to be nice about this, but honestly, is that not a TINY bit immature? If you have an issue with me, tell me. I'm not sitting here bashing you because you gave me the "Worst Blogger of the Year Award." Hell I won't even criticize your blog in this space, because that isn't what I do. But do myself and everyone else a favor and take 5 seconds to figure out what people's motivations are behind what they do before you trash them in your blog.

If you read my opening statement post, this is the exact kind of "harsh B.S." I was talking about. I know it's your blog, and you can write whatever you want, but I obviously feel differently than you do about this situation, and would appreciate you keeping it civil and not writing things like "Excuse me Mr. I am looking for info on how to land a wife." It is immature, vindictive and quite frankly inaccurate.

I'm sorry I've lost a reader because I didn't bring attention to a comment I wasn't sure it was appropriate to draw attention to. If the rest of my readers have such feelings about me or what I write I would appreciate you letting me know before you insult and berate me on your blog.

Post about the weekend to follow.....

Pre-Weekend

2008-08-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

So I will be in CT at a casino this weekend for my cousin's bachelor party. He's my age, and yes, getting married. Needless to say not helping my fragile mental state at this point. I planned this bachelor party, though I'm not the best man. Now, normally stuff like this wouldn't bother me. I know that deep down I'm the best man, but due to family political B.S. he can't say that because he has a brother. So rather than just call me the best man, there is no best man, and yet I'm stuck with all of the best man duties.

I agreed to plan the bachelor party, even though there are 4 other members of the wedding party who by all rights should be just as responsible for this shit as I am. Now, one would think that these people, with ZERO responsibility, would at least be amicable, make a suggestion or two, or in some way shape or form go out of their way to make this whole process easier for me. Well needless to say the opposite is true.

A month ago I started making the roll call. How many people are going to come to the casino is clearly important, as I will have to get hotel rooms to accommodate everyone. Did any of them get back to me? No. So I called them all again. They were all concerned about how much it was going to cost. Ummmm, it's a bachelor party, we're getting hotel rooms. If you wanna be a lame cheap ass, thats all you have to worry about paying for. Again, would any of them commit to coming? No. I had 5 confirmed people at the beginning of this week, so I got 1 suite at the casino. Wouldn't you know it, throughout the week 7 more people decided to get back to me and say they were coming. Needless to say by Wednesday of this week the hotel was pretty much booked, unless I wanted to spend $600 a night on a room, and with these cheap asses that wouldn't be a good idea. So we have 1 suite for 12 people. It's big, there are a few beds and a few rooms, but honestly, too small for this many people. And I'm going to hear shit for it all weekend, no doubt.

Now, last year I went to a bachelor party at the very same casino. But it was completely different. We were all well employed and not terribly concerned about spending a little bit of money. So we did. We saw a show, a preseason basketball game, dropped $1500 on dinner and played 18 holes of golf without anyone saying boo. Now, I would buy tickets to a show, reserve seats for dinner and some golf, but honestly, these kids more than likely can not afford any of that shit, and if I assume they can, and they can't I'm the asshole. So here I am, left with ZERO plan, aside from getting all of their asses to a casino for the weekend. And once again, if everyone doesn't have fun, I will hear shit for it all weekend. No doubt.

So that shall be fun. Or not. Quite frankly at this point I could not care less. If anyone has the balls to complain, which someone will, I will answer, "Well, you could have planned the bachelor party, but you didn't. Don't like it? Fuck you." Am I bitter? Yeah, I would say a tiny bit. But there's really nothing I can do about it, and that's what I keep telling myself.

Next weekend is the wedding. I'm in it. Gotta dress up. YAY! I guess it's an "honor" to be in a wedding. I don't know. I should be the best man, and my cousin can't make me the best man because he thinks his brother will get pissed. Well, maybe his brother should have thought about that shit when he wasn't around for most of his child hood, and I was.

Which brings up an interesting point that I hadn't thought about until just now. Who the hell would be my best man? Assuming I ever actually find someone to marry....but I digress. I'm much closer to my cousin than my brother. Honestly, my brother has kind of been a lying stealing prick to me my whole life, so why should I be expected to make him my best man based solely on the fact that we have the same parents? Thats a stupid reason. And then would I just do it to placate my mother and the rest of my family, rather than doing what I want. Maybe it would teach him a lesson. i.e. you can't be a complete douche bag asshole to someone their whole life and expect them to think you're their best friend, even if it is your brother. That is a lesson he needs to be taught, believe me.

So yeah. What should be excitement for a weekend that should be a really good time is essentially a mild sense of dread for the impending shit storm that I'm sure to face. Unhealthy at best, depression at worst.

I need a fresh start. I need to find some new friends, but I really have no idea how. How bad is that? Making friends has never ever been a problem for me. The problem is, at this point in my life the opportunity to do so just isn't there. I work with 6 people. 4 are old and have kids. The one guy who is close to my age is alright I guess, but he's another of those "I live with my girlfriend so I have to be a grown up and I'm not going to have the kind of fun I used to even though she wouldn't care" types. That KILLS me. The people who get exponentially lamer when they move in with their girlfriend, and blame it on said girlfriend, even though I'm sure she's dying for any reason to get their ass out of the house. Hell that is all of my friends. Everyone is settled with a girlfriend. Though I shouldn't talk. I've been that guy. It wasn't all me though. My ex had a REAL problem with me doing shit without her. My roommate isn't settled with a girlfriend (if he ever finds a girl who can deal with him, god bless her), but he's a miserable douche so he doesn't really have any friends, let alone a girlfriend. On the one hand sad, on the other hand, stop being a miserable prick and maybe someone will be able to stand you for more than 4 seconds ya know?

It all just gives me an amazingly hopeless feeling at times. Not good. This is the "rut" that I keep writing about. I'm trying like hell to get out of it, but I guess I'm just not creative enough to figure out how short of moving to the west coast or NYC, which I really don't want to do no matter how healthy it may be.

Anyway, probably won't be posting till Sunday at the earliest, so have a great weekend, and wish me luck. Thanks for reading.

Why do they call it a Soap Box?

2008-08-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I see L2 on g-chat every day. Today I had this overwhelming urge to hop on g-chat and call her out for being so fucking lame. Then I realized that doing so would make me just as lame as she is, and I restrained myself. Kind of a catch-22 (notice how I worked the reading in there? huh? you know you loved it!) As for your comments Susie and Voiceinmyhead? Well, I will say this, if someone doesn't call after 2 dates or less, and doesn't give you the courtesy of saying "hey I'm all set" I guess that really isn't as bad. With C it was far more than that, obviously. We had seen each other numerous times and had spent many nights sleeping together, so I think I deserve the courtesy of a phone call. If I'm way off, let me know. But I've been thinking about the whole "wanting a girlfriend too much" statement and I have to say you're probably right on. Though I will say this, I don't think I'm trying that hard. I really don't. Yes, I'm taking girls to dinner, and being "charming" (Note: charming is in quotes because honestly I don't even know how exactly you define the term, but I've been called it on more than one occasion) and showing interest, but I'm really not pushing the whole relationship thing with any of them. I'm not awkward, I'm not desperate. I just take stuff personally I guess, and yes, I am probably wanting a girlfriend too much. But dating. Dating sucks. Which may have something to do with the whole wanting a girlfriend thing.

So my personal life at this point isn't terribly interesting, so I figured I'd hop up on my soap box and tell you all how I feel about stuff you don't give a crap how I feel about.

First, the olympics. I love the olympics. It is competition at its finest, if not fairest. I saw a female german swimmer the other day who looked more like a man than I do. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but it just didn't seem right. Also, how about the Chinese "women's" gymnastics team? Can we just call them what they are? The Chinese tweener's gymnastics team? There are a few of those girls who look so young that if they are over 16 I will eat my shoe. It's nonsense. And someone at some point is going to have to explain to me what exactly it is about Michael Phelps that makes him SO much better than everyone else. I mean, it's not like he just barely wins, he's KILLING people, and breaking every record on the way.

Now Russia. Russia decided last week that it was going to invade a sovereign nation. Their reason? To protect Russian citizens living in that nation from the government of that nation. (Side Note: If you want to see why Russian citizens have no problem voting for corrupt power hungry politicians and putting them into power over and over read what they get for news.) Sounds familiar doesn't it? So is anyone surprised when it rings a little hollow for Mr. Bush to admonish them for doing it?

This is the side effect of America's recent foreign policy that no one thinks about: Why would you expect anything other than to be laughed at when you try to tell one country not to do what you did only a few years before? We, as a country, are essentially a laughing stock not to be take seriously on the global scale because of this administration. Even if we grew the balls to do something about it militarily we couldn't because all of our military resources are tied up fighting a war we never should have gotten into in the first place. Thanks republicans. So much for walking softly and carrying a big stick. We're pretty much blusterous buffoons with a toothpick at this point.

And the most amazing part? The polls in the coming election show a statistical dead heat between a guy who legitimately wants to steer us away from what is failed policy in every sense of the world (domestic and foreign) and a guy who as essentially said he is going to carry on doing exactly what George W has done for the last 8 years. How the hell does that work? W's approval rating is at 20% or so, and somehow 44% of the country is going to vote for W junior??

HEY MISSISSIPPI, ARKANSAS, OHIO, MONTANA AND ALL YOU OTHER CONSERVATIVE MORONS!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!!

If John McCain is elected president it isn't gonna be good. Hey, I've got an idea, ya know how oil is really expensive and running out? Well, instead of investing money and giving tax breaks to people to figure out how we can do everything without oil, lets give tax breaks to oil companies and drill for oil in the ocean. That will solve our problems.

Who are you people?!?! It is simple! You rely economically and socially on a substance that is going to be GONE. There won't be any more of it at some point. So instead of figuring out how to survive without it you live in this pipe dream of a world where you think you can just keep drilling and finding more. Am I missing something here?

God help us all.

Vote Obama. Since I live in Massachusetts (which Obama will win regardless of me) I might just vote for Bob Barr because he is running on a platform of eliminating some of the useless bureaucratic morons that are wasting billions of dollars of our money every year on shit like a $20,000 toilet seat and a museum about sod.

Here is where I step off of my soap box. Thanks for reading and commenting, you guys are the best. Till next time.

Again....

2008-08-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm getting better about it, I swear to god, but it is really hard to not take it personally when someone essentially decides they want nothing to do with you. I'm getting the same advice from all sides: She isn't reaching out, you're wasting your time. In my head I'm still dumb enough to believe that there is more there. Clearly my head isn't the one I should be listening to, because everyone else is clearly more detached and objective than I can possibly be. I told my friend Becky about the situation with the weekend and L2 and she said the same exact thing that the girls at the bar, and voiceinmyhead are saying: walk away.

So here it is, laid out there: Since I've been single I've been on actual dates with 4 different girls, 2 of which pulled the old "I'm just going to disappear from the face of the planet rather than be mature and tell you I'm not interested." One told me I was a great guy, but that she hadn't moved past her last relationship (whether that is true or not is of little consequence to me. At least she had the courtesy to tell me she wasn't interested.) And one is a 20 year old Russian who got raped a few months ago, and who's visa expires in 3 weeks. What am I doing wrong?

It's so weird, because when I do go out with people it isn't like there are awkward silences, or that they are dying to get out of the situation they're in. 3 of 4 have actually moved beyond just dinner and a movie to more....umm...intimate things. And yet, after a few dates, they're gone. Clearly I'm doing something wrong here. It sucks because I can't ask what I'm doing, and even if I did I more than likely wouldn't get an honest response to that question. So here I am, left to try to figure it out on my own.

It sucks. And unfortunately I've lost the self confidence I once had that would lead me to think "I'm a good guy. These girls don't know what they're missing out on. Their loss." Instead I sit here and think "What the hell is wrong with me??"

I mean, am I perceived as damaged goods because I've been in two long term relationships? Am I not "edgy" enough? Should I act like more of a douche bag instead of being the nice guy that I am? What women want in a man is utterly outside my grasp of understanding. I'm educated, have a good job, have good friends, am social, I've been told I'm good looking, though I would never say that about myself. I don't get it. Should I just quit my job and be a stoned slacker? It's maddening to try to figure this stuff out. ANY insight would be huge, but asking my readers to decipher the female psyche MAY be asking a bit much.

So this weekend was pretty good. After VT on Friday night Saturday night's festivities were in serious doubt for me. I was HUNG OVER. Badly. So after getting home I caught a few hours of sleep (sleeping on a couch from 3AM till 9AM is far less restful than you would think.) I got up and had a few messages on my phone. One from L saying she was on her way to Boston. Another from my friend who's house we were all hanging out at asking me to pick up BBQ sauce on my way over. I did her one better. I got BBQ sauce, but also got shrimp, mussels and various fixings to add to the BBQ. L is a pseudo vegetarian, in that she eats fish, so this was a

HUGE deal for her. She came with a few friends who were SUPER impressed that I could season and skewer shrimp for the grill, and make steamed mussels. (Steamed mussels=easiest thing ever to make. One onion diced, 4 cloves of garlic halved. Put about half a cup of white wine in a large pan. Simmer the onions and garlic for a minute or two, then turn up the heat and throw in the mussels and some basil for about 5 minutes and you're done)

So we started the night off with some BBQ then ended up in Harvard Square at Charlie's Beer Garden. (Note: It wasn't nearly as good this time as the first time we were there. It was PACKED with hipsters in tight pants. Not my scene.) While we were at the bar, L and a friend were trying to get the bartender's attention. It was a female bartender, and the last time we were at Charlie's she definitely gave me the eyes and served me immediately every time I strolled up to the bar, so after L and her friend stood there for about 5 minutes I said "Let me try, the bartender likes me." With a wink. I stepped up, caught her eye, and got drinks immediately. The girls were dumbfounded, but I assured them if the bartender was a guy the opposite would be true.

We hung out and drank at the beer garden for a while and then were ready to go. As people were getting into cabs I stole L, got her in my own cab and took her to Brighton. She quickly realized we weren't going to the same place we came from and asked me what was going on. I told her and she had a little mini freak out for a second. "I didn't tell them I was leaving! They're gonna think I got murdered!" I assured her they weren't going to think that, but I called anyway to tell them I had kidnapped her. She relaxed after that and we had drinks on my roof deck while we smoked and looked at the city.

We had an amazing conversation. I really haven't thought of L as a potential girlfriend at all because she lives in Hartford, and I really am not thinking of her that way now, but she is really cool, and actually very smart and up on current events, which is pretty refreshing. There is nothing worse than referencing a major world event that is going, only to have the person you're talking to stare blankly with no idea what you're talking about.

So at this point I was about 5 scotches and probably 8-9 beers deep, and L had finished half a bottle of Sky on her own, so needless to say we were both DRUNK. We went inside, I used the bathroom and came out to find L in my bed with no clothes on.

We didn't have sex. Well, I should say, I don't remember us having sex, though I didn't really have the balls to ask her the next day whether we had or not. That would have been BAD. But honestly, I really don't care. It was great to wake up with her with her head on my chest sleeping comfortably. That is probably one of the things I miss the most. Waking up with someone in my arms.

The next morning I brought her back to Somerville where all of her friends were, where she and I both took the appropriate amount of shit for slinking away in the night. We were going to head out to breakfast before she and her friends headed back to CT, and I was planning to join, but by the time everyone got mobilized and we got to the diner there was a huge line and I had to make a tee time. I left without saying good bye, like a complete asshole, but there were circumstances involved that made it so it would have been tough to get to her.

I texted her last night to apologize for not saying good bye and tell her it was great to see her. She said no worries, and that she was happy that she got to see me again too. I told her to come back to Boston soon so I could kidnap her again. She said she was sure that she would be back soon.

So here I am. I have one girl who wants nothing to do with me, and another who could be perfect for me if she didn't live 90 miles away.

Once again, this is the story of my life. Super.

Till next time.

Mission: Failed

2008-08-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

So I was in Vermont last night. Went to hang out with a friend, and get out of the city. Went out to a few bars in Brattleboro. Downtown Brattleboro, VT has a bunch of pretty good bars. So I called L2 on Thursday night, and got the two ring, straight to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. Not sure if it was cuz she didn't have service, was on the phone or just sent it straight to VM when she saw it was me. So I went to bed and didn't think about it. Friday I talked to my friend Becky about it and told her I was just about done dealing with this girl. She asked if I left a VM and I said no, and she suggested that there are a million ways she could have missed the call and that if I didn't leave a VM she may not even have known that I called. So last night I figured what the hell, I'll give her a call. I went out to the sidewalk and made the call. She didn't answer and I left a message.

She texted m a few minutes later with a text that said: Hey, whats up?

I didn't know how to respond to that so I asked for advice from the girls that we were hanging out with. An overall consensus was reached and I replied: Not much, I'm in VT. What is up with you?

Her response: Enjoying the weekend.

Now, the fact that I actually got a response or two means something to me, but all of the girls that we were hanging out with said "She's not interested. You're wasting your time"

So I didn't respond last night. It seems that the girls we were hanging out with and voiceinmyhead are basically reaching the same conclusion. So I guess I just stop trying at this point? I dunno.

Another girl who wants nothing to do with me. Becoming the story of my life.

Tonight L is in town. Going to go do some bbq-ing at a friend's house and then maybe head out to Harvard Square for some drinks depending on the weather. Should be a good time, and at that very least keep my mind off of L2.

For Example!

2008-08-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Quickly becoming one of my new favorite comics!

Check it out here: http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=9

http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=64

Right back at cha!

2008-08-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Work today was interesting. It was my first experience with handling passive aggressive bullshitting. I got called from the DC office, and it was a conference room full of my project manager on both the DC and Baltimore jobs, the woman who does nothing in DC and an electrical engineer. The woman who does nothing had set up this meeting and conference call, without my knowledge, in an attempt to pin the blame for her project being over budget and behind schedule on me. Why? Don't know for sure, but I can guess. I'm young, and I'm 600 miles away.

So the project manager starts asking me all of these questions, which for a time I answer as well as I can without throwing her under the bus. Why didn't I throw her under the bus immediately? Not sure. Guess I was just being nice. Finally he came to a bunch of questions about stuff I hadn't thought about in two months, and didn't have the pertinent information to answer, so I went on the offensive:

"Ya know what Andy? Off the top of my head I have no idea, and I'll tell you why. Ag (the woman who does nothing) hasn't responded to a phone call or email that I've sent her since the middle of June. I asked her to get me all of this information from Fairfax County on a number of occasions and never received it. After sending countless emails that weren't answered, and countless edits that weren't made, I went to my boss who went to her boss who did nothing. So I looked for other work. If you can answer my questions, I can finish this job for you in a week and a half. The only reason it is still sitting in limbo is because my conduit to the county hasn't been getting me the information I've been asking for."

That shut her up for about 2 seconds, after which she began to deny that this was the case.

"Ag, open your inbox. Or I could just forward all of the emails I sent to you to Andy. Either way, they are there."

She didn't say anything else. I KIND of feel a little bad, but honestly, I'm not taking responsibility for her not doing her job. No way.

I then proceeded to answer questions, and make suggestions that I had made before that were shot down. The project manager asked with regard to the vast majority of suggestions that I made why we weren't doing it. I said, "Ag, care to answer that?" She didn't. The only reason we weren't doing these things is because she said that we "couldn't" which, as it turns out, is complete bullshit.

In the end we're putting in the system that I was suggesting from the beginning that is cheaper, more efficient and simpler to operate. In the meantime I spun my wheels for 5 weeks trying to figure out a bullshit system for this incompetent douche who then tried to throw me under the bus when the project ended up turning into a piece of crap.

So work was good.

HA!

In other news, nothing from L2. I think I'll call her tonight. This is her last chance. If she doesn't answer, I quit. Voiceinmyhead, I think you're right on, but I just need the TINIEST little bit more evidence before I just walk away.

Here is my question: I understand that most people think other people are douches, or out to screw them, but how can you possibly know if you don't give someone a chance? It is understandable. I know where you're coming from, but I mean, I'm not out to screw anyone. And the last 2 or 3 girls I've seen haven't even given me a chance to prove that to them before they decided they were all set. Maybe I give off that douche bag vibe? I really don't know. Most of my friends and family would describe me as honest and genuine as far as I know. Maybe I have a douchey vibe when I first meet people? I mean, the thing I always hear girls longing for is someone who is honest, up front and not just trying to get into their pants. Thats me! Don't get me wrong, there are times that I'm not...umm...how do I say this without sounding like a pig?...looking for a relationship with someone?? But that is not the case with L2. At no point during the times that I hung out with her was trying to get her in bed even CLOSE to the first thought in my mind. I don't get it.

Ah, I don't know. Whatever. I'm much more resigned to the fact that there's really nothing I can do about it this time than with C. I'm not going to change myself or how I act to placate someone or make them think they like me. If this me isn't good enough for you, so be it. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not, only to spring the real me on you later on.

I have to clean my apartment. Why you may ask? Well, because it is messy. My roommate is a slob. And if I don't clean it, it will never get done. Because he doesn't clean. Never has. In fact, his luggage is still sitting in the middle of my living room floor from a trip that he got back from a week and a half ago. Yup. That's what I'm living with. I don't know about everyone else, but a cluttered messy house just makes my mind cluttered and messy. I'm not a neat freak or anything, but its just much more relaxing to live in an apartment that doesn't seem like its full of shit. The day we move out I'm going to fucking FREAK on him and call him out for the fucking slob that he is. But right now it's not worth it. It won't change anything, and he'll just act like more of a pissy little bitch than he normally does.

Wish me luck

2008-08-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

We've been avoiding this for too long

Luxury is temporary then its gone

I thought that we would happen

I guess I'm wrong

We'll say "Hi" on the streeet

And then we'll move along

I know this will be awkward

But not for long

Cause soon you'll have a new boy

To sing you songs

I will not forget you

Nor will I accept the blame

I will see you on Good Friday

I'm sorry I could not do this yesterday

And tomorrow I am I busy

And what it is I can not say

And Saturday's no good,

Don't you know there's a rock n roll show

So it has to be good friday,

Then it's so long

-The Black Crowes

Pertinent? This is why I love these guys. Download the iTunes Originals album (minus the talking.) I've been playing it for the last 2 weeks.

Wedding Rings???

2008-08-05T14:23:00.001-07:00

I realized something a little disturbing lately: I've begun looking at the ring fingers of attractive girls that I would potentially be interested in to see if they're hitched. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but really, it is.

It means I'm at the point in my life where there is a legitimate chance that women I'm interested in could be married. I remember college, high school, hell even a few months ago, that wasn't even a thought in my mind. Now it is a very real thought in my mind. Not Good. This means I'll be subconsciously thinking "You better get a good one before they're all snapped up!!" Don't get me wrong, I am all for a relationship (as I'm sure you could tell from previous posts) but to feel rushed to get into one? That can't be healthy. Plus my friends are getting married, my family members are getting married. EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!! AAAH!!! (pardon me while I freak out for a second.....ok I'm good.)

So yesterday my cousin, who is getting married, called to ask if I was bringing anyone to his wedding at the end of the month. Yyyyyyyeaaahhh....not looking good for that. Though L2 did get back to me yesterday after all of that, she didn't sound all that eager to hang out again. Here's how the conversation went:

L2: Hey sorry, what night were you thinking?

(now keep in mind this is about 40 minutes after I suggested we meet up. So rather than give her a night and make her come up with an excuse why she couldn't I said this.)

Me: Well, I've got a flexible schedule, so how does this sound whenever you think you'll have time, you let me know, and we'll work something out.

L2: Alright that works.

Again, I could be blowing this out of proportion, but she's definitely giving all of the "I don't give a flying fuck if I ever see you again." signals that I've come to know and love. I guess my point is, I won't be inviting her to come to my cousin's wedding. Again, I don't wanna put her in a position where she's gotta come up with an excuse why she "can't" come. Also, asking someone to hang with my family is not small task. There are TONS of us. It could be a bit overwhelming. Not that she'd come anyway.

So here I am. Contemplating other people's happy pairings/marriages, while I, again, deal with a girl who could probably not care any less about me. It sucks. Shall I start the internet dating debate in my head again??? Not yet I don't think. I think I just need to relax.

Work Blog

2008-08-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

Yyyyup, I'm blogging at work again. Why you may ask? Well, because I am the only person in my office today. Yup, that's right. I am sitting in my office. Alone. This is so strange, in fact, that I actually had to reassure myself that today wasn't some type of holiday that I forgot. Alas, it is not.

Now comes the moral dilemma. There is no one else here. I can leave whenever I want. It is 2 right now, and I spent the last 3 days of last week in a different city sitting in a hotel room. Am I obligated to stay till 5 just because no one else showed up for work today? That seems dumb. I mean, if anyone deserves a vacation it's me no?

In other news, L2 and I have kind of been g-chatting back and forth a bit today. I'm thinking there's nothing there. As I said, she did call me Saturday morning. Which made me think maybe she does want to hang out. However, 20 minutes ago I sent this:

so at the risk of sounding like a broken record
if you're not busy all week
it would be nice to see you

Nothing. Seems I have once again found the kind of girl who won't just say "Ya know, I don't think this is gonna work." Instead she'd rather ignore what I've written as if it weren't there. So lame and frustrating. GROW UP! I actually voiced this complaint to her one of the times we hung out. She assured me she didn't operate like that. Seems she was not being completely honest.

Again, I may be blowing things way out of proportion, as I tend to do, but honestly WTF? At the same time, I feel as though I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I've been keeping the Russian at arms length so as not to have her get attached to me without actually telling her why I'm doing it. But I think my situation warrants a little bit of leeway. It's not like I can be honest with her right? I mean, my honest feeling isn't really bad, but at the same time if I presented the actual truth to her it may be pretty tough for her to take. Understandably so.

So here I am. Stuck in girl purgatory again. A girl I may or may not be interested in won't give me the time of day when I suggest we meet up. I mean, even if she is interested, this reflects pretty poorly doesn't it? Aye. Once again I will reiterate my desire for people who can be honest and up front with me. Seems to be like asking for $1 million. It's not IMPOSSIBLE, but probably isn't going to happen. (Note to readers: If you are, or know someone who is the blunt up front honest type PLEASE let me know. I'm not desperate (yet) or anything, but I'm really getting sick of what seems like re-runs of a bad TV drama: Girl meets boy. Girl outwardly has a good time with boy. Boy thinks girl had a good time and would like to see her again. Boy tries to hang out with girl some more. Girl ignores him until he gives up (generally pretty quickly because boy is not the type to pitifully chase girl around.) It's really driving me nuts. And I really believe that if any of them took the time to actually get to know me they may think there could be something more. But what do I know. Maybe I'm an asshole and I have no idea.) The good news is that I'm not feeling bad about or for myself. I do have the stuck in a rut type feeling, but I think that is more the culmination of a bunch of things, rather than just the L2 issue. (i.e.. my shitty roommate, etc.) So I guess I'm making progress.

Anyway, I'm thinking I'm leaving work around 3-ish. I've stayed, tried to be a team player, and done more than my fair share considering. Plus it's not like I'm sitting here overflowing with work to do. In fact, as is evidenced by my blogging, I haven't got a damn thing to do.

In still other news, I'm not feeling the whole facebook thing. I mean, I can understand that some people like it, and it's a good way to keep in touch and all, but honestly, I don't feel like I want to invest the time that would be required to have a good, updated facebook page.

(Random cheesy philosophical metaphor: I feel like I'm alone on the boat that is me, in the ocean that is the world and life. I know that over the horizon there are the people who care about me. My family, (some of) my friends. But I want someone to share the boat with. I want to find that other person sailing alone that has a boat that is just the right size, and wants to invite me on board. Or vice versa. It just seems like that ocean is too big to actually run into that person. And that looking for them only makes them harder to find. So do I just find a beach somewhere and hope they wash up? Or do I keep searching? In the past the beach has worked, but the circumstances were different. Now it seems like there are even fewer people in the sea.)

Back in MA

2008-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the feedback on that last post. Though it is tough to really get a consensus from what you guys are saying. It seems like doing something like asking a random girl out on the street isn't necessarily out of the questions, but that there are a lot of caveats that need to be satisfied before you do it? I dunno. I guess the lesson here is that I just need to stop being a coward and just do it. We will see how, or if I deal with that fact.

Anyway, the weekend was alright. Didn't exactly go as I planned. First, on my way to Florida my flight was delayed for 3 hours. Joy. In the morning on the way into work my iPod decided that it was going to have a corrupted file, and therefore not work. No biggie, I'm flying Jet Blue, I'll have a TV for the 3 hour flight. I'll be fine. (Side Note: An old jewish man who I was talking to while I was sitting waiting for my delayed flight tried to make me promise him that I'd never get married. With his wife sitting right next to him....I told him that was a promise that I couldn't make, but that I was in no rush.) So, my TV didn't work. I sat on a plane for 3 hours listening to these two little brat kids scream, yell and cry for the entire flight. And it wasn't even like they were 1 or 2 years old. They were like 5 or 6. NO excuse for that. Sorry. If you can't control your 5 year old for a couple of hours then they don't belong on a plane. Just my personal opinion.

Got home Friday and played nine holes with my roommate. He is a miserable prick. The kid was on vacation in southern California for 10 days, and he comes back and all he can do is fucking complain. I mean honestly, what the hell? If I had a 10 day vacation in Cali I'd be happy as hell. Nope. Not him. All he could do was complain about random stupid shit, and his job, the minute he walked through the door. It's unbearable.

Friday afternoon I got a call from a friend who was in town from Chicago. She was at the Sox game and wanted to meet up at a bar after for some drinks. I said sure what the hell, and tried to rally some support to come with. I called L2. She was headed down to Faneuil Hall with some friends. I am all set with that scene, for obvious reasons. Called a friend who lives by Fenway who was definitely into going out, and another friend called and said he'd come out too, but that he had to meet up with another friend in the area, and that his wife was coming. No problem, the plan is falling into place. So we all meet up at my friend's place near Fenway, and all of the sudden the two girls who are there (one being my friend's wife) decide that they don't want to go out. Which means my friends can't go out. Which means I'd basically be going alone. I texted my friend from Chicago to tell her I was losing support, but that we'd be partying on his roof deck if she and her friends were interested.

Needless to say we didn't meet up.

Spent last night at a few bars in Davis Square. It was alright. Not ideal. I'd have to say overall the weekend has been a bit of a disappointment. L2 claimed she had friends from out of town to entertain, which I understand. It's all good. Assuming it's the truth. She did call me Saturday morning to ask if I'd be on the North Shore during the day. I was, but for like 5 minutes to help my friend get a washing machine (I know, I really need to start saying no to people.)

I got texts from the Russian on both nights. Friday night she wanted to come to my house at like 245. I assured her that wouldn't work, because much like last time I'd fall asleep before she got here. Yesterday she wanted to know if I had plans that night. I did, and they involved bars, which means they didn't involve her.

At this point I am feeling like I'm in a rut again. Next weekend promises to be fun. L is coming up from Connecticut, and made sure to text me Thursday night to tell me that I had to make sure I was going to be around. So there is that to look forward to.

Again, my time in the airport kind of made me a little depressed. It would be a lot nicer to deal with business trips and bullshit if I knew that at the end of it all I had someone I loved to come home to. The fact that I don't has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that hopefully that person is out there, and that I will find them sooner or later (hopefully sooner?) Single is fun. But lonely. Plus, as I've said probably 100 times before, I'm not surrounded by the kind for people that its fun to be single around anymore. They're all attached/married/living with their girlfriends. I don't even have a serviceable wingman, let alone someone who could actually be beneficial to go out with.

Eh, whaddya gonna do. Till next time, thanks for reading, thanks for posting.

WEAK!

2008-07-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, random post about how much of a pansy I can sometimes be when it comes to talking to girls. While it's fresh in my mind.

So, on the B-line home this attractive 20 something gets on the train and stands right in front of me. She looks at me, I look at her, we both smile, I go back to my crossword, her to whatever. As I intermittently look up from time to time, I look around, and then without fail back to her. We make eye contact a few times, and I think, if this was a bar, and I had a few in me I would totally talk to her. But definitely NOT on the train.

So we are going further and further out on the B-line and I start thinking to myself, "If this girl gets off at my stop I HAVE to say something." She did. We stood waiting to cross the street. I had my in. Did nothing. We crossed the street and walked up the sidewalk together. Again, I had my chance, and did and said nothing. I went straight, she went right, and I immediately began kicking myself for not saying anything. But did I go back and say, "Hey, I'm Nick. I know this is completely random, but would you maybe be interested in grabbing a drink or maybe some dinner with me some time?" No. I didn't I walked into my apartment building instead.

See, I have all these great ideas. I had something to say. I had an opportunity to say it. But instead of doing it, I didn't say a word, and missed my chance. Chances are she's got a boyfriend, or would be so freaked out by some random creep on the street asking her out that she'd just say no, but how the hell can you know if you don't even try??

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm more than disappointed in myself. Here's the problem. If you read above, as I said, in a bar, with a few drinks in me, 100% go. Sober, in every day life. No. That isn't good. Liquid courage is not the answer. I need to grow some balls and just lay it out there. No risk no reward right?

Then I start to question how I would deal with getting rejected, but honestly, that's just stupid. Who gives a shit if I get rejected? I sure as hell shouldn't!

Aye.

Girls, here's a question for you: If I came up to you after the above situation, would that be completely out of line? Would I just be that creepy/annoying guy on the street that you just can't wait to get away from? I mean, I'm no model, but I wouldn't say I'm unattractive. So if a decent looking guy asked you to dinner on a street corner, how would you feel about that?

Anyway, thats today's disappointment. Tomorrow I'm off to Florida for the rest of the week. JOY. I'll try to get an entry in somehow. We'll see.

Bad News....

2008-07-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

So, as expected Saturday turned into a complete shit show. 3+ hours in the sun, at a baseball game, drinking before, during and after. Lousy game, they lost. Seats were pretty good. So after the game we head over to Cambridge to catch the show. Stop on the way for a Red Bull and get to the Lizard Lounge a little early. Who cares, what the hell else do we have to do. Shoot the shit with Max (the bass player who's a friend of a friend). Send a quick text to L2 to see what she's up to. I know she's busy but I figure what the hell, worth a shot. She texts back the she's in NH and can't come (obviously).

So the opener is a band that doesn't have a singer. No one sings for their entire set and they basically play elevator music on an organ, a drum kit and a bass. It was more than a little bit painful. I feel bad saying it, but honestly unless you're like this super awesome jazz band (which they indeed were not) get a singer and don't play elevator music. I had been in the sun drinking all damn day and it was everything I could do to try to stay awake.

The Amity Front came on and played a good set. We were right next to the "stage" at the Lizard Lounge (which means just off of the carpet where the musicians stand) and got a little friendly chat going with Max and the guitar player between songs. When their set was done we urged them to play an encore, but they informed us that they were not allowed. The band that followed had their amps and distortion too loud for a venue that small and basically blasted us out of our seats. This was a good thing though, because at this point we'd moved on from beer to shots of vodka. Thats right. Shots. Of. Vodka. Apparently the Russians are rubbing off on me.

I remember leaving the bar. I remember getting in a taxi, but that's about it. I'm thinking I MAY have given my cabbie WAY too much money. But I really don't know.

At any rate, I apparently made it home. I woke up with most of my clothes on, facing the wrong direction on my bed with my cell phone at my feet. I took stock of my situation. Wallet. Check. Credit cards. Check. Phone. Check. Phone.....fuck. Who did I call?

I had 10 missed calls from the Russian at 230 AM and one call that I PLACED to the Russian at 145. Details are sketchy, but I gather I called her and invited her over, and then passed the fuck out before she got here. I texted an apology the next day, and she said she understood and didn't care. I'm not convinced that is the truth, but in all honesty my transgression may be a blessing in disguise.

That is pretty bad though. I also found a call that I placed to someone I had NO business calling at that time of the morning, and I can only hope that she didn't pick up because I can't even imaging what I would have said to her.....The good news? No calls to L2, or anyone else that I really care about for that matter.

Million Dollar Invention: Cell Phone with a breathalyzer. This way if you blow above a 0.1 you can't call people. I would buy this. You would too. You know it.

Spent yesterday on my couch recovering. Feeling a little down about...well everything, but I'm thinking it has a lot more to do with the amount of alcohol I ingested this weekend than anything else.

Today I have to call all of my cousin's shit head friends about his bachelor party. I called them all 2 weeks ago and they were all supposed to get back to me to tell me whether or not they're coming. No one has. I can't tell you how much this irritates me. But now I need to call them all again and pretend I'm not irritated or mad or anything else. And if they're all cheap pricks and say they can't roll with the bachelor party plan? Well then I'm going to have to think of something else, because no doubt they won't be offering any ideas.

Wish me luck.

Day Game

2008-07-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

So just a quick update because I've been M.I.A. for a couple of days.

Hung out with L2 and her friends at a bar downtown on Thursday night. It was fun, and her friends seemed pretty cool. Not exactly the type that go clubbing, which is welcome news as far as I'm concerned. She and her friends were ASTOUNDED that I didn't have facebook. In fact, so astounded that she set up a facebook account for me that night on her blackberry with a wonderful picture that she snapped on her phone. So yeah, apparently I'm a new facebook member. I'll let you know how that goes.

It was cool to hang with her friends but I didn't really get a chance to talk to her one on one. I'm having a hard time reading her. In fact I am beginning to realize that I'm not terribly good at reading people at all. But again, I'm not worried like I was about C. I'm not gonna sweat it.

Sox Yanks game in a little while. I've had a few beers already. I'm getting prepared for a long ridiculous day/night.

I'm off to Fenway.

Go Sox!

My Name Is Earl?

2008-07-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

The overall outlook on the Russian, from what I can tell, seems to be that I need to distance myself from her, but at the same time try to be there for her if she needs me. This is all well and good in theory, but honestly, I'm having trouble figuring out how exactly to go about it. Monday night she texted me asking for a good night kiss. I lied to her. I am not proud of it, but at the time I couldn't think of anything else. A good night kiss would quickly have turned into a good night of her sleeping over. I told her I was at my friend's condo helping him paint.

(Random Side Note: I actually was earlier in the night. I was last night too. Will be tonight. When I tell people this they are absolutely dumbfounded. As if I'm saving children in a third world country. I told one friend and she said "what did you lose a bet?" When I called L2 (more on this to follow) and told her that was where I was she asked if I had taken the day off and if I was getting paid. I'm not. I have a friend who bought a condo that needed to be painted. He is not what you might call handy, and doesn't know shit about painting. I do. I've painted A LOT in my life, so the nice thing to do is help. So I'm helping. It's just what you do no?)

I haven't heard from the Russian since that text. I feel like I need to reach out. Penelope, your advice seems to be the common thread. I can't be what this girl needs right now and I need to figure out some way to make her understand that without hurting her more and making her feel like she is damaged and worthless.

In other news, I called L2 Monday night. She was at work still. At 9:15. Possible bad thing as far as a future relationship is concerned, but needless to say I'm getting way ahead of myself. She asked if she could call back later. I said sure, but at 1030 texted her that I was going to bed and I'd call tomorrow. She apologized for not being able to talk. I assured her it was not a problem and apologized that she had to be at work so late.

I went to my friend's last night to paint and was there pretty late. At about 930 I called and asked if I could call back later (the conversation about painting ensued.) She said fine and I called at around 1030. We spoke for a bit about how horrible it is that she has to work that late, and how this is her busy season (just past the end of the fiscal quarter?? I really wouldn't know. This isn't stuff that engineers need to think about.) I asked if she could possibly make some time for me at some point. She said she hoped so. Her Saturday is booked, which is good, because mine is too. (Sox-Yankees game, followed closely by The Amity Front at the Lizard Lounge in Cambridge. Good show, you should all go! (shameless plug!))

She is planning on meeting friends out tomorrow night after worked and asked if I'd tag along. A night with the friends already? Honestly, I'm totally cool with that. I want to see her again, and your friends say a lot about who you are as a person. (read C!!!) So that is the tentative plan at this point. She still isn't positive if she'll be able to get out of work but is supposed to let me know during the day tomorrow. (Side Tangent: If this were the C situation I'd be freaking out thinking she was blowing me off or whatever. I'm not. I couldn't be more happy about that fact. Honestly, this is how I normally react to girls. The C situation was an anomaly. I still haven't decided if it was because of how hot she is, or my recent break up. I wish she came along about 2 months later. I think I would have handled the situation better, but who knows.)

Work news: I'll be in sunny, hotter than shit Florida for 3 days next week. It's good because I pretty much waste 2 work days traveling. But again, Florida, late July? Gonna be hot.

Check out The Amity Front below:

Faces in the crowd?

2008-07-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the bar for the blogger meet up Friday, and JUST before I walked in the door I realized that I haven't slightest clue what anyone looks like in real life. I figured, what the hell, I'll stand there and look around and it will become obvious who I'm looking for. Not so. I got there right around 7. Stood in the middle of the place looking around trying to make eye contact with everyone in the room hoping to recognize someone or maybe get a "Hey you're a blogger, here we are." kind of look. Didn't happen. So basically I stood in the bar for about 5 minutes. Perhaps you saw me. I was the guy making awkward eye contact with everyone in there. I walked out to the deck to look around, and then left. I propose that the next time there is a meet up we make a banner. Or name tags. Or SOMETHING that would help a lost soul such as myself know who I'm trying to meet up with.

I'm sorry I lack patience. I'm sure if I stood there a little longer SOMETHING might have happened. Who knows. I hope the meet up went well.

In other news, I'm still completely lost about the Russian. I don't have any idea what to do. I can't and don't want to just drop her. That would be horrible, and add to an already astounding amount of bullshit that she's no doubt dealing with. At the same time I don't want to be the first guy she's with after that (which she told me I am) because there will no doubt be some emotional connection that I know I can't live up to. Especially with her living on the other side of the planet. Lost. Just. Lost.

As far as the weekend goes, it was reasonably uneventful. Saw my cousin from N.C. who is in the midst of wedding planning. And of course when she, my mother and her fiance (Note: I hate the word fiance. Won't use it in real life. I call all of my friends fiances "future wives") got together all they could talk about was wedding crap and babies. Needless to say neither is my particular cup of tea.

Spent Saturay on the beach with the rest of the family. I have a pretty large family so it is always a show when I get to see them. My cousin who is becoming an FBI agent was there, and it was pretty cool to talk to him about that, and what they're allowed and not allowed to do. (Not so Random Tangent: If an FBI agent pulls a gun on you, stop doing whatever you're doing. I was told, and I quote, "If an agent ever pulls a gun they are shooting to kill. Period." Felt like you all should know that.)

Sunday was golf day, and then I saw the Russian again. Bad decision. I need to try to distance myself from her a bit, but not in a way that will be too noticeable. Does this sound horrible? I mean, I want to help the girl, I want her to feel comfortable, but at the same time, as I stated above, I can't be her security blanket. It just isn't possible.

Today I got to work and realized that I hadn't called L2 since our little date on Thursday. ASS! She is totally going to think that I'm pulling the whole "wait a few days so you seem cool" thing and that absolutely is not what I'm doing. I'm going to call her tonight, apologize and make sure I mention that. I don't want to play games with this girl. I'm not playing games with this girl. I truly just forgot based on all of the other peripheral bullshit that I'm dealing with lately.

If any of you have ANY advice on how I handle the Russian situation, anything helps. Lynn, don't feel bad about your previous post. I felt the same way. It happens. This is one of those kinds of moments in your life that you never forget. I was the person after a rape. I AM the person after a rape. I feel for this girl. I've honestly been thinking about her for the past few days. Thinking what I can do or say to help. I'm realizing that there is really nothing that I can do. But I feel like I need to try. I need to do SOMETHING.

I just don't know what.

What do I even say??

2008-07-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last night was one of the most intense of my life. I guess I should start from the beginning. So I stayed at work late to meet up with L2. We met at the Salty Dog in Faneuil Hall (Great outside bar, if you've never been there.) I was there waiting for her and noticed a guy sitting there asking the bartender a bunch of questions about the area. I asked him if he was in town on business. (Note: My week in Baltimore has given me a new appreciation for the business traveller. I would have killed to have someone start a conversation with me when I was away.)

We talked for a bit about Boston, work and all that yadda yadda. So L2 calls me because she is hear and can't find me. (Side Note: For me this was a completely blind date. No idea what she looked like. Though apparently she had gotten a picture of me through my old high school friend who works with my mom, who needless to say was happy to provide a picture. Doesn't really seem fair.) I waved, and she waved back and walked around to come in the bar. The guy in town on business said "Wow, your girlfriend is beautiful." "Oh no, she's not my girlfriend. This is actually the first time I've ever met her. I had no idea what she looked like till just now." "No way," he said. "Seriously man. This girl I went to high school with set us up. I've never spoken to her face to face before right now."

He put his hand up for the high five. Now, I don't NOT like the high five. It has its place. But this wasn't really it. I obliged. L2 came walking over, I introduced myself and asked if she'd like a drink. My new friend at the bar asked the bartender to give us a round on him. L2 asked "Do you know him?" "No not really. Just met him. He's in town on business." "And he's buying us drinks?" she asked. "Yeah I guess so." I thanked him and introduced L2 who thanked him as well. I think she was a little caught off guard by my random friend making abilities. I guess that's a good first impression to make no?

L2 is attractive. Dark brown hair with olive skin and beautiful blue eyes. She isn't what I would call drop dead gorgeous (read: C gorgeous. Yeah, C is that hot.) but she is definitely good looking. About 5'4? Thin. Physically I'd be far too picky if I had any issue with her appearance at all.

So, a drink turned into dinner. I was much more relaxed than I thought I would be. I always get riled up and nervous before first dates, and then when the time comes along I just go with the flow. We talked, she asked all the first date questions. (Random Tangent: What is my favorite food?? Honestly? NO idea. I haven't a clue. My favorite band?? Nope, nothing there either. I like a lot of bands. A better question to ask would be who am I listening to a lot right now. I need to think up some stock answers for these situations. But I digress.)

So she said she was waiting in town to meet up with a friend and that they were going out and I should come. I had already committed to playing golf with a friend of mine today and had to get his golf clubs in my trunk, get my shit together and get some sleep, so I politely declined. She seemed disappointed, but I assured her I'd would wait with her till he friends came.

We spoke a bit more. Made more random bar friends (I have a way of doing this for some reason. Don't know why. Apparently I'm approachable...) Then she had to go meet her friends. I paid the tab, she protested. I said "Maybe next time." She said "What do you mean maybe." "I mean if there is a next time."

The look on her face told me that I would be seeing her again. I told her I was teasing her and that I'd love to see her again whenever she wants. I wrote her an email this morning saying I had a great time and that if she wants we should do it again soon. I'll call tomorrow. I would today, but honestly, after last night I'm not sure I have it in me. (read on to see why)

So I get on the god forsaken green line, get home, get my car, drive to my friend's, get his golf clubs. As I'm driving away the Russian texts me and says "I'll be home by 11 if you're free."

I text "Sure, text me when you're getting off the train, I've got the place to myself."

(Side Note: My conscience did at times say to me that this was wrong, but my logic told it to shut up because I really owe nothing to anyone at this point.)

She came over. Things started getting umm...yeah...I'll spare you the details, but all of the sudden at one point she just said "Stop!" I did, obviously. She lay there curled up, shaking like a leaf. Not good. Something is wrong. I ask if she is ok, and wrap my arms around her and pull her close to try to stop her from shaking. This goes on for about 2 or 3 minutes. Then she stops shaking and breathes deeply.

She turns to me, looks me in the eyes and says "I need to tell you, 6 months ago in Russia I was raped."

!!!!!!????

Rape to me is about the worst thing there is. Convicted rapist = death penalty as far as I'm concerned. Kill them. They deserve it. This poor girl is 20 years old and is never going to be the same again. This person took from her something she will NEVER get back. I didn't delve into the details, as obviously it is a subject I'm sure she doesn't want to relive.

She said, "You would never do that right?"

??What??

"I would never do anything like that to anyone, let alone you. That is a horrible horrible thing. You don't need to worry when you're with me. That will never happen. I promise you with all my heart. You're safe here." She laid in my arms and fell asleep. I couldn't sleep. I am enraged that someone would do this to her. That someone would do this at all. Last night I was filled with transcendent anger. The kind that can keep you up all night and you won't even feel the slightest bit tired.

I am ill equipped to deal with this. I'm not sure anyone on the planet is equipped to deal with this, but I know I definitely am not.

I told Becky. She said "How is it that you always find these girls?" I won't go into specifics, but I've had some...projects...in the past.

I am at a loss. I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I tried to let her know that she is safe with me. But I never can. I don't know who this person is who did this to her. I don't even know if he's in jail or what. But I want nothing more than to beat the living shit out of him for her. And I barely know her.

Note to Rapists: You cowardly scummy gutless pieces of shit. If it were up to me we would round you all up and blow your fucking heads off, but alas it is not. Instead you go to jail for a year or two, and your victim is in jail for the rest of their lives. You will burn in hell, but in the meantime I hope your live is miserable. Full of despair, want and hopelessness. You are the lowest of the low.

I don't pray often. But last night I said a prayer, and asked God to help this girl to get her life back together.

God bless her.

So I just got back from golfing. Gonna hop in the shower, dress and hopefully get to the blogger meet up for a few drinks before I drive to the North Shore to see all the family. I don't have time to be fashionably late, so if anyone who is going is reading this, PLEASE someone be there at 630. If not I'll be on my own for 45 minutes or so, and then I'll leave.

Ok, I'm out.

Continued....

2008-07-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry, got hung up yesterday and couldn't finish the post....

Right now I'm sitting in my office waiting for L2 (the girl I got set up with) to get out of work so we can meet up for a drink. Again, I'm being left with WAAAAAAAY too much time to think about this whole situation. I should have gone home, changed my clothes and driven back down town, but I stayed in the office because I'm planning on playing golf tomorrow afternoon and putting in some extra hours today can't hurt right?

So I've come to a few realizations in the past couple of days. The first and most important to me is my new found insecurity. Now, I'm not insecure. I wouldn't characterize myself as such, but lately I've realized that a lot of how I feel about myself has started to be based on other people. For instance, when C started playing her games I felt HORRIBLE about myself. All I could think of was "Why does she not want to be with me?" What I should have been thinking, and would have been in the past is "Oh well, her loss." I guess ideally you'd want to be somewhere in between? I mean, caring what people think is important to some extent, but not when you let it make you feel bad about yourself. Thats what I think.

Along those lines, I'm interested to see how I react if this little set up doesn't work out. Obviously there are 1000 variables between here and there, but if I think she is cool, attractive and someone I may be intersted in, and she just thinks "Blah, he's not it" I really don't have any idea how I will handle that.

In the last 2 months I've had both ends of the spectrum: C, who I absolutely destroyed myself over, and now this Russian, who honestly, if I don't ever see her again, I would be fine. Maybe it had to do with the proximity to my break up? I mean, I guess it is still reasonably fresh. I was the middle of April, so I'm going on being 3 months out of a 2+ year relationship at this point. at the one and a half month mark maybe I wasn't back to being myself yet?

At any rate, I'm looking forward to tonight, though again, I feel like I've had FAR too long to think about this whole situation. Here's hoping I don't F it up.

Potpourri

2008-07-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Title says it all. I guess I've got a lot to talk about. So here goes:

Picked up my car at Brookline Audi today and put $3500 on my Amex....yeah. Supposedly my insurance company is going to pick at least some of that up, but we'll see. They'll end up sending my a check for about $200 based on my experience. So I pay, get my keys and they tell me my car is right outside. It's not. So I go in, and find a guy to find my car for me. It's around back. This was the biggest mistake they ever made. Now I'm suspicious. So the guy gives me my keys, and I turn my car and the A/C on since it was about 90 and take a quick walk around the car to make sure they haven't F-ed anything up. Sure enough, they did. First I go to the back and notice that the concrete block that keeps people from driving off of parking lots? Yeah well, they've smashed my mufflers into it so far and hard that they're literally pushed up to my bumper. ANGER. Then I walk around the front, and someone has hit something with my front bumper.

I walked inside, pretty steamed. Found the service rep and said "Ok, so who do I talk to about the fact that my mufflers are ground onto a block of concrete and one of your service techs hit something with my front bumper?"

"Sorry about the mufflers sir, but are you sure those scratches on your bumper weren't already there?"

This just about set me off. I drive an '03 A4...it is perfect. The paint, the wheels, the windows, the inside. I notice shit like a bunch of scratches on my bumper. "Listen, do I look like the kind of person who doesn't notice scratches on my bumper? I just paid you over three thousand dollars to fix my fucking car, and you're giving it back to me with fucked up paint and dented mufflers. Where is your manager?" (Note: I was a bit pissed off at myself that I swore at the guy. I hate that. Not mature or professional, and I wish I hadn't.)

"He's not here right now sir."

So I have the manager's card and direct line phone number. He will be getting an earful tomorrow morning, and they will be giving me money to fix this. Period.

So I have my car back. Took it for a little ride to beat on it and make sure it wasn't gonna break again. So far so good.

In other news, I still haven't the slightest clue where to go with this girl tomorrow. I've officially had WAY too long to think about this little meeting of mine and that is not good. I generally can have pretty good conversations with people when I don't try, but when I start trying it's obvious and painful. Hence the problem with thinking about it too much. And all of you out in bloggy world haven't come up with any ideas for me either! GEEZ! Juuuust kidding, but seriously, if you know anywhere around the financial district that has a nice outdoor bar, let me know. Thanks.

As far as the Russian is concerned, Lynn, I think you're absolutely right. She's kind of going a bit overboard. But whatever. It's just a fling. I guess one way to look at it is that at least I'm getting to kiss her, and I have someone to hang out with who isn't the same old friends.

So, turns out I can probably take Friday off. To be continued.....

Someday I may understand, but probably not....

2008-07-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

So the Russian texted me last night because she was on the green line home. She said she wanted to see me and say hello. I was actually in bed, but she gets off the subway at the stop that is literally right outside my front door, so I threw on some clothes and met her downstairs. She immediately grabbed me and started kissing me, and essentially humping my leg. (Sorry for the umm...crass description, but nothing else really suitably describes what she was doing to me)

Now, to me this means something. You come to my house in the middle of the night, grab me, start kissing me (sloppy, wet, lots of tongue kissing me) and grinding on my leg. I mean, what would you think? So I invite her upstairs. She gives me a look like she's thinking about it then says "No, I must go home." (Again, Russian accent = super hot. Maybe it's just me)

I figure she's playing a little game, so I beg a little bit, and tell her that I don't really feel comfortable with her walking through the streets at 1230 at night (Note: This is honestly true. I do have a problem with girls and women walking the streets of Boston alone at this time of night. Chances are nothing would ever happen, but honestly I don't know what I'd do if something did. I would never forgive myself.)

She started to walk away. I said "at least let me walk you home." She declined and said "Very soon I will stay the night with you." Then she walked to the sidewalk and stopped, looking at me, and gave me the come hither finger. Now, again, unless my shit is waaaaay off this means something. I go over expecting her to maybe invite me to her place? She kisses me again and says good night.

I asked her if she was enjoying playing with me. Fuck it. That's what it is, I'm done beating around the bush. "Sometimes yes. I do."

AAAARGH. Needless to say I was a bit frustrated when I got back inside. I asked to text me when she got home, and she did. "I am home, and I'm still feeling your arms on me. I was thinking about you all night, and now I will dream about you."

Today she found out that she has to go to NYC this week and she wants to see me Friday. Can't do it. I have family in town from North Carolina and California this weekend, which will take up pretty much all of my time. (I'm going to try really hard to make the blogger meet up on my way out of town, I swear.) So I've texted her to tell her.

We'll see what the response is.

In other news my car is done. Final tally $3500. I'll get into the details later, but its convoluted and semi BS but I may be able to get a good deal of it from my insurance company.

More to follow. Thanks for reading

PDA...Not the hand held kind...

2008-07-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, I met up with the Russian last night. We went on a sunset harbor cruise. I guess that's what you do when you're 20. She wore a short short skirt. Don't get me wrong, it looked fantastic, but there are some things you just don't wear on a boat. The 3 inch heels weren't helping her sea legs.

Now, I can remember being 20. I was a bit different than I am now, but keep in mind, I was in a relationship at that time that I'd been in for 5 years already, so sticking my tongue down my girlfriend's throat wasn't exactly on my radar. Apparently in Russia they aren't shy about making out in front of a boat full of strangers, a restaurant full of people, anywhere on any given sidewalk or on the green line. It was more than a bit much. I mean, I see people doing what we were doing, and it kind of makes me sick. But honestly, at this point I'm just like, whatever, I'll go with it.

So all night she is making references to jumping my bones, as it were. References to getting it on in an alley, or on top of a bar....That is WAY beyond my personal range of acceptable even when I'm drunk, never mind when I'm sober. I'm guessing she was joking, but it's hard to tell sarcasm or jokes with her. She has quite an accent, and I honestly have no idea how wild this girl might be. She's kind of got the "crazy eyes." All guys know about the crazy eyes. It's not necessarily that you have big eyes, or that you don't blink. They just have a look. It's unmistakable. Now, I'm not going to marry this girl, she's going back to Russia in six weeks, so I'm pretty sure I can deal with however crazy she is until then.

Not sure how I feel about this whole thing at this point, though I do have to say I've got to figure out how to cut down on the PDA without offending her. I hate to say this but it is great that her visa expires in the end of August. This could just be a fun quick thing, which I think is just what I need at this point. If it were not the case that she were leaving it wouldn't be as stress free. I really can't win or lose in this situation I guess. All I can do is try to enjoy myself, so that is what I'm doing. It is a good feeling to not care again....That sounds cold, but honestly, being bent out of shape about girls I hardly know is just ridiculous.

In other news, if you recall a few weeks ago I was supposed to be "set up". Well my friend finally gave me the girl's email address. We're meeting up Thursday night after work. If anyone has any suggestions of a good place to meet up in the financial district let me know. I have a few in mind, but nothing spectacular. I have no idea what she's like, or even what she looks like. My friend from high school (who is setting us up) knows me, and knows the kinds of girls I've dated. I hope she's not setting me up with the "really nice" friend. I know, it's horribly shallow of me, but there has to be a physical attraction before there can be anything else no?

Thanks all for reading and commenting. Sorry for the brief post, but I'm tired and the Lice Episode if South Park is on, so I'm out.

The Things I Wish They Knew

2008-07-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

Last night ended up being pretty low key. A friend of mine now lives in Somerville (quite an inconvenience with my car in the shop, but whatever.) I took a cab to his place. We had a few beers and we decided to go sit outside at Legal Seafoods in Kendall Sq. for dinner. We finished a few beers and he, myself and his girlfriend (who he just moved in with, and is the reason he is way the F over in Somerville) got a cab to Kendall Sq. Had some great food at Legal's stayed for a few drinks paid our tab and left. Now, I like my friend's girl. She is alright, but she rolls her as at me like every 5 minutes. Most of the time it is when I'm looking at or trying to speak with girls. I don't know what her problem is. I mean, fine, you haven't been single in like 5 years, buuuut when you ARE single the only way you're ever going to meet anyone is to try to talk to them no?

So we decided a few more beers were called for, and went to the Cambridge Brewing Company. We sat outside and had some beer and caught up for a while longer. As we were sitting there I noticed this cute blonde hippie girl sitting on a bench alone by the street. I kept an eye on her and after 45 minutes she was still sitting there alone and no one had said a word to her. I mentioned to my friend and his girlfriend that the girl had been sitting there alone for so long, I was met with an eye roll by his girlfriend of course. So I though, fuck it, she's smoking a butt, I have a pack in my pocket, I'm going to say hi. I got "the sigh" from the friend's girlfriend, but whatever. Fuck her. (more to follow on this)

So I walk up to the lonely stranger and as if I can share her bench. She says of course and I sit and light a cigarette.

"Waiting for someone?"

"Yeah, my boyfriend works at CBC so I'm waiting for him to get out." she said.

I looked at my watch, "May be her for a while."

"Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna wait or not. He hasn't answered his phone or my texts."

Ok, now, this kind of blew my mind. I got a little more info and the boyfriend apparently knew she was going to there waiting and had told her he was getting out early, and now he's not even giving her a call to let her know he won't? I put myself in that position and I think 1) I would at least call and let her know what was up, or check my phone at the very least and see that she'd called. and 2) I would take the 4 seconds that it would take to walk outside, say hello and explain what was going on.

So we talked a bit more. Turns out she lives in Allston and takes the bus from Kendall Sq. to get there? She asked me how I get to Brighton from Kendall and I said "I take a cab." At which point I SHOULD have said, "Wanna split one." but my conscience stops me from doing things like hitting on girls who have boyfriends (especially when they're within line of sight.) I went back to my table and got another eye roll or two as I explained her situation. So we sat there for a while, and JUST before I left the cute blonde stood from her bench and walked away. At NO point did anyone ever come out of CBC to say hello. Her timing sucked, because honestly, if she waited about 2 minutes longer, and we happened to be walking down the street together I would have offered a cab. Not even to try to hit on her, though I'm sure a little of that would be going on, but I really have this thing against letting good looking young girls walk through the streets of the city alone late at night. And it kind of irks me that a girl that beautiful would be dating someone who is so clearly a bit of a douche.

I mean honestly, you don't call her, you don't go outside to say hello, and then you let her walk herself through an area of a city, that she admitted to me she was not terribly familiar with, in the middle of the night?

What I wish they knew?: That there are guys out there who care enough not to do shit like that. I would never do that to any girlfriend of mine no matter what the situation, and I'm sure I'm not alone here.

Later in the night my friend said that he told his girl to stop giving me the exasperated eye roll every time I talked to a girl. This is why he is my friend. He understands shit like that, and I honestly did not say a word to him about it before he just told her. Good friends know shit like that I guess.

At any rate, work Monday. I have my annual review. I guess it is a good time being that they've shipped me away for the last week. I already know that I got a raise. 6.5% is pretty good. I was expecting about 5, so there you go. Pretty happy with the job at this point. It's been interesting work, I've been getting a lot of experience in new innovative things, and they pay me well and don't treat me like just a number. I worked for a company with 6,000 employees. Let me just tell you, a company like that does not give a shit about you. They give a shit about their stock price, and if they need to cut $5 million in payroll to make their year end profit numbers they will. And they don't care who they fire.

So I'm seeing the light as far as my professional situation. I guess there's just shit I'll need to deal with no matter where I go or what I do, its just a question of what kind of shit and whether I want to deal with it or not.

Thanks for reading.

Shameless Plug

2008-07-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

Spent last night in Harvard Square. Totally cliche I know, but it really is a great place to hang out in the summer.

I started the night at Tommy Doyle's at a show. I've seen The Ryan Fitzsimmons Band a few times now and they always put on a good show. Check out their myspace page and listen to a few songs. Kind of Tom Waits like. The stuff on the site now is from his new album which is a bit more mellow than the stuff the band plays live. (Side Note: I try to be a supporter of local bands, and when I find one that I like I will see them almost whenever they play. It's hard to find a good local band, so when I do I like to support them so they keep playing. Plus it is always cheaper than going to see a big act)

Tommy Doyle's used to be the House of Blues, and the space that they have shows in is really cool and quite unique. Small, cozy and nice. I will see more shows there. I would recommend it to anyone.

After the set we walked through Harvard Square to head to Club Passim to see if there was any live music going on there. Turns out they weren't even open. On a Friday night? It was late, so perhaps they closed a bit early, but it was definitely before 1, so I don't know.

We ended up in the new Beer Garden behind Charlie's Kitchen. It was pretty cool to be outside, and the crowd was good. That is one of my favorite things about Harvard Square. Generally the crowd is upbeat, intelligent and there to have fun. This isn't the case in many parts of the city (I'm talking to YOU BU and BC bars. FULL of meat heads.) They definitely needed to get another bartender out there, but overall it was pretty fun. Not sure what the deal is with tonight. Hopefully something good is going on. I can't handle sitting around in my apartment after a whole week sitting in a hotel room.

Maybe a trip to Somerville to meet up with some friends. As far as squares go, I'd have to say Davis Square in Somerville is a close second to Harvard Square. If you haven't been, definitely check out the area. Great bars, good crowds.

A Requim for Baltimore

2008-07-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

So my asian friend (A from here on. Not for asian, for her name that begins with an A) called yesterday after work. She said she was considering going to DC to hang out with some friends (apparently she is from there) but wanted to know when I was leaving Baltimore. I told her I was leaving this afternoon and she changed her plan. She came into town and we went out to dinner. I started drinking at dinner. It's been a long week. I really needed it. We finished, walked to Little Italy in Baltimore and just hung out. (FYI: Little Italy in Baltimore?? Yeah not so much. It's very little and not very Italian. But they do have the required statue of Christopher Columbus that all Italian neighborhoods have.)

We went to a bar near my hotel that was new and looked pretty cool, but was closed for painting? The place literally opened like 2 months ago and it already needs to be painted? WTF is that? So we went to the bar in my hotel to regroup and figure out something else to do. The bartender at my hotel bar was named Maurice. Maurice was the shit. He was one of those jovial personable bartenders who is always cracking jokes and making you feel at home. Maurice was closing up because he "had a little something going on later" and gave us a flyer for free admission to a piano bar in the night club area of Baltimore. We thought, what the hell, let's check it out.

Howl at the Moon was an absolute riot. Apparently it is a franchise at sorts and they have locations all over the country. If they ever open in Boston I will be there. There were 2 pianos, 4 piano player/comedians who took any request and played it. It was absolutely hilarious. So while we were at the bar A insisted on buying me a drink since I bought dinner 2 nights in a row. So while she was getting the drinks some guy started hitting on her. I really could not have cared any less. It was a refreshing feeling to be honest, to be completely indifferent toward the guy who was hitting on the girl I was with. But she was sitting there talking to him for a few minutes, which again I had no problem with, but I wanted my damn drink! So I walked over, grabbed it and said I'd be at the table when she got done. She looked as if she'd been caught stealing. (Side Note: The dude talking to her gave me this look like "haha I'm stealing your girl." Again, I really didn't care, so frankly it was funny. I kind of laughed at him and walked away. He didn't know how to react to that. I mean, how much of a douche do you need to be to get satisfaction from trying to steal a girl from someone? God help us. But I digress.)

She came back to the table a few minutes later and started apologizing profusely. I said "Listen, you don't need to apologize to me. I will be gone tomorrow. You absolutely should meet and talk to people here. Seriously, I have no problem with that at all." She grabbed, hugged and gave me one of those "You are great" kisses that you get every once in a while. We spent the rest of the night talking, singing along and laughing at the piano players.

On the way home I got a cab. The cabbie was like "But where you're going is like 4 blocks away." I assured him he would be paid and tipped well. The reason I got a cab? Well mostly because of the sketchy crack head/homeless guys who accosted me for all of the change I had in my pockets on the way there. And it was much later now. We went back to the hotel and I didn't get much sleep. It was a rough morning. Ever notice how the hangover from a night of drinking hard alcohol is completely different than a night of beer?? Yeah, I had a hard alcohol hangover this morning. I left her in bed and went to the office. She said she'd stay till I got back to pack up and check out.

I came back at about 1030 to get my shit together and check out of the room. She told me she wished I live in Baltimore, and that I wasn't leaving. All good things to hear I guess, but I honestly could not have been happier to be getting out of there. I went to the airport early and had lunch and a couple of beers. Landed in Boston just in time to hit rush hour traffic, and of course my cabbie was completely inept and took the complete wrong way to get me home. What I wanted more than anything at this point was to get home, lay in my bed and take a nap, and this moron was not only preventing from getting there, but also making it more expensive to boot. If it weren't going to be on the company I would have been far far more angry.

Now I'm back, heading out tonight with some friends to catch a show. It's times like this that you really appreciate the people you have as friends (i.e. when you haven't seen anyone you know in a week.)

Random Side Note: As we were landing in Boston I got this overwhelmingly lonely feeling. If anyone has seen the movie Love Actually (yeah, kind of a chick flick, but really not a bad movie as far as chick flicks go) you know that in the airport everyone is seeing their significant other, family, kids etc. and hugging them and just being happy to see people. The only person who was there for me was the cabbie from god knows where who had no idea where he was going. I always remember time I landed in the airport after flying alone when I was met by the ex (when we were still dating). It was quite a thing because while I was away she got a job offer in NYC that she thought she was going to take, so we had some pretty heavy phone conversations and I honestly had no idea if I'd ever see her again. That was one of the greatest hugs of my life. I will never forget it. (WARNING!!! CHEESINESS OVERLOAD!!!)

Anyway, thanks for reading and posting. I'm finally back in Boston! YES! Hoping to make it to the get together next week. Crossing my fingers.

One More Night

2008-07-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, this is my last night in Baltimore. Last night wasn't all that bad. I went to the outdoor bar at the Hard Rock Cafe (lame and touristy I know) on the harbor in Baltimore. The bar is almost like a dock. It sits out in the middle of a channel between two piers. This is what piqued my interest. I sat there and was the only one at the bar for some time and got to speaking with the bartender and the wait staff. She was very cute, brunette with beautiful light blue eyes and an easy smile. She was slow so she pulled out a cross-word puzzle and asked for my help doing it. (Full Disclosure: In my day I was pretty damn good at crosswords. I went to engineering school so there was a lot of time spent in the back of lecture halls doing crosswords instead of learning. And I tend to do the on the train when I am not reading anything.) So I wowed her with my crossword skills and we talked, along with the rest of the wait staff, as everyone was slow. Seems thats not the happening spot to hang, but I was surrounded by a bunch of girls who were talking to me (yes they were waiters and bartenders, but at this point human interaction is human interaction. I'll take it.) I finished about 6 beers there, and then left to get dinner somewhere else because, lets face it, the Hard Rock isn't exactly gourmet.

At dinner I sat at the bar alone and noticed a cute asian girl sitting a couple of seats away, also seemingly alone. I thought, what the hell, at the very least maybe a conversation. "So, are you here on business?" "No," she said, "I just moved here to go to nursing school."

So we got to chatting, talked through dinner, and had a few more drinks. I asked her what there was to do around here and she said she really didn't know. I said "Well, I'm probably gonna go for a quick walk around the harbor and then grab a drink at my hotel bar if you're not doing anything you are more than welcome to join me." She did, we walked and talked, then made it up to my hotel for a few more drinks. At this point I was pretty tipsy, as apparently was she. I kissed her. Yup. Bold move, prompted 100% by alcohol no doubt about it.

I was going to ask her up to my room, but I didn't really want to be too forward. She kind of invited herself up...

Today I think to myself "should I have said no and just gone to bed?" I really don't know. I woke up this morning with her next to me feeling a little scummy. More than a little. But I really don't know why or if I should. I mean, I guess there's no real reason NOT to have done whatever, but again, that catholic guilt has a way of finding its way into my brain.

I left her in bed this morning and went to work and told her if she felt like it to text me, as clearly I have NOTHING else to do in this city while I'm here.

By the way, if you're all reading the last few posts and thinking "No fucking way this all happened to this kid." I would not blame you. I would be thinking the same thing, and actually in reading these posts it's more than a little hard for me to believe myself. Plus I kind of feel like a bit of a man whore. Rightfully so I think, but honestly I've never really been in this situation before. Not sure how I should handle it. Please don't think I'm a horrible person. Honestly, it's not like I'm out there actively looking for tail per se. All of these things have happened when I was in fact not really trying to get laid at all. Perhaps that is the secret. Guys take note.

Anyway, today I feel sketchy and dirty and I'm pseudo hoping she doesn't text me tonight. We shall see...I'll keep you all posted.

Edgar Allen I am Not

2008-07-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

So, you'd think that since I've been sitting in a hotel room alone for the last two nights I'd at least post something wouldn't you? I'm quite surprised that I haven't as well. I would say most of that has to do with the fact that for the last two nights I've gone to dinner alone and had...well...a few, and by the time I got back to my room I was less than motivated.

So here I am, before I leave work and go to dinner and drinks...probably alone again. Not probably alone, definitely alone. Baltimore is a cool city I guess. My hotel is right near the waterfront, which is a pretty nice place to hang out. There are malls, bars, restaurants. It's fun, and thus far, other than right now, the weather has been pretty great.

The work isn't bad either. Once again I've been called in to save a pregnant woman from her project who is on the verge of leaving to have her baby. Apparently that is my calling card at this point. So I'm here till at least the end of the week trying to familiarize myself with something that I really don't have any experience working with. With any luck I won't have a return trip to Baltimore next week, but thus far there are no guarentees.

Work travel...I mean, it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just like, hanging at a bar alone = lame
eating dinner alone = lame
going back to the hotel to watch the family guy till I crash = lame
not being able to get the sox on TV = lame

So needless to say I can't wait to get back to Beantown and just relax and hang out with friends. Turns out I have family coming to town this weekend though. Which sucks. I mean, I like my family. I really do. But I have a feeling that this weekend I'm just gonna want to be able to do my own thing and not have to do whatever they want to.

Last night I did have some human contact from home. K texted me telling me she misses me (clearly the polar opposite of C in that regard) L texted to check in since I told her last weekend I'd be spending the week in Baltimore, most likely alone. It was nice to have a little convo with her about when we'd meet up again. She seems really chill and relaxed which is just what I need at this point, and there is ZERO pressure from her for a relationship, which is also nice. I also got a text from my old roommate about a party this weekend that she wanted to invite me to. I really want to see her, but again, this weekend may be trash. This all remains to be seen.

In other news, I have no idea what is going on with my car. My rep at the dealership didn't answer his phone today. Getting a little irked at this point. Nothing like a car payment and endless repair payments for a car that you never get to drive. Again, don't buy an Audi with an automatic transmission. And if you do, and it breaks, don't say I didn't tell you.

Aaaaaand I guess that is all of the complaining I should do for today before I lose you all.

Any suggestions from people about what they would/have done in a situation similar to the one I'm in now (strange city, alone) would be great. I'm DYING here!

From Russia With Love?

2008-07-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Last night wasn't all blogging and packing as it turns out. I send a text to K just to see what she was up to. Turns out she had just gotten back from visiting her friend in Maine and was just hanging around her apartment. I invited her over for, you guess it, a movie. She accepted and came over. We watched Snatch, one of my favorite movies. (Side Note: I will never forgive Madonna for what she's done to Guy Ritchie. Before Madonna he made classics like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch...Since then, crap like Swept Away (starring Madonna...After she married him.) This kills me.)

We didn't watch much of the movie. I guess you could say I got to second base? Though based on what's going on in Gloucester these days may mean getting your girlfriend pregnant with twins.

She is making me wait till I get back from Baltimore. That is what she told me. Though, when I walked her home she brought me around to her bedroom window and said "There is my bedroom window. If you ever want me you can just come stand outside." Which immediately made me think she wanted me standing outside that night, though I did not.

I totally bit on her "tease" if you will and we had dinner tonight as well. I kind of regret that. It is too much too soon, but she is definitely into it. We walked around Newbury street a bit after dinner and then I really had to leave to finish packing and getting everything together for Baltimore tomorrow morning (and apparently writing a blog entry.) I said "I have to go, let's grab a cab home." She said "I will walk. You get a cab."

?? Umm, I'm confused, and made sure she was ok with that. Apparently it was ok, and she walked away?

I don't know what this means, but I'm not going to worry about it.

Flight at 6AM tomorrow. Wish me luck

Uncle Sam Wants YOU!

2008-07-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a week/weekend thus far. I'll try to summarize.

Wednesday I went out with K, the Russian I met at the bar. I met her at her house and we went for sushi. (Side Note: She looked absolutely beautiful. This is the first time I've seen her made up and with clothes on that really showed off her figure. Stunning. She was turning heads all night.) We sat, ate and talked. After, I was stumped as to what to do. I literally was trying to think ALL day long about what I was going to do with her. I apologized and she suggested a movie again. She said "It is not trouble at all, I love the movie theater." So we walked to the theater, bought a ticket for the nearest show time and took a walk through the Fenway Neighborhood that I used to live in. As we were walking around the neighborhood she grabbed me and kissed me. I've learned that she...ummm...isn't shy about making out in the street. Which is refreshing actually, but caught me off guard to say the least.

I had to break the news to her that I was going to be in Baltimore for the next week. It was a little harder than you think. I mean, just think about it; a guy you've been on 1 date with takes you out and essentially says "I can't see you for the next week and a half." Your first inclination may be toward thinking it was B.S. I assured her, and I believe she understood and believed me, though she did sound disappointed. I reassured her to let her know that I was not thrilled about having to spend the week in Baltimore regardless, but it was even worse since I wasn't going to be able to see her. (Note: This was at least 75% genuine. I really would like to see her again, and it having to be a week and a half between dates does suck. At the same time, it is probably good that there is this time to keep me from rushing into something and turning into more than it is.)

I walked her home and we spent a few minutes on her doorstep kissing, and I told her that I would call her as soon as I was back in the state.

Thursday night is a blur. I spent it at my brother's house on the North Shore. There was a parade, fireworks and fun people. And enough booze that I'm not really clear on what all went on, but I woke up alone with all of my clothes on, so I guess I've got that going for me.

Friday was the big cook out at my parent's on the North Shore. I invited a bunch of friends from town up to celebrate the holiday, and the "Girl who Was There for Me" (she will be known as L from here on) came from CT. We drank 2 kegs of beer, bbq-ed, played volleyball and other yard games. And needless to say, there was more than a fair amount of drunkenness. One of the "friends" that was invited was my roommate. Couldn't be avoided without endless BS and drama and it was just easier to invite him even though he was the LAST person I wanted to be there.

So, the last time L was around my roommate (Q) TOTALLY hit on her all night. Though she

wanted no part of it, he kept talking, as he tends to do, endlessly. Her and I ended up hooking up at the end of the night, and while I was speaking to someone else about the entire incident Q was eavesdropping, as he tends to do, and heard me tell a story about how it almost didn't work out because I didn't have a condom. At this point Q interjects "Oh, you should have told me man. I had a few." To which I responded "Oh yeah?" he said "Yeah, I figured if you didn't fuck L I would have so I came prepared." ?? Who even says that first of all? Second, she very very clearly wanted NO part of you. At all.

So anyway, this weekend the same thing. I invited this A-hole because I didn't want to leave him out and deal with his bitching, and he gets up there and IMMEDIATELY starts hitting on L. Again, NO CHANCE dude, and she was definitely there to hook up with me in no uncertain terms. So by the end of the night L and I are sitting kind of close, chatting, being a little playful, and I look up and I'm getting the look of death from Q.

I laughed in his face. Kind of more rude than I should have been, but honestly, fuck you. This was the culmination of tons of bullshit over the last few months. He turned around a walked away without saying a word, as he should have.

(Randome Side Note: L isn't stand out hot. She is definitely attractive, but if you saw her on the street she might not really turn your head. However, what was TOTALLY unexpected to me was how AMAZING her body is. This morning is the first time I saw her with no clothes when it was light. Just caught me a little off guard.)

Spent today on the boat going to the beach and swimming. It wasn't an ideal day, but it was fun. Q decided he would tag along as the 5th wheel. Boy was I excited.

And now it is Saturday night and I'm sitting in my apartment alone blogging. I don't have a problem with this at all because honestly, after the last two nights I need to take some time off from partying. Tonight is definitely one of those nights that having someone to stay home with would be great, but alas I do not. I'm good though. I have to pack and get ready for my lovely week in Maryland.

I hope your Saturdays are more exciting than mine has been.

(Comment addressal: It seems that the general consensus is that me dating a 20 year old is just fine, which is what I suspected. Maybe Becky is just jealous ;)

Thanks again for reading and posting.

OK? not OK? I dunno

2008-07-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

So I had a bit of a freak out last week. Mini freak out. I should say. After I got the "You may need $10,000 to fix your car" news, and all of the realizations about C were kind of hitting me at the same time I was just overloaded. I went for a walk at about 10PM. I had to get out of my apartment. My roommate is driving me absolutely NUTS (Side Note: He really is a douche. I didn't realize how much before because I spent a lot of time with my ex and he wasn't around. Now he follows me everywhere. Also, he sucks to live with. In the two years we've lived together he has cleaned the bathroom once, never cleans anything else, complains constantly about anything and everything, and has a penchant for leaving rotting food in my kitchen sink. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but come on.) After I walked around for a bit I went to the bar across the street from my house because I still wasn't prepared to deal with him or being in my apartment.

Yes, I went to a bar alone. And drank and watched the baseball game. I found myself next to a pretty blonde girl, though honestly if she hadn't spoken to me I wouldn't have noticed. I was just completely consumed by all of the bullshit surrounding my life at the time.

She is Russian. Not of Russian descent, but from Russia, here for the summer. She has a great Russian accent which, I have to be honest, I love. So she says a few things, I am polite but by no means trying to be a charmer in any way. Again, my head was full of thoughts like "Where the fuck am I gonna get $10,000?" and "Why is this girl playing me? I didn't do anything to her and I REALLY thought she liked me."

So after a little while I apologize to her and tell her I'm really having an awful day and that I'm sorry if I seem like a jerk. She apologizes for bothering me. I assure her that she was no bother at all and that it was nice to talk to someone. About 15 minutes later I stood up to leave. I thought, eh what the hell, pulled out a business card, wrote my cell number on the back and walked back over to her. I handed her my card and said "I'm sorry I was such a downer tonight, but if you ever want to meet up for a drink or something my number is on the back. Have a great night."

Now, normally I'm not the type who hands out my phone number. To me it's a bit taboo for me to expect a girl to call me. If I don't get their number, thats it. No dice. But I was in such a shitty mood I really just didn't care. She called me Monday night and asked if I wanted to see a movie. Random, but not unwelcome. (Full Disclosure: Apparently I have a thing for Eastern European/Russian girls. My last girlfriend was Ukrainian and Bulgarian. Not of descent, actually from there, though she moved here when she was 12 and had no accent. You really would have thought she was American at first glance, and in fact I did the first time I met her.)

We went to the movies and saw "The Happening." Not my favorite movie, but I've seen worse. We walked home to Brighton, though I offered to get us a cab. It was good because we got to talk. Turns out she is 20. Yeah. I met a 20 year old in a bar.

That night we kissed at her door. I'm supposed to meet her tonight because this is the last night I will be in town for at least the next week and a half (Yeah, remember business travel? Spending next week in Baltimore...and possibly the week after. Great for my social life, let me tell ya.) In the meantime I've asked a few people about the slight moral dilemma I'm having here. Is it ok for me to be hanging out with a 20 year old? I mean, my mom is 5 years younger than my dad, but they didn't meet when she was 20. I've gotten conflicting answers. My guy friends are all giving me the "Yeah man! Good for you!" while my friend Becky was like "Eee...that is a little young."

I'm literally on the fence. I don't know. I mean, it's not like she looks like she is 13 or something, and she acts more mature than C (perhaps because she doesn't have the option of going to a club and acting like a 17 year old) so there's that.

Comments on this would be much appreciated. I know it's too late to do anything about tonight, but I'm really curious how the world at large feels about this.

Here is another question: What the hell do I do with a 20 year old? I haven't been under 21 in almost 5 years now and my social/dating life has revolved around going out to bars or pool halls. I don't remember what I did when I was 20. Well, I guess I do, but that was get drunk in my apartment with 30 of my closest friends. House party seems like it should be out of the question at this point. I'm too old for that shit.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting. If I don't blog before I hope everyone has a happy, fun and safe 4th.

(Aside, voiceinmyhead, if you're reading, just a quick follow up to your last comment. The thing is I'm not an option. And it's her fault. I would have had no problem dealing with just being the dude on the weekends or every once in a while, but I'm not dealing with anyone who doesn't return phone calls or do what she says she's gonna do. Perhaps she's had guys who would deal with this shit before, but she's lost me. Is that a thought that goes through her head or does she not even care? Also, I had no idea word verification was even on. Once I figure out how, I'm turning it off.

Also, Penelope, I guess for now I'm off internet dating...though who knows what the future may hold.)

What Happened?

2008-06-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ah the weekend. This weekend would have sucked if the Black Crowes hadn't put on one of the best shows I've been to in years. Let us delve shall we?

So Friday I went to the North Shore. Gloucester has a big festival the last week in June every year and it is guaranteed to be a shit show. It is also a good chance to catch up with those kids from high school that I don't see much (by choice or convenience is the constant question.) I get a ride home with friends because, as we all know by now, Audis suck and mine is in the shop. At home I call a good friend to get his ass off of the couch and get him out to the bars/festivities. I tell him I won't be around tomorrow night so he HAS to come out tonight. I tell my friends, who are here to party, that we'll go as soon as H shows up. Yeah well, H returns my call. He's the town over having a drink with friends. He assures me that he'll be at my house in under an hour, and we'll go out then. This is at 9. I hang at my place drinking. Losing track of time. 11 rolls around and my phone rings "lets go out"...The bars in Gloucester close at 1230. "Thanks but no thanks dude. What happened to an hour?"

Yeah. Partially my own fault for not paying attention to the time, but what the hell is the deal here? Why am I the person that people are CONSTANTLY flaking out on?! ARGH! This is really kind of getting to me. I may start flaking out on people for spite. Just to return the favor. How horrible is that?

Saturday rolls around and we head up to a friends place in Portsmouth for some pre-concert BBQ and drinking. In the interim, the "Girl who was there for me" texted and she is going to be coming up for the 4th. (Full Disclosure: I haven't gotten laid since the last time I slept with her...which was, A month or so ago? I don't know. I guess that's not bad, but it seems like FOREVER when most of your life has been spent in serious relationships where getting laid wasn't hard.) So hopefully that will go well. She's an OK girl I guess, but I don't see this as anything other than just some fun. Which is really just what I need at this point. As much as I seem to think its a good idea, I really don't need another relationship right now. I need to figure out some shit about me by myself. Which isn't to say that if my dream girl came along I wouldn't jump. But needless to say, she isn't here.

As I said before the show was AMAZING. I've seen the Crowes 3 or 4 times but this was by far the best. The Casino Ballroom in Hampton is an amazing venue and the set list was perfect. We drove back to Gloucester and finished off the night with some hamburgers and Budweiser.

At a point in the night I got a text from my old roommate (a girl, yeah, I've lived with girls too...again, the friend thing). It said "You need to come to CT" where she lives now. Now, full disclosure: 2 weeks into living with this girl I woke up at 3AM with her standing drunk in my room. In no uncertain terms...ummm...looking to get laid. I did the honorable thing and put her to bed because 1) she was clearly shitfaced and 2) she had a boyfriend at the time that was always at the house...awkwardness I could live without. On another occasion I was in CT at the casino when I got a call from her. I was drunk. She was drunk. We both wanted to hook up but were both too drunk to drive anywhere. I said "I'm gonna go play blackjack and if I win any money I'm gonna get a car to your house." Well, I won, but by the time I called her it was 330 AM and she was asleep. Opportunity lost. So at any rate, I responded "That can probably be arranged, but you need to come to Boston sometime too." "I will. Soon." So I guess I may have that to look forward to?? Who knows. I'm sure she'll flake out too knowing my luck.

Sunday was basically a waste, but I did actually play 18 holes in the afternoon so that was good. I'm now sitting in my apartment blogging instead of enjoying this beautiful day, but I needed to write something.

On Comments: You guys are great! I'm gonna try to address a few, and actually ask some questions of you.

voiceinmyhead: You say you've been this girl before. Why? I mean, do girls think its better to just avoid a situation till it goes away than it would be to just say, "Listen, I don't think this is gonna work. I'm sorry." That doesn't seem like too much to ask for. But perhaps it is, I clearly have no clue! HA!

Also, about the list; I'm glad I'm not asking for too much. I mean, I didn't think it was out of line, but I honestly haven't found anyone who meets the criteria here. I've been close. Obviously. But now that I'm playing the "game" it seems like no one can even handle meeting ONE of the things on the damn list. It's discouraging. I'm trying SO hard not to be jaded, but I'm not sure how long I can hold out. HELP! HAHA! It's like I feel like I should be able to find someone like this but I can't. I understand that everyone is trying to not get played, and that its hard to trust people, but I really don't know how to convey to people that I'm NOT going to screw you over. Give me a chance. Let your guard down and I promise you won't regret it.

I'm THIS far from internet dating. I don't want to do it. It seems like a horrible idea, and honestly, (I don't judge, though this sounds judgmental) it seems a little pathetic for someone my age and in my situation to be doing it. Any thoughts on this?

Also, I'm now reading "No Country for Old Men" Can't get myself to read Atlas Shrugged So I'm taking it off the list. Lazy, I know.

Thanks for reading and commenting. You guys rock!

One more thing...

2008-06-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

I got a card from my mother today. It's not my birthday or any other occasion, but she sent it. She knew I was down, and sent me the most amazing card with the most amazing things written in it. I love my mother. I always have. But right now I love her just a LITTLE bit more...if that is possible. I'm going to call her right now and tell her....I hope you all have someone in your life like my mother. We all deserve it.

Deep thoughts by jack handy

2008-06-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm not calling her. I won't do it. I talked to my friend Becky, who is the shit, for the record, and she said "Fuck that girl. You're a great guy and if she isn't going to call you she's a bitch. You can do better I promise." I love you Becky. I really needed that. Becky has been my Jiminy Cricket (along with you folks of course) for the last few weeks.

Anyway, I guess with this post I'm gonna make it not about my personal life for once. After this weekend I'm sure I'll have TONS to tell, but for now, no.

Ok, so I saw this link on the Digg yesterday. I've seen people in these shirts and honestly, WTF? My first reaction, of course, was to ask "Is that guy wearing a girls shirt?" Well, all of my fears have been realized because he wasn't. This is a man cleavage shirt. Ya know what I want to see when I'm walking down the street? Some man cleavage. Yeah. That's hot. Girls, am I way off or is this the dumbest fashion trend of the last 10 years? God help us.

Also, since I'm single, and involved in so many weddings this year this link kind of struck a chord with me. Too funny to not share with the world.

Few more random links:

A Guide to Douche Bags - Priceless. Not sure what type of douche bag I am, but hopefully none. Though I guess everyone gets a little douchey at times.

A Letter From a Boston Cop - This is pretty much perfect. I love everything about what this guy is saying. Unfortunately he's not allowed to beat the piss out of these idiots because everyone and their brother has a camera phone and would only film him beating someone up, not the part where someone smashes a window or lights a car on fire to deserve said beating.

What Airline Pilots Want to Say when you have a flight delay. Priceless. And self explanatory.

This Piece will be a bit controversial. It is a long video for youtube, but everyone in the U.S. and the world needs to watch it. The common misconception about the Israeli Palestinian conflict is that Israel is good, Palestine is bad. Needless to say it is not that cut and dry. Israelis are not saints, and as seen in this piece are prone to firing carelessly into crowds of innocent people, as well as murdering people in cold blood and then lying about it to the outside world. It is quite graphic, be warned, but it may open a lot of people's eyes to what is really happening in the region.

I hope you all have a fun safe weekend. Thank you for reading and commenting, and wish me luck. I'll need it.

Good bye for now.

??What??

2008-06-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Ok wrap your heads around this one. I got a text from C today at 615. It said "I'll call you later to figure out this weekend."

No call.

What the fuck? What IS that?

I have NO idea what this means? If you didn't want to call, why would you text and say you would? It makes no sense. I'm pretty done with this girl.

BTW, Penelope, comment all you want. Never too many.

I'm back...for now

2008-06-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

Alright. I've cooled off a bit. I guess. Still not having a good day, but I'm better than I have been for the past few. So I want to address some comments before I rant. Again, thank you all for reading and writing. It really does mean a lot. First I will address a commenter specifically.

Penelope, your insight is very helpful. I'm thinking that you're right. Though I get vibes from C when we're together that make me feel like she is as into it as I am, the truth is she probably isn't. And that isn't her fault, and I don't hold that against her in any way. I just wish it was more clear and easier to tell. I'm now taking the approach of "If you want to see me let me know. I'm done chasing you." So far so good. I told her I may be in town this weekend and that if she wanted to meet up to let me know. Got a text today, we'll see what happens. But I'm not going out of my way. I'm going to do what I want and if she is a part of it great. If not, I guess that answers a lot of questions pretty easily. I am not interested in someone I'm going to be doomed to try to entertain, impress, chase, keep whatever. I'm not in high school anymore.

I've been seeing a lot of lists lately of what guys should do, or what girls want or all of that stuff from a dating perspective and it kind of made me want to make a list of my own. Here goes.

10 Things my dream girl knows:

1. If you want something, ask for it. Chances are 99% of the time you'll get it. If you beat around the bush, or hint or just expect me to know chances are I won't. I'm a guy I generally don't pick up on that subtlety stuff and then you'll be mad because I didn't know what you wanted. As the old saying goes: Ask and you shall receive.

2. Be honest with me. I'm a big boy. I can take it. If honesty says you don't think we'll work out because we're just different, or you don't feel a connection, just say that. I can handle it. What I can't handle is when people do things like just stop answering their phone or don't call back or act standoff-ish and aloof. Just tell me. It will save us both a lot of trouble.

3. Don't be flakey. If you say you're going to do something, do it. I understand that things happen and sometimes there's nothing you can do, but honestly, if you say you're going to call, call. I can't think of a reason why you wouldn't be able to get on the phone for 2 seconds and say "Hey I'm real busy can we talk tomorrow" or even just send a text. It's not hard, and it means a lot.

4. Don't judge me based on my clothes or my car or how much money I make. I know, its hard. I freely admit that I'm more superficial than I'd like to be, but I promise the substance of the person I am is not embodied in my vehicle or the pictures I have hanging on my walls.

5. It is ok to be forward. I know in your grandma's day it was taboo to be the person who made the phone call or suggested meeting, but this is 2008. If you have free time and you'd like to see me, call. Chances are I would be psyched to see you.

6. Dinner Etiquette: If I take you out to dinner, get what you want. Don't sit there and say "Oh that is too much." or just order a salad to save me money or make me think that you don't eat. I asked you out to dinner, I understand what that entails. And when the dessert menu comes around, get something if you want it. It doesn't make you a pig or any less attractive. Also, don't even THINK about putting your hands anywhere near that check. I would honestly leave a restaurant hanging my head in shame if you paid any part of the bill.

7. How you interact with my friends says a lot about you. I'm not saying you have to like them all. Hell there's things about all of them that I don't like. But if you sit around with a stuck up "I'm over it" look on your face all night not even trying to have fun or talk to people it does not reflect well on you. I won't leave you alone, but I also don't want to be the only person you talk to all night. Also, if you have a friend that is a man hater, it would be nice to know before I get the eye roll for daring to speak to her.

8. Guys want sex. Always. Pretty much always. I can think of very few times that we don't. Girls, on the other hand, don't. Now, this leaves us guys in the interesting position of trying to guess when you girls want to get laid. I understand that this needs to happen sometimes, and that sometimes I need to get you in the mood to want to have sex, but honestly, if you want sex, and I'm around, say the word. Don't tell me the next day "Oh I really wanted to have sex last night but I wasn't sure you were into it." Here's your answer. I was. I am. Chances are I always will be. (with a few exceptions)

9. Relax. This is just a general sentiment. In my experience the girls I have dated have constantly felt like there was a problem, or had some reason that they should be freaking out in one way or another. Especially with regard to me/our relationship. Know what ruins a relationship really quick? A girl who makes up problems that aren't there, or constantly asks if everything is ok when there is no reason everything wouldn't be ok. If there is a problem I will let you know.

10. Don't play me. I'm a nice guy. I'm not playing you. I'm going into whatever this happens to be in good faith, and you should too. I know its hard. I have a hard time with it myself. And I'm sure you've had your experiences with douche bags who are just trying to get into your pants. But thats not me and I'm not ready to be that jaded old man who thinks everyone is fucking with him, so please don't contribute to me ending up that way.

There's a quick diatribe if you will. I've never really made a list on this blog before but that was an interesting experiment. I really had to think about that. Anyway, thoughts are appreciated. I'll probably post again later but I gotta do some laundry.

Also, if you read this list and your first thought is "Good luck. There's not a snowball's chance in hell you're ever finding that." That would be helpful to know. Because I don't think its all that outlandish.

BAD! Bad Blogger!

2008-06-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm being a horrible blogger lately. And its not for lack of anything to say. I have tons to say but I'm in a horrible mood and quite frankly have been getting drunk and stoned beyond belief for the last 2 days to make myself feel better about it. By the way, Audi told me its not 5 k to fix my transmission today.....its 10k. Ten thousand dollars for a new transmission. What The F*#&^$@?

I promise I will write soon. I really want to touch on some of the comments. I apologize for keeping you guys hanging but this is how I deal with massive B.S. in my life. I drink. Yeah. Not healthy. If you want to lecture me feel free. I probably need it.

Grrrr....

2008-06-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

So my transmission is broken. Don't buy an Audi with an auto. I knew that. I bought one anyway. I'm an idiot. So now mine is broken. And I need to replace the transmission. We're talking on the order of 5 k. talk about ruining my summer. I'll write more at a later date, but I'm really in no mood.

Bit of an Epiphany

2008-06-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm kind of coming to my senses about C. She didn't call me today. I had to call her at about 9 PM. I'm kind of being played aren't I? I'm kind of realizing this at this point and I'm convincing myself that I'm right, that she isn't in it for the same reasons as me. Also, I'm thinking its not about her being flakey and more about her not giving a shit about whether she gets back to me or not. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a little bit too long, but even if she is just really flakey do I really want to deal with someone like that? This is the thinking pattern I'm used to going through my head when I'm "normal". I guess it's less emotion and more logic. Thinking like an engineer if you will. This is where I'm comfortable, and it saves me a whole bunch of stress and anxiety when I can step back and get rid of the emotional reasons I'm thinking about things.

Here is where I am with C. I spoke to her today. Called her out for not calling me, and then said "Ya know, it's way to early in whatever this is for me to expect anything from you and vice versa. I do expect honesty. That isn't too much to ask. I would love to keep seeing you how we are seeing each other now. I have no problem with that. I just wanted to clarify what this is/was so we were both on the same page. Also, if you say you're going to call me, please call me and don't make me sit all night waiting for you. Thanks."

The ball is in her court. I'm at the point where I'm not going to try all that hard for a girl who isn't exactly showing a whole lot of interest. I've realized that what happened this weekend definitely shouldn't have happened like it did, and thats how I'm looking at this. If she wants to see me, she can see me. If not, I can deal with that too. That was the problem I was having. I didn't think I could deal with not being with her, but I'm now looking at her, how she is and the realisticness (i just made that word up) of whether anything would ever work between us even if she did want it to.

I say this all now because I'm a tough guy. Wait till I'm home alone for a few days.

Really??

2008-06-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

I work with a girl who is voting for John McCain. Now, I'm all for choice and people having their opinions, but how, as a woman, can you vote for a man that says this:

I mean honestly. The guy is literally saying he will actively be trying to take away your right to make a decision about your life and your body. I hope she comes to her senses before november....

Back at it...

2008-06-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

So I may have ruined whatever it is I have/had with C. Not that I did anything all that bad, I don't think, but I still may have.

So last night she came to Boston with her friend. Ok. Not what I expected to happen, but I can hang. No biggie. Then they decided that we were going out downtown. Now, I don't mind going downtown and going out, but it's really not my scene. So I went and we met up with another of her friends. Ended up at a bar/night club where the girls wanted to dance. Ok. Fine. However, I then somehow get stuck on bag guarding duty for her friend's bag. Not her bag, her friend's bag. Now, I'm not much of a dancer but I have been known to get on the floor, but since I was on bag duty I had no choice...and looked like one of those dudes who can't have fun and just hangs out at the bar.

So at last call we were waiting around for her friend to get/give her phone number to whatever dudes she happened to be hitting on/being hit on by. (Side note: Her friends are a bit slutty. I don't see girls at bars throwing themselves at guys like these two were very often. Not that it should matter to me.) In the meantime the conversation between me and C somehow came to what she liked about me. "I really love that you're so chill and that you're cool with all of this." This kind of put the thought in my head "Cool with all of what? I literally have NO idea what this is." On the way home she was texting someone. A friend she assured me. I looked her in the eye and said "I know you don't owe me anything and I really don't expect a lot, but please just don't play me." She seemed a tiny bit offended that I would even say that, so I said "Not that I think you are, but you can just never tell. I'm just asking you to be honest with me. Thats all." Her friend and her drove themselves home at about 3. I sent a text that said "Good night beautiful. Drive safely and I can't wait to see you again." No response. The girl has been texting like a maniac all night long with whoever, but she can't return 1 to me? That's weird right?

So this morning I sent her a text to call me. She called at about 930 (yeah, I was up before 930 because I was fucking thinking about this B.S.) She sounded like she just woke up. I said "Listen, I don't want to get all heavy and have a deep conversation here but I really need to know what this is. I'm not asking you for commitment, I'm not asking for anything to change, I just need to know what this is so I know I'm not wasting my time." I think this caught her off guard, but her response was "I figured we'd have to talk about this sooner or later. I really don't know. I was in a relationship for a long time and I'm really trying to find out who I am. So I really don't know."

She said she needed to think and that she'd call me later today...we'll see. She is either really flakey or just avoiding me because its anyone's guess whether she will call me when she says she will or not.

On another note, I felt like her and her friends were really young and immature. I mean, I'm not the most mature guy, but these girls are like I was when I was a freshman in college which was years ago. I'm king of over going out and getting shit faced and wild. They're not. So I guess that's something I need to take into account in all of this. I don't know what to think, say, do...I'm lost. Yet again.

Questions? Comments? Rude remarks?

2008-06-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be a potpourri of a post I guess. Wanna respond to some comments and touch on some news.

First, thank you all for your comments. Very cool, very helpful. Would like to respond to a few if I may. Getting stoned is a funny thing. It's different for all people, and even different for the same person depending on the conditions they're doing it in. For me, most of the time I get very relaxed. However, this is not to say I will be getting stoned every day to relax. I was just kind of observing the effect that it had on me the other day. And I understand that some people get depressed and stuff from weed, but honestly it's never had that effect on me. I can really only say good things, which may lead to a hypocritical moment when I'm telling my kids how bad it is for them to smoke pot (assuming I ever have any).

As far as therapy goes, I'm gonna hold off. I feel like I'm getting to a better place. Seeing the forest for the trees I guess you could say. Writing things here has really helped put things in perspective as far as what is and is not something that I should really let bother me.

Sign that I'm getting better: C had to break our date on Thursday because her mom and brother and sisters were doing a belated father's day dinner for her step dad. I freaked for like 15 seconds thinking "she's thinking up excuses to not see me." But convinced myself "No, she really has to be with her family, its all good. And if she is making shit up, I don't want to see her anyway."

We are hanging out tonight. Actually I'm still trying to figure out what the F to do with her. I'll figure something out.

I'd like to touch on these RETARDED girls from Gloucester (my home town) who all thought it would be a great idea to get pregnant and "raise their babies together." WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?! You think cuz Britney Spears little sister starts shooting out kids at 17 its the right thing to do? Um, hi. Major difference here. SHE IS RICH! And can pay someone to raise her child. You, are not. And these friends of yours that you'll be "raising your babies with?" Lets see how much they give a shit about you when you've all been up till 6 AM with your screaming children. Do you understand that your life is over? Oh, and kiss any kind of normal childhood good bye. Further more, your children are probably as doomed as you are. Who are these parents of yours who raised you to think that having a child at 15 with a 24 year old homeless man was a good idea? (yes, you read that right) Good luck.

Oh, and everyone else? Keep working and paying your taxes, because there are 17 girls in Gloucester now that will be depending on their welfare assistance checks to keep their children alive. And guess who pays for it? Yeah.

As my uncle once said "It makes no sense. You need to get a permit to but a tank in the ground to put shit in (septic tank), but anyone who wants to can just have as many damn kids as they want."

Poignant.

Nature Boy.

2008-06-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Just stopped by my friend's house and got stoned. I'm better now. See, I don't need pills...I self medicate. But in all honesty, I have definitely lost the hopeless feeling I had before. And I feel good about C and me. Whether I should or not. One of the wonders of weed I guess....

Nature's Prozac.

The Proverbial "Rut"

2008-06-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'll post some pix from the parade this morning later, or some time tomorrow, but right now I need to let some shit out.

I'm stuck. I'm unhappy. I really can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have some ideas. It makes me feel like a whiny little jerk to sit here and be unhappy because I have every reason in the world to be happy. Well, a lot of reasons. I have a good job (we'll get into this later), good friends (for the most part) and overall a pretty good life. So why can't I just be happy?

I've been thinking about this for a while now and I've come up with some ideas.

First, I'm single. Now, for a lot of people this would be great, and for me at times it is, but honestly all I've thought about since I've been single has been finding that perfect girl. I should be thinking about hooking up and having fun, but I'm not. I'm out there looking for someone to spend my life with. I think I've come up with a few reasons for this too.

1. I have very little experience not being with someone. I have been in one long term relationship or the other for 9 of the 11 years since I turned 14. I'm not used to it. I guess you could say I've become a bit co-dependent.

2. Being single isn't how I remember it. The last time I was single I was still in college so the opportunities to meet other singles were rampant. Now, I'm old. Ok, not old, but all of my friends have serious girlfriends or wives and are not wing man material, let alone partners in crime.

3. I've become more neurotic with age I guess. (See every previous post about C) I can remember a time when I was easy going and a girl was a girl. If she liked me enough to call or hang out again great, if not oh well. This may be a product of my lack of options, but either way it is not helping in the happiness department.

Another thing that I realized may be effecting my "single behavior" is my family. I have great parents. Honestly, I have always loved them both to death and they have always been there for me while giving me my space to grow up and make my own mistakes. But in a conversation with C over the weekend we started talking about our brothers. I have an older brother and our relationship is....well...strained to say the least. We're not far apart in age and I have always kind of been the big brother because he's immature and has some issues. I said to C, "He's just so distant. I want to talk to him and get to know him and be close to him but every time I try it turns into a fight of some kind. I just want to be like 'Hey, when mom and dad are gone its just gonna be you and me ya know.'" That moment was the first time I've thought about that. I have one brother and my relationship with him sucks. I don't know how to make it better. But I guess what I'm getting at here is that I need someone I can depend on when it's just me and him, and right now I really can't see it being him. I feel like deep down this may be why I'm so gung-ho about finding "the one." Because deep down I know that once my parents are gone I have no one. That scares the shit out of me. I can't believe I'm even thinking about it really, but it does put a lot of things in perspective.

Now, work....work has been horrible lately. I'm doing a lot of work in Washington DC which is ok I guess because I'm getting resume stuff I might not otherwise get. The problem is the project sucks. It's a loser. The manager of the project is an inept woman who just had a child so she is doing NOTHING. I am managing this project and being paid an assistant engineer's salary and getting ZERO help from her or anyone in the DC office with any of this. It sucks. Now, I won't be held over the fire if this whole thing bombs, so I guess that is good, but that isn't the point. I want to do the project, I want to do it right, but to do that I need information and help that I'm not getting. So my days are spent trying to get in touch with a woman, who when I actually DO get in touch with her I have to listen to a screaming child in the background. Now, I'm all for maternity leave and being there for your young kids, but if you can't do your job realize that and ask for some help. She won't. It's just her and me (just me really). So work right now isn't good. I'm seriously spending a lot of time thinking about what I might like doing better than what I do now. That is horrible. I'm 25 and I'm already thinking like this...

Not good.

Anyway, I think I might go talk to someone. I've got health insurance that I never use, why not see if a tiny bit of therapy can kick me back into perspective. Or not. Haven't really decided. Anyone got experiences or advice on this one? I'd really like to know if I'm just being dramatic or if going to see a therapist a few times might be beneficial. (P.S. I will not use drugs. Not even on my radar. Taking prozac every day for the rest of my life sounds much much worse than the little depressed episode I'm dealing with right now.)

Homerism...

2008-06-18T14:39:00.001-07:00

See! I TOLD you if they won I'd be the first one to buy the hokey championship garb! Ok, I wasn't FIRST, but it hasn't even been 24 hours and I've already got it! And one for my dad that I promised him on father's day.

So, just a quick recap because last night I was too damn tired to do this right. KG, you made me eat my words and I appreciate it. Great game. Transcendent game. You will no longer be mentioned with the likes of Karl Malone or Charles Barkley. Ray, unbelievable man. Best shooting performance of the playoffs for you by far. Great work, and god bless. Ray's son has been diagnosed with diabetes, which isn't the end of the world, but means a life of needles and medicine for Ray and the family. Paul, thanks for sticking around. Thanks for game 7 against the Cavs. You spend a few more years here and I'll see that number of yours up in the rafters with all the rest.

But the reason this game was won how it was had a lot to do with the random role players. Rondo (21 points 8 assists) Posey (2/2 from 3 and shot 100% for the game) and Eddie "In Tha" House all contributed to this one, and all deserve their rings.

I will be at the parade tomorrow morning.

While I'm here I'd like to address rioting. I've been in this city for all three of the Patriots Superbowls, both of the Sox Word Series and now a Celtics championship, and every time a team wins a group of mindless hooligan assholes ruins the celebration for everyone else. I have no problem with people in the streets. Hell if you're a girl and wanna flash 5000 of your closest friends be my guest. But WHY do these people feel the need to destroy shit all the time? Just once I'd like the fans to pour out into the street. Party like hell, then go home when the police tell you to without flipping cars and breaking windows. Just because you can get away with it doesn't mean you should do it.

On a sad note, at 2 of these events young people lost their lives. Now, at Fenway when that girl was hit with a pepper bullet that was a tragic accident. She was a bystander. She was not innocent. I'm sorry. I was there. I was in the street with everyone else. But ya know what? when the police came with clubs and shields and told me to go home, guess what I did? I went home. If everyone did that none of this shit would happen. If that young lady listened to the police when they told her and everyone else to disperse, she would be here today. But she didn't because she got caught up in the crowd mentality of "I'm just a face in the crowd, and if everyone doesn't leave, I don't have to leave and I can get away with it" so instead of leaving she stayed. Accidents happen, and I am by no means apologizing for the untrained officer who was wielding the weapon that day, but if you don't put yourself in a position for something like that to happen to you, the chances are it won't.

Call me an asshole, I'm just stating my opinion. You have every right to disagree. It's a free country.

Number 17

2008-06-17T22:25:00.001-07:00

Open letter to the Celtics: Thank you. Thank you for another championship for Boston. We are living in the golden age of Boston sports, but this championship is one of the sweetest because it was won in the city. It's easy to be a sports fan when you're here in Boston, and honestly I take it for granted, but a championship is never taken for granted. Congratulations. Another parade is in the works, and I'll be there. BRING ON THE DUCK BOATS!

Then on to '09.

P.S. Doc, thank you for not letting Sam I Am the Freaky Alien play. I TOLD you it was for the better!

Legitimate Sports Column...but first.

2008-06-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Text messaged my other girl friend (yes, another one) this morning that was at the concert this weekend with the ex because she had texted me that she had a story to tell me. She texted back that she'd call me later to tell me. 3 minutes later I got a text from the ex that said "can I ask you for a favor?" I replied "of course, shoot." She wrote "So B (the new bf) and I were in a little spat about Petty because he wanted to go with me but I went with H instead" (end of text 1, I'm using initials to protect the innocent, not that anyone would ever know who they are. Anyway, I could tell where this was going.) "and i didnt want to make matters worse telling him that I hung out with the ex, so if you could just not mention it when you see him at the wedding that would be cool" (end of text 2. We are both bride/grooms people in the same wedding later this summer btw.) "Not that he has a problem with you AT ALL (lie...that is a lie. He obviously has a problem, but as I said yesterday, I can kind of understand) but I didn't want to throw salt in the wound." I replied "Not a problem, your secret is safe with me. It was really nice to see you by the way."

So my guess was correct. This is about the boyfriend more so than the two of us. Which really sucks because we could be really good friends. I mean, we were in a six plus year relationship and she knows me and I her probably better than anyone else. It could be good, advantageous, helpful and just plain nice to have a friend like that, at least from my perspective. But it looks

like it is not meant to be. I'm kind of disappointed, but, to use a super LAME cliche, it is what it is, and there's really nothing I can do about it.

In other news, game six of the NBA finals is tonight in Boston. The Celtics gave away a winable game 5 in LA on Sunday night thanks in large part to the fact that Kevin Garnett failed to show up. Don't get me wrong, I love KG. He is the single most important thing that happened to this team this year, but he has a bad habit of disappearing at the end of important games. He doesn't take open shots when he has them, has a habit of committing dumb fouls and missed 3 HUGE free throws at the end of the last game. At the same time Paul Pierce was playing one of the best finals games ever turned in by a Celtic (that is saying something people. The Celtics have played in more finals games than any other franchise.) Tonight they need to win. I want NO part of a game seven with Kobe on the floor, so if you read this and you're going to the game tonight you better be on your feet for 3 straight hours screaming your lungs out.

I'm already a bit frightened of the dubious officiating crew that has been assigned to this game. In game five David Stern essentially gave a big fat F you to any skeptics by assigning Dick Bavetta, a man under federal investigation based on allegations that he improperly influenced a playoff game between the Lakers and Kings in 2002, to referee that game in LA. Bennett Salvator, who is assigned to this game is also implicated as far as I know, and Joey Crawford, another official who will have his hand in this game, was suspended last year after picking a fight with Tim Duncan DURING a game. Needless to say I will be spending a lot of energy cursing bad foul calls while chugging beers to calm my nerves this evening. Should be an interesting day at the office tomorrow.

Open Letter to the Celtics: My father was once the worlds biggest Celtics fan. You lost him in about 1994 after Reggie Lewis died and the team sank into obscurity/suckitude. I personally don't remember the glory days in the 80's when Bird, McHale and the Chief were winning championships, but from what I hear it is on par with a Red Sox victory in this town. So please, for my father, for me and for all of us in this town who have been waiting for the Celtics to be the team and the franchise that tradition and history knows they are, bring one home for us tonight.

I will be the first one in line at the Celtics store buying all the homer hokey fan crap that you guys come out with. All you have to do is win one more. Do it for yourselves, your careers and your families. But most of all do it for us. The fans of the Celtics who never really went away.

And Doc, PLEASE don't put Sam Cassell in this game. PLEASE?! I'm not asking much. You can do whatever else you want. Just let Sam I Am the Freaky Alien wave his towel on the bench for this one. It will be for the better. I promise.

Oh, and to the fans, could we get a "No means NO!" chant going when Kobe is shooting free throws? Your chants in this series have been sub-par at best.

17. Raise it to the rafters.

The Recap

2008-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Very interesting weekend. Very interesting. So Friday night I was supposed to hang out with C, but there were some complications. The original plan was centered around her friend's birthday. She wants me to meet her friends, so I guess what better way than to hang out with them all while they're celebrating one of her friend's birthdays. I spoke with her Friday after work and she still wasn't clear on what was happening, so I asked her to give me a call when she did. In the meantime some friends were planning on going out, and the time was coming to make the decision about what I was going to do. I called C and asked what the deal was. Turns out her friend's (who's birthday it was) boyfriend planned a "surprise" party for her at his parents house?? That he didn't tell her best friends about?? I've since been informed that the speculation is that he was doing this more to keep her from going out than to throw a surprise party. So C said that she had to go, but that I was welcome to come. I declined. I mean, honestly, I'm gonna go to a surprise birthday party that I wasn't really invited to at someone's parent's house? I don't think so.

C sounded legitimately disappointed, and apologized over and over for the situation. I assured her it wasn't a problem but that I was really disappointed that I wouldn't see her. I spent the night out with friends getting FAR too drunk, somehow not even thinking about it.

Saturday I spent tailgating and seeing Tom Petty. It was a great time. Good show, but a

horrible vibe overall at the concert. The venue seemed full of high school drama. There was tension to say the least. But, in the meantime at this concert I saw my ex from 2 exes ago. She couldn't run away this time, and was forced to talk to me. Honestly, we had a great conversation and caught up a lot. I hope this means that she now knows that she can talk to me and we could POSSIBLY be friends, but that remains to be seen. It seems she is now less concerned with the awkwardness between the two of us and more about what her boyfriend will say/do about the two of us possibly being friends. I didn't say this to her, but honestly he needs to grow up. There is nothing between us. It's been over for a long time. We're friends...Though I guess I can understand where he'd be coming from.

Sunday I went to the North Shore to take my father out for dinner for Father's Day. We had an early dinner because he had been up at dawn to go fishing and I didn't want to keep him up. On the way back to Boston I figured what the hell, I'll give C a call. She answered and I asked if she had plans to watch the game. She said nothing concrete and that she'd make a phone call or two and get dressed and call me back.

We ended up meeting at a bar, having some drinks and a bit of food and talking and watching the whole game together. (did I mention she is a sports nut? She was more pissed off about the Celtics losing that game than I was, and that is hard to do) Toward the end of the night she told me that she was taking today off because she has tomorrow off for Bunker Hill Day?? Yeah, apparently that is a holiday in the state of Massachusetts. So I asked if she had plans for today and she said, no nothing solid. I said, "Well, if you want to come to Boston with me I'll take tomorrow off and we can hang out in the city." This caught her a bit off guard. She thought I was kidding. I assured her that I wasn't and she seemed truly excited and said she would love to come to the city with me. We stopped at her house so she could get her stuff and drove to Boston at around 1 AM.

We went to bed and spent a long time talking about all kinds of things. Kids came up (not me, I promise. I would NEVER start a conversation about kids with a girl I've only seen a few times.) and we both shared that neither of us was anywhere near the part of our lives where kids would be a good idea. Then we went to bed, and again, we did not "seal the deal" as it were. I'm taking this as a good sign, though I'm not sure I should.

Today we woke up around 10. We both showered (separately unfortunately) and got ready to go. I have a Mac....the weather widget for the Mac Dashboard...sucks. Not even close. Last night at 1 AM it said today would be sunny and 77 degrees. Needless to say it was wrong, which kind of threw off my plans for anything to do. We got coffee and ended up on Newbury Street. We walked and talked and got lunch. On our way back to my car it was raining, and I was the hero for remembering my umbrella. We spent the afternoon at the MFA where we looked at art and talked more. I drove her back to the North Shore this afternoon.

Now, I was sitting in my car on the way to bring her home thinking "This is the perfect opportunity to ask her where, if anywhere, she sees this going." I didn't. I'm a pansy and now I regret it. But I'm in a good place as far as C is concerned. We've made plans to see each other again Thursday and I'm truly looking forward to it. I love talking to her and she is really sweet and down to earth (and did I mention absolutely beautiful? Have you ever walked down the street with a beautiful girl and just known...and not even thought of looking at anyone else because you've got the most beautiful girl you've seen all day? That was me today.)

Anyway, needless to say I'm happy. I'm in a good spot, and I'm not being neurotic or driving myself crazy about this that or the other thing. In time I'm sure I will be, but for now I'm fantastic.

The NBA its FANTASTIC!!!!

2008-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Edit: Disregard all of the horrible things that I've said about the NBA. I just watched the greatest comeback in NBA playoff history and it was my Celtics doing it. This is why sports are the greatest. At any time history could be made. I was literally about to change the channel, and during the regular season I would have, but this is the finals. And I'm glad I watched. Thank you Celtics for making that 3 hours of my life well worth every minute.

Amazing. This is why I love sports.

One more gentlemen. Its your turn.

...Same Old...

2008-06-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, obviously I was being neurotic. As always. C texted me and we're planning to meet up tomorrow night. The lesson, as always, is I'm an idiot. It pisses me off that I feel like this for 2 reasons. It is completely unfounded, in this case at least. And honestly, I really shouldn't care this much about someone I don't even really know that well.

I want to write, but right now I'm tired and pissed off because the Celtics are getting absolutely smoked, and once again the officiating is dubious at best, so I'm really in no mood. This is why I hate the NBA. If it were going the other way I'm sure I'd love the NBA, but it's not so right now I hate it.

Anyway, thanks for all of your comments. Once again if I actually listened to them it might help.

What is my problem?

2008-06-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

I told you all I'd find a way to make this negative. Last night C was out with her friend's for one of their birthdays. I sent her a text and got no response. I'm sure there are 100 legitimate reasons that she didn't get back to me last night, but I'm obviously only thinking of the bad ones. What I SHOULD have done is realized that C was out with her friends, and not even have sent the text.

But at the same time, if you got a text from someone like me in the situation we're in, wouldn't you return at least SOMETHING? Am I crazy, or am I just way off in what I think is going on here?

I hate this shit. I need to chill the fuck out.

Good As New..

2008-06-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

Picked up my car from the body shop today....FINALLY! That would be one and a half weeks it took them to fix and paint the rear quarter panel and the bumper. I have never done body work on a car, but come on...that is 8 business days to take off and paint a panel and a bumper and put it back on. Seems like too long. But it may have been a blessing in disguise.

I had to go to the North Shore today to pick up my car so I figured, what the hell, I'll give C a call and see if she wants to have a drink. She did :) We met up for a drink and ended up talking for hours and staying for dinner. It is nice to meet someone who is so easy to talk to. And it seems like this may be going somewhere, but it is too soon to tell I guess. She said she wanted me to meet her friends (only fair since she knows 70% of mine), and for me to take her out for sushi because she has never really gone. That sounds good right? I'm sure in the next few days I will find a way to spin it in my head into something other than good. But I'm happy now.

In other news, the Celtics got screwed by the same officiating that gave them the victory in game 2. It is just insane to me that NBA referees can be so egregiously horribly inconsistent based solely on the venue that the game happens to be in. A foul in Boston is not a foul in L.A. and vice versa. It makes no sense. It is either a foul or it isn't, regardless of where you are. The bigger problem is that the NBA as a league sits aside and doesn't address the issue at all. They deny it exists. Well, sorry David Stern, but the truth is, every referee you have has throughout their career displayed a home team bias. It doesn't matter what home team, just the team that is playing at home (or one of 5 or 6 current superstars including Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade). The referees for the most part have more effect on who wins the game being played than the players do. Just ask the Dallas Mavericks. It is a joke. It is one step above professional wrestling. Yup. I said it.

Who is Dependable?

2008-06-09T14:31:00.001-07:00

One of the things that is really striking me now that I don't have a significant other in my daily life is the lack of dependability in the people that surround me. For the most part it isn't intentional, though there are many who don't give a rat's ass about fucking me over. But I honestly can think of maybe 2 or 3 people (who aren't my parents) that I could really depend on for something. That, to me, is sad. I mean, when did it all of the sudden become ok for people to not do what they said they are going to do, or to just be intentionally misleading or flakey? I think that I am dependable. I mean, if I tell someone that I am going to do something I generally get it done. I guess this is why I'm the person who gets the 2 AM calls from the police station. It is frustrating to have to assume that people will not come through, and behave like it is a luxury for someone to stand by their word. I have a huge problem with the fact that this is an acceptable form of behavior in our society. It is easy. Make a plan, then do it. Done. Over. There you are. You're not a flake, you're dependable. That is all it takes. I'm not hard to please. This is all stemming from a few situations I've been involved in lately, but I would say it is due mostly to the fact that I don't have a girlfriend that I can depend on every day.

In other news, the weekend was great. C came into town Saturday night and we made a great night out of less than ideal circumstances. We went to dinner with a group of my friends for a friend's birthday. She was perfect. Looked beautiful, was social, happy and fit right in. Then we all came back to my place, as it has become the default after party locale. In an apartment full of people I managed to slip away to my roof deck with C and got a chance to have a really great conversation with her, which included her saying "you just seem like a really nice and genuine guy to me...and that is hard to find." She also said that the last guy she hung out with a few months ago was "trying to force me into a relationship when I just wasn't ready for it." Like an idiot I didn't take that opportunity to ask if she still felt that way, but the rest of our conversation led me to believe that she may be open to something more now. That is something I will have to find out later.

By the end of the night we were both very drunk...again...she apologized profusely for being so intoxicated, to which I replied "you don't have to apologize. you're doing great. I can barely tell." She grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear "If I get really drunk will you please take care of me?" I replied "Of course I will. I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you. You have my word." She kissed me then and there and looked truly happy. Kind of made me wonder about the kind of guys she's been around if me taking care of her when she's off her ass drunk is a luxury she didn't assume she would be given. As if I would have thrown her out on the street in that condition?!

We ended up in my room on my bed at the end of the night. It was pretty obvious where it was going, but I had to stop it, and in the most awkward 20 seconds of my entire life I said "listen, I think you're wonderful, and beautiful and honestly I want you so insanely bad right now that I don't know why I'm doing this, but we are both really really drunk and I don't want it to happen like this." I held my breath and waited for her reaction. She threw her arms around my neck pulled me close and kissed me. Pulled back and said "You are right. Thank you for saying that."

I called her yesterday after 18 holes (yeah, 18 holes in 98 degree heat with a raging hangover....not the best idea in the world.) I told her I was thankful that she came into Boston and told her how wonderful I think she is and that next time it was going to be just her and I. She said she had a great time and that it was no problem at all that we hung out with all of my friends all night.

So there we are. I'm kind of on cloud 9 at this point, and have pretty much had a smile on my face since she left Sunday morning saying "I wish I didn't make plans to go to the beach with my friends today..." Well, except on the side of the 6th green where I promptly deposited all of the water that I'd been drinking all morning in a sand trap...

Saturday morning, 10AM

2008-06-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

Re-read that last post and I'm kind of realizing that I sound like a pretentious douche. I was angry. Bad day at the office. So I vented here. Again, this is kind of like my therapy.

Was at the Sox game last night....right behind the home dugout, perhaps you saw me on TV. Great seats to a horrible game....8-0? Really guys? To the Mariners?? WTF?

Got a friends B-day party tonight. C is coming (I'm gonna start using initials like Julie. Sorry for stealing your moves, but I like it.) It will be fun I assume, but I'd really like to get some alone time with her. The last time I was with her we at least got to go to dinner and talk first. This time we're pretty much gonna be surrounded by people the whole time. Not ideal, but at least I'll get to see her.

In other news I'm sore. For 2 reasons. I played volleyball last sunday with a couple of friends. Went running for the ball, hit it in the air, and the guy on my team dove to get it and rolled up over the back of my leg bending my knee in a direction that it is not meant to be bent. At first it just hurt a bit, but now I'm thinking there may be some real damage because it's been almost a week and it is still really tight and sore. Just what I need. The other reason is that since my knee is a mess I couldn't run so I did about 100 pushups and 200 sit ups instead....bad idea. I can barely lift my arms above my head....but boy am I going to be super jacked! I remember a time when I used to be able to work out and not be sore....I guess I'm old now....damnit.

A Scholarly Discussion....

2008-06-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Here's the problem with scholarly discussions: Someone always thinks that they are more right than the other person. How they deal with this fact says a lot about their personality. I used to be really bad about this. As in, I would take it very personally if someone disagreed with my stance, and all I could think of was hitting them over the head with facts until they realized that I was right and they were wrong.

I think I've matured. I know I've matured. At this point for the most part I really don't give a crap what people think they know. I know what I know. If they think something else, I try to explain to them their incorrectness, and they choose to ignore that, its their problem, not mine.

Here is a problem I have sometimes though (particularly at work.) People talk about things with me, say what they think, state what they think is fact (not opinion, which is completely different, and for another post). Now, I'm going to try to not blow too much smoke up my own ass, but I read a lot, have a better than average grasp of science and mathematics, graduated from engineering school with a damn good GPA and truly make an effort to continue educating myself almost every day. When some idiot comes up to me and says something like "I don't believe in evolution" I just brush it off. There is no reasoning with people like that. If you don't believe in evolution, good for you. But you really sound pretty ignorant to pretty much everyone north of West Virginia, and most of the people south of there too.

Here is my big problem: People make statements of fact that I KNOW are incorrect. I try to, as nicely as I can, explain the actual situation to them. I'm not trying to be a smart ass. I'm not trying to make them look dumb. Just the opposite really, I'm trying to make it so they don't make the same incorrect statement again. What I get sometimes is "Oh really? I didn't know that." Which is great. What I get a lot (again, particularly at work) is "What are you some kind of know it all?"

Yes. I'm a know it all. Because I know something that you don't know, I'm a know it all. I'm not more educated, or better at remembering things. I'm a know it all. This drives me crazy, because it is really more about them trying to save face for being completely wrong than it is about me, but the fact that I am put down in some way for being educated is just obnoxious. It drives me nuts. With friends I can swing back, at work, I have to bite my tongue and say nicely "Well, what I said is true. You can look it up if you want."

I'm going to write what I'd like to say right here: "Am I a know it all? No, I just know that you are wrong. There is no reason to be an obnoxious prick just because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You COULD be mature, learn something and not look like a dumb shit the next time the subject comes up, or you could sit here and call me a know it all if it makes you feel better. Either way, I really don't give a fuck, but for the record, you are wrong, and I am right, and if you spent 3 seconds looking that shit up instead of giving me crap, you might be better off for it. Only a person as ignorant as you could possibly begin to think that they "know it all." ASSHOLE!"

I'm better now......Perhaps I should just let people continue to be misinformed...

P.S. I have another date with Caitlin this weekend. :)

One of these days I will stop worrying like an asshole and realize that not everyone doesn't like me.

Business Travel

2008-06-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

I travel for work. Not a lot, but it happens more than a few times a year.

When I tell people this they are SO impressed. I don't understand why. I mean, if I were important enough, or high enough up in my company, I wouldn't have to travel. I'd send someone like me out to travel instead. People also think it is SO COOL to travel for work. Sometimes its not bad, but let me sum up what most of my work travel ends up being like.

Wake up at 4 AM to get to the airport far a 630 AM flight. Deal with the airport and all of its nonsense. Get on the plane and fly to wherever the hell it is I'm being sent in that particular instance. Get to the office. Work. Work with a bunch of people who I don't know all day and into the night. Generally pretty late in the night. Go to dinner with someone from said random office who I don't know, or in the worst case alone. Check into the hotel room, sleep till early the next day and get into the office really early. Work till noon-ish and then go back to the airport and fly back home, get into Boston just in time to sit in rush hour traffic in a cab on the way home.

Now, I know some people think it is glamorous to travel for work, but quite frankly it is pretty much exactly the opposite. It sucks. I hate it. If I never do it again I would be thrilled....but at least I can tell people and impress them.....

Bookeeping...and such...

2008-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

So I re-read that post from 2 nights ago...seriously considered taking it down, but I feel like if I post it, its there for a reason, so it's staying. I'm really not neurotic. Or I didn't used to be, but reading that makes me feel like Van Gough or some shit. I'm not depressed. Never have been. I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness for some reason...it's gone now...

Anyway, as far as books go, I've finished The Road. It was good. The ending (specifically the last paragraph) kind of left me scratching my head, and I'm definitely going to have to read the whole book again to pick up on the subtle symbolism type stuff. I've decided Atlas Shrugged needs to wait for another time. I don't think I am in a situation where I can give a book of that volume and deepness the kind of time that I should. So I'm re-reading A Short History of Nearly Everything...again. I'm an engineer, its a nerd book, but every time I read it I feel like I learn something new.

In other news, I've got a pretty booked month coming. Few concerts, sporting events, holidays and maybe just maybe a little party with all of my fellow bloggers. I'm excited. It seems every

time I'm single I get to do tons of awesome things with my friends that for some reason I don't get to do when I'm attached. And its not even like I couldn't do them when I have a girlfriend, I just don't for some reason. It is a mystery.

Also, today is apparently an historic day, as an African American man has been nominated as the Democratic party's presidential candidate. Many people say that this shows serious progress in American society. I guess that argument can be made, but to convince me that significant progress is being made in American society a lot more will have to happen. But congrats to Mr. Obama and all of his supporters. I personally voted for Hillary (because by the time of the MA primary John Edwards had already dropped out), but honestly, I feel like anyone is better than what we've got going on now, and things can only get better.

I'm attaching one of my photos to this post. I am

not a photographer. I'm a guy who likes to

take pictures, and sometimes I get lucky. This shot is one of my luckiest. It is in the Public Garden in Boston. A little dark, and not ideal composition, but the subject is essentially posing, which is tough with animals. If you like it, great. If not, so be it. I have it framed on my wall and the overall reception that it has received has been pretty good. Sorry its so small...I'm a blogging rookie...don't know how to fix that...

And all of my fears about Caitlin and what was going on with the phone call were completely unfounded. She called me last night while I was at the baseball game. She apologized for not calling sooner, and explained that she and her girlfriends had gone out the night before for drinks and to see Sex and the City. We are, with any luck, hanging out this weekend. The Girl That Was There For Me has cancelled her trip to the city, so things are working out pretty well at this point....It's not that I have anything against her...I just like Caitlin more.

Anyway, keep reading and commenting. You guys are like my free therapy at this point (speaking of therapy, that is a WHOLE other post that I promise to write.)

Later

Pretty much couldn't live alone....

2008-06-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

at least not in my current situation.

So my roommate is away on business, and I have the apartment to myself. Normally I would be absolutely thrilled about this. But for some reason I just have weird shit going through my head, and quite frankly I'm kind of lonely. I've lived alone before. I loved it. It was fantastic. But for some reason right now I'm just not happy. All I can think about is the fact that I'm just alone.

On a side note, I called Caitlin, and she didn't answer. I left a quick "Hi its Nick. Give me a call when you get a second." No call. I think this may be contributing to my issue. God I'm such a loser! HA! I'm going to bed.

When it Rains, it Pours

2008-06-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

So, I'm apparently getting set up. An old friend from high school heard I was single and apparently has "the perfect girl" for me. She emailed me today and said that she had spoken with her friend and that she had said that it was ok for her to give me her number (as if I'm some kind of creepy stalker or something.) So, I guess I have to call her right? (My friend's exact words in the email were "Don't do the 'wait 3 days' thing, call her tomorrow.") This presents a bit of a dilemma. Two bits of a dilemma if you will.

First there is Caitlin. I like her. I may be interested in more than just a fling, but to what point am I responsible for not messing around while I'm still single? I mean, I can't really be held accountable in the future for something that goes on now can I?

Second is The Friend of the Friend from CT. It looks as though she will be in Boston this weekend, and more than likely is pretty much a sure thing if I go for it. Should I be expected not to at this point? I personally don't feel like I'm accountable to anyone but myself at this point, but honestly it would be pretty much my worst nightmare if this somehow came back later to ruin something that could have been great.

I mean, aren't I living every guy's dream right now? I have at least one girl who just wants to get laid, one girl who I am feeling like I'm into, and another that I know nothing about, but apparently is interested/desperate enough to give her phone number to someone she doesn't even know. I guess you could say I'm being a "player" at this point, but honestly, I'm not really trying to do that, and it is really causing a moral dilemma for me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

On another note, I'm still on the fence about this blogger party. I'm feeling like it is a game time decision. Father's day, girls, parties, too much for me to plan so far ahead. But please don't take it personally. It isn't like that. I'm sure it will be a great time, and quite frankly there is the very real possibility that I will attend. I'm sorry for holding out.

I'm not Barack Obama bad...buuut...

2008-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

Last night was fantastic. Caitlin (yes, apparently it's spelled with a C, and no Y. Which is weird, because as I recall she typed her name into my phone, and spelled it the other way...but it was late, and I was drunk, so maybe it was me.) came into town, we went out for dinner. It was wonderful. She was a joy to talk to. I had a wonderful time with her and I can only hope she felt the same way I did. After dinner we went bowling with a few of my friends at Jillian's. As the title says, I'm not Barack Obama bad, but she beat me. Pretty handily. Which was hilarious. Then we went to another bar for a few drinks. She got along well with my group of friends and was friendly and outgoing the whole night, which is something I truly value. Then we came back to my place.

Caitlin stayed over, which was a pleasant surprise. We didn't...umm...seal the deal as it were. It is one of those situations where I don't want to do that too soon. We were both REALLY drunk too, so the fact that we restrained ourselves says a lot to me. This morning she left early to go home.

Now, she said she had fun, and seemed genuine about it, and that she wanted to see me again, but I'm ridiculous and I can't help having these stupid feelings of doubt. Again, it did seem like she had a good time, and last night she was very affectionate. But this morning, not so much. There was affection, but not as much. I'm sure it was more about morning breath than anything else. It is so odd, because I am honestly not this neurotic. I really just need to relax and go with the flow, but for some reason lately I've been all bent out of shape over girls. It's so stupid. I barely know this girl. She seems nice, she is beautiful, and she is fun, but I know NOTHING about her. She could be nuts. She could be a spoiled brat. And here I am legitimately concerned whether she is into me or not. I need to relax and just have fun. That is my goal. I'm going to enjoy the single life while I've got it, and if the perfect girl falls in my lap and it is meant to be more, it will work out.

Wish me luck.

A Question of Ethics

2008-05-29T15:36:00.001-07:00

This came up the other day when speaking with a fellow blogger about the Boston Bloggers Party that Susie, et al. are arranging for the middle of next month. People suggested I should go, and it does sound interesting, but what do I tell people I'm doing? Now, I blog, and no one close to me really knows about it (which seems a bit unhealthy to me, but that is for another post). My reasoning for this is that I don't want to censor myself. I write about my life and the people in it, and I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, and I also don't want to have to hold back. It's not like I lie to people. I mean if someone straight out asked me "Do you have a blog?" I would say yes. But it isn't information that I'm offering to my friends (except 1, but she lives 3000 miles away. HEY BECK! Another girl friend. What is my deal?).

So the point is, if I do decide to go to this little shin dig, what do I tell people I'm doing? I don't like lying to people, but on the same note, I'd feel a little weird being like, "Oh, I'm going to meet up with some people I don't really know that I've spoken to online a few times." No offense to anyone. I'm sure you're all wonderful people, but to me it seems like there is this stigma attached to "online friends."

I still haven't even decided if I'm going yet. Not because of all of this, but because I have no idea what I'm doing that weekend. I do know that it is father's day, so I will be having to make a trip to see dad at some point during the weekend.

At any rate, I guess the "Question of Ethics" that this all started off with has to do with whether my fellow bloggers (yes, you) are in similar situations. Do your friends know you blog? If so, does it make you feel like you need to censor yourself or not talk about certain things? I'm fairly certain that would be the case for me, and honestly, I think this blog would lose a lot of its character (not that it has a lot to begin with) if I were just talking about the P.C. stuff and not dishing on my true feelings about every situation.

Let me know how you all feel. I'd put up a poll or whatever, but I'm not terribly HTML savvy, so comments would be GREATLY appreciated.

Update!!!! Houston, the problem is solved...

2008-05-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

As you can tell from all of the exclamation points, I'm excited. I made "the call." It went as well as it could go! I explained to Kaitlyn that I wasn't going to be on the North Shore this weekend, then said "Well, that is kind of a lie because I will be there Saturday night, but it is my mom's birthday so I will be spending the night with her." She sounded disappointed, then I said "But." and invited her into the city for dinner, and bowling after at my friend's birthday party. "I LOVE bowling!" she said. And that is where we are. She is coming Friday. I will keep you all post.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more.

Houston...we have a problem...

2008-05-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

So, people suck. Most people. I shouldn't say that. A lot of people. If you've been reading, you may remember the Filthy Savages post from a while back. Well, I brought my car to the shop yesterday to get it fixed, and wouldn't you know it, it won't be done till next Monday. I know, its kind of my own fault for being the kind of pretentious jerk who drives an Audi, because of course, the dealership doesn't have the part, it needs to be ordered...BLAH!

Now, normally this wouldn't be a problem because I don't drive a lot, but how the HELL am I supposed to call and make plans with Kaitlyn when I have no wheels?! She doesn't live in the city, so I'm left with few options:

1. Borrow someone's car - not happening. The only person I know who would probably let me borrow his car is my roommate, and I don't want to owe him anything. Just trust me on this one.

2. Zipcar - now, I don't mind Zipcar I guess, but you know I'd end up with one of those super lame smart cars or something like that, and be sitting in the driver's seat on a first date saying "I swear, my real car is an Audi, its just in the shop." Would you by that? Just not the way to start off if you're really interested in someone.

3. Invite Kaitlyn to the city.

Now, this is an interesting proposition for a number of reasons. I was invited to a friends b-day party this friday, that I was totally planning on blowing off to take Kaitlyn out (assuming she agreed to go out with me on Friday in the first place of course) This is a party for a friend who is a girl (funny, I have lots of girls who are friends...how did that happen??) so I'm sure she will have lots of cute friends, and we will be out till all hours of the night, but honestly all I can think of is how I can see Kaitlyn. It is so wierd! Also adding to the dynamic is the friend who brought the girl to the party "for me" last weekend. She will be at these birthday festivities. Not that anything probably would happen, but you know how loose some lips get with a few martinis. Also adding to that situation is the fact that the friend of the friend from last weekend may be coming to Boston NEXT weekend...and not to be presumptuous or anything, but she may be expecting something....that may all change if I'm with some other girl the weekend before....though that probably shouldn't be my motivation for doing anything...

I've kind of decided I'm going to extend the invitation to Kaitlyn to come to Boston on Friday. Chances are she will turn it down, in fact I expect that. I'm not going to say I won't be disappointed, but that would mean I'd get to spend the night out with a bunch of girls anyway....so I guess it's not all bad....

(Side note: I've been a different person lately. Honestly, when I'm in a relationship other women are the last thing on my mind. I have zero problem being monogamous. But now that I'm single it is a completely different mind set. I feel like I need to meet and hang out with as many women as I can...and if it goes further than that...well I'm not going to be the one to stop it most of the time (kind of makes me a little bit of a slut doesn't it?) It just seems very out of character for me, but at the same time, when you're living this single life (which many of you know I am not used to AT ALL) I guess the point is to get yourself out there and have fun with as many people as you can.....)

The last time I was single I took this approach for a little too long. I let someone who I was very interested in slip away because I was more concerned with having fun. (There was a bit of a miscommunication here too. I was under the impression that she was just interested in fun and nothing more. Had I known she wanted a relationship with me it may have turned out differently. I only found out that she did about a year into my last relationship, and now she lives with her new boyfriend.)

It is so hard to know if what I am doing is right. But I'm not going to over think it. I'm going to make the call tonight and put the invite out there. If she says yes, fantastic. If she says no, thats not so horrible either.....I'm honestly not sure what I'm hoping for more....This is strange for me...I always know what I want...